I want her back when she's ready

[willpower]

An update for everyone …

 

We (mostly me) decided to go NC on Thursday of last week. This was after a not-so-fun conversation on Wednesday night. We hadn't seen each other for about three weeks, but met up three times in a four or five day span. It probably wasn't a good idea looking back now. I don't want to get into details, but it became obvious I cannot be just friends or companions with her right now due to my very strong feelings for her. She doesn't get that, and that's why the conversation wasn't pleasant. Trying to explain why not being friends right now isn't fair to either one of us or the new guy she's seeing but won't be honest with me about did not get through to her. All I can do is try, right? The next morning, I took the lead and asked her to give us space and time apart with no contact. She agreed … or so I thought.

 

Well guess who texts me Friday morning to ask me some trivial question? Yep. Stupid me responded about 10 minutes later because the question was not personal and easy to answer without showing any emotions — with the word "no"

 

Thought I was done and back to NC, but guess who texts me Saturday night with another trivial question? You guessed it. I answered, because again this was nothing personal and I could send a reply back and see if she was doing this just to see if I would ignore her or not. She responded back but I left it at that, but it was hard to not send something back to her to ask her not to contact me unless it was very important. I slept on it.

 

It was very hard to sleep thinking about things. As a result, I sent her an email on Sunday (yesterday) asking her to please commit to time and space apart with no contact unless there is an emergency (I do care for her and would be there if the situation called for it …*I'm not evil). I did not get rude with her at all and I actually explained why I was doing this - for both of us. No response from her yet, but I'm not really expecting one. I put the ball in her court, so to speak, but now I feel like I have more control and I actually felt a little more like my old self at work today. It's a strange feeling, but I feel like a little bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

However, as I sit alone at my house and read through this forum again tonight, all I can do is think about her and the situation. It is beyond frustrating for so many reasons, but I have come to realize it all boils down to this — I want to be with her, but she does not want to be with me. Is that temporary or forever? No one knows, but I need to to wrk toward moving on and let fate handle that. Easier said than done!

 

I know that will take time to get past these feelings, but I am proud of myself for not caving in to find some lame excuse to contact her today. It's not easy at all and I wonder when (if?) it will get easier, but I know from reading this and the other popular website about relationships that I am going to begin healing very soon (I hope).

 

Graceful — I wish I lived in SoCal, too, but I'm only from there. I live in Central Texas now and it's about to turn really cold (relatively speaking for us) tomorrow. Your advice has been spot on so far. I'm indebted to you for your positive, yet candid posts. THANK YOU.

 

 

Good choice. Reflecting on my own situation NC for me is all about regaining my status in the 'relationship' (by relationship I dont mean dating any more I mean even after you've broken up you still have a relationship with the person as each others ex). If your seeing the person as not equal to yourself then NC needs to be implemented.

 

I think your truly equal to one another in your head then its OK to resume contact, but this will either mean that your both moved on and over each other genuinely (how many people NEED/WANT contact with an ex after this unless they aremarried/kids?) or you've both decided there is still something there and are mutally working on getting back.

 

Dont kid yourself though, you may feel ok then meet up/speak and feel all those emotions again. If your thinking about them then you are still below them in your head!

[Graceful]

SoCal,

 

I can't say your update is any surprise to me, but that doesn't mean I'm not sorry about it.

 

In my most recent message in your thread, I told you that if she really cared about you, she'd let you go, she'd want you to be free to find someone who really loves you and who can give you the love you deserve.

 

Did she do that? No. Not only that, but she deliberately contacted you for her own selfish reasons, to keep you dangling, because she is so terribly immature and needs to know that you are still "there" if not other reason, but to satisfy her ego. I have to be honest. That makes me feel sick.

 

I put the ball in her court, so to speak, but now I feel like I have more control and I actually felt a little more like my old self at work today. It's a strange feeling, but I feel like a little bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Actually, SoCal, I don't think you put the ball in her court at all. I think you PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. YAY! And the reason you feel like a weight is off your shoulders is because you have taken a stand.

 

However, as I sit alone at my house and read through this forum again tonight, all I can do is think about her and the situation. It is beyond frustrating for so many reasons, but I have come to realize it all boils down to this — I want to be with her, but she does not want to be with me. Is that temporary or forever? No one knows, but I need to to wrk toward moving on and let fate handle that.

If this makes you feel better for the short term, I can understand it. But for the love of God, you have to move on. She's not the right person for you.

 

She's not going to be ready to settle down for a long time. Has nothing to do with you. She's very immature, selfish, and still has the need to explore her options. You're 10 years older and in a much different head space than she is. We've already gone over this, way back at the beginning of your thread.

 

You should be proud of yourself for not caving in, and you should also be proud of yourself for being as kind as you have been. But now it's time to take care of YOU, and that means cutting her loose. Once and for all. Done and done.

You said it yourself: this is the only way to heal.

 

Graceful — I wish I lived in SoCal, too, but I'm only from there. I live in Central Texas now and it's about to turn really cold (relatively speaking for us) tomorrow. Your advice has been spot on so far. I'm indebted to you for your positive, yet candid posts. THANK YOU.

You are entirely welcome, SoCal. I invested time in you b/c I could see something in you that was very sincere and needed the ironic truth that I aimed to deliver. Go back and read through your thread if you need strength, b/c lots of the answers are right here, and more will come to you.

 

Maybe reading and posting more on LS will help reality set in and you'll garner strength from lots of other people who are and have been in your shoes. I honestly think you will feel relief and heal a lot faster than you think, because there is probably a part of you that began letting go a long time ago, now you can finally let go knowing you did everything you could.

 

Well, TX isn't SoCal, but it's still better than being in the northeast! It's snowing like a son of a gun here right now AGAIN! People are getting very disgusted!

 

Take heart, you're a good guy. Once you let go, you'll be free to see what's right in front of you face. Seriously, once you let go of your ex, other wonderful people will appear before you know it and your heart will be open. I have every faith in you. Hope to see you on the board. Take care.

[bl22]

Your situation is so much luck mine it's freaky. I also met my ex through work. 6 years age difference not ten. We worked for the same company but in different states. We exchanged FB info. I'm an attractive person, but this girl just blew me away. I don't believe in "out of my league", but it felt that way. Probably more like...if I could design the perfect girl for me, THIS would be it...although my friend would just say "out of my league" haha. Perfect 10 face/body, Maxim Magazine, plus girl next door all rolled into one.

 

The first time I saw a picture of her, the though crossed my mind "I would marry this girl right now, even before she opens her mouth." haha. We met in person at a meeting. She was the one to approach me romantically. I thought "is this really happening? It must be fate." As the story unfolds, it turns out that she has a personality to match her looks. I've never "clicked" with anyone so quickly. I felt like I'd known her my whole life, we were instantly best friends. Now to the sex...I don't even want to think about it Let's just say, she was "gifted".

 

I felt like the stars were aligning for me. I have a great family, great friends, great job, and a great house. I've worked hard my whole life and the only thing that I was missing was "the one". I have seen so many of my friends settle, that I refused to do so. Finally I found the last piece of my life's puzzle, and I would live happily ever after. Right?

 

Unfortunately no. Instead you are taught one of life's most valuable lessons. If you feel someone is "out of your league" you will invariably put them on a pedestal so high, that they can only look down on you. If you feel someone is your "soul-mate" you will walk on egg-shells so as not to cause waves, piss them off, rock the boat (ie. you will let them walk all over you). You will not take a stand.

 

I also ignored many red-flags, and "gut-feelings" under the mis-guided thought that giving somebody your undying love, trust, and affection should be enough...She denied dating others, but we were LDR and some things happened that caused me to doubt if this were true. Let's just say, she didn't go out of her way to make me feel secure in the status of our relationship. She was also concerned of the age difference. She was concerned that all my friends were married with kids, and what that meant about my social life (understandably). When we were out, she would ask people how old they thought I was, and appeared relieved when people would guess 27 or 28 (I'm 32). She had major concerns over our working together, and insisted we keep it a secret from co-workers (again I understood this).

 

The lesson to be learned is that understanding something DOES NOT mean it's not an issue. There was a point where she told me she was torn between progressing with me, or living the single life. She said she felt she was missing out when her friends would go out. THIS IS IMPORTANT. IF ANYTHING HITS YOU IN THE MESSAGE, LET IT BE THIS...When she told me this, I suggested that maybe we should cool things for a bit (ie. not talk as much (not at all for 2 weeks), and possibly even date other people). I told her I felt as if I was holding her back, and I didn't want that. She was COMPLETELY taken back, got teary eyed etc...I could read her thoughts: "Wait a minute, I thought I had this guy wrapped around my finger! How can HE be saying this to ME? NOBODY does this to me! I'm too pretty! Too perfect! I do the breaking up!"

 

The next morning I receive a sweet message from her. Blaming everything on her hormones. She knows she wants me in her life, doesn't want to lose me, cares very deeply for me yadda, yadda. I cave on the 2 weeks NC and we fall right back in to place. More red-flags are raised over the next 2 months, but it seems the signs that things are moving forward outweigh the red-flags, so I am blind (by choice). I will be meeting her family, she bought me tickets for a cruise, gave me a key to her apt. etc...

 

7 days after giving me her apt. key (which was only used once), and 3 days before our cruise, out of the blue, she ends the r/l citing "needing space" and "time alone". Turns out she already has another man on deck. That's a whole other story but feel free to get the details from my other threads.

 

So the bottom line is this. Soul-mateS is PLURAL. If only one of you is feeling this, then is is nothing more than intense physical chemistry, sexual chemistry, and a lack of confidence that makes you feel that you will never be able to do better. There is not a day that goes by where I don't wonder that if I would have stuck to my word of NC, TOOK A STAND, and acted like a man, if we would still be together today. She would have been forced to confront her feeling of the relationship BEFORE she had a replacement on deck. Instead, all I did was segway her in to a new relationship. She wanted to be out, but on HER CLOCK, not mine.

 

So what do you have to do? You have to realize what you did to lose her attraction. You think she is a "soul-mate". STOP IT! You think she is "out of your league". STOP IT. You are being her safety net. STOP IT! She sees right through this. She sees you as the one who will always be there waiting and this is NOT ATTRACTIVE. Use your head for a second and think how your ex acts about other things. Put the red-flags aside and lets look for some GREEN-flags. I'm betting she is an attention whore, who likes it when she turns heads. I'm betting that when you don't return her texts right away, it DRIVES HER NUTS, and she thinks something is wrong. When she calls you and you don't return the call in 15 minutes, you get a text "whatcha doin?" She is used to you being there for her. The proverbial "having her cake and eating it too". Why should she change? She hasn't even been forced to confront what life would be like without you. All you are doing now is making her transition in to her new relationship easier. She gets all the benefits you bring to her, while the new guy ramps up to become a more serious prospect, then YOU'RE OUT my friend.

 

I speak from experience. Find and read my last thread. NC works ESPECIALLY well on these types of poeple. When they realize you are no longer there, YOU become the challenge again, and the new guy becomes boring. The thoughts of "Why isn't he calling me/emailing me back!" WILL take a toll on the new relationship...in one way or another. The more "mind share" you have with someone, the more attraction increases. I have had moments of weakness. I have come to these boards and received some great advice. I now know that this is the only way. You MUST be realistic though:

 

Now the hard part. NC does not mean, that you disappear for a week, she comes crying back, you immediately take her back and expect to live happily ever after. The r/l have to reignite on YOUR CLOCK and YOUR TERMS, and much further down the road. You have to have the strength to say "I have to move on. Maybe in the future things will be different. Please don't contact me again. I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk." This puts the ball in your court, and keeps her thinking "I wonder when he will call?" Well its going to be a long time. AFTER you have stopped obsessing over her, idealizing her, and you have become as physically fit as a triathlete. AFTER you find yourself to be just as happy as a single man, as you were with her. If you rush this YOU WILL fail. You will push her a way again. She has to feel like she is adding to your already full life, not filling in an empty spot.

 

Lastly: NC will NOT guarantee your ex will return, but what you are doing RIGHT NOW will guarantee that they WILL NOT return. DO NOT segway your ex into a happy r/l with the new guy.

 

The choice is yours.

 

 

Let me tell you everyone that suddendumpee here is right on everything he says. It sounds like hes describing pretty much my exact situation word for word

[SoCal_Guy]

I haven't updated those of you following this story in nearly a month. Much has happened in that time.

 

First, a few weeks back she called me late at night. I answered because I thought it might be an emergency. It kinda was. She was in a situation (not life-threatening) where she needed help, so I talked to her in about seven different calls over a two-hour period. She called me by her pet name for me several times, then finally realized this and said she probably shouldn't do that. I didn't respond, because her safety was way more important to me than something as trivial as that. I told myself the next day I would NOT read too much into this, but I couldn't help it. Why didn't she call the new guy she's dating for help? Why is she calling me by her pet name for me? Am I a doormat for being there for her? I talked to a close friend who knows us about this and he said the reason she called me was that I make her feel safe and he told me to not beat myself and over-think this. Impossible

 

About 10 days ago, I had a major setback. I lost it. I had been doing better about this whole situation, but I had a rough day at work and that probably brought back all those other feelings I had done a somewhat good job of hiding. I actually almost broke down after exchanging some texts with her. I felt really, really down. So, the next morning, I called a counseling service to schedule an appointment with a therapist. That night, I booked a flight for a vacation for myself. The next 2-3 days I spent researching things to do on the trip and booked hotel rooms. Finally doing something for myself without worrying about what anyone else thinks felt REALLY good.

 

I put together about three very good days and then I got a text one week ago today. She asked if I was back home (I had been gone out of town with work and she knew this). I told her I was and that was about it. An hour later my doorbell rings. It's her and her dog. Caught me totally off guard. I invited them in and we hung out for a couple of hours. We even cooked dinner. I was happy to see her and her dog. Very happy. Nothing really awkward happened, but she did bring up the relationship a few times (I never initiated this). I won't bore all of you with the details, but it became somewhat clear to me that she still has feelings for me (she has repeatedly told me in texts that her feelings have changed and she wants friendship, but I don't believe she's set in those ways). At one point she began to complain to me about things her new guy does that make her mad. A little bit later she told me "Everything will work out." I asked what she means. She answered with "Just that everything will work out." We talked a bit more about things we have been doing in the last few weeks and then gave each other a very long and heartfelt hug before she left. I wasn't sure how I would react, but this put me in a good mood. It really did. She means so much to me and I enjoy being around her. This is still very obvious to me.

 

The next evening was my first visit to the therapist. I cannot tell you how good this session made me feel. I have had NO ONE to talk to about most of what is going on (well, besides you folks here on LS), so to be able to tell my therapist everything about us felt fantastic. I can't believe I waited this long to go. Again, I won't bore you all with the details of what the therapist told me unless you want to know, but she told me some very positive things about us and gave me some advice on how to get better.

 

I am doing MUCH better, but I still have those moments where I really miss her. I have not contacted her at all when I get like that, though, and I am proud of myself for that.

 

However, the one thing that keeps racing through my mind is what she told me last week at my place - "Everything will work out." What does that mean? Can someone tell me to not read too much into it? My therapist asked how she presented it when she said it and she believes that her feelings for me are still very strong. Therapist also thinks we had a very solid relationship that worked and for her to give up for Grass Is Greener Syndrome or because of our age difference could be a phase. But in the meantime for me to concentrate on myself and do things that make me happy. Much of what you all have told me, too.

 

Thanks for all the support on here and I'm eagerly awaiting thoughts on what my ex meant by telling me that "Everything will work out."

[SoCal_Guy]

I began a new thread in the Second Chances forum, but thought I would at least post the update here for those who were following this thread.

 

Here it is …

 

Since that last post by me on there, much has happened. MUCH.

 

I got a text from her on St. Patrick's Day that began as just wishing me a happy green day, which is strange because we hadn't really communicated at all for about three weeks prior. I wished her one back (I was out of town at the time). About 20 minutes later she sent me another one that simply said "I miss you." I was out with friends drinking, so I thought about it before replying. I simply told her "I feel the same, but this wasn't my choice. Not trying to be mean." She replied again telling me things like she was sorry for everything … she knew I would never hurt her … I didn't deserve her because of how she treated me … she realized she should have never let me go … she had something perfect right in front of her and she pushed it away. I had been to therapy and the therapist told me this would happen at some point in the next few months, but I didn't think it would be this soon. I was caught off guard, so I told her not to beat herself up, take a deep breath and we could talk when I got back to town in a couple of days.

 

I had a good idea of what happened (the other guy did something wrong to her and they split), but it came to light when we finally talked. He did some very, very bad things to her. I'm not comfortable sharing what it was on here, but it was a bad case of repeated emotional cheating with numerous other girls via email, facebook and text. It was bad and she was hurting from what happened.

 

We ended our talk that night agreeing that we did want to give this another try, but that we wanted to take things slow and do it right. Well, that is easier said than done when two people are as attracted to each other as much as we are. We didn't get to see each other but once for the next week, because I was super busy with work again, but when we did finally get to begin spending some time together, the magic was still there. We hung out and everything was just like it was. We didn't get intimate (only hug and kiss on lips), but I still felt it with her. I let her establish the boundaries.

 

Fast forward a few weeks … she finally opened up to her parents and friends about me. More so than in the past. Our age difference (I'm+10) has always been a huge hurdle for her as far as what others think about us, but her parents told her they approved and asked her to stop dating ignorant boys and what are you waiting on … stuff like that. She felt relieved and so did I. her friends liked me (the ones I hadn't met yet), so things were going great, yet we still were taking things slow.

 

Well, I knew things were too good to be true. The guy who cheated on her constantly texts and calls her … this entire time. At an obsessive rate - 15-20 phone calls per day and at least 50 texts. She doesn't respond to most, but she does to some because she is worried he will hurt himself. I ask her if she thinks it's a good idea if we put our second chance on hold until she gets him completely out of the picture. She agrees that is what needs to happen but doesn't know how to get him out of her life. She wants to make sure he is ok, but I explained that he is manipulating her into thinking he will do something crazy if she doesn't give him another chance. It progresses to the point where he now has a control over her mind and she is hurting. I told her I will be patient, but I think the best thing is for her to see a therapist to figure everything out (she also has some stress from being unhappy at work and figuring out how to pay for school coming up this summer). It's a lot to handle, so I told her I would step away for a while while she goes through this and works to get better.

 

Now, I do over-think. I want to be patient with her through this. She has told me she knows she can be happy with me. She's told me she would marry me. She just needs to get over this other guy and what he did to her. I do know they still communicate and see each other in person a little bit, which does bother me. But I cannot be the one to tell her he is bad for her and to cut him out of her life completely.

 

So, what should I do? Lay low? Let her initiate contact? Give her an ultimatum? Tell her I want space while she gets better? Will she think I don't care anymore if I do that? This is so confusing sometimes. I think we will end up together and happy, but how do I learn to be patient and make those bad thoughts of her possibly giving this other guy a second chance go away?

 

Lay it to me straight. I'm a nice guy, so I need to hear the truth, not what my friends think I want to hear.

[RecordProducer]

Just so you know, I never admit to anyone I still have feelings for my ex unless I am 100% sure I would never, ever, never, ever date them.