Has anyone been able to talk someone out of being unfaithful?

[Darth Vader]

I was just curious to know if there are any cheaters that realize their destruction and were able to *turn* it into a learning experience, and have successfully been able to help turn an unfaithful friend to their BS?

 

 

2010, I have to ask, before you started your afair, or even during it, did someone try to talk with you about not having your affair? Did they see signs or hear rumors?

[Spark1111]

2010, I have to ask, before you started your afair, or even during it, did someone try to talk with you about not having your affair? Did they see signs or hear rumors?

 

This is a great question!

 

Because I believe people think they aren't doing anything wrong until they are waaaaay too deep and have crossed boundaries.

 

It starts with flirting and fin and laughs and then intimating the marriage is just so-so (which is a signal of "I am vulnerable and maybe available."

 

Then maybe it is something innocent like meeting for a cup of coffee, more flirting more laughs....

 

Then they start to keep it a secret from others, especially the spouse.

 

Then they start to justify it by rewriting the marriage and the spouse to be much worse than their "true" reality.

 

And at this point, it is way too late to talk anyone out of anything.

 

They NEVER told anyone of the harmless flirtation because they thought it was innocent.

 

So why would they tell anyone as it progresses and now they are really hooked on their AP/drug of feel good now.

 

It is about having and maintaining strong boundaries. Cheaters take a million tiny steps to fall down the slippery slope into infidelity and then convince themselves: It just happened.

 

How do you know you have crossed a boundary? The very first time you keep a conversation, attraction, workplace crush, joke, email or text SECRET from your spouse or SO.

[shayan]

lesson learned, you made a mistake and that's ok. Learn to forgive yourself of this matter and to let go of your guilt so that you can move on to more healthy relationships. If you hold onto this guilt it will subconsciously hinder your future relationships.

Edited January 6, 2011 by shayan

[dont-be-naive]

They NEVER told anyone of the harmless flirtation because they thought it was innocent..

 

IMO, flirting, when in a committed relationship, isn't innocent or harmless.

 

Flirting is indicating to someone else that there is an attraction or interest.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is a great question!

 

Because I believe people think they aren't doing anything wrong until they are waaaaay too deep and have crossed boundaries.

 

It starts with flirting and fin and laughs and then intimating the marriage is just so-so (which is a signal of "I am vulnerable and maybe available."

 

Then maybe it is something innocent like meeting for a cup of coffee, more flirting more laughs....

 

 

It is the fin's fault!! Damn sharks!

[wheelwright]

Spark,

 

The question arose because I made the terrible mistake of cheating 2 years ago on my Husband of 5 years. I have used the experience to grow and learn from what I did wrong in the relationship, how I incorrectly dealt with some of the issues we had during our relationship, etc.

 

Anyway, I have joined an internet dating site just to chat with ppl .. maybe make some friends... definitely NOT wanting to date... but a married man started talking to me. I asked him what he was doing being on the site, when his wife is at home raising his 4 kids... he said he was looking for "flirty friends" and just wanted "some attention". It made me sick. I tried to tell him that he's making a mistake, the grass is NEVER greener on the other side.... to fertilize his own yard... etc and he pretty much didn't want to hear it. It made me break down in tears that people can be so selfish and heartless....

 

 

Anyone who cheats and has any sense already knows the grass is greener line. Cheaters are not all selfish f**ked up idiots. The more I read here, the more the cheaters appeal to me, cos they are looking for love at least.

 

We don't do it cos grass is greener.

 

We do it cos we want to give and receive in a way the grass eating metaphor doesn't allow for.

 

Love isn't about what you get or give. It's about the fit and the share.

 

And it's almost unconditional.

[dreamingoftigers]

Except the condition where you drag someone else through your childish issues and traumatize them in a deeply personal and painful way.

 

I would prefer to be left 15 times before I was cheated on once. Cheaters being "unselfish" and "looking for love" do the most selfish things and refuse to see love in front of them because they might have to do something different to feel it.

 

If that isn't ****ed up, I don't know what is.

Edited January 7, 2011 by dreamingoftigers
additional information

[kaysun]

Anyone who cheats and has any sense already knows the grass is greener line. Cheaters are not all selfish f**ked up idiots. The more I read here, the more the cheaters appeal to me, cos they are looking for love at least.

 

We don't do it cos grass is greener.

 

We do it cos we want to give and receive in a way the grass eating metaphor doesn't allow for.

 

Love isn't about what you get or give. It's about the fit and the share.

 

And it's almost unconditional.

 

I was looking for love too. I just happened to be looking for it from my W.

 

If you want to "look for love" outside of the marriage, then give me the same opportunity, and divorce me first. You can then look all you want. And so can I.

[dont-be-naive]

Cheaters being "unselfish"

 

there isn't a cheater alive that is "unselfish"

[Distant78]

Anyone who cheats and has any sense already knows the grass is greener line. Cheaters are not all selfish f**ked up idiots. The more I read here, the more the cheaters appeal to me, cos they are looking for love at least.

 

We don't do it cos grass is greener.

 

We do it cos we want to give and receive in a way the grass eating metaphor doesn't allow for.

 

Love isn't about what you get or give. It's about the fit and the share.

 

And it's almost unconditional.

 

"Cheaters are not all selfish f**ked up idiots?" So you mean to tell me that cheaters are loving, kind people right? Newsflash: There isn't a cheater in this world that is not selfish, nor are they looking for love. If cheaters want to give all of their goodies and show them to the world then by means do it, but just divorce the spouse before going on the trip to Fantasyland where "the grass is greener."

[wheelwright]

"Cheaters are not all selfish f**ked up idiots?" So you mean to tell me that cheaters are loving, kind people right? Newsflash: There isn't a cheater in this world that is not selfish, nor are they looking for love. If cheaters want to give all of their goodies and show them to the world then by means do it, but just divorce the spouse before going on the trip to Fantasyland where "the grass is greener."

 

 

Have you ever been a cheater?

 

I am assuming not. Unless you are castigating yourself, and I don't feel that humility in your post.

 

Given you haven't done it, how in the heck do you know?

 

There is only one thing bad about cheating - it's the same about all wrongs. It's bad if it makes someone feel bad.

[wheelwright]

 

On the basis of your experience only. I see no other philosophical generalisation which holds true here.

 

And given that you have no generalisable theory for your point, anyone else's experience is as good. If not better.

 

I was a cheater who found love - wasn't even looking.

 

In your 'theory' I was selfish.

 

I want something pretty persuasive here. It felt like mind blowing soulmate connection (yawn). The psychological theory that can explain my life experience here in terms of A connection - I'd like to hear from.

[wheelwright]

Except the condition where you drag someone else through your childish issues and traumatize them in a deeply personal and painful way.

 

 

Maybe.

 

And what about BS's childish issues?

 

IME the BS has as many issues going on. They just deal in a different way.

 

Like no sex or porn or grumpiness or giving up.

 

That infidelity is the greatest betrayal is CULTURAL not MORAL.

 

Grow up.

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe.

 

And what about BS's childish issues?

 

IME the BS has as many issues going on. They just deal in a different way.

 

Like no sex or porn or grumpiness or giving up.

 

That infidelity is the greatest betrayal is CULTURAL not MORAL.

 

Grow up.

 

 

That was always my hope for the person I was married to. Didn't happen.

[wheelwright]

I was looking for love too. I just happened to be looking for it from my W.

 

If you want to "look for love" outside of the marriage, then give me the same opportunity, and divorce me first. You can then look all you want. And so can I.

 

The sweetness of this post struck me.

 

I agree with you on the whole.

 

But there is a niggle.

 

Oh never mind. I'm wrong anyway.

 

Because love as its felt in the extreme, means nothing compared to committed love.

 

In practice.

[Distant78]

Have you ever been a cheater?

 

Nope.

 

I am assuming

 

And see that's the problem right there with cheaters. They ASSUME that they have the right to cheat on their family unit and destroy their marriage.

 

Given you haven't done it, how in the heck do you know?

 

Given that I haven't cheated, "the heck" I know is that I was married to one and she got preggo by OM.

 

There is only one thing bad about cheating - it's the same about all wrongs. It's bad if it makes someone feel bad.

 

No, it's not the same as all wrongs. Can't compare cheating to outside situations. And there are an infinite number of bad things about cheating. Cheating does nothing but open up a new can of worms in a relationship/marriage on top of the problems the two people are trying to deal with already.

[Distant78]

On the basis of your experience only. I see no other philosophical generalisation which holds true here. And given that you have no generalisable theory for your point, anyone else's experience is as good. If not better.

 

All I see here is improper spelling.

 

I was a cheater who found love - wasn't even looking.

 

Well if you found "true love" why didn't you go chasing him instead of continually hurting your husband?

 

In your 'theory' I was selfish.

 

That's not a theory. That's a fact.

 

I want something pretty persuasive here. It felt like mind blowing soulmate connection (yawn). The psychological theory that can explain my life experience here in terms of A connection - I'd like to hear from.

 

*sigh* Well if you feel your "connection" to OM was so strong how about you tell your husband what you post on this forum so he doesn't have to waste anymore of his time being with someone who doesn't really love him.

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe.

 

And what about BS's childish issues?

 

IME the BS has as many issues going on. They just deal in a different way.

 

Like no sex or porn or grumpiness or giving up.

 

That infidelity is the greatest betrayal is CULTURAL not MORAL.

 

Grow up.

 

That would be a shame that you wouldn't know how to manage yourself to get your own needs met. Everyone has intimate needs, ws, bs, mow, sg, etc. but you would have to put a boundary down: I cannot live without feeling sexually intimate and connected, to foster this we would need to have a weekly date night. You be intimate, if your spouse loves the "withholding sex" game then you state that that is a deal-breaker and if you know that sex is being used as a manipulation against you, you are going to walk. If your spouse ha sexual issues (abuse etc.) then you got yourself into that bed didn't you? You both look at the situation and do everything that you can to make sex intimate and comfortable. You both take responsibility for solving the problem. You may have to tough it out for awhile, such is love. Such is committment and self-management.

 

Managing your own intergrity has nothing to do with your spouse, it is deciding what will and won't fit into your life. A committed relationship and cheating don't fit into the same well-managed life.

 

Part of being well-managed is to be transparent, and have clear (at least decent) communication and boundaries. That's on you not the BS. They are called "betrayed" for a reason.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way, the greatest betrayal is personal, and often from a spouse that cannot manage their own intergrity and emotional feedback.

[dreamingoftigers]

Apparently Crystal Meth feels pretty good, probably better than my marriage at the moment, shall I go try some of that? It would make me feel better, so aren't I entitled to it?

 

So what if I have a family and responsibilities, shouldn't me feeling as good as I can all the time come first?

[Darth Vader]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darth Vader

2010, I have to ask, before you started your afair, or even during it, did someone try to talk with you about not having your affair? Did they see signs or hear rumors?

This is a great question!

 

Because I believe people think they aren't doing anything wrong until they are waaaaay too deep and have crossed boundaries.

 

It starts with flirting and fin and laughs and then intimating the marriage is just so-so (which is a signal of "I am vulnerable and maybe available."

 

Then maybe it is something innocent like meeting for a cup of coffee, more flirting more laughs....

 

Then they start to keep it a secret from others, especially the spouse.

 

Then they start to justify it by rewriting the marriage and the spouse to be much worse than their "true" reality.

 

And at this point, it is way too late to talk anyone out of anything.

 

They NEVER told anyone of the harmless flirtation because they thought it was innocent.

 

So why would they tell anyone as it progresses and now they are really hooked on their AP/drug of feel good now.

 

It is about having and maintaining strong boundaries. Cheaters take a million tiny steps to fall down the slippery slope into infidelity and then convince themselves: It just happened.

 

How do you know you have crossed a boundary? The very first time you keep a conversation, attraction, workplace crush, joke, email or text SECRET from your spouse or SO.

 

 

Notice how the poster asked the question, but never responded to the question she asked?! I think some one did see and/or say something to her or her OM and she doesn't want to say!

[dreamingoftigers]

One thing I would like to point out is that cheating without emotional attachment (just a quick fling) doesn't require a million little steps to cheat, just a couple steps to get to whatever random person. It is too damn easy to cheat because too many damn people do it.