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I'd rather have a cheating spouse then one who suggested an open marriage....

Toodamnpragmatic

By Toodamnpragmatic
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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This isn't about finding out or discovering the spouse cheating.... It is a hypothetical question set in a vacuum with strict parameters.

 

You marry someone and are blissfully ignorant. Never when you courted, married, started a family...... has there been any talk or issues that you are unhappy with your marriage or sex life (probably not perfect, but that's life).

 

Meanwhile you have no idea but your spouse is cheating on you (sex only not EA) and you will NEVER FIND OUT....... That is option 1.

 

Option 2 is that you have this happy marriage and one day the spouse tells you about this itch she/he just needs to scratch and that is wanting an "open relationship" and as one person stated consensual cheating. You can talk 'til you're blue in the face and maybe dissuade them and have them agree not to open up your relationship....... But you know every time you look at them (yes I'm being a wee bit dramatic), that they want to screw other people.....

 

 

Sorry I take option 1.....

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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This isn't about finding out or discovering the spouse cheating.... It is a hypothetical question set in a vacuum with strict parameters.

 

You marry someone and are blissfully ignorant. Never when you courted, married, started a family...... has there been any talk or issues that you are unhappy with your marriage or sex life (probably not perfect, but that's life).

 

Meanwhile you have no idea but your spouse is cheating on you (sex only not EA) and you will NEVER FIND OUT....... That is option 1.

 

Option 2 is that you have this happy marriage and one day the spouse tells you about this itch she/he just needs to scratch and that is wanting an "open relationship" and as one person stated consensual cheating. You can talk 'til you're blue in the face and maybe dissuade them and have them agree not to open up your relationship....... But you know every time you look at them (yes I'm being a wee bit dramatic), that they want to screw other people.....

 

 

Sorry I take option 1.....

 

I assume any healthy human with a sex drive wants to have sex with attractive people whether they act on it or not. Getting married doesn't turn you blind.

 

So I'll take option 2 because I'm sure that even though my husband is satisfied in only having sex with me, he still notices other women he would want to screw if what he gets out of being with me wouldn't be lost over it. I never believed when he said "I do" that he would no longer be attracted to anyone else ever.

Attraction is way different than pursuing. I see attractive people all the time, but pursuing them isn't worth what I'd lose if I hurt him by acting on that attraction.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Understanding such interests caused me to opine that my exW wanted the freedom to be single with the security of being married. Alas, I will never know what truly went on, hence my preference for option number two.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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I assume any healthy human with a sex drive wants to have sex with attractive people whether they act on it or not. Getting married doesn't turn you blind.

 

So I'll take option 2 because I'm sure that even though my husband is satisfied in only having sex with me, he still notices other women he would want to screw if what he gets out of being with me wouldn't be lost over it. I never believed when he said "I do" that he would no longer be attracted to anyone else ever.

Attraction is way different than pursuing. I see attractive people all the time, but pursuing them isn't worth what I'd lose if I hurt him by acting on that attraction.

 

because that which I highlighted is obvious. The point is your husband tells you he is not thinking about women he wants to screw...... He wants to to let him do it and tells you in a way that when you say no, he wwill not be complete afterward......

 

You're talking like a polyanna and your husband will be okay when he sincerely tells you that is what he wants and you say know and you think all is okay.

 

Look up Vodkafan for some background on how his spouse acted when he first said NO......

gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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Hmm, to be lied to or to be told the truth to... it's so difficult to choose. /sarcasm

 

Honestly, if I were not into the whole open marriage thing, I would still appreciate the fact the my significant other gave me a choice to leave the relationship before he acted up on his want to have sex or to be intimate with another person.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Hmm, to be lied to or to be told the truth to... it's so difficult to choose. /sarcasm

 

Honestly, if I were not into the whole open marriage thing, I would still appreciate the fact the my significant other gave me a choice to leave the relationship before he acted up on his want to have sex or to be intimate with another person.

 

The dilemma/op states the spouse knows nothing, nor will never know of the cheating and lives his/her life not knowing...... The other option is you know your spouse yearns to sleep with others (maybe even have a EA) and you say no and he/she complies, but you know she/he is not happy with the decision not to pursue the open relationship..... (yes may be unfair, but this is my thread;))......

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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TDP....you are missing the point.....we don't think like you! You are one of a kind, and maybe a bit too, um, pragmatic ;)

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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TDP....you are missing the point.....we don't think like you! You are one of a kind, and maybe a bit too, um, pragmatic ;)

 

I want neither Option..... Sort or a Sophie's Choice proposition on the sex scale;)..... That is why I chose that screen name.....

Kendrick Established Member

Kendrick

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I couldn't tolerate either. Its about respect for myself.

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

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The dilemma/op states the spouse knows nothing, nor will never know of the cheating and lives his/her life not knowing...... The other option is you know your spouse yearns to sleep with others (maybe even have a EA) and you say no and he/she complies, but you know she/he is not happy with the decision not to pursue the open relationship..... (yes may be unfair, but this is my thread;))......

 

This is an impossible question to answer TDP which is why you're getting all the 'missing the point' responses.

 

I understand what you're getting at but by asking this question you're saying 'imagine you are in this situation' - the situation being that their spouse is cheating on them and they know nothing about it.

 

Most of us in happy 'closed' relationships are either with a partner who is faithful or we are blissfully unaware that he/she isn't. The only way that any of us can imagine the situation you describe is to imagine we've found out and therefore we are no longer ignorant of our spouses lying and cheating. Am I making sense here?

 

Neither of your options is palatable in my opinion and dishonesty is the biggest deal breaker for me. I can understand why you wouldn't want to know but that doesn't change the fact that, even if you don't know, your partner is still lying and cheating. On the other hand, if my partner asked for an open relationship then the relationship would be over for me so all I can see is 'lose/lose'.

 

I'm doing my best to imagine that I'm in my current, very happy relationship and my partner is cheating without me knowing :sick::confused: !!! Just the fact that I am imagining him cheating changes how I feel about what we have so, sorry TDP, I can't answer your question because it's impossible to put myself in the shoes you're describing.

gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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The dilemma/op states the spouse knows nothing, nor will never know of the cheating and lives his/her life not knowing...... The other option is you know your spouse yearns to sleep with others (maybe even have a EA) and you say no and he/she complies, but you know she/he is not happy with the decision not to pursue the open relationship..... (yes may be unfair, but this is my thread;))......

 

Umm yea, I still stand by what I said. The person you are sharing your life with is deceiving you, and you're okay with that as long as you or anyone else doesn't know about it? And the other choice is to remain in a relationship denying your partner of what he/she wants? I thought relationships thrive on honesty and the want to make each other happy? Your statement that you would rather be ignorant and live a lie gives off the impression of insecurity. And the statement that you'd stay in the relationship with an unhappy spouse gives off the impression of selfishness.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Umm yea, I still stand by what I said. The person you are sharing your life with is deceiving you, and you're okay with that as long as you or anyone else doesn't know about it? And the other choice is to remain in a relationship denying your partner of what he/she wants? I thought relationships thrive on honesty and the want to make each other happy? Your statement that you would rather be ignorant and live a lie gives off the impression of insecurity. And the statement that you'd stay in the relationship with an unhappy spouse gives off the impression of selfishness.

 

you get it.... it is "Sophie's Choice".... Option 1, is he/she is living a lie and you are ignorant. Option 2 is you choose to be Selfish, which we have heard many in "Open Relationships" state, that by not allowing their spouse to have lovers is "Selfish"..... Really there are no winners in either case......

gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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Honestly, your original post is very misleading. You stated that YOU would rather have a cheating spouse than a spouse that let you know he/she wants an open marriage.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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You're talking like a polyanna...

Is that any less realistic than proposing an artificially set up Sophie's Choice scenario, describing a marriage "set in a vacuum with strict parameters", asking us to "imagine" a scenario that we are, in the scenario, completely and blissfully ignorant of, and expecting rational responses to it?

 

Bottom line: I would not choose to be ignorant of such a situation, even if, in the dream world, I am ignorant of having made that choice. Therefore, if I have to be aware of the the options to make the choice, I choose Option 2.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Honestly, your original post is very misleading. You stated that YOU would rather have a cheating spouse than a spouse that let you know he/she wants an open marriage.

 

Often misleading Threads for shock value...... Go to the Infidelity Section and see how many people claim they cheat/are cheating/are the other OM/OW and the Spouse knows nothing..... I was using that as my assumption in the OP and of course did narrow the parameters to make my "twisted" point.

 

I guess really the issue for me is the pain I'd feel if my partner suggested opening up the marriage and really pushed it...... No amount of explanation would justify it in my mind, so I came up with this scenario.

gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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Often misleading Threads for shock value...... Go to the Infidelity Section and see how many people claim they cheat/are cheating/are the other OM/OW and the Spouse knows nothing..... I was using that as my assumption in the OP and of course did narrow the parameters to make my "twisted" point.

 

I guess really the issue for me is the pain I'd feel if my partner suggested opening up the marriage and really pushed it...... No amount of explanation would justify it in my mind, so I came up with this scenario.

 

Although I understand your choice, I just don't think I could take it if the person who I loved the most really doesn't feel the same way about me. Even if I don't find out about the cheating, the significant other will slip up in other departments in the relationship. I mean, if your spouse doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you about the cheating, why would he be respectful to you in other things?

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Although I understand your choice, I just don't think I could take it if the person who I loved the most really doesn't feel the same way about me. Even if I don't find out about the cheating, the significant other will slip up in other departments in the relationship. I mean, if your spouse doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you about the cheating, why would he be respectful to you in other things?

 

However find posts by Lizzie60 who basically explained how she offered a service to men and sometimes you think twice.

 

The idea my spouse would want permission to step out of the marriage to get strange with my consent however seems infinitely worse....... Think of this banter.....

 

"Dear, playing 18 with the boys Saturday"

 

"Perfect, because I was thinking of screwing XXXX Saturday.... Dinner at 8:00?";):laugh::p

SummerLady Established Member

SummerLady

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After all this talk it dawned on me..... Being blissfully ignorant of a spouse who cheated on me every once in a while on a business trip or a night out (for sex not an EA), to me is much more palpable then a spouse who asks for an "open relationship", which says it straight to my face she'd like to screw other people.....

 

Comments?????

Interesting. Both are unacceptable HOWEVER the liar always gets the worst rating if you ask me...At least the other is asking and being honest even if its creepy. Have you ever been cheated on and lied too? Its pretty devastating..My opinion of course..
gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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However find posts by Lizzie60 who basically explained how she offered a service to men and sometimes you think twice.

 

The idea my spouse would want permission to step out of the marriage to get strange with my consent however seems infinitely worse....... Think of this banter.....

 

"Dear, playing 18 with the boys Saturday"

 

"Perfect, because I was thinking of screwing XXXX Saturday.... Dinner at 8:00?";):laugh::p

 

If you don't like that your partner wants to sleep with other people, you don't have to stay with him/her. Duh. Don't act like it's not an option. If your spouse wants to sleep with other people and you don't want that, then you can no longer give him what he wants, and he/she can no longer give you what you want. I think your thread should have been called "I'd rather be unhappy in an unfulfilling marriage than to move on and be with someone who will fit my lifestyle."

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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If you don't like that your partner wants to sleep with other people, you don't have to stay with him/her. Duh. Don't act like it's not an option. If your spouse wants to sleep with other people and you don't want that, then you can no longer give him what he wants, and he/she can no longer give you what you want. I think your thread should have been called "I'd rather be unhappy in an unfulfilling marriage than to move on and be with someone who will fit my lifestyle."

 

The crushing realization that your partner tells you don't satisfy her/him "enough" and they want more and on a consistent basis..... Can there really be anything more crushing to the ego? Sorry as per the OP, this to me in at least my view is worse then a one nighter spurred by alcohol while on a business trip....

 

As per the title you want that I hilighted, not sure what you are trying to say. I just gave a sad scenario that is unpalatable in both cases. It has nothing to do with an unfulfilling marriage. I'd go as far as to say it is an unfulfilling marriage to the the spouse who wants the "open marriage" and is told no. A fling or a one-nighter as unseemly as it is, can be just that a one nighter, a mistake (maybe many). An "open relationship" is a choice that can present itself every single day and some partners (non-spouse) are long-term.

Edited by Toodamnpragmatic
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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The crushing realization that your partner tells you don't satisfy her/him "enough" and they want more and on a consistent basis..... Can there really be anything more crushing to the ego?

Yes, the crushing realization that your partner is not satisfied and wants more but doesn't even have the balls to talk to you about it, and instead covers it up and lies to your face for weeks or months or years while having sex with someone else behind your back and endangering your health and life from STDs. It is the realization that your relationship/marriage meant absolutely nothing to your partner, and they would rather throw you under a bus than discuss the issues like an adult.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Yes, the crushing realization that your partner is not satisfied and wants more but doesn't even have the balls to talk to you about it, and instead covers it up and lies to your face for weeks or months or years while having sex with someone else behind your back and endangering your health and life from STDs. It is the realization that your relationship/marriage meant absolutely nothing to your partner, and they would rather throw you under a bus than discuss the issues like an adult.

 

I get it..... Cheating.... Not the point, but I think I am not that naive to think either is fine.

 

Option 1 as stated over and over I never know and there is no diseases.... Option 2, I can shut down, but can I ever be sure? I thought I posted a skewed question and would have many agreeing with me, but I guess I was wrong.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Even if I never found out about it or caught any STDs, I would prefer a wife who honestly discusses her issues like an adult, rather than goes out and bangs other guys behind my back.

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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I get it..... Cheating.... Not the point, but I think I am not that naive to think either is fine.

 

Option 1 as stated over and over I never know and there is no diseases.... Option 2, I can shut down, but can I ever be sure? I thought I posted a skewed question and would have many agreeing with me, but I guess I was wrong.

 

Well that is being rather pollyanna about option 1, yes? You can't control the outcome of having a partner that cheats on you never bringing and STD home to you and giving nothing to make you go "hmmmmm?" over in their behavior while they try to keep you in the dark. Like you're asking the folks who don't think like you to ignore the man behind the curtain. Lots of people come on here looking for help because they suspect their partner IS cheating and trying to hide it. If one could often be be blissfully unaware, we'd never see these threads. I think people are just more aware than you want them to be that a cheating partner will eventually be discovered that would be worse than a simple discussion about open/poly with a partner who hasn't cheated.

Then you reaffirm your opinion by allowing for the uncontrolled possibilities and the scary unknown factor to be present in your option 2, repeatedly pointing out the potential problems that might come from that scenario because you want people to see it your way.

 

You started the thread because you wanted to prove something to the folks over in the thread about being in an open marriage and happy just how right you are in your opinion of them. Unfortunately for your aim, not many people see the logic in your two options. Can't accept that anymore than you could accept an open discussion about swinging?

Its cool; you got some people in this agreeing with you. The others don't have to and you can still have the opinion you want.

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