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A post from xMM before his W took an OD about how he felt.....

hopeless4u

By hopeless4u
in The Other Man / Woman

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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

Posted
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Mister lonely I understand exactly where you are right now, the fact that you have met someone that you have connected with, find easy to talk to and share happy times does not make you a bad person.

 

I have been been a "lurking" member of LS for a while but have never posted before, but due to recent events have come back to see what I can learn from others. Your post has struck such a chord with me that I felt that I needed to eventually put a post up and I hope it helps you.

 

I have been in exactly the same position as you are now and ended up taking things a lot further with another person both physically and emotionally. I have learnt a very harsh lesson and now know that I should have confronted the real problem first and faced up to my marriage problems a long time ago before I met my OW and ended up causing so much heart break. In my case I have been married longer than you, the OW was not married but she knew from the very start that I was. At the start we thought it would be a bit of fun, and for me it made me feel good and helped me forget about my problem, I had finally met someone who understood me and made me feel happy. I know it sounds like the typical married man cliche but throughout this my OW became my best friend and I could tell her absolutely everything, there was a lot of fun and a lot of love, basically it became a strong emotional affair. This then eventually became the problem because we connected in such a strong way we couldn't break the bond but we both knew we had to so I could sort out my real problem. I know that if my marriage failed because of another relationship then that relationship would also fail as well, not sure if you feel the same but I have always known that if my marriage fails it should because it has come to an end and there is no way forward not because of someone else. Because of this I became confused, both my w and ow didn't deserve what I was doing to them and because of guilt and fear of causing real upset I didn't know which way to turn until eventually my w found out about the affair forcing me to confront things.

 

Believe me if you take things further with your friend without sorting your marriage out first then a lot of people are going to end up getting hurt in a big way, especially your friend. I was too weak to realise this and spent too long living in my dream world, telling someone else of my problems and building up their hopes until I eventually got trapped between two people. If you carry on things will catch you up and if you are like me the stress of it all will make you ill, you too will end up feeling trapped and wont know which way to turn, and you know you don't deserve any sympathy for what you have become.

 

There are a lot of OW who post on this site as well as a lot of BS, read their stories and try and understand how they are made to feel by a cheating married man, trust me knowing you are the sort of person who makes them feel like that (especially if you care for them) makes you feel a lousy human being and will make you feel a lot worse than you do now. If you hurt now you will hurt even more if you take the relationship with your friend any further, it will eventually all end in tears.

 

You deserve to be happy of that there is no doubt. Try and learn from me, you need to be honest with your wife, yourself and your friend. Whilst the truth about how you feel about your relationship at the moment may hurt your w, getting involved with someone else will hurt her more, as it will your friend. Talk to your wife in the same way that you talk to your friend and see if you can get things back on track. I didn't because I thought it would upset my wife and she couldn't handle it, we even tried mc and I have had ic but it couldn't work because I had ran out of energy and couldn't put into practise what was being discussed. The ironic thing is that once I thought the marriage was over because my w found out about my ow I found out she was a lot stronger than had ever given her credit for. Hopefully you can work it through with your w, but if it doesn't work out at least you will be able to move knowing that you gave it your everything and it simply wasn't meant to be.

 

I know it sounds harsh but you will not get a lot of sympathy on here of the way you feel, because most of the contributors will believe you will be selfish and do what all married men do and end up hurting other people. You wont convince them otherwise even though I suspect hurting anyone is your last intention. At the moment you are hurting and are crying out for help, I know because I have been there. Only you can decide what is the best thing to do, I hope things work out for you one way or other the fact you have posted here in the first place shows you care about people and what you do and for that you have my respect, I wish I had done the same, good luck.

SidLyon Established Member

SidLyon

Posted
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H4U could you explain this post please?

 

Is it a repost of something your MM posted before, or has your MM posted using your ID, or is it something he sent you ages ago asking you to post on his behalf, or is it something you've written thinking it's the sort of thing he might write himself?

 

Something else?

 

Thanks

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted

H4U, I am confused.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me you are NOT back in contact with him :( Please tell me you aren't seeking him out on the internet!

 

Please tell me you are doing okay!

 

((hugs))

spice4life Established Member

spice4life

Posted
Posted (edited)

H4U said this was what he posted before his wife took an over-dose.

 

H4U, did your xMM know you were posting here? His post shows that he really wasn't that in tune with his wife. If he was, he would have known something was up.

 

Reading that post must have hit you with a huge dose of reality about where this man's head was at. It must have hurt like h*ll. Or maybe the better question is, did you only see what you want/wanted to see instead of looking at the whole picture in this post? I ask because I have been guilty of that myself. Could it be possible that you are having a hard time letting go because you are only looking at what you want to see instead of the reality? BTDt too.

Edited by spice4life
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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

Posted
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Posted
H4U could you explain this post please?

 

Is it a repost of something your MM posted before, or has your MM posted using your ID, or is it something he sent you ages ago asking you to post on his behalf, or is it something you've written thinking it's the sort of thing he might write himself?

 

Something else?

 

Thanks

 

It is a post xMM posted after DDay#1.

His W found out a month before and we went NC for a couple of weeks. Once we were back at work he told me he had been checking my posts on LS to see how I was doing while in NC and came accross a thread he had written a post for, I told him to post it.

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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

Posted
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H4U, I am confused.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me you are NOT back in contact with him :( Please tell me you aren't seeking him out on the internet!

 

Please tell me you are doing okay!

 

((hugs))

 

No,no FO none of the above....just something he posted about how he felt back then....

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted
H4U said this was what he posted before his wife took an over-dose.

 

H4U, did your xMM know you were posting here? His post shows that he really wasn't that in tune with his wife. If he was, he would have known something was up.

 

Reading that post must have hit you with a huge dose of reality about where this man's head was at. It must have hurt like h*ll. Or maybe the better question is, did you only see what you want/wanted to see instead of looking at the whole picture in this post? I ask because I have been guilty of that myself. Could it be possible that you are having a hard time letting go because you are only looking at what you want to see instead of the reality? BTDt too.

 

This is a really insightful post. The bolded is so true. It wasn't until I accepted the reality that I was able to move on.

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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

Posted
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Posted
H4U said this was what he posted before his wife took an over-dose.

 

H4U, did your xMM know you were posting here? His post shows that he really wasn't that in tune with his wife. If he was, he would have known something was up.

 

Reading that post must have hit you with a huge dose of reality about where this man's head was at. It must have hurt like h*ll. Or maybe the better question is, did you only see what you want/wanted to see instead of looking at the whole picture in this post? I ask because I have been guilty of that myself. Could it be possible that you are having a hard time letting go because you are only looking at what you want to see instead of the reality? BTDt too.

 

He knew I was posting but said after DDay #2 that he would stay away and not read my posts.

 

He said that he was so surprised at how strong his W had been but it didn't last.

I know this sounds harsh but his W is so much stronger and smarter than he will ever see. The night of the OD he had walked away(not for me), she rang me, took just enough pills and then rang him telling him I had said all sorts of things that I hadn't and then said she had taken pills....she wanted him to hate me and she got her wish....

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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

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Key words: How he felt back then.

 

So how does he feel now? And what was the point of c&p his post?

 

I don't know how he feels now and I c&p because I just wanted to get accross that he does have a heart I guess.

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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

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This is a really insightful post. The bolded is so true. It wasn't until I accepted the reality that I was able to move on.

 

I have read his post a hundred times LD, sometimes I cry, other times I want to punch him...most of the times I want to forward it to his W, probably the most truthful she has ever heard him...

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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

Posted
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Honey, who are you trying to convince here that he is a good guy? Us? We don't matter. Yourself? I dunno, I think you already strongly feel he is a good guy.

 

The above seems to indicate something differently. It seems like you are hanging on to a love that you feel you had with him. And you need constant reminders that he loved you, even though he chose his wife over you.

 

Forward it to his wife. She will probably have a hundred more truths to tell you, and he will probably back her up... as he has made his decision who he wants.

 

I've spoken to his W on a number of occasions(her choice). When I say forward it to her I didn't mean actually do it just that he has never and probably will never be totally honest with her about his feelings for fear of what she may do and when I say that I don't mean him not loving her (he does) but he can not and never has been able to tell her anything negative about their relationship for the fear of her reaction.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
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I get the feeling h4u that you feel like his wife blackmailed him into staying with her with the fear of another OD, is that right?

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
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I have read his post a hundred times LD, sometimes I cry, other times I want to punch him...most of the times I want to forward it to his W, probably the most truthful she has ever heard him...

 

((H4U)) I understand. It is what most of us wanted, proof that they did actually love us. That the relationship meant something. I'm not sure if forwarding it to his wife would change anything. It's unfortunate that he lead another person on. I would try to delete any emails, reminders, and posts. That is one of the very first things I did after ending. I know the kind of person I am to constantly read into things and look back at things and try and figure out, what happened? By deleting all these things I couldn't do that. The worst messages are seared in my memory. The ones that stung the most (and there were more than a few for me which is probably why it is easier for me to get angry). In the end it is actions that scream the loudest, and the words are just meaningless (for me anyways).

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hopeless4u Established Member

hopeless4u

Posted
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I get the feeling h4u that you feel like his wife blackmailed him into staying with her with the fear of another OD, is that right?

 

Yes BB there is a part of me that believes that but not blackmail, emotional manipulation.

He thinks she is weak, I think she is very smart. Don't get me wrong, she fought to keep he H at any cost, I get that.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted
Yes BB there is a part of me that believes that but not blackmail, emotional manipulation.

He thinks she is weak, I think she is very smart. Don't get me wrong, she fought to keep he H at any cost, I get that.

 

If true........then it won't last forever but at the same time H4U if you hang on to the belief that he would be with you if the other wasn't true, you won't be able to heal and move forward. For what ever reasons.......he is there, and I don't think that you can move on until you give up the hope and hanging on to the only if.......part.

 

Hugs........:)

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
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If true........then it won't last forever but at the same time H4U if you hang on to the belief that he would be with you if the other wasn't true, you won't be able to heal and move forward. For what ever reasons.......he is there, and I don't think that you can move on until you give up the hope and hanging on to the only if.......part.

 

Hugs........:)

 

Yes this! Great post BB. Maybe H4U this could be it? This is a good thought for your other thread too!

awkward Established Member

awkward

Posted
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I didn't read MM's post but I think you should consider that he knew who his audience was. He knew you were going to read that post. If he had been posting on surviving infidelity knowing his wife was going to read it, I'm pretty sure his truth would have looked much different.

 

IMO you are stuck because you are still holding on to the notion that he stayed with BW because she tried to commit suicide. You have to let this go in order to heal.

 

MM chose to stay married to his BW. Didn't he choose her even before her OD? Why didn't he leave before the affair? How about during the affair? Or on D-Day? I thought he told you even during the affair that he wasn't going to leave his marriage?

 

Bottom line, MM chose to stay married. He had an affair. He got caught. The affair ended.

 

I seriously doubt that MM hates you. He knows exactly what you told his wife. Lies weren't needed, the truth was painful enough.

 

One thing I want you to consider is why he has had no contact with you. Why hasn't he called, emailed, etc. to provide you with closure? If it is true that he is only with his BW so she doesn't kill herself, then why not even one call to you? Have you considered that the reason he chose no contact with you is because that is what he agreed to when he chose to reconcile his marriage.

 

I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you are going to choose to believe the fantasy for a long time. What happens if in couple of years you see MM out with his wife and they're holding hands/kissing? Or if MM is out on a date with a new OW? Are you going to look back and see all the time you've wasted instead of seeing the reality of the situation?

 

Just like MM made his choice, you need to make a choice. You need to choose YOU. Allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to see him for who he really is and the choices he's made for what they really are. I'm not saying MM is an awful man when I say see who he really is. But I think there is some type of disconnect with who he is and how you choose to see him.

 

I know the holidays are tough when we miss those who we love. I'm sorry you are hurting. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be free of this. If you allow yourself to heal, the holidays next year could be completely different. Don't let your life slip by pining for a man who won't ever be yours. Live your life the way you want it to be.

IfWishesWereHorses Established Member

IfWishesWereHorses

Posted
Posted

 

 

One thing I want you to consider is why he has had no contact with you. Why hasn't he called, emailed, etc. to provide you with closure? If it is true that he is only with his BW so she doesn't kill herself, then why not even one call to you? Have you considered that the reason he chose no contact with you is because that is what he agreed to when he chose to reconcile his marriage.

 

It's possible as well that he has not made contact out of respect for h4u so that she is able to move on and let go. Sometimes success is really just a matter of giving yourself permission to let go. (rather than allowing yourself to hold on)

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