I am very lost

Hello forum users,

I have a dilemma and I am in a confused place right now. Let me see if I can tell my story right.

I have been married for almost 4 years now and we have a 3 year old little girl but over the years our marriage has turned into a "battlefield" of arguements and never agreeing with anything with each ohter. So we have tried everything to make our marriage work for the past months but it always ends up being the same routine. So recently we decided to push through a divorce since we just can't live like this anymore and I feel my wife and daughter need a better life than what we have right now (don't worry I'll always be a father to my daughter no matter what happens in life she's my angel, but a mom and dad that don't love each other shouldn't stay together either just cause.)

So recently I started a new job and made some new friends but one in particular (so you can see where this story is going) This lady herself is married, 4 kids but we hit it off from day one, we just started talking about random stuff like you would with every other colleague.

But the talking soon turned to being more affectionate and just being real nice to each other, so we started taking our breaks together and just sit in the car and talk to each other about our lives and just the future, more personal stuff.

We ended up kissing and it became a "habit" of doing that at work every time we would meet in the morning in the car, during our lunch and even after work.

Than it became an emotional connection and we started finding out that we have a lot more in common than we thought we would have. Also she brought out the person in me I have lost a long time ago (before my marriage) a more free living person and not so strict about everything all the time, she made me feel alive again and lately in my marriage I felt imprisoned.

It is really strange to find a person that can talk to me on such a personal level and be fun too at the same time (fun in a normal not "sexual" way) And I told her that too that she brought out the best in me that I've missed a long time ago.

Now she recently told me about her marriage that her husband is a good man (to her and her kids, they're not all his) but she does not feel any love for him and she says she started falling in love with me. Now I have to admit I have been trying hard to not fall in love but Emotions got the best of me and I think I am slowly starting to fall for her simply because of the connection we make.

I know what I am doing is wrong too and I have my responsibilities (towards my wife and my daughter) and I do not forget about them in any way. But It feels like a great escape from the life I am living right now (i hope that doesn't sound too strange)

Also I know me and this other woman can never be (it can but were not planning on it) but it just feels right in so many wrong ways. What am I to do and should I stop everything before it all blows out of proportion ( I assume yes but asking never hurted) Thank you in advance.

How would you feel if you were the OW's husband who is a good man and treats her and her children very well? Clearly she has no problem cheating on this good husband of hers just like you feel no guilt cheating on your wife. There is an old saying that the both of you should remember: If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

You're going to do what you want to do. Just from reading your post, I can tell you're a very selfish man. No doubt you were hanging out with this woman as your marriage went to pot. That's what happens. You got so engrossed in another woman that the one you married and had a child with, gets tossed aside like garbage. All your time and energy is taken away from your family to get cheap thrills from a married mum of 4. I'm in love, feeling connected, never felt this way before is all just nonsense. One day you'll see that and then have to live with the guilt of what you've done.

Enjoy your insecurities and enjoy the conquest of having another man's W. So lowdown and dirty. Ick.

Tell your W all about it as well. If you cannot, then you're just a chicken****.

It's a shame that you and your wife can't sit down and really try hard to work through this..Go to marriage counselling and give it your best - For your young daughter's sake.

To just up and quit because it's too hard, or because neither of you are willing to compromise, learn to communicate/listen to one another, to fight and argue.. Is beyond me. Marriage is NOT easy, throw a child into the mix, regular stuff, daily routine, and the stuff life throws at you..

Anyway, it's just sad to hear because you've given up on your marriage and allowed another woman to make you feel good, make you feel needed, feel special.. Because of that, now you have probably detached even more from your wife.

Have to ask..How much arguing was going on BEFORE the OW? Which came first? Or is it abit of both?

Obviously you loved your wife, enough to marry her and have a child.. What happened? Why did the intimacy and love fade away? It takes two to make a marriage work, but it can take one to ruin it.. Sure, each of you are responsible for problems in the marriage, but to justify going outside your marriage is not cool..At all. It's selfish and intentional. ALL on the expense of your wife. And sadly child too.

Just remember, this woman has FOUR KIDS, and not all from her husband. Are you prepared to parent/co-parent FIVE kids all together? Even though she seems ethereal and dreamy now, real life happens, and BTW,she does have FOUR KIDS staring you in the face...who will most likely be with her upon any future divorce action, and needy for her attention.

Stay grounded in reality...let her deal with her marriage.

BTW, when I met my husband, I had FOUR KIDS!!!! And he had THREE! It does put a monkey wrench in things like you would never beleive...

Work things out w/ your wife...things aren't all "her fault" as you know. You guys have one child together, who needs both of their parents.

Ya dude she uses a guy to take care of her children and then she finds another. I bet she probably did the same thing to the kids dad. Run she is low class

No. Doesn't sound strange at all, just really selfish. Her husband deserves respect that he has earned.

You are Mr Lonely,

You are not getting any satisfaction at home. There is an emotional gap. Mrs OW fills it. You know that it is wrong to interlope, but you did. How are you going to escape this situation without losing your job?

What have you done to sort out your own marriage problems? Have you gone to a pro marriage councilor?

You are Mr Lonely,

You are not getting any satisfaction at home. There is an emotional gap. Mrs OW fills it. You know that it is wrong to interlope, but you did. How are you going to escape this situation without losing your job?

What have you done to sort out your own marriage problems? Have you gone to a pro marriage councilor?

Check our marriage builders.com and read the articles. These have helped my marriage. Please call back.

Yes we have tried marriage counceling for a long time but it always ends up being good for a week or so and than it is like a bomb explodes and we are back at the same path.

I do not quiet understand the "selfish" part, I do care about my own happiness too and I know this OW (other woman??) & I can not be in any single way together and I have accepted that I just needed to "vent" my story so to say.

It seems like everywhere I go people automatically assume I am more terrible of a person that I actually am. Yes what I am doing is wrong on a lot of levels but it does not mean I will forget everybody around me either and just drop off the face of the earth, know what I mean.

So the grass is greener on the other side are you sure.its just different. marry her she seems to respect her husband for raising her kids thats kind of person you need and her also.Tell your wife so she can meet someone to call your daughter dad maybe he will be nice and treat them good.She never made you happy when you first started out but you know this girl will?Think about this how does it sound?

To BB07

It is important to always point out that if a person has a moral relative compass to cheat in a marriage then the chance of them subsequently cheating again is much much higher. The chances of cheating is magnified greatly when two cheaters attempt a monogamous permanent relationship. You may get tired of hearing it but it is very important to understand the implications when individuals are planning great life changes with people who have a broken and relative moral compasses. I am sorry it struck such a chord with you.

Well I am not expecting to have a full blown relationship with this OW, I know that would never work but I think I just needed to vent my story to some down to earth people just to help me snap back to reality and do what is right (obviously stay true to my wife and daughter)

Now I'm confused - you said you were set on divorce, now you're saying you want to "do the right thing" by staying married. Which is it?

Well I am not expecting to have a full blown relationship with this OW, I know that would never work but I think I just needed to vent my story to some down to earth people just to help me snap back to reality and do what is right (obviously stay true to my wife and daughter)

Never discuss relationships with a member of the opposite sex (unless she is a paid councilor). Chat to a good friend or US.

He said "stay true" to his W. Don't you mean "become" true? You haven't been true to anyone but your ___

Mister lonely I understand exactly where you are right now, the fact that you have met someone that you have connected with, find easy to talk to and share happy times does not make you a bad person.

I have been been a "lurking" member of LS for a while but have never posted before, but due to recent events have come back to see what I can learn from others. Your post has struck such a chord with me that I felt that I needed to eventually put a post up and I hope it helps you.

I have been in exactly the same position as you are now and ended up taking things a lot further with another person both physically and emotionally. I have learnt a very harsh lesson and now know that I should have confronted the real problem first and faced up to my marriage problems a long time ago before I met my OW and ended up causing so much heart break. In my case I have been married longer than you, the OW was not married but she knew from the very start that I was. At the start we thought it would be a bit of fun, and for me it made me feel good and helped me forget about my problem, I had finally met someone who understood me and made me feel happy. I know it sounds like the typical married man cliche but throughout this my OW became my best friend and I could tell her absolutely everything, there was a lot of fun and a lot of love, basically it became a strong emotional affair. This then eventually became the problem because we connected in such a strong way we couldn't break the bond but we both knew we had to so I could sort out my real problem. I know that if my marriage failed because of another relationship then that relationship would also fail as well, not sure if you feel the same but I have always known that if my marriage fails it should because it has come to an end and there is no way forward not because of someone else. Because of this I became confused, both my w and ow didn't deserve what I was doing to them and because of guilt and fear of causing real upset I didn't know which way to turn until eventually my w found out about the affair forcing me to confront things.

Believe me if you take things further with your friend without sorting your marriage out first then a lot of people are going to end up getting hurt in a big way, especially your friend. I was too weak to realise this and spent too long living in my dream world, telling someone else of my problems and building up their hopes until I eventually got trapped between two people. If you carry on things will catch you up and if you are like me the stress of it all will make you ill, you too will end up feeling trapped and wont know which way to turn, and you know you don't deserve any sympathy for what you have become.

There are a lot of OW who post on this site as well as a lot of BS, read their stories and try and understand how they are made to feel by a cheating married man, trust me knowing you are the sort of person who makes them feel like that (especially if you care for them) makes you feel a lousy human being and will make you feel a lot worse than you do now. If you hurt now you will hurt even more if you take the relationship with your friend any further, it will eventually all end in tears.

You deserve to be happy of that there is no doubt. Try and learn from me, you need to be honest with your wife, yourself and your friend. Whilst the truth about how you feel about your relationship at the moment may hurt your w, getting involved with someone else will hurt her more, as it will your friend. Talk to your wife in the same way that you talk to your friend and see if you can get things back on track. I didn't because I thought it would upset my wife and she couldn't handle it, we even tried mc and I have had ic but it couldn't work because I had ran out of energy and couldn't put into practise what was being discussed. The ironic thing is that once I thought the marriage was over because my w found out about my ow I found out she was a lot stronger than had ever given her credit for. Hopefully you can work it through with your w, but if it doesn't work out at least you will be able to move knowing that you gave it your everything and it simply wasn't meant to be.

I know it sounds harsh but you will not get a lot of sympathy on here of the way you feel, because most of the contributors will believe you will be selfish and do what all married men do and end up hurting other people. You wont convince them otherwise even though I suspect hurting anyone is your last intention. At the moment you are hurting and are crying out for help, I know because I have been there. Only you can decide what is the best thing to do, I hope things work out for you one way or other the fact you have posted here in the first place shows you care about people and what you do and for that you have my respect, I wish I had done the same, good luck.