Women and fear of commitment

[TheGrimSweeper]

I'd mail it to her. You don't want to risk getting caught at her apartment, or her thinking that you're hanging around there.

 

Im doing it at a time when I know she works so it'll be alright.

[Ajax]

Im doing it at a time when I know she works so it'll be alright.

 

Just the fact that you were at her apartment might be seen as stalkerish. I think you ought to mail it.

[Livelovelearn]

From my experience, it was my exboyfriend who went through this fear of commitment as he didnt know what he wanted anymore after almost 3 years. I was so confused he was my first love and i did everything i could for him. I admired that man so much I just tried to make everything work but at the end of the day he was still confused and of course he broke up with while he had someone else lined up. I wanted to marry him i seen myself with him for the rest of my life. Now having to go through that experience, i find myself not that interested in a long term relationship and i actually hate the thought of marriage, and i never used to be this way. I feel the only thing i would want is children, but i do not know about marriage and long term relationships and all of that. Only because of the hurt i went through with this man that has indeed changed my life and perspective. So do keep in mind that its a persons past experience that might make them feel this way, its hard to deal with someone betraying you or whatnot. It isnt a gendered issue, both men and women are commitment phobics.

[Mrlonelyone]

I feel for you Livetolearn.

 

We know it's not a gendered issue and men are that way too. In fact if you read my first post you will see where I acknowledge that.

 

In fact most of the time it's spoken of as if only men have this issue. All women are supposed to be eager to commit, dream about their wedding day etc etc etc. A woman who is suddenly dumped.. the mans an @$$ hole and a looser for dumping such a great girl.

 

While a man who gets dumped like that is too often made to think he is a big looser. A man who is dumped by a woman under any circumstances gets very little emotional support.

 

Hence this thread.

[robaday]

I am a commitment phobic male. My first ex was commitment phobic, shed break up with me then come back, break up then come back.

 

Since that horrific experience I have hurt some amazing women through indecisiveness, and severe panic. I can never stay in the rel, but I never quite leave. I do feel terrible for hurting those women.

 

I have been known to actually physically throw up for days on end, due to the phobia. I fit all the criteria-traumatic losses of people close to me, my parents were in a troubled marriage, I crave my independence, but also crave love, I crave solitude and treat girlfriends like mistresses, nobody is ever good enough for me, and the bizarre thing is i really aint a great catch either!

 

I dont cheat however, I just build up every single minor thing the person does to annoy me and RUN. I feel trapped all the time, ignore phone calls, ignore their needs, and sabotage.

 

When younger I used to think that this phobia was a load of bull, but it is genuine, these people are definitely troubled, wracked full of intense fear, not that that makes it any easier for the dumpees.

[westrock]

Okay, when you talk about suffocation, I treated her pretty much the same throughout the course of the relationship, and we had begun talking marriage about five months in. She initiated the talk just as much as I did, it's not as if I said "Hey I love you and want to get married," and she was like "Uhh, yeah, sure, whatever." She drove that bus just as much as I did, emailing me suggestions for wedding venues, sitting her parents down to tell them I was The One. We took a tour once of a historical home and she blurted out to the tour guide "Do you rent this place out for weddings and receptions?" I know this is something that for the longest time she wanted just as much as I did.

Green: Intellectually, you are "The One" to her. Intellectually she may have initiated her actions of driving the bus, sitting down with her parents, and making enquiries about the historical home for weddings. She may have initiated all those actions and probably meant all of it, BUT at the same time her own actions also triggered her emotonal fears. Eventually, she reaches a point where her emotional fears become greater than her intellectual thinking and that's when she suddenly breaks up with you.

So when you talk about suffocation, you're not talking about everyday behaviors, but simply me taking the next logical step and formally trying to take the relationship to the next level of commitment?

Yes. What's just natural progression to the next logical step in the relationship is too much for her because it's leading to more and more commitment. Intellectually, she sees it as the next step, but emotionally, it's going down the path of emotional suffocation.

My ex always complained about how her mom would butt into her life and talk about how her father and sister didn't care about her.

A classic case of being pulled in two directions simultaneously. Abandonment and suffocation at the same time. It causes emotional turmoil later on because when they meet up with someone like yourself they can't figure which way you will be treating her.

Yeah, I loved her. I wasn't going to leave her... it wasn't in the cards.

Ajax: she likely knows very well that you love her. But, sadly a CP person has trouble believing you won't leave them -- it's just not in their cards. Their experience is that people who love them have either suffocated them emotionally or abandoned them. They operate under the idea that eventually you will get fed up with them and then abandon them or you'll suffocate them emotionally and they will have to push you away.

And this started when I was like 8 or 9! That's a lot to take on at such a young age. My mom and step dad would suffocate me. Nothing I ever did was right, I wasn't allowed to make my own decisions, when I did of course I was always wrong, my mom would bring all of her issues to me. To this day, she can't stand the thought of just being at home alone. She wants someone at home with her, even if it's just to sit in the same room and watch TV. I now have a 72 hour rule which is about all I can handle of being around her. I grew up alot faster than I think a child should. I'd have panic attacks at 8 years old, obviously not normal. I know that my past has a lot to do with my present.

i_made_a_mess, my heart goes out to you for having to go through this while growing up. Can I ask if you are perfectionist today? One side effect of all this trauma is that the person becomes a perfectionist in an effort to try and please the parents and gain their approval, but it never is enough no matter how hard the child tries. Also, the child learns not to trust their own intuition because they were taught by their parents that they were always wrong. As an adult, this is a dangerous combination because they place an immpossible standard of perfection on a potential partner. However, they use this a way to push away a partner by finding the smallest little issues as a reason to break up. In addition, they cannot trust their own judgment as to whether or not to trust the person as someone who will treat them properly and not abandon them down the road.

The push pull you describe is exactly how my ex and I's relationship was. It's like we couldn't find a healthy balance. When we got to close, I'd push away for fear of him realizing that I wasn't this great prize that he made me out to be because in my mind, that's why all the others left me - when he would back off (as I asked him to) I'd miss him so much that thought of being without him would drive me mad. Of course, I couldn't verbalize this as it would make me vulnerable and/or he'd think I was crazy and leave.

 

Thanks for sharing this i_made_a_mess. I believe the challenge for the CP person is to learn to trust that their partner actually will not think that they are crazy. As Ajax and TheGrimSweeper wrote above, for most non-CP's it's just not in the cards to leave the CP, they love them too much and their own abandonment fears keeps them attached to the CP. If the non-CP was going to leave, they would have left a long time ago.

 

Have you been to therapy to work on these issues from your childhood?

She is in therapy now and is trying to get help for it which I'm glad about. I guess she probably might feel like I abandoned her, which I haven't. I was going to send her a christmas card tomorrow, do you guys think it would be a good idea to write at the bottom "PS: I hope you don't think I've given up on you cause I haven't and never will" ?

Grim.. the best thing for her is to be in therapy. Sending her a card is good idea with the PS too.

She once said to me, at a time when I thought we were finally just comfortable "You only want what you can't have." I thought I did have her and she knew by now I wanted her!

MrLonely: Would you say that it was probably more that she only wanted what she can't have? Rather than take responsibility, often the CP tries to shift the failure of the relationship onto the non-CP.

So I don't think it is so much a fear of commitment as it is fear of committing to the wrong person. You'll still want that special connection where you can fully accept someone who fully accepts you even to the point of being married. You just may not be trusting of your own instincts after you've experienced a relationship failure.

Sally.. I think all CP's actually want to commit to the right person, but the problem is that when one doesn't trust their own instincts then everyone will be the wrong person. That's essentially saying the person has a fear of commitment.

I've never met a commitment phobe who didn't know what it is they were avoiding; they had a bad experience and didn't wish to risk a repeat.

I agree. The real issue is that they don't know how to resolve the feelings from the bad experience so instead they just avoid committing. I agree that most CP's know exactly what they are doing - they are trying to avoid having to face the emotional issues that caused them emotional pain in the past. I believe that avoidance is one of the ways they deal with their commitment issues.

I have been known to actually physically throw up for days on end, due to the phobia. I fit all the criteria-traumatic losses of people close to me, my parents were in a troubled marriage, I crave my independence, but also crave love, I crave solitude and treat girlfriends like mistresses, nobody is ever good enough for me, and the bizarre thing is i really aint a great catch either!

Robaday: I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. Have you ever thought of going to therapy?

[i made a mess]

i_made_a_mess, my heart goes out to you for having to go through this while growing up. Can I ask if you are perfectionist today? One side effect of all this trauma is that the person becomes a perfectionist in an effort to try and please the parents and gain their approval, but it never is enough no matter how hard the child tries. Also, the child learns not to trust their own intuition because they were taught by their parents that they were always wrong. As an adult, this is a dangerous combination because they place an immpossible standard of perfection on a potential partner. However, they use this a way to push away a partner by finding the smallest little issues as a reason to break up. In addition, they cannot trust their own judgment as to whether or not to trust the person as someone who will treat them properly and not abandon them down the road.

Quote:

Originally Posted by i made a mess

The push pull you describe is exactly how my ex and I's relationship was. It's like we couldn't find a healthy balance. When we got to close, I'd push away for fear of him realizing that I wasn't this great prize that he made me out to be because in my mind, that's why all the others left me - when he would back off (as I asked him to) I'd miss him so much that thought of being without him would drive me mad. Of course, I couldn't verbalize this as it would make me vulnerable and/or he'd think I was crazy and leave.

Thanks for sharing this i_made_a_mess. I believe the challenge for the CP person is to learn to trust that their partner actually will not think that they are crazy. As Ajax and TheGrimSweeper wrote above, for most non-CP's it's just not in the cards to leave the CP, they love them too much and their own abandonment fears keeps them attached to the CP. If the non-CP was going to leave, they would have left a long time ago.

 

Have you been to therapy to work on these issues from your childhood?

 

I am! Whether it be work, friends, I'm so eager to please and make everyone like me. Which is exhausting, then I get so mentally drained I lash out over stupid things.

 

You are right though. I would blow little itty bitty things completely out of proportion. My ex was so into me so fast that I didn't feel like he really knew me yet. How could he be so sure I was awesome. I thought he'd leave once he really knew me, so I'd push away.

 

To answer your question, yes I just started therapy last week. I don't know what will happen between my ex and I but o know for me to have a chance with anyone I've got to work on myself. I just really wish I would have done this sooner so that I wouldn't have pushed away such a beautiful and amazing man. I know we shouldn't look back when trying to move forward but I'd kill to do it all over, the right way.

[Ajax]

So what do we do in the future if we find that someone we're involved with is a commitment phobe? Do we start looking for the signs as soon as we meet someone? Do we allow ourselves to fall in love with them? Do we give them the chance to try to have a healthy relationship with us or do we get out before we can get hurt? And if we did that wouldn't it just validate their fears of abandonment? Wouldn't that make us just like them?

[Mrlonelyone]

I think all we can do is, as part of our grieving process'es, learn just why a breakup occurs.

 

I am not sure if it's possible to see that someone is a CP until after they break up with you. Often the pattern is that the relationship is progressing swimmingly then BOOM break up out of no where. The CP often seems as willing to commit as the non-CP.

 

If I knew how their other relationship's ended recently. I would first decide if this person was worth the trouble... then I would suggest counseling. If not then I would leave.