Anybody leave their spouse because of an affair and regret the decision?

[bentnotbroken]

When I read.. that is how it meant to me. Hmm... but really...still I dont understand this fog thing which makes cheaters believe there is no way their partner's are gonna divorce them, even if they left them for OM/OW.

 

It makes me wonder when someone starts cheating if part of their brain stops functioning...Because this is simple so simple. How can someone miss this fact...You go away with OM, you hurt your H and he files for divorce.

 

Anyway I do wanna apologize if that's not what she meant...

 

 

I remember Mr. Messy thinking that I should just completely get over his cheating because he didn't foresee the consequences:eek: I was like what the hell are you smoking? It was like his brain stem had shut down and his brain stopped all function. I don't get it either. But I have seen it enough to know that brain function is highly impaired when you want it to be. The word says that what a man thinks is what he is. So if you think it long enough...poof there you go. Maybe I should starting thinking I am going to win the lottery.

[wicar1]

I remember Mr. Messy thinking that I should just completely get over his cheating because he didn't foresee the consequences:eek: I was like what the hell are you smoking? It was like his brain stem had shut down and his brain stopped all function. I don't get it either. But I have seen it enough to know that brain function is highly impaired when you want it to be. The word says that what a man thinks is what he is. So if you think it long enough...poof there you go. Maybe I should starting thinking I am going to win the lottery.

and I wanna start thinkin of time traveling..So that I could go back to the first date with my ex and tell my self... she's not the one.. LOL

Edited December 20, 2010 by wicar1

[bentnotbroken]

and I wanna start thinkin of time traveling..So that I could go back to the first date with my ex and tell my self... she's not the one.. LOL

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[wheelwright]

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from, having been there myself. Your feelings are natural. The passion you found with the OM has distanced you from your H emotionally and created a vision of an alternative life, free of whatever issues you've had in your M. You've made the decision that leaving isn't what you want, but you're struggling with the pain of giving up the OM to back to what you had before. This was the hardest point for me.

 

I can't tell you whether you'll regret it or not if you leave, since I didn't do that. I stayed. I realized that even though I didn't love my W anymore, there was still a bond there. Plus we had two young children, and I couldn't bring myself to leave them. So I decided that it was worth an investment of effort on my part to try putting things back together. I figured, if it didn't work out at least I would have made the best effort I could. Nearly 4 years later, I'm still here.

 

The first 6 months were hell. I was lucky my W didn't take it out on me too much, because if there had been anger and incrimination on top of everything else it wouldn't have worked. We went to MC and each took responsibility for our part in messing up the marriage in the first place, and we learned how to really communicate for the first time. I missed the OW terribly, but put as much effort as I could into improving things at home.

 

It took 2 years before I could go a day without thinking of the OW, although the thoughts were less and less emotional with every month that passed. It took 3 years before my W wouldn't worry anytime I walked out the door. Fortunately, I've been working at home most of this time, so that helped her through the transition.

 

The good news is that we seem to be over the hump at this point. We have better communication skills and, frankly, our sex life is better than it was before the A. Our kids are happy and thriving.

 

The bad news is that while I love my W, I never fell back in love with her the way I once was. I don't think this is because of the A or the OW, though. I realize now that my feelings had changed long before I cheated. But there is more to life than romance. We are good companions and we enjoy many of the same things and have many mutual friends. I do not regret having stayed in my M.

 

Looking back, I realize now that things would not have worked out long-term with my OW, and had I left I probably would have regretted that. My family would have been worse off all around, and I would probably be sitting alone in a little apartment somewhere scraping to make alimony payments. The romance of an affair is intoxicating, but once your head clears you will start to see things very differently.

 

Hope this helps,

 

MK

 

I thought this a good post. TBH, it's what I hope for my xMOM given his decisions.

[wheelwright]

Simply cheaters seem to think getting betrayed is not a big deal. Well it is a big deal... for people with self respect...and people who really loved their partner... and yes ..there is no way a cheater can know that... they lack self respect and love.

 

When you cheat..you are not only cheating on your H/W but also your kids. It amuses me when cheaters describe their love for the kids. If you really loved your kids...how the hell could you go f**** around with a AP, knowing you are putting your family at risk. When you were with AP have you ever thought what your kids would be doing...?

 

A cheater deserves no family.....

 

I thought this a bit strong!

[wheelwright]

Agree 100%. They don't deserve it. They think they can have sex with someone else then come back into the relationship wanting to deal with the issues. Nope.

 

Not with you. But others seem more reasonable about this issue. Lot's of BSs in fact.

 

Do you deserve a faithful partner? Exactly what would you have done to deserve such?

[wheelwright]

There isn't some force of nature or natural scent that makes them be selfish, disrespectful and sneaky for months and even years at a time. Some stimulus, endorphine or fructose isn't going to make someone be sluuty for another man/woman. It's just pure selfishness and ignorance. They knew what they were doing and even now in the aftermath they refuse to change. If they had a problem, they knew they should've opened their mouths or separate/divorce their spouse. Plain and simple, cut and dry.

 

Love vs duty.

[wheelwright]

uh, no, thats not consistent with the title of your thread.

 

if you weren't thinking about what life would be like if you were with your affair parnter, you wouldn't have started this thread with your first post and the title as it is.

 

 

 

 

but you ARE the only one to blame for your unfaithfullness.

 

 

 

 

and how are you dealing with the aftermath? here is a little peek into what your husband is thinking, no matter how much he wants to make the marriage work:

 

-he is thinking that he will never be able to trust you again

 

-he is thinking that anytime you are away from home that you are probably in some kind of contact with other man. he may say he will believe you if you tell him it isn't the case, but in the back of his mind, he will be a little suspicious

 

-he is thinking about how life would be with someone else, or single again. he may not be thinking seriously about it, but since you had your connection with another man, I assure you, he is wondering about life without you, even if he is committed to staying in the marriage.

 

-he is thinking that you are not the same person he thought he knew.

 

-he is thinking that, even though you may be a part of the reason(even if very small), that the main reason he is wanting to keep the marriage is because of the kids and uncertainty of what will happen in a divorce situation.

 

-he will always be thinking in his head about what you did to him, but will more than likely choose to bottle it up.

 

 

now, knowing all of that, what are you prepared to do to make this up to him?

 

Very eloquent and insightful. Right where my H is at.

 

I wonder how you know all that when you didn't stay?

 

Anyhow, the important people stay with us despite betrayal. Although that is the most damaging thing in any R.

 

There isn't a real problem with this for me - I can see how people express themselves and the ones I love never go beyond the pail. That's the nature of love. You always knew they were like it - that was part of why you love them.

 

But that's not to say you shouldn't get mighty shirty if they betray you.

[Distant78]

Not with you. But others seem more reasonable about this issue. Lot's of BSs in fact.

 

Do you deserve a faithful partner? Exactly what would you have done to deserve such?

 

I don't need to start talking to my female co-worker because I have a problem with my relationship or marriage, nor do I have to say I never really wanted to marry my spouse to cheat. You're the one to talk. And how many BSs are reasonable with this issue of their spouse in bed riding someone else until the break of dawn, then coming home with a cum-filled coochie lying to their spouse saying they accidently feel asleep in their car? Out of how many BSs are willing to just accept that at the drop of a hat? None, and with good reason.

[Distant78]

Love vs duty.

 

It ain't about love versus duty, it's about having self-respect to not bring yourself down to a dirty level if the marriage is on the rocks. If you exhausted every avenue to try and make the marriage better, divorce him/her then go screw whoever as soon as you leave the courtroom. Plain and simple. Cut and dry.

[woinlove]

Love vs duty.

 

I don't understand this response to why someone would cheat. Is the implication that one develops romantic love for another without cheating and then having it decides to cheat? Is the idea that being honest and open is a duty?

 

Your response really puzzles me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Very eloquent and insightful. Right where my H is at.

 

I wonder how you know all that when you didn't stay?

 

because this was exactly what I was thinking in the short month I did stay, and I know this is what I'd think if I had stayed in the marriage.

 

and this is what I know I'd have thought, therefore not worth the torment and staying in the marriage.

 

 

Anyhow, the important people stay with us despite betrayal.

 

so you are saying that only those "important" would stay with you after your betrayal? So you can hurt someone, and they are unimportant if they decide to leave you?

 

 

 

There isn't a real problem with this for me - I can see how people express themselves and the ones I love never go beyond the pail. That's the nature of love. You always knew they were like it - that was part of why you love them.

 

But that's not to say you shouldn't get mighty shirty if they betray you.

 

I can say that the reasons I laid out where the reasons I left.

 

But for those of you that have effed over a loved one, don't kid yourself into thinking that everything is roses inside their heads if they decide to stay and even if great strides are made and it LOOKS like the marriage is great again.

 

The betrayed will have flashbacks and will have triggers. Thats something you gave them for life. So while a marriage, I suppose, can recover, it never will completely for the betrayed. They may come to a good place in their life again, but the thoughts will stay with them.

[Dexter Morgan]

Do you deserve a faithful partner? Exactly what would you have done to deserve such?

 

sy by cheating on your husband, you are saying he didn't deserve a faithful wife.

[Snowflower]

Wow....I feel like I have actually gotten some helpful feed back from you! Thanks for the insights....I agree with all of the above. I believe he IS feeling all of those things, most of it he has told me.

 

As for making it up to him...I am not sure what to do, or where to start.

 

flowergirl, I really admire how you have stuck around despite all the cruel posts you have received--not that all of them were. But wow, the WW threads seem to stir the pot here lately.

 

As for your question (in bold above), as a fBS I found that the smallest things that my H did for me that made the most difference. There were very grand gestures that my H did to proclaim his recommitment to me but it was the small things, the little kindnesses that helped me heal.

 

Nothing will ever "make up" for what you have done but there are a lot of things that you can do to make it easier for your H. IMO, if you are truly wanting to reconcile with your H, you will be able to think of these on your own. They will come naturally to you.

 

I worry though that your head and heart are still consumed with the OM and it will make this all the more difficult for you.

[Dexter Morgan]

flowergirl, I really admire how you have stuck around despite all the cruel posts you have received--not that all of them were. But wow, the WW threads seem to stir the pot here lately.

 

well when someone comes in a forum where mostly people trying to get advice because they are the BS, and you hear someone tell there story and saying they aren't remorseful and don't feel bad for the person they betrayed...what do you expect?

 

its not her story of betrayal, but rather her attitude about it all that ruffled feathers.

 

and some simply merely said her posts would be better received over in the OM/OW forum.

 

she can post here all she likes, but if she doesn't like the responses, thats why I suggested OM/OW forum to be a better place.

[wicar1]

I thought this a bit strong!

 

What about someone cheating on their partner and blaming BS for the cheating...

[Snowflower]

well when someone comes in a forum where mostly people trying to get advice because they are the BS, and you hear someone tell there story and saying they aren't remorseful and don't feel bad for the person they betrayed...what do you expect?

 

its not her story of betrayal, but rather her attitude about it all that ruffled feathers.

 

and some simply merely said her posts would be better received over in the OM/OW forum.

 

she can post here all she likes, but if she doesn't like the responses, thats why I suggested OM/OW forum to be a better place.

 

Oh, I get exactly what you're saying and some of the posts. Missing the OM and "not feeling it" for her BH are hard to read here on infidelity.

 

But, I do "admire" flowergirl for coming back and attempting to answer some of the questions put forth to her. She could have just high-tailed it off to OM/OW and received lots of support and never again visited the infidelity forum.

 

However, she has been coming back and trying to answer. I think that says something.

 

Anyway, flowergirl, I hope you're doing okay. Please be kind to your H. He has suffered a tremendous blow.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh, I get exactly what you're saying and some of the posts. Missing the OM and "not feeling it" for her BH are hard to read here on infidelity.

 

actually, thats wasn't the wosrt part. It was her blaming her husband, making him out to be the sole problem, and saying she didn't feel bad for his pain or had any remorse for what she did.

[love4me2c]

I left my husband 8 mos after his affair and my revenge affair. I realized that this was not going to work for either of us. I know affairs happen, but that doesn't mean I have to stick around. I should have left immediately. As soon as I moved out, I ended my RA for good - within a week and didn't look back. Had I left immediately after finding out about my husband's affair, I KNOW I would not have done such a stupid and low thing as having a RA. Probably the biggest regret in my life was the RA. I hope you can find peace in whatever you decide to do.

[Steadfast]

I've mentioned in a couple other threads that my father had an affair. Skipping the details, my folks stayed together and when he passed they had been married 63 years. About ten years before he told me about it; how much he loved the other woman and why he stayed. I recall him saying that although mom had suffered (and his unending guilt) he believed that he had suffered more. Those 'self inflicted' wounds were brought on by selfishness and entitlement. Close to death, he said that he was the luckiest man alive then asked, 'you know I love your mother, right?' I told him that I knew. He did. And so did she. Very, very deeply.

 

I don't have a degree, but it seems that's more powerful than infatuation.

 

Dad told me she was about eight-years younger than mom, no kids, bigger, firmer breasts and no stretch marks. She was fun, sexy and she listened to him. She made him feel young and sexy. I don't know what triggered it, but he explained how incredibly bad he felt for being so cruel and stupid. He recalled how he had pursued mom when they were younger and how much love he felt for his children. My brothers and I didn't know anything, so life for us was truly great. Both were great. Still, ten-years later, dad would sleep in a different room for months on end. When I asked why he told me his snoring was keeping mom awake. Maybe it was.

 

When my dad passed, my wife was too engrossed in her affair to notice. I felt that I (or we) had a good example in my parents to restore our relationship, but she 'wasn't ready' for that just yet. My wife couldn't get over her loss of attraction for me, so I moved on. I really don't know where she's at now, but it seems like a pretty dark place. I also don't know if her love for me has returned, but do know that my desire for her perished. Cause of death? Starvation. A shame, but we all must choose.