I think this is finally it...O.V.E.R.

[ItsNeverForever]

An update since my last post on Thanksgiving, when I had, once again, re-committed to NC.

 

Part 1: Ouch...I have lost myself again.

I waited to post this update, because the lovesick fool in me thought it might turn out differently. Right.

 

Long story long (LOL), the Friday after Thanksgiving (my new NC Day1), I ran into "MM" at the gym, in what was clearly a setup by some of our friends. He spent most of the evening by my side and we had a really good time. The weird thing was, after the initial shock of seeing him there on a day/time that he normally would never ever be there, I didn't feel upset, sick, worried, angry, or weird at all - nor did I feel elated. It just "was". (I was hoping this neutral feeling meant that I am that much closer to getting over him.

 

We spoke on the phone the next day, because I wanted to discuss with him the conversation his friend had with me at the gym a couple nights prior, during which this friend said he couldn't believe we weren't together anymore, that it didn't make sense, bc MM never talked about anything but me and how happy he was finally, and that this friend just "wouldn’t have it", this “MM” and I not being together. It was my impression on Friday night, as it was my friend that was with me and witnessed how the whole thing went down, that our gym friend had set the whole thing up, making sure that “MM” and I would be there at the same time, etc.

 

The conversation was long and deep. “MM” told me things I always wanted to hear him say that I NEVER thought he would, and made me feel so much better about our whole situation. He's always been very honest, though not always forthcoming without my prodding, as he projects past GF's attitudes/personalities onto me, as if I would not receive the information positively. He forgets that I am not like some other women - I'm not clingy, demanding, dramatic or hysterical. So at that point I felt like it was all or nothing, and I was safe to go ahead and lay out all my true feelings. I explained that in our time apart, I had done a lot of thinking, soul-searching, and wrote things down to try to process analytically. That in doing so, even though I knew this fact the first time I laid eyes on him, I know now for sure that for me, he is "the one". I figured he'd either croak with fear and disappear, or rebut or something, but he didn't; and honestly, I don't now remember his reaction to my declaration at all, I just know it wasn't bad. I said that I understand his situation and how it's affecting him, that he wants it to change, but that he's only going to be able to change it HIS way, and in HIS time, and that because there is nothing I can do about it, I would no longer bring up the subject; it serves no good purpose. However, now that he knows exactly how I feel, and if everything he had just poured out of his heart to me was true and we're on the same page as far as working toward being together eventually, that I was more miserable being apart than I was being "with him but not with him" and that he clearly feels the same because neither of us can seem to cut the cord for more than 5 seconds. (I know, I know, I know...but it's the truth, whether or not it's right or healthy, and when I get into emotional conversations like this, my heart KO's my head and things just spill right out of my big mouth.) He said he felt the same. So I expressed that if we're still both in this, that we need to spend more time together and he needs to make more of an effort to do so, because if we stay apart in this weird NC/LC pattern my feelings won't survive, my heart will grow dark, and our chances of succeeding will be dismal. (I know, I know, I know...right now, I could just shoot myself for saying it, and I can't believe I'm admitting it to you guys now.) Anyway, he agreed, and basically said, "done deal".

 

That was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and for the rest of the weekend and throughout the past week, he had gone back to sending me my regular good morning texts as well as other chatty ones during the day, and calling some evenings...but here's the thing. Now and again, he'd send me something very charming and flirty (not dirty or anything) but if I responded in kind, he ignored it. So, as a little test, I tried being overtly flirty as well and when I was, he'd respond to everything else we were discussing BUT the flirty bits. And to top it all off, after the "done deal" discussion, he never made even half of an attempt to see me, or even express any desire to do so. And I think this tells me all I need to know. I have given up trying to understand why men do the things they do, and I'm tired of speculating why he does what he does.

 

Part 2: Too much whispering. DONE.

After a lovely, happy week of things going back to “normal” (whatever the hell THAT is…!) we had a very minor dramatic incident on Friday that indirectly involved his BabyMama and caused us some uncomfortable drama. We talked it out that night, and as bad as I was feeling about it, he actually chuckled and said that at the end of the day it was such a stupid thing that it was actually a bit amusing, and not to worry, because it will pass in a flash and we’ll get past it. And I haven’t heard a PEEP from him since. I fully expected him to check in with me over the weekend to make sure I was feeling OK with everything, and by the time I went to bed on Saturday night without having heard anything, the rejection hit me like a ton of bricks. It feels like we were in a car accident together, and he left me there in the wreckage to fend for myself. (And yes, I KNOW it’s because he was busy having to assuage the crazy girl’s ridiculous [but not out of the ordinary for her] reaction to Friday’s dumb drama.) Sorry for the simpleton’s analogy but I couldn’t think of anything better. I hope it makes sense.

 

Knowing his personality and little quirks, I think I know why he's acting like this and I really don’t take it personally, but that doesn't really matter. I just keep being reminded of a quote from a past post somewhere in this forum (I wish I could remember who said it, but I'll never forget it) - it was something like: Words whisper; Actions scream. And all “MM” continues to do is whisper. The reason for it is irrelevant because I deserve ACTION.

 

I decided Saturday night that even though I thought I could manage this, I cannot...and I am just going to have to finally stop responding to his communication. He clearly won't let go, but I just can't do it any longer. I don't need his selfish charity crumbs. I have so many other stressors right now - I am in danger of losing my car and having utilities shut off because I'm broke (which means absolutely NO Christmas for my son this year - talk about failures), and my mother is having major surgery to remove Cancer this week and I'll be going to live with her for a few stressful weeks to care for her (and I'm sugar-coating when I say she and I aren't exactly best friends and rarely get along...) so I'm probably going to be a basket case aside from all this stupidity with "MM"...and I just don't need it.

 

So, I’ve actively walked away without notice. I kind of feel bad, but to hear his voice, or to receive his response to any “notice of abandonment” I might send him, I fear, would hurt and/or cause me to backpeddle and I need more for myself right now. Luckily, I still haven’t heard anything since Friday night, so right now I feel very strong – I won’t contact him – I don’t even know what I’d say if I did. But I know that I'm gonna need all the support I can get because it won’t be long before he’s pinging me again. You've all watched me waffle back and forth too many times, and know how weak I am when it comes to this man.

 

I want this. I really, really want this. I don't want to blow it this time. Please help. Kick my @$$ if you have to...

[Hazyhead]

I just keep being reminded of a quote from a past post somewhere in this forum (I wish I could remember who said it, but I'll never forget it) - it was something like: Words whisper; Actions scream. And all “MM” continues to do is whisper. The reason for it is irrelevant because I deserve ACTION.

 

 

So, I’ve actively walked away without notice. I kind of feel bad, but to hear his voice, or to receive his response to any “notice of abandonment” I might send him, I fear, would hurt and/or cause me to backpeddle and I need more for myself right now. Luckily, I still haven’t heard anything since Friday night, so right now I feel very strong – I won’t contact him – I don’t even know what I’d say if I did. But I know that I'm gonna need all the support I can get because it won’t be long before he’s pinging me again. You've all watched me waffle back and forth too many times, and know how weak I am when it comes to this man.

 

I want this. I really, really want this. I don't want to blow it this time. Please help. Kick my @$$ if you have to...

 

You can so do this. In your post I read how selfish this man is and how his game playing is just messing you up even more. I think you're right to walk away here as it's only going to get even messier IMO. And YOU deserve better. He is NOT giving you what you want and the bolded (which I think is fab, btw) is all he is doing. It is not good enough and don't you forget it.

 

Forever, your strength will grow. It'll suck like heck for some time but you will come out of it stronger.

 

Cut him off as much as you can. I know it's incredibly hard but make it so that it's not easy for him to contact you and remove the temptation as much as you can for yourself.

 

Good luck, I'm rooting for you!

[2sunny]

his words and actions don't match = that tells you everything.

 

he doesn't spend "enough" time focused on only you = he spends it toward another woman- who he finds more important than you.

 

he isn't making you his priority = he is making someone else his priority. he isn't thinking of how to make you happy - that is an important part of loving behavior - and he isn't doing it - so ditch him. he's really only thinking of himself.

 

stop waiting. start living.

 

he isn't going to change. the little attention he pays to you isn't enough for you to be happy... he figures you will wait around and be his backup plan... don't be "that" gal.

 

since he obviously has told you one thing and does another - he doesn't keep his word - this means his actions and words don't match = there is a lie in there somewhere!

 

IF he wanted to make you his top priority - he would have done so by now- but he hasn't - that tells you everything he won't say.

 

 

you should want more for yourself than that... you deserve it. you won't be looking for it unless you eliminate him from your life and your mind... quit taking up space in your head with thoughts of him and what "might be" - it isn't "that way" - so go find what makes you happy - since he is obviously incapable of participating in the way that would make you happy.

[ItsNeverForever]

his words and actions don't match = that tells you everything.

 

he doesn't spend "enough" time focused on only you = he spends it toward another woman- who he finds more important than you.

 

he isn't making you his priority = he is making someone else his priority. he isn't thinking of how to make you happy - that is an important part of loving behavior - and he isn't doing it - so ditch him. he's really only thinking of himself.

 

stop waiting. start living.

 

he isn't going to change. the little attention he pays to you isn't enough for you to be happy... he figures you will wait around and be his backup plan... don't be "that" gal.

 

since he obviously has told you one thing and does another - he doesn't keep his word - this means his actions and words don't match = there is a lie in there somewhere!

 

IF he wanted to make you his top priority - he would have done so by now- but he hasn't - that tells you everything he won't say.

 

 

you should want more for yourself than that... you deserve it. you won't be looking for it unless you eliminate him from your life and your mind... quit taking up space in your head with thoughts of him and what "might be" - it isn't "that way" - so go find what makes you happy - since he is obviously incapable of participating in the way that would make you happy.

 

Sunny, I just read this as aloud as I could in my head (I am at work) about 5 times in a row...this is GOOD STUFF. And the part about it taking up space in my head with what "might be" that so clearly ISN'T...there is absolutely no point to that. You're so right. And you know what? Now that I think about it, there's more than one thing he's incapable of, anyway (heh-heh). With me he had everything, and now he has nothing, plus a crazy girl at home. LUCKY GUY.

[2sunny]

Sunny, I just read this as aloud as I could in my head (I am at work) about 5 times in a row...this is GOOD STUFF. And the part about it taking up space in my head with what "might be" that so clearly ISN'T...there is absolutely no point to that. You're so right. And you know what? Now that I think about it, there's more than one thing he's incapable of, anyway (heh-heh). With me he had everything, and now he has nothing, plus a crazy girl at home. LUCKY GUY.

 

sounds like he's a heavy baggage kind of guy. you don't need that. drop the bag. let it loose. you will feel freedom from him dragging you down.

 

next choose time with a man that doesn't carry that kind of baggage. it will be fun! but you can't find a way as long as you are bogged down by the heavy load. let goooooo!

[whichwayisup]

You're too good for him. His loss, not yours!

 

he never made even half of an attempt to see me, or even express any desire to do so. And I think this tells me all I need to know. I have given up trying to understand why men do the things they do, and I'm tired of speculating why he does what he does.

 

This is huge and it's good you've recognized this.

 

It'll hurt and you may have some rough days/weeks, but this is the road to your healing and recovery..Baby steps.. Let your ego and pride take over if days come and want to contact him, remember why you've chosen to walk away.

 

Stay strong and keep posting!

[fooled once]

Read this

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220970/

 

Hopefully it will help you stay strong.

 

I am very happy you have decided ENOUGH!

 

I hope you stick to it!

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[alexandria35]

Whoa! You are close to having your utilities shut off, losing your car and your son is not going to have a Christmas?! and to top it off your mother is sick and going for surgery. What does your MM say about this? How does he help you with these problems? If he doesn't do anything to contribute to your life positively than definitely cut him loose! and thank your lucky stars you are free of him. I don't think it's a man's job to financially support a woman but I haven't ever had a relationship with a man who would just sit back and watch my utilities get cut off or my children go without Christmas.

[ItsNeverForever]

Whoa! You are close to having your utilities shut off, losing your car and your son is not going to have a Christmas?! and to top it off your mother is sick and going for surgery. What does your MM say about this? How does he help you with these problems? If he doesn't do anything to contribute to your life positively than definitely cut him loose! and thank your lucky stars you are free of him. I don't think it's a man's job to financially support a woman but I haven't ever had a relationship with a man who would just sit back and watch my utilities get cut off or my children go without Christmas.

 

Well, he doesn't know. Since we "called it quits" (what a joke) 6+ weeks ago, I haven't been forthcoming with too many details of my life. I don't know if this was some sort of effort to feel more control in our stupid situation or what. He has helped me in many ways in the past, without hesitation & I suspect if he knew he would be more than willing to help. But that's neither here nor there now. I told him about my mom when she was first diagnosed, right before we "broke up"...it hasn't been a topic of conversation since though, bc most of our contact since then has been really benign, post-NC small talk. Plus, if you haven't gleaned from my posts, I don't feel like he gives half a sh*t about me anymore anyway, so why bother. *sigh*

[blueroses10]

I agree with everyone who says you deserve and need better. MM is playing a cruel cat and mouse game with you. Concentrate on the things that are really important and try to forget he ever existed.

[Pokemon]

 

So, I’ve actively walked away without notice. I kind of feel bad, but to hear his voice, or to receive his response to any “notice of abandonment” I might send him, I fear, would hurt and/or cause me to backpeddle and I need more for myself right now.

 

Good for you!!!!! ItsNeverForever!

 

Getting your life back together and taking care of YOU is important, especially when you have so much stuff you have to take care of right NOW.

 

I felt exactly the same way when I walked. No notice given, and any response from him will cause me to waver.

 

All I can say is, things will get better. The going will get really tough at first, be prepared, then all of a sudden, you see the light. You will start feeling like your old self again.

 

Before you know it, xMM won't even matter to you anymore. Even thinking about him together with his wife doesn't make you flinch anymore.

 

I know it because I've been there, and I'm over him. I am so proud of myself for having done that too!

 

Just too happy to have my life back and kick him out of the picture!

 

Now whenever I come onto LS, I just think, "MAN! READING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S SH*T DEPRESSES ME!"

 

But I'm happy to lend other women a helping hand if I can. Trust me, life gets A LOT better after the dark phase blows over.

 

Go for it girl! You can do it!

[ItsNeverForever]

Thanks, Poke - it means so much to me to have my LS family's support. Honestly, I know with 100% certainty that I wouldn't be able to get through this without all of you.

 

Last night as I was driving home, I started to get angry. I walked in my front door, locked it, and just hollered out loud all the potty-mouthed things I wish I could yell in his face, and I felt so much better!

 

Don't get me wrong - although it hurts that he's effectively ditched me after what was a slightly traumatic incident for me, after promising me everything would be ok, I'm glad I haven't heard from him. The more time that goes by without word from him, the angrier I get. If he ever cared about me at all, he's sure got a funny way of showing it.

 

All I have to do from this point forward is enjoy ME - I can do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want - and HE is STUCK, watching his back, working his life around a CRAZY PERSON he doesn't love and who does NOT love him (yes, I have proof) and living half a life. What a man. And by man, I mean LOSER. This morning I made sure I look BANGIN' (LOL) and I'm having fun loving myself.

 

My quote for the day is a 'Lil Wayne lyric: "F*ck you, B*tch - I'm actin' brand new!