No Contact (NC) and what it means to you...

[fooled once]

I received this from a friend today (who is struggling with NC) who got it from a friend (who is a firm believer in NC). Do you see yourself in the below? I hope this helps anyone struggling with NC and help others see the many benefits of NC.

 

'No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out.'

 

Today is my first day of no contact. Here are the reasons I will maintain it:

 

1. He is MARRIED, which is to say he CHOOSES to remain COMMITTED to his WIFE of XX+ years. He is not married to me and will never be, he has not chosen to be with me, he is not committed to me.

 

2. No more GUILT about being the other woman, a homewrecker and a cheat. No more burying the shame of my secret participation in the destruction of another woman's life. No more secrets and white lies and half-truths and endless, endless complications.

 

3. No more FEAR of being caught. No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen. No more cringing with horror when the man I love accidentally calls me 'baby' in public, no more checking for cameras in elevators before kissing, no more going to backwater restaurants and dive bars, where nobody else we know would go.

 

4. No more FALSE EXPECTATIONS. No more daydreaming about what could be, if only; no more fantasies about a future that exists only in my head. No more routine heartbreak, withered dreams, smothered hopes. No more loving an imaginary life with an imaginary man. No more fake life, no more pretending.

 

5. No more booty calls. No more feeling like a sex object, a lover-come-callgirl, a comfort woman. No more lying in bed still flushed from lovemaking and watching him wipe my scent from his body, pull on his socks and pants and shirt and tie so he can go home to eat dinner with his wife. No more feeling humiliated and used. No more.

 

6. No more SCRAPS. No more being a mistress, coming second and getting seconds. No more trying to make a relationship happen in the time leftover from his marriage and his work. No more 15 minute phone calls while he is out walking the dog, no more calling his cell and getting voicemail because he is with her, no more getting cut off because he has pulled into his driveway and he's 'home' now and can't talk to me anymore. No more hurried lunches or drive-by kisses. No more waiting to find out if he can come over, no more waiting for him to arrive, no more of this slapdash, slipshod relationship for me, no sir.

 

7. No more ENABLING and co-dependency. No more planning my life around his, no more feeling bad for him. No more taking on his burdens and 'helping' him work through the problems in his ****ty marriage. I will no longer listen to him criticize his wife and complain about how awful she is, and then stand by as he chooses to stay with her again and again, ignorant to how much the charade hurts me. No more comforting him because she gives him no comfort, listening to him because she doesn't listen, no more loving him because he chooses to stay in a loveless marriage. I will no longer be the woman who makes it possible for him to have his cake and eat it too; I will no longer live half a life so he can live a life and a half.

 

8. No more EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. No more unspoken words and buried feelings, no more having my misery and depression ignored, my feelings punched and twisted like a tetherball. No more dinners and lovemaking and clandestine trips during which the sharp gauntlet of 'the affair' looms over me, even at the best of times. No more wondering about whether to issue an ultimatum, whether we could be happy together, whether I could trust him. No more one-sided commitment, no more unrequited love.

 

9. No more putting my dreams on hold. No more supressing my desire to build a public life with someone who loves me alone and is committed to me alone, who wants to live in a house with me and have babies with me, celebrate holidays and take vacations with me, cook dinner with me and cuddle up on the couch with me, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning. I will no longer ignore the fact that I want a man in my life who wants to live a real, public, open life WITH ME. He is out there, and we are going to find each other.

 

Instead:

 

10. I am creating an HONEST life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the woman I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.

 

11. I am building a REAL LIFE. My life will no longer happen in the shadows, in the back alleys and cold in-betweens of HIS life. Henceforth my life will happen in the warm sunshine, for all to see. I am now living a real life, not a pretend life; I will live in the spaces I create for myself, not the spaces he is willing to make for me. I am no longer trapped in a fantasy, the fulfillment of which depends on the fickle decisions of a married man who has no incentive to act. I am living a real, honest-to-goodness life. MY life.

 

12. I am free to indulge in SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on him and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, do yoga, take hot baths, bake muffins, clean out my cabinets, go shopping, sit in the steam room at the gym, sleep in and relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.

 

13. My chronic DEPRESSION IS LIFTING. I am no longer trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere, there are no more emotional no-go zones in my soul, I am no longer burdened by guilt and shame. My heart is open, and I will feel more and more alive each day.

 

14. I can DREAM again! I can open my heart and fantasize about finding a man who will ask me to marry him, who will father my children, who will choose to build a life with me. I can actually start dating men who have the real-life potential to fulfill this dream of mine.

[ilovenewyork]

WOW!!!!! This is amazing!!!!!!!!!!

[jennie-jennie]

Yawn.

 

While the OP may be fitting for some OW, this is more appropriate for me:

No contact opens up the gates of heaven and lets you out, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you in.

 

A lot of what was mentioned as problems, I have no problem with. Guilt and shame for example, living my own life, etc.

 

I can say however that NC HAS changed our relationship to the better. But I believe it was only because my MM was the one who initiated it and who broke it off. NC made him realize many things. One of them being that before NC he always thought in the back of his mind that he could one day end our relationship and go back to what he had in his marriage. NC made him realize I am in his life to stay.

[moaningmyrtle]

Can a BW answer this from her own perspective?

 

I agree with much of what the OP said although I take issue with No 7.

 

If the marriage is truly that bad then I think NC should be able to show the MM exactly what/who it is he wants to be with. If he realises, as Jennies' MM apparently has, that he cannot live without the OW then as a BW I would want him to choose the OW and leave me. I definitely would not want my H staying in loveless marriage with me. Terminating NC but continuing to deceive the BW by having the A just shows that NC has achieved no real purpose, and consigns the OW to some sort of vulture-like status. I know someone like Jennie makes the best of this but it cannot be an easy life to lead and one has to undergo a lot of self-deception in order to see oneself as anything other than a woman who is waiting it out for some other poor woman's marriage to end.

 

Back to the question of what NC meant to me.

 

1. True NC was only initiated in our case because of a d-day. It was something my H offered, and I instinctively accepted it. I think perhaps he had a lot more time than I did to ascertain that NC was the recommended thing to do in the case of an A and a d-day where the MM didn't want to leave his wife. I was completely ignorant of what ought to happen as I had no experience of infidelity and no real inkling that it was part of my own marriage.

 

2. It gave me some certainly that my H was focusing on us and what he wanted out of our marriage.

 

3. It gave him some respite from knowing that the OW was waiting in the wings. Also for him it was a bridge burning exercise.

 

4. Having said that I'm fairly sure she wold have wanted him back if he'd been willing to leave me so in some way there was a security blanket for him (not fair to me).

 

5. It allowed us to work on rebuilding our marriage without interference from the OW. Nor was she kept informed of how we were going. On the one occasion I met her she was so eager to know how we were going that I realised that it was unlikely that my H had been contacting her behind my back to update her on our progress.

[Spark1111]

That was beautifully written, FO.

 

Myrtle you make some good points, too!

 

I think we should all go NC with the MM or MW until their confusion clears up and they decide who they want to have a relationship with, IF that person, whether OW or BS, wants to at that point.

[ladydesigner]

That was one of the best reasons for NC that I have ever read. I know there are HOW out there, but I would NEVER want to be the one that isn't first priority.

 

Thank you Fooled Once. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

[jennie-jennie]

That was one of the best reasons for NC that I have ever read. I know there are HOW out there, but I would NEVER want to be the one that isn't first priority.

 

Thank you Fooled Once. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

 

But I am second to none. I never understood that talk about coming second. Perhaps it differs from MM to MM how they treat their women?

[ladydesigner]

But I am second to none. I never understood that talk about coming second. Perhaps it differs from MM to MM how they treat their women?

 

I was not referring to you JJ. Your situation seems different than most OW on this board. Sorry if I came off as rude.

[jennie-jennie]

Edited....

[jennie-jennie]

I was not referring to you JJ. Your situation seems different than most OW on this board. Sorry if I came off as rude.

 

Maybe it has more to do with the OWs perception of how she is treated and more about the circumstances. Re: Wanting more than it's possible to be given.

 

Can only speak for myself, but when I was the OW, my MM never treated me badly nor was he disrespectful to me, but because of him being married, I couldn't have what I really wanted with him, which was to NOT share him or all his free time or all of his affection. I didn't want to share.

 

We're good, ladydesigner. I just wanted to point out that not everybody feels that they are second.

 

I believe the key to being a happy OW is your perception of your situation. You can be in the same situation and experience it very differently. Are you taking on victim status or are you were you are at because you have made an active choice to be there?

[jwi71]

But I am second to none. I never understood that talk about coming second. Perhaps it differs from MM to MM how they treat their women?

 

Unless something has changed in your A dynamic this cannot be true J-J.

 

You have, since your beginnings here, consistently posted about wanting more. And you are clearly NOT getting it (he's still M after all). In response, you have developed coping skills to help you through the days. However, in a healthy R, there is no need for a coping skill (for you, accept what you have even though you clearly want more).

 

The best response would be to eliminate the need for a coping skill.

 

I don't know this but have you ever laid out, in plain terms, exactly what you want from your MM? If so, what was his response? And if not, why not?

 

You are playing second fiddle to someone...either him or his W.

 

Not attacking you J-J...just felt a need to proffer that up.

[jennie-jennie]

Unless something has changed in your A dynamic this cannot be true J-J.

 

You have, since your beginnings here, consistently posted about wanting more. And you are clearly NOT getting it (he's still M after all). In response, you have developed coping skills to help you through the days. However, in a healthy R, there is no need for a coping skill (for you, accept what you have even though you clearly want more).

 

The best response would be to eliminate the need for a coping skill.

 

I don't know this but have you ever laid out, in plain terms, exactly what you want from your MM? If so, what was his response? And if not, why not?

 

You are playing second fiddle to someone...either him or his W.

 

Not attacking you J-J...just felt a need to proffer that up.

 

I don't deny I still want more, jwi. But this is a relationship between two people. I believe it is rare to find two people who want exactly the same, even if they are married. I know that in both my prior long term relationships I also wanted more. I am actually more satisfied in my present relationship than in my prior ones, although I was living together with my exSOs for a significant amount of the time I was together with them.

 

I am certainly not second fiddle to his wife. I am his romantic, emotional, intellectual and sexual partner. I am not in competition with his wife in these areas. She is of course the mother of his children, but that she will always remain.

 

And when it comes to playing second fiddle to him, he is my equal, we are in a relationship together, we both have to take consideration to each other. It is give and take as in any relationship.

 

I have told him plain as day from day 1 what I want from him. He knows I want him to myself and that I want him to get a divorce. I can see that he has been moving closer and closer to me throughout the years. He is now openly contemplating divorce. He has decided to tell his wife about our relationship and see where the pieces fall from there. This is a big change for him since he was determined earlier to keep this secret forever. We have however mutually decided to wait with that until the fall since I plan to spend a large part of the summer in his city and we want that time for ourselves without the turmoil a confession will cause.

[jennie-jennie]

Jwi, not feeling attacked by you by the way. I feel we have gotten some kind of friendship bond/mutual respect since our discussion about the statistics. I hope I am correct in this perception.

Edited February 11, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jwi71]

Jwi, not feeling attacked by you by the way. I feel we have gotten some kind of friendship bond/mutual respect since our discussion about the statistics. I hope I am correct in this perception.

 

Of course.

 

It gets better when you realize I'm right

[jennie-jennie]

Of course.

 

It gets better when you realize I'm right

 

LOL That's never gonna happen. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

[SerenityX2]

He has decided to tell his wife about our relationship and see where the pieces fall from there. This is a big change for him since he was determined earlier to keep this secret forever. We have however mutually decided to wait with that until the fall since I plan to spend a large part of the summer in his city and we want that time for ourselves without the turmoil a confession will cause.

 

I cannot for the life of me understand such incredible cruelity and being a part of it. Anyone who wants out of the marriage but is waiting for some ambiguous timeline to make that happen is not only a wuss but a cruel excuse for a human being.

 

Nice, that you can have a great time in the summer only to face possible turmoil a few mos later. Nah, no sticking heads in the sand or compartmentalizing much there.

[pgummins]

Fantastic Makes me so ****ing rigid in my NC

[jennie-jennie]

You've got 4 months until summer, if he confesses now you'll have the summer completely to yourselves without the turmoil of sneaking around...why wait?

 

Because there is no saying how things will turn out after Dday. My MM is being pulled in two directions, which of course is why he is still in both the marriage and the affair.

[jennie-jennie]

I cannot for the life of me understand such incredible cruelity and being a part of it. Anyone who wants out of the marriage but is waiting for some ambiguous timeline to make that happen is not only a wuss but a cruel excuse for a human being.

 

Nice, that you can have a great time in the summer only to face possible turmoil a few mos later. Nah, no sticking heads in the sand or compartmentalizing much there.

 

I don't think he has decided yet if he wants out of the marriage. I said he was contemplating divorce.

[fooled once]

Can this post get back to the original thoughts and not all about Jennie again?

 

For those that want NC and who need NC, this post was for you.

 

If you don't want it, if you are happy being the mistress, if you want to continue to be the secret hidden from family/co-workers/friends, this post isn't for you. But please don't come in with snarky comments or refute things just because.

 

Most OW don't want to continue in years long affair. Most OW want to be chosen, want a life with the MM. Most OW don't want to be the long term mistress.

 

For those women, once they decide they have endured enough disrespect, enough secretness and enough heartache and know that NC is what they need, hopefully this thread will help them stand strong in their resolve.

 

I didn't write this, but I thought it was very good which is why I wanted to share it. For those that get the intent and the reasoning for why it was posted, thank you.

[jennie-jennie]

Can this post get back to the original thoughts and not all about Jennie again?

 

For those that want NC and who need NC, this post was for you.

 

If you don't want it, if you are happy being the mistress, if you want to continue to be the secret hidden from family/co-workers/friends, this post isn't for you. But please don't come in with snarky comments or refute things just because.

 

Most OW don't want to continue in years long affair. Most OW want to be chosen, want a life with the MM. Most OW don't want to be the long term mistress.

 

For those women, once they decide they have endured enough disrespect, enough secretness and enough heartache and know that NC is what they need, hopefully this thread will help them stand strong in their resolve.

 

I didn't write this, but I thought it was very good which is why I wanted to share it. For those that get the intent and the reasoning for why it was posted, thank you.

 

I just don't believe NC is the way to go unless you are done forever with the MM. The pull back to the MM is so strong if you are not done, that it is very unlikely that NC will succeed in those cases.

 

Forever is a long time. It is totally unrealistic to expect yourself not to be in contact with the person you love, if you are not ready to say goodbye to them.

[skylarblue]

I think I’m going to ask MM to a make a choice about our R. He either has to stop seeing me with NC ever again or he is going to have to offer me more and try to make this a “real” R. There are certain things you listed I just don’t want to accept in our R anymore. Oddly, they are the reasons why I want NC whatever-so-ever if he doesn’t want to forward our R, and why he has to decide if he wants a “real” R with me. Because I want:

No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen.

No more fake life, no more pretending.

No more feeling like a lover-come-callgirl, lying in bed and watching him wipe my scent from his body so he can go home to his wife.

No more calling his cell and getting voicemail because he is with her, getting cut off because he has pulled into his driveway and he's 'home' now and can't talk to me anymore. No more waiting to find out if he can come over.

No more buried feelings.

No more suppressing my desire to build a public life with someone who loves and is committed to me alone, who wants to live in a house and have babies, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning.

I’m willing to accept that he’s married and this could never really be a “real” R, but he is going to have to give me something more substantial. I’m not going to play this game anymore. Things have become too complicated. And I’m not going to do as he wants which is to find someone to be happy with, but continue to see him. I know the best thing is probably to initiate NC myself and save myself from further confusions and complications, but I want to see if it can really work for us…with a MM…yeah, who am I kidding.

I think the thread will be a good reminder and encouraging if he chooses NC. Maybe if I read it enough I’d be inclined to do it myself.

[jennie-jennie]

I love the one about no longer being willing to have a half a life while he has a life and a half.

 

Ironically, I was reading this post on iphone. I copied and pasted it to email it to myself. Iphone has an autofill for email addresses that you cannot delete without restoring the iphone, which is a total pain. His address comes up directly under mine. Anyway, I almost ACCIDENTALLY hit his address. Again, I have NO desire to contact him, but I thought it was so funny that this is a post on no contact and I almost accidentally forwarded it to him.

 

Seriously though, it would be great if this post was a sticky. Thanks again FO for posting it.

 

Very bad idea to make it a sticky, since all posters do not agree on NC being the way to go.

[fooled once]

I think I’m going to ask MM to a make a choice about our R. He either has to stop seeing me with NC ever again or he is going to have to offer me more and try to make this a “real” R. There are certain things you listed I just don’t want to accept in our R anymore. Oddly, they are the reasons why I want NC whatever-so-ever if he doesn’t want to forward our R, and why he has to decide if he wants a “real” R with me. Because I want:

No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen.

No more fake life, no more pretending.

No more feeling like a lover-come-callgirl, lying in bed and watching him wipe my scent from his body so he can go home to his wife.

No more calling his cell and getting voicemail because he is with her, getting cut off because he has pulled into his driveway and he's 'home' now and can't talk to me anymore. No more waiting to find out if he can come over.

No more buried feelings.

No more suppressing my desire to build a public life with someone who loves and is committed to me alone, who wants to live in a house and have babies, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning.

I’m willing to accept that he’s married and this could never really be a “real” R, but he is going to have to give me something more substantial. I’m not going to play this game anymore. Things have become too complicated. And I’m not going to do as he wants which is to find someone to be happy with, but continue to see him. I know the best thing is probably to initiate NC myself and save myself from further confusions and complications, but I want to see if it can really work for us…with a MM…yeah, who am I kidding.

I think the thread will be a good reminder and encouraging if he chooses NC. Maybe if I read it enough I’d be inclined to do it myself.

 

Sky, you deserve more. Don't ever forget that. You deserve all that life can offer you. Don't allow anyone to ever tell you differently. You have been through a lot lately and maybe that has become the defining moment for you.

 

For those of you that DO believe in NC, I hope this post brings you clarity when you are feeling as if you want to break it. Stay strong and demand what you deserve. NEVER settle for less. NEVER feel as if you aren't worthy of a FULL relationship vs half a relationship. Life is too short to continue down a path of secrets, lies and deception.

 

Good luck!

[pureinheart]

I received this from a friend today (who is struggling with NC) who got it from a friend (who is a firm believer in NC). Do you see yourself in the below? I hope this helps anyone struggling with NC and help others see the many benefits of NC.

 

'No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out.'

 

Today is my first day of no contact. Here are the reasons I will maintain it:

 

 

4. No more FALSE EXPECTATIONS. No more daydreaming about what could be, if only; no more fantasies about a future that exists only in my head. No more routine heartbreak, withered dreams, smothered hopes. No more loving an imaginary life with an imaginary man. No more fake life, no more pretending.

 

6. No more SCRAPS.

 

7. No more ENABLING and co-dependency. No more planning my life around his, no more feeling bad for him. No more taking on his burdens and 'helping' him work through the problems in his ****ty marriage.

 

8. No more EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. No more unspoken words and buried feelings, no more having my misery and depression ignored, my feelings punched and twisted like a tetherball. No more dinners and lovemaking and clandestine trips during which the sharp gauntlet of 'the affair' looms over me, even at the best of times. No more wondering about whether to issue an ultimatum, whether we could be happy together, whether I could trust him. No more one-sided commitment, no more unrequited love.

 

9. No more putting my dreams on hold. No more supressing my desire to build a public life with someone who loves me alone and is committed to me alone, who wants to live in a house with me and have babies with me, celebrate holidays and take vacations with me, cook dinner with me and cuddle up on the couch with me, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning. I will no longer ignore the fact that I want a man in my life who wants to live a real, public, open life WITH ME. He is out there, and we are going to find each other.

 

Instead:

 

10. I am creating an HONEST life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the woman I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.

 

11. I am building a REAL LIFE. My life will no longer happen in the shadows, in the back alleys and cold in-betweens of HIS life. Henceforth my life will happen in the warm sunshine, for all to see. I am now living a real life, not a pretend life; I will live in the spaces I create for myself, not the spaces he is willing to make for me. I am no longer trapped in a fantasy, the fulfillment of which depends on the fickle decisions of a married man who has no incentive to act. I am living a real, honest-to-goodness life. MY life.

 

12. I am free to indulge in SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on him and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, do yoga, take hot baths, bake muffins, clean out my cabinets, go shopping, sit in the steam room at the gym, sleep in and relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.

 

13. My chronic DEPRESSION IS LIFTING. I am no longer trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere, there are no more emotional no-go zones in my soul, I am no longer burdened by guilt and shame. My heart is open, and I will feel more and more alive each day.

 

14. I can DREAM again! I can open my heart and fantasize about finding a man who will ask me to marry him, who will father my children, who will choose to build a life with me. I can actually start dating men who have the real-life potential to fulfill this dream of mine.

 

This is great and thank you for sharing it, not being rude...just deleted what didn't apply....I'm gonna make a copy of this and put it on my mirror to remind me of where I am today.....