Guys Afraid to Approach Girls. Why?

[Feelin Frisky]

...

Anyone else share why they feel they cannot, or otherwise find it very difficult, to approach women?

 

 

The why's don't matter as much as the answer. The answer is often that we just think and don't act. And the more we think, the more we give ourselves social anxiety. So, the answer is to try to be proactive and beat your own feelings to the punch by breaking the social ice as soon as possible. This doesn't mean marching up and giving a strange girl a pick up line. It does mean--or at least I think it means--don't let an opportunity go by to make her feel you are not a threat and are someone comfortable to be around. That means probably being just outgoing or at least appearing outgoing, perhaps pitching your name without probing her for hers and giving her some sense that she has the power to accept or pass on you without it being a big social trauma.

 

We can't tell what's going on in their heads either--so despite the gorgeous image they may put together, they may be just as socially anxious. The answer to anxiety is ease. So, the next step would seem to be to make things socially easy and fluid rather than obsess about them so that they seem so intensely decisive in the moment. That's probably why the guys who act "indifferent" seem to induce girls to chase them, whereas the ones who seem to try to advance themselves push girls to reject them. I think there's something in between--but it does involve appearing comfortable with waiting and that may mean appearing a bit more "indifferent" than we really are.

[green_tea]

 

For some strange reason, I find myself feeling unworthy of women. I find that approaching a woman for me is akin to committing a crime, no exaggeration!

 

...

 

Anyone else share why they feel they cannot, or otherwise find it very difficult, to approach women?

 

I'm a woman, but can relate to this. I do somehow feel a little unworthy, because I have never had a successful relationship. Only bad ones, and feel as though this somehow makes me less worthy than other women. But I try to snap myself out of it, that I do deserve someone nice.

 

I also worry about flirting with guys, because at my age, a lot of them are taken - I know you are an older guy, so maybe you are worried that the women that you have your eye on are not available? All you can really do in that situation is to talk them long enough to figure out if they are single.

[dbc100]

Probably because I've been rejected every time I tried asking someone out, which builds on a person. So I stopped trying.

[Seamless74]

I have no problem approaching women.

 

I rarely see a woman worth the time to approach. Today 4:48 PM

 

thats either pure unadulterated bull**** or you never leave the house..

 

 

I also worry about flirting with guys, because at my age, a lot of them are taken - I know you are an older guy, so maybe you are worried that the women that you have your eye on are not available? All you can really do in that situation is to talk them long enough to figure out if they are single. Today 3:51 PM

 

 

thats why i think its really important to ask that question upfront..

[mathguy]

I typically don't have a problem talking to a girl or asking her out.

 

Emphasis on the singular here, because I can't even approach her if anyone else is in earshot, let alone show interest in her. I'll usually wait until I can get a girl alone or not even try because I'll worry about what her friends or some passerby - not she - might think.

 

I wish I could just quit caring about that and go for it; I've missed too many opportunities this way...

Edited December 5, 2010 by mathguy

[In The Green]

Apart from giving birth, there is nothing that a woman can do that a man cannot do better. Nothing.

 

I am so happy for you! I fully support your having finally come out of the closet and found a lifestyle that suits you.

[Green]

thats either pure unadulterated bull**** or you never leave the house..

 

 

 

 

 

thats why i think its really important to ask that question upfront..

 

I think it is an excuse not to approach women to act as if you NEVER or only RARELY spot an attractive woman. If you live a life that involves going out of your house each day you will see a number of attractive women each month/week/day even... Once you aproach and talk to those women you may lose interest though. I went a good many months maybe over a year between seriouse gf's... gotta have that right balance of she likes me and I like her.

 

I think its lame to ask upfront if a woman is married or seeing some one. I have had it happen in the past where a woman says "I have a bf" or "I'm married." With the I'm married I would just say something like "Please take this as a compliment, your husband has good taste in women" then I'd be off... If a girl says bf but still seems flirty it would be smart to find out if this is a guy she is on again off again with... or just some new guy who she has been on 2 dates with or some seriouse thing... obviously if she gives you the F off tone when she says "I have a bf" she may not even have one but you might as well just give up and not worry.

 

asking some one if they have a boyfriend is kind of awkward and girls don't like saying they are single so you already put her on the spot in the wrong way. You want to put single girls on the spot about going out to eat with you or something not about if they are single.

 

I typically don't have a problem talking to a girl or asking her out.

 

Emphasis on the singular here, because I can't even approach her if anyone else is in earshot, let alone show interest in her. I'll usually wait until I can get a girl alone or not even try because I'll worry about what her friends or some passerby - not she - might think.

 

I wish I could just quit caring about that and go for it; I've missed too many opportunities this way...

 

Strangers overhearing you talking with a girl shouldn't bother you. If you see a pretty girl alone reading a book at the park and you like her might as well chat her up... who cares if the strangers sitting on the bench overhear. Nothing wrong with flirting with a girl infront of her friends but if she is with people she knows its a good idea to isolate her by calling her out of hearing range and sight of her friends as to get a more likely YES to asking her out... but I've had to ask girls out infront of their friends if I thought I would have no other oportunity... my current gf was asked out infront of people she knew. It was my best shot... I wasn't going to risk seeming lame by asking her out over the internet or something.

 

I am so happy for you! I fully support your having finally come out of the closet and found a lifestyle that suits you.

 

Nothing gay about thinking men do everything better unless that also includes please him sexualy.

 

Not necesarily the best attitude to have though.

[musemaj11]

I am so happy for you! I fully support your having finally come out of the closet and found a lifestyle that suits you.

Thats the most intelligent response you could come up with woman?

[Green]

Thats the most intelligent response you could come up with woman?

 

they aren't known for their humor.

 

But they love being approached

[musemaj11]

But they love being approached

Its more like they love not having to do anything.

 

If you notice, all women want a man who is better than them at EVERYTHING aka Mr. Perfect. Why? Because then she doesnt have to do and worry about ANYTHING.

 

When a woman says, "I want security", it basically means, "I want someone who will do everything for me so I dont have to do it myself."

[welikeincrowds]

Its more like they love not having to do anything.

 

If you notice, all women want a man who is better than them at EVERYTHING aka Mr. Perfect. Why? Because then she doesnt have to do and worry about ANYTHING.

 

When a woman says, "I want security", it basically means, "I want someone who will do everything for me so I dont have to do it myself."

 

Yo, go to sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow, I promise.

[musemaj11]

Yo, go to sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow, I promise.

Lol, Im feeling good dude.

[Surrealist]

Hey awesome posts Green, Yer Blues, Feeling Frisky in particular! Bit different perspectives but all good! I don't even mind guys or girls venting on my thread, which is what I was doing anyway. Great read either way.

[Green]

Its more like they love not having to do anything.

 

If you notice, all women want a man who is better than them at EVERYTHING aka Mr. Perfect. Why? Because then she doesnt have to do and worry about ANYTHING.

 

When a woman says, "I want security", it basically means, "I want someone who will do everything for me so I dont have to do it myself."

 

I think its more about them being scared to face rejection and as a man your more built to enjoy that HUNTING sensation that comes when chasing a woman.

 

I'm in a seriouse relatonship and I wouldn't respect my girlfriend if she wanted me to do everything. I want things to be 50/50 a true partnership. I'm better/stronger in some areas and she is in others.

[musemaj11]

I think its more about them being scared to face rejection and as a man your more built to enjoy that HUNTING sensation that comes when chasing a woman.

 

I'm in a seriouse relatonship and I wouldn't respect my girlfriend if she wanted me to do everything. I want things to be 50/50 a true partnership. I'm better/stronger in some areas and she is in others.

I agree on the 50/50 philosophy.

 

I used to think that women deserved special treatment just because they were women. I thought that its my job as a man to do everything for a woman so she doesnt have to do anything.

 

Then I realized I was a fool. I no longer believe in the 'gentleman' crap. Neither men nor women deserve anymore special treatment than the other.

 

Now I still do approach the girls Im interested in. But I wont go out of my way like before.

Edited December 5, 2010 by musemaj11

[IGTOTS]

I find it hard to approach woman sometimes for several different reasons. One of them is insecurity I guess you could say. according to wiki - Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner). This hasn't always been like this for me until certain lifestyle changes such as smoking for an example.

 

I am not bad looking at all but I have lost a lot of confidence due to insecurity problems. Which leads to fear of rejection which I guess would be number two. But not to get into all that I think more importantly it has a lot to do with our day and age. In a nut shell so many people are self centered and almost could care less about others. Very judgmental especially when it comes to money and for woman we all know what I am talking about. Most woman are not attracted to the man these days, they are attracted to the mans wallet and whats in it.

 

So I do believe this makes it extremely hard for men to talk to woman these days because if you don't have a fat wallet then you are just not good enough. What makes me say this is because if a woman realizes she can be with someone just like you but with a fat pocket then why not. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but truth hurts and it is what it is. A lot of times a girl may be totally attracted to you but your wallet is just to ugly.

 

Well I could go on and on about how I feel about all this good stuff but thats it in a nut shell, hope it helps.

 

Oh one last thing, I came to the conclusion that until I can really look at myself in the mirror and truly know deep in my heart I am the type of person I would want to be with, then really I am just not ready to be in a relationship in the first place and what makes me say this is because when that time comes, I feel it wont be me needing to go talk to the ladies, the ladies will need to be trying to talk to me

[counterman]

I found it extremely difficult at first. Of course I only really started after my break-up middle of last year. This was about a month after. It was way too soon.

 

The first girl I approached, I had this whole plan on what to say to her. She didn't laugh at my story. She was extremely nice though. I saw her a few more times, got her number but she didn't pick. Somewhere in the next few meetings, I got friendzoned. However, I was glad she was nice to me... or else I could have been scarred.

 

Why did I find it hard? Well, before my ex-girlfriend and a few instances, I didn't get that much attention from girls. I guess in some way I was seeking their approval and was afraid that they wouldn't like me and, hence, reject me. Especially with the more attractive girls. I would feel inferior and I would place them on a pedestal.

 

The more girls I approached, the more comfortable I felt, the better I dealt with rejection. Literally, it is nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders if a girl isn't interested. Not even a second thought. However, I would say that once you get started approaching girls, you should keep going and keep dating. I've stopped for a while and committed to my work, now I am finding it hard to get motivated to start again.

 

That mindset that Green has set out is ideal. Why are we so afraid? If we see a girl we find attractive, we should just approach her. If we don't do anything, we've failed before even trying. However, I do understand that that mindset of being scared of rejection is hard to get out of, but really, just living for us and going for what you want is the way to go.

 

Many times I had to "steel" myself to just talk to a girl. That was the start of something wonderful.

[Seamless74]

asking some one if they have a boyfriend is kind of awkward and girls don't like saying they are single so you already put her on the spot in the wrong way. You want to put single girls on the spot about going out to eat with you or something not about if they are single.

 

understand the premise but disagree completely.. Two reasons

 

1.) you see it countless times on this board and in life in general. Guy musters up courage to approach. Guy and Girl have nice conversation.Guy thinks girl might be into him and they continue to talk for some time. And guy doesnt take things any further because hes nervous about her situation and thinks she might have somebody and girl doesnt tell him because she doesnt want to bust his bubble or lose his attention.

 

Im not saying ask are you married? or do you have a boyfriend? but simply saying whats your realtionship situation?

 

2.) because as is often the case when you approach a female your not going to know what to say alot of times until you become good your going to risk being boring,, Asking someone their relationship situation is at the very least somewhat exciting and escalates the conversation which will make it more interesting..

[BS76]

Hi I've noticed that I am not alone in this area of feeling afraid or holding back from approaching girls I'm interested in. I have my reasons, and I'm interested to know why some other guys feel the same way.

 

I feel the typical reasons are afraid of rejection and shyness as most people of similar reserve also feel. But then, there are plenty of situations in life I have had to confront shyness to step up to the plate and deliver. But with approaching girls, there is much more to it than mere shyness and fear of rejection, at least for myself.

 

I kind of find it hard to articulate what I find is the pressing issue regarding my fear of approaching women. It no doubt stems from issues and events that go back to my childhood that continued into my early adulthood, the latter experiences only reinforcing those bad experiences and encounters as a child and teenager.

 

For some strange reason, I find myself feeling unworthy of women. I find that approaching a woman for me is akin to committing a crime, no exaggeration! I was reading one of Green's posts earlier where he advised someone that there is nothing wrong with asking women out for dates and it kind of hit me, yeah? Really? I never really looked at it like that. For some reason I feel there is something wrong with ME doing just that, approaching any woman with a romantic agenda. I have no trouble being nice to women, and people in general for that matter, hence why I often get pursued by women I don't find in any way attractive, as their lifestyles are clearly incompatible with my own. But I also notice some really nice chicks give me attention as well, but other than reciprocating with flirting gestures, I won't dare approach.

 

All this is certain low self-esteem, very low, together with defeating self-beliefs that are not easily overcome by simple dating strategies.

 

Anyone else share why they feel they cannot, or otherwise find it very difficult, to approach women?

 

It's called Approach Anxiety. It's normal. Pickup artists and dating coaches have a myriad of ways to minimize it and overcome it.

 

http://approachanxiety.com/

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/art-charisma/200804/how-deal-approach-anxiety

 

I'm a big fan of the following book. It's a 30 day workout for your social skills.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Rules-Game-Neil-Strauss/dp/0061540455

[In The Green]

Thats the most intelligent response you could come up with woman?

 

Haha! I wasn't shooting for intelligence obviously just poor humor. Your line was funny, I had to mess with you.

 

I'm sorry you feel your mother misled you about women. I do hope that one day you can forgive her and find some kind balance with your relationship to women. The anger & frustration in the end only hurts you, because you're always experiencing it internally. The sooner you find your own power balanced with love & compassion, the sooner you will most likely meet a quality woman who will enjoy you for you.

 

I don't say this in a kidding or condescending way. I had my own issues with your gender 10 years ago, so I empathize.

[PJKino]

Insecurity about my looks and im terrified of rejection..Even if you throw those 2 out which are pretty big deals on their own im just not good at makign small talk with strangers.

[carhill]

Part of my work during divorce alone time related to this subject. The commonality in my case appears to be unreasonable fear due to repetitive cases of being lied to about relationship/marital status. In essence, emotional memories of unhealthy interactions with broken women colored my viewpoint of women in general. The work has been to accept that those memories are valid and the experiences were unhealthy and not indicative of the potential of any new meetings.

 

Additionally, with the natural relationship style and setpoint of preferring LTR's and being married versus casual/FWB/ONS type dating and relationship dynamics, my mindset about meeting women is different than men who aren't LTR-centric. They naturally invest less of themselves into their dynamics and care less, simply because the future (with that woman or any woman) really isn't important to them. If something 'casual' grows into a LTR, that's OK. If not, they move on to something else. It's just a different path. My exW had a psychology like that, a markedly different methodology and depth of investment, one which ultimately made us incompatible. I just didn't figure it out until we were already married.

 

So, accepting that the past is the past and not indicative of the future, along with caring less, have been my key to healthier perspective on approaching women since becoming divorced. Also, in marked contrast to the past, I quickly discontinue dating or being in contact with a woman if she breaches my boundaries or otherwise doesn't show me the type and amount of interest I feel is healthy. This is part of 'caring less' about them and more about myself. It also appears to make approaching women much easier. It 'feels' healthier. Anyway, one datapoint

[ihavelotsofcoconuts]

there's this girl...and she works in a sex shop . and i was in there a couple of days ago with a girlfriend (just a friend that happens to be a girl...chill ) and we were just curiously browsing to see what they had. And this girl absolutely caught my eye. She was gorgeous . The main problem is that I don't know her and don't know how to start talking to her. I wouldn't want her to think i'm some creep from the street asking her out without even talking to her first. Any ideas on what to ask her? Some scenarios maybe that i could put in place to get a conversation started? Maybe something related to the fact that she works at a sex shop (which is kinda unusual in my town) i dunno?

 

Many of you would say that "dude grow a pair and start talking to her!" but so far i'm baffled at the idea that i won't be able to keep any conversation going. It'll be like: "so how come you're working HERE?"..."just earning a living"..."oh...cool...bye". Or something like that. I haven't really picked up "unknown/stranger" girls during my time. All the girls i have ever gone out with were either high-school-mates/ college fellow students. Maybe it's just how i'd react but i don't want her to see me trying to spark up a conversation and be like "oh what the **** does this guy want?"

 

Could you give me some suggestions?