SunsetRed Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I thought I had become strong and actually thought I was done with him, but now the holidays are making me weak. I'm posting on here to keep from sending him an emotional email. Please remind me of what I already know...it would be emotional suicide to call him now and during the month Dec. Besides the holidays, he and the wife he'd been separated from for 3 years, are celebrating their anniversary. Why do I need him to remind me of what he's celebrating with her? The stupid part of me thinks I'll get a few crumbs of love if I call and I'm starving, so crumbs will do... Also, I keep thinking that if I'd been a better gf, he wouldn't have wanted to go back to her. He says he's "living in the garage" and he's just a paycheck and they're not having sex. (but they're still celebrating their anniversary). So, Imust've been on horrible gf for him to give up what we had to go support a woman who makes him live in the garage. He has kids, but they are 16 and 21. Why am I worrying about being a bad gf when he's the one who lied to me and betrayed me and basically fed me BS for a year and a half? And why is it so hard to NOT call him? I'm rewarding myself with a shopping spree if I don't call him.
newpriorities Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I thought I had become strong and actually thought I was done with him, but now the holidays are making me weak. I'm posting on here to keep from sending him an emotional email. Please remind me of what I already know...it would be emotional suicide to call him now and during the month Dec. Besides the holidays, he and the wife he'd been separated from for 3 years, are celebrating their anniversary. Why do I need him to remind me of what he's celebrating with her? The stupid part of me thinks I'll get a few crumbs of love if I call and I'm starving, so crumbs will do... Also, I keep thinking that if I'd been a better gf, he wouldn't have wanted to go back to her. He says he's "living in the garage" and he's just a paycheck and they're not having sex. (but they're still celebrating their anniversary). So, Imust've been on horrible gf for him to give up what we had to go support a woman who makes him live in the garage. He has kids, but they are 16 and 21. Why am I worrying about being a bad gf when he's the one who lied to me and betrayed me and basically fed me BS for a year and a half? And why is it so hard to NOT call him? I'm rewarding myself with a shopping spree if I don't call him. Get out your credit card and start shopping! HE is the one who made this choice--why is your conclusion that therefore, you must've been a horrible girlfriend? Why put the blame on yourself? IMO, putting the blame on yourself allows you to hope that it will change. The logic goes like this: The relationship didn't work out. It's my fault. Therefore, if I fix myself, the problem goes away and the relationship will work out! Do you see this? It is so much easier to blame ourselves and keep this hope alive then to accept the harsh reality that they chose to stay in their M's. Right? And ultimately does it really matter if he is in the garage (whether true or not)? He chose this. Ahhhh the crumbs. I am so good at surviving on crumbs it's pathetic. Yes you are starving so crumbs "will do" but remember, if you only eat crumbs, you WILL starve to death over time. And it is a slow, excruciatingly painful death. I'm with you, I have been sitting in front of my computer all morning forcing myself NOT to email him. I just keep saying to myself, "What would change?" Yeah, the crumbs of "I miss you. I'm thinking about you" blah blah blah would feel good, but then I remind myself how little I am valuing myself by accepting just these crumbs Hang in there!
ItsNeverForever Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Quote: Originally Posted by SunsetRed I thought I had become strong and actually thought I was done with him, but now the holidays are making me weak. I'm posting on here to keep from sending him an emotional email. Please remind me of what I already know...it would be emotional suicide to call him now and during the month Dec. Besides the holidays, he and the wife he'd been separated from for 3 years, are celebrating their anniversary. Why do I need him to remind me of what he's celebrating with her? The stupid part of me thinks I'll get a few crumbs of love if I call and I'm starving, so crumbs will do... Also, I keep thinking that if I'd been a better gf, he wouldn't have wanted to go back to her. He says he's "living in the garage" and he's just a paycheck and they're not having sex. (but they're still celebrating their anniversary). So, Imust've been on horrible gf for him to give up what we had to go support a woman who makes him live in the garage. He has kids, but they are 16 and 21. Why am I worrying about being a bad gf when he's the one who lied to me and betrayed me and basically fed me BS for a year and a half? And why is it so hard to NOT call him? I'm rewarding myself with a shopping spree if I don't call him. Get out your credit card and start shopping! HE is the one who made this choice--why is your conclusion that therefore, you must've been a horrible girlfriend? Why put the blame on yourself? IMO, putting the blame on yourself allows you to hope that it will change. The logic goes like this: The relationship didn't work out. It's my fault. Therefore, if I fix myself, the problem goes away and the relationship will work out! Do you see this? It is so much easier to blame ourselves and keep this hope alive then to accept the harsh reality that they chose to stay in their M's. Right? And ultimately does it really matter if he is in the garage (whether true or not)? He chose this. Ahhhh the crumbs. I am so good at surviving on crumbs it's pathetic. Yes you are starving so crumbs "will do" but remember, if you only eat crumbs, you WILL starve to death over time. And it is a slow, excruciatingly painful death. I'm with you, I have been sitting in front of my computer all morning forcing myself NOT to email him. I just keep saying to myself, "What would change?" Yeah, the crumbs of "I miss you. I'm thinking about you" blah blah blah would feel good, but then I remind myself how little I am valuing myself by accepting just these crumbs Hang in there! SunsetRed, I think that maybe you are taking the blame on yourself, and finding it hard not to call him, because you love him and you just don't want to believe in your heart of hearts that he was such a lying Judas...after all, we're intelligent, grown women, right? So how on earth could we have possibly fallen for such atrocity? At least sometimes that's how I saw some of my own situations in the past. Now as far as sitting in front of the computer, super-gluing the phone to your hand, etc., I've got both of you girls beat. *SIGH* I gave in and sent my MM (who's not really a MM, but effectively his situation might as well be) a Thanksgiving text yesterday morning. He didn't hesitate to respond, and we spent a good 30 minutes texting back and forth...and of course, I got all the "i miss you"s and "i'm thinking of you"s and even a fakokta "I have my arms around you right now" or some such dumb crumb. And let me tell you what - I enjoyed the crumbs for a nanosecond, and then they tasted like pure manure when during our conversation it was implied that they were having Thanksgiving dinner together as a family - just MM, BabyMama, and Baby. *instant retching* After reading that text, all I could see was her, standing in the kitchen, "lovingly" cooking this big meal for her family...and the REST of my DAY was ruined. I had a miserable Thanksgiving, and it was ALL MY FAULT. So, do your best to BE STRONG. Know that it is NOT your fault. You can't be responsible for the choices he makes. Ever. And it has nothing to do with you or how much he does or doesn't care about you, liar or not. Just as you want what you want, he wants what he wants. And apparently, if it could possibly all be true (???really???), living in the garage, providing a paycheck, getting no sex and celebrating an anniversary with this woman who makes his life so miserable, is what he wants right now. HE is the dummy, NOT YOU. Don't reward yourself with the shopping spree, use the shopping spree as the diversion to keep you from contacting him! You never know - that new pair of boots might do you more favors than he ever could, and you'll never look back! Hey, anything's possible, right? {{{hugs}}} to you, chin up, holidays will be over before you know it and a fresh start is imminent - WE CAN DO THIS!!!
Author SunsetRed Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 Wow, thank you both so much. Both of you have given me incredible insight on my thought and feeling process. I never realized how blaming myself was a way of keeping hope alive, but you're both right..it is. I have dove into self improvement and self reflection and I am a more improved person, but now I keep hoping that God or the Universe will somehow bless me and open the door for him to come back. I'm blaming myself for being a "Bad gf" instead of remembering the way he made me feel cheap, by wanting to keep our relationship hidden even though he was separated and supposedly "working on a divorce." 2 weeks ago I thoughtI was "done" with him, but now that I'm spending the holidays single and thinking about him giving his family the love I want, it's making me feel like I do need a few crumbs thrown my way. I am going to force myself to be strong, but my weakness will come out in other ways. Retail therapy, a few glasses of wine and a day in bed feeling sorry for myself may be in my future. .....But then Jan will come anda new year with new possiblities.. If I can make it to Jan without calling I will be one helluva strong woman. Thanks so much for your support You guys are helping me so much!
shoelove Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Threads like this with honesty, support and a spirit of helpfulness make it easier for me to stay away from my MM. I hope you're out shopping right now. <<<HUGS>>>
ItsNeverForever Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Wow, thank you both so much. Both of you have given me incredible insight on my thought and feeling process. I never realized how blaming myself was a way of keeping hope alive, but you're both right..it is. I have dove into self improvement and self reflection and I am a more improved person, but now I keep hoping that God or the Universe will somehow bless me and open the door for him to come back. I'm blaming myself for being a "Bad gf" instead of remembering the way he made me feel cheap, by wanting to keep our relationship hidden even though he was separated and supposedly "working on a divorce." 2 weeks ago I thoughtI was "done" with him, but now that I'm spending the holidays single and thinking about him giving his family the love I want, it's making me feel like I do need a few crumbs thrown my way. I am going to force myself to be strong, but my weakness will come out in other ways. Retail therapy, a few glasses of wine and a day in bed feeling sorry for myself may be in my future. .....But then Jan will come anda new year with new possiblities.. If I can make it to Jan without calling I will be one helluva strong woman. Thanks so much for your support You guys are helping me so much! Yep. Mine kept our relationship hidden, but only from her. For what he thought, at at the time I actually believed, were good reasons. (I've recently discovered that to everyone else in our world he was eternally swooning over me, but that's neither here nor there, bc he's not here now, is he?) It feels AWFUL that if the situation is truly how they describe it, why not keep everything above board - I mean, if you're separated and not planning to reconcile, why can't you just tell her there's someone else and be happy? The answer to that, I think, is they are just plain not over their marriage/LTR, whatever. They can say it all they want, but there is SOMETHING keeping them there, and they don't know which they want more so it's easier just to stay with the status quo. SELFISH. I was feeling the same as you two weeks ago, but then exactly the same yesterday (Thanksgiving) when I blew it, and only ended up confirming that he was indeed enjoying with her, what I want him to be enjoying with me instead. I feel for you, I really do - I'm right there with you! Except you've lapped me already by staying strong and not giving in to contact! *hi-five* How awesome would it be if we could make it to January without caving? I'm up for it if you are - whenever we feel the urge, we can post here instead maybe? Strength in numbers!
spice4life Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Wow, thank you both so much. Both of you have given me incredible insight on my thought and feeling process. I never realized how blaming myself was a way of keeping hope alive, but you're both right..it is. I have dove into self improvement and self reflection and I am a more improved person, but now I keep hoping that God or the Universe will somehow bless me and open the door for him to come back. I'm blaming myself for being a "Bad gf" instead of remembering the way he made me feel cheap, by wanting to keep our relationship hidden even though he was separated and supposedly "working on a divorce." 2 weeks ago I thoughtI was "done" with him, but now that I'm spending the holidays single and thinking about him giving his family the love I want, it's making me feel like I do need a few crumbs thrown my way. I am going to force myself to be strong, but my weakness will come out in other ways. Retail therapy, a few glasses of wine and a day in bed feeling sorry for myself may be in my future. .....But then Jan will come anda new year with new possiblities.. If I can make it to Jan without calling I will be one helluva strong woman. Thanks so much for your support You guys are helping me so much! Awwww...(((Big Hugs))) sweety. I know it's hard, especially around this time of year, but you can do it! Just remember that the little crumbs may satisfy the moment and that is all they will do. If you cave and accept them then they will only lead to more crumbs and nothing else. I hate to even use the term "crumbs" because it makes me cringe, but in the end that ia all they are...mere crumbs. Reach inside and pull out the woman who never settled for crumbs in the past and show her to the world. Sometimes I ask myself how I let myself settle for being a "Plan B" woman when I never did before. So remember, you're a "Plan A" not a "Plan B" ever! Have fun treating yourself!
newpriorities Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Wow, thank you both so much. Both of you have given me incredible insight on my thought and feeling process. I never realized how blaming myself was a way of keeping hope alive, but you're both right..it is. I have dove into self improvement and self reflection and I am a more improved person, but now I keep hoping that God or the Universe will somehow bless me and open the door for him to come back. I'm blaming myself for being a "Bad gf" instead of remembering the way he made me feel cheap, by wanting to keep our relationship hidden even though he was separated and supposedly "working on a divorce." 2 weeks ago I thoughtI was "done" with him, but now that I'm spending the holidays single and thinking about him giving his family the love I want, it's making me feel like I do need a few crumbs thrown my way. I am going to force myself to be strong, but my weakness will come out in other ways. Retail therapy, a few glasses of wine and a day in bed feeling sorry for myself may be in my future. .....But then Jan will come anda new year with new possiblities.. If I can make it to Jan without calling I will be one helluva strong woman. Thanks so much for your support You guys are helping me so much! You already are a strong woman! Somehow we become something unrecognizable to ourselves when we let these guys have so much power over us. One thing I have learned from all these postings on LS is that it does come down to actions. Not all MM are a-holes and losers, but for whatever reason (and lord knows they have come up with some doozies!) their actions don't match their words. We spend hours analyzing, trying to understand, trying to fix it, trying to make it work etc. And in the end, we become exhausted. If his actions match his words, more power to ya and there are definitely some posters on LS for whom this has been the case. But the vast majority of us are on the other side, where we have gotten ourselves into a situation that is unhealthy for us. A partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, about life and treat you with honesty and openness at all times! When, instead, the R makes you feel worse and you're essentially grovelling for attention, how is this a good thing? My best friend lives in another country, but I used to call her regularly and tell her the pathetic lengths I went to, to try and by w/my xMM. Sometimes just saying it out loud is horrifying and humiliating!! The times I would cancel plans w friends on the off chance that he might be free to spend time w me etc. Blocking him on my cell phone felt so sad, yet so freeing. I never could call or text him anyways--always had to be him first. Ugh. Take care of yourself--pamper yourself--treat yourself well and hold your head high!
scatterd Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 His wife put him in the garage for a reason and I would not worry about what they are doing.He is not a prize hes a selfish man that thinks of his needs first.Don'T be hard on yourself and stay strong holidays are the worse time to go through this but you will feel better in time.Take care of yourself and try to stay busy. Good Luck
spice4life Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 (edited) A partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, about life and treat you with honesty and openness at all times! When, instead, the R makes you feel worse and you're essentially grovelling for attention, how is this a good thing? Hold your head high! I agree 1000% with this. Great post! These situations do leave you groveling for attention and then you end up feeling desperate and needy. Ugh! It's not a good feeling at all. The best thing to do is figure what makes you feel good, in a good way that's healthy, and go with that. Sunsetred, you were not a bad girlfriend, you were just caught up in a situation that wasn't completely finished yet, that's all. It's not your fault that he chose to stay. This happens a lot in these situations and newpriorities is right, you are in the majority...not the other way around. So don't beat yourself up. Once you decide it's time you will find a partner who is available and they will give you what you deserve. Crumbs will not even be a part of their vocabulary unless it involves cooking....lol! Look at it this way, at least now you know what to avoid at all cost in the future as many of us here have. If someone approaches you and they are not available, you will see the signs immediately...no question. Hang in there sweety and keep posting. Hang out with family and friends who truly care about to help you through as well. And just know that you are not alone in this. Edited November 26, 2010 by spice4life
spice4life Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 (edited) I wanted to add one more thing. These type of relationships never allow someone the freedom to fully explore a relationship with a person who is attached. Their mind and obligations are else where and it doesn't allow them them the freedom to focus their full attention on a relationship with another person. So you see, in reality you were never given the chance to see if the relationship was a right fit for you. It never gets past the "early stage" of development. That could also explain the "push pull" problem that exists in an A. After a while it gets exhausting. So hang in there girl! There were many other factors at play here and unless he was able to fully cut the emotional cord with his W, you were never really given the chance to prove what a fabulous girlfriend you are. so there you have it, it's not your fault at all. That is why I think if someone wants to leave a marriage it has to be for them and no one else. Hope this helps. Edited November 26, 2010 by spice4life
Pokemon Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 (((((sunsetred))))) Try telling yourself not to think of him for the next hour. Do that whenever you keep going round in circles in your head. Go out and take a walk. Go shopping! There are lots of great thanksgiving sales out there! Have some retail therapy! Go watch a comedy / movie... Last of all, keep in mind that we are all here for you too! It's been hard but it will get better, I promise! I went on NC 11 days ago and am actually feeling lighter, happier and freer today. You will get there too!
fooled once Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I thought I had become strong and actually thought I was done with him, but now the holidays are making me weak. I'm posting on here to keep from sending him an emotional email. Please remind me of what I already know...it would be emotional suicide to call him now and during the month Dec. Besides the holidays, he and the wife he'd been separated from for 3 years, are celebrating their anniversary. Why do I need him to remind me of what he's celebrating with her? The stupid part of me thinks I'll get a few crumbs of love if I call and I'm starving, so crumbs will do... Also, I keep thinking that if I'd been a better gf, he wouldn't have wanted to go back to her. He says he's "living in the garage" and he's just a paycheck and they're not having sex. (but they're still celebrating their anniversary). So, Imust've been on horrible gf for him to give up what we had to go support a woman who makes him live in the garage. He has kids, but they are 16 and 21. Why am I worrying about being a bad gf when he's the one who lied to me and betrayed me and basically fed me BS for a year and a half? And why is it so hard to NOT call him? I'm rewarding myself with a shopping spree if I don't call him. No No No No You don't need crumbs. You don't deserve crumbs. You weren't his g/f hon ((hugs)) married men don't have girlfriends, they have mistresses/other women. Just look at the word "other" woman -- as in second. As in NOT the priority. WHY would you settle for being an option when you should be a priority? Getting YOUR ego stroked will not keep you warm at night. It will not take away that he is staying because THAT IS HIS CHOICE. STAYING with his wife. Yes, the holidays may be lonely, but that is no reason to start back up with sneaking around, being alone (more than together), with the lies, with the manipulation. YOU DESERVE MORE -- repeat that! LOTS of times. Have you read this thread? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220970/ Read it. ((hugs)) You already are a strong woman! Somehow we become something unrecognizable to ourselves when we let these guys have so much power over us. One thing I have learned from all these postings on LS is that it does come down to actions. Not all MM are a-holes and losers, but for whatever reason (and lord knows they have come up with some doozies!) their actions don't match their words. We spend hours analyzing, trying to understand, trying to fix it, trying to make it work etc. And in the end, we become exhausted. If his actions match his words, more power to ya and there are definitely some posters on LS for whom this has been the case. But the vast majority of us are on the other side, where we have gotten ourselves into a situation that is unhealthy for us. A partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, about life and treat you with honesty and openness at all times! When, instead, the R makes you feel worse and you're essentially grovelling for attention, how is this a good thing? My best friend lives in another country, but I used to call her regularly and tell her the pathetic lengths I went to, to try and by w/my xMM. Sometimes just saying it out loud is horrifying and humiliating!! The times I would cancel plans w friends on the off chance that he might be free to spend time w me etc. Blocking him on my cell phone felt so sad, yet so freeing. I never could call or text him anyways--always had to be him first. Ugh. Take care of yourself--pamper yourself--treat yourself well and hold your head high! Great post!!!
MorningCoffee Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I wanted to add one more thing. These type of relationships never allow someone the freedom to fully explore a relationship with a person who is attached. Their mind and obligations are else where and it doesn't allow them them the freedom to focus their full attention on a relationship with another person. So you see, in reality you were never given the chance to see if the relationship was a right fit for you. It never gets past the "early stage" of development. I would like to second the bolded observations. Our faculties for attachment and bonding can be fully engaged in an affair (especially with meaningful physical intimacy), but the rest of our relationship intelligences are on hold, so to speak. The affair does not go through a natural arc that relationships often do before the end arrives. Maybe due to D-Day or maybe to one partner simply wanting more, suffering in pain, or other reasons, whatever, it is not a natural end. And it can have lingering effects. In my case, months after we stopped seeing each other, I had learned ('head' knowledge, anyway) in light contact of differences that would probably have surfaced if we'd been dating singles instead of me being SOM to ex-AP/MW. Those differences I think would have led me to end it anyway, as we were not a good fit for a real-life, long-term relationship. But even with this head knowledge, a simple card in the mail this week brought back some of the same sadness of the heart for the loss of her, all the same. I mean, I am not beating myself up, but really now. . . So back to NC.
Author SunsetRed Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 I read the book The Secret several years ago when it was popular and have read other books and websites on Life Abundance. I'm rereading many of these concepts and have started reading some of my positive thinking quotes. The basic concept is that if one focuses on what they can't have, all they are going to get is more situations of not having what they want. I'm trying to focus on all the blessings that I have as well. Each day I try to write down 10 things in my life I am thankful for. I've also practiced saying it outloud as well. By focusing on my blessings, I am allowing myself to be open to receive more blessings. Well, this is where I am trying to put my focus. I'm still obsessing like a crazy woman, as the holidays make me nuts anyway, but by taking it one day at a time and having somewhere else to put my thoughts, maybe I'll get thru this. Yes, honestly, I want NC and refocusing to bring him back to me, but I'm able to acknowledge that it probably won't.
Recommended Posts