My girlfriend lied about being a virgin, and I lost mine to her. Completely betrayed

[xpaperxcutx]

No they don't... Pathological and compulsive liars often lie again and again without any reason at all.

 

OP - why did you ask her so many times if she was a virgin? Did you not trust her when she responded the first time? She was probably afraid of losing you because you would've dumped her had you known she wasn't a virgin.

 

I didn't put in the equation when I wrote my response. And I don't think the OP's soon-to- be ex is one either.

[GooseChaser]

This completely broke my heart, I can't accurately describe how I feel, but it's a feeling of betrayal, anger, jealousy and just utter disappointment. I get a litteral physical pain in my stomach when I think about it. It really tears me up that she shared this bond with someone else, that someone else was inside of her, it just kills me. And then the fact that she lied to me so many times about it, hurts as well. She knew how important this was to me because I told her several times in the couple weeks before we had sex of how important this experience we were going to share was, and how important it was that she tell me if she had ever been with another guy.

 

For the past two months I have been struggling with my emotions over this, and I guess what I came here to ask is, should I just break up with her, or try to work through this? I dont know if I can trust anything she says.

Hm, so you could never consider starting a relationship with someone who hadn't been a virgin before you? Are they tainted if they had been with someone else? The fact is, that guy is gone. She is with you now. Do you think you can work through this with her?

[Toddmills]

Bob please leave this thread, your comments are not adding anything to the discussion. As to the person who claimed I lied to her, because I believe that sex is something that should be experienced in marriage, which is a view that she also feels, unfortunately it did not turn out that way, but I in no way lied to her, I did not deceive her in anyway.

 

This biggest issue for me is that, if she indeed has told me about this one experience, maybe I still would have continued dating her, but I'll never know, because she lied to me. And didn't allow me to make that decision on my own, I fell almost as though she stole my virginity.

 

Another thing I would like to point out, I have gotten over the lie, and to me that was a HUGE lie, but I still cannot get over the fact that another man has been inside her, that's a really big issue for me, it kills me. And to think that this girl, whom I may very possibly marry had been with someone else, it's just not fair. And I feel like I can't leave either, because it is not fair of me to have been with someone else before my new girlfriend/wife, and I don't ever want to have someone else feel the way I do.

[irc333]

Meh, Ya have to have a troll in every thread....I think some just like to stir the pot regardless of the actual topic....the nature of message boards makes people want to provide, as a sport, arguementative posts even for the SAKE of arguing, I guess they figure they're impressing someone when it's in the written format.

 

'Tis the nature of the beast and the message board(s) that exist on the internet in general.

 

Some tend to put on a pretty good show.

 

 

Bob please leave this thread, your comments are not adding anything to the discussion. As to the person who claimed I lied to her, because I believe that sex is something that should be experienced in marriage, which is a view that she also feels, unfortunately it did not turn out that way, but I in no way lied to her, I did not deceive her in anyway.

 

This biggest issue for me is that, if she indeed has told me about this one experience, maybe I still would have continued dating her, but I'll never know, because she lied to me. And didn't allow me to make that decision on my own, I fell almost as though she stole my virginity.

 

Another thing I would like to point out, I have gotten over the lie, and to me that was a HUGE lie, but I still cannot get over the fact that another man has been inside her, that's a really big issue for me, it kills me. And to think that this girl, whom I may very possibly marry had been with someone else, it's just not fair. And I feel like I can't leave either, because it is not fair of me to have been with someone else before my new girlfriend/wife, and I don't ever want to have someone else feel the way I do.

[Knittress]

I feel sorry for both of you. Sex is such a small thing compared to love. She lied because she was a scared young girl and she loved you. You were the first person inside her heart and that's means more than all the crappy teenage sex in the world. But you probably won't realize that OP, until she's long gone.

(PS - Have you ever read Tess of the D'Urberville's ? Maybe you should.)

Edited November 25, 2010 by Knittress

[BobSacamento]

Meh, Ya have to have a troll in every thread....I think some just like to stir the pot regardless of the actual topic....the nature of message boards makes people want to provide, as a sport, arguementative posts even for the SAKE of arguing, I guess they figure they're impressing someone when it's in the written format.

 

'Tis the nature of the beast and the message board(s) that exist on the internet in general.

 

Some tend to put on a pretty good show.

 

You must be as sick in the head as he is. Or is that not a coincidence

[Star Gazer]

Another thing I would like to point out, I have gotten over the lie, and to me that was a HUGE lie, but I still cannot get over the fact that another man has been inside her, that's a really big issue for me, it kills me. And to think that this girl, whom I may very possibly marry had been with someone else, it's just not fair. And I feel like I can't leave either, because it is not fair of me to have been with someone else before my new girlfriend/wife, and I don't ever want to have someone else feel the way I do.

 

So, basically Mad Max was wrong. It IS about the fact that she's no longer a virgin, that she has had another BOY (not a man, a BOY) inside her.

 

Can you try to mentally flip it around? Try to think about it this way: While there may have been a penis inside her, BEFORE YOU she had never MADE LOVE, or had sex with someone she loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That makes what you two experienced together so much more special than just the sexual act alone.

[lamaman3]

Perhaps one day you will want to be with another girl who thinks you are tainted simply because you had sex before...and then you will look back and understand how ridiculous you were being with this girl. Perhaps she can funds a man who really loves her instead of someone obsessed with making sure he's the only man who she will ever have sex with.

[irc333]

You must be as sick in the head as he is. Or is that not a coincidence

 

 

Well, I guess we picked up some bad habits from you.

[Green]

I have been dating a girl for one year two months, she is 18, and I am 20.

 

So you've been dating her while you were a High school graduate and she was still in High school.

 

I am an attractive guy' date=' and have had many opportunities to have sex before this relationship, but I always believed that sex is something that should be experienced only in marriage, and I still believe this. [/quote']

 

What do you mean MANY OPPORTUNITIES to have SEX? Why was this oportunity any different MULTIPLE others you turned down because of waiting for mariage? Was this the longest time you ever dated a girl, and was this infact your first REAL opportunity? (like your first gf or seriouse relationship)

 

As our relationship grew' date=' we became closer and closer to each other, and we both fell in love with each other, I honestly thought I had found the girl I was going to marry. However, as time passed, we became more and more physical with each other, and September of this year, we had sex. [/quote']

 

If your relationship grew and grew and you believe in Mariage before sex why didn't you just propose? (I just feel like you describe this as an out of body experience)(I mean the waiting for mariage people don't usualy date for years... you'd been with her for a while WHY HADN"T YOU PROPOSED?) (obviusly in hindsight its great you didn't but maybe you knew something at the time is my bet)

 

The way you say "I thoght I had found the girl I was going to marry. However as time passed, we became more and more physical" makes it sound like the fact that she allowed you to get physical with her turned your love off for her... thats cold from your perspective.

 

Prior to having sex' date=' I had asked her multiple times throughout our relationship if she had ever had sex, and every single time she would say that she had not, and that she was a virgin. [/quote']

 

So you do realize A LOT of girls LIE or get TECHNICAL with virginity. Though the fact that you asked so many times would have been really insulting to the point of getting dumped had she been telling the truth. The fact that you asked SO MANY (multiple) times shows you probably realized SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD SEX. So why didn't you listen to your gut?

 

About a week after we had sex' date=' I asked her again, she got real quiet and said that she had to tell me something, she went on to tell me that when she was 16 she had sex with her boyfriend of five months.[/quote']

 

If her story of having sex with a bf of 5 months is true he got there in less then half the time it took you. (maybe she lied and it was less the 5 months like 5 weeks and they had sex)

 

She said that they broke up shortly thereafter' date=' and that they only did it once, and that she just laid there, and that she just turned over on her side and cried afterwards because of how bad she felt about what she had done. [/quote']

 

How about when you guys did it? Did she just lay on her side and cry afterwards or did she seem to really get off and have and after glow type thing going on?

 

Sounds like the part about "broke up shortly thereafter" might repeat itself in this current relationship.

 

She said that for a year after' date=' she struggled to get over it, and that she had considered herself a virgin when we had sex. But because she lied to me about being a virgin in the first place, and don't really know if I can believe that they only had sex once,(just writing this makes my stomach hurt) or that she was just infatuated with him, as she claims, rather than in love with him. [/quote']

 

In the future realize A LOT.... I MEAN A LOT of girls CONSIDER themselves VIRGINS when they arn't really virgins at all. Like some girls will consider BJ's, Hand jobs, Anal ect. virginal behavior...

 

And as far as the distinction between love and infatuation I'm not sure that you were ever really in love with this girl... sounds more lustful

 

This completely broke my heart' date=' I can't accurately describe how I feel, but it's a feeling of betrayal, anger, jealousy and just utter disappointment. I get a litteral physical pain in my stomach when I think about it. It really tears me up that she shared this bond with someone else, that someone else was inside of her, it just kills me. [/quote']

 

See I think this is the real issue. You would have felt this way regaurdless. I personaly don't believe in only dating virgins although it is anoying to have some one pertend they didn't have sex when they did...

 

And then the fact that she lied to me so many times about it' date=' hurts as well. She knew how important this was to me because I told her several times in the couple weeks before we had sex of how important this experience we were going to share was, and how important it was that she tell me if she had ever been with another guy.[/quote']

 

I think you realized she might be lieing to you. YOu saw her motive... you obviously saw she liked you and that was her motive for lieing. Doesn't make what she did right and if it were me though I would forgive her because I would have been able to see through her lies if I loved her the way I think you could see through them but were in denial. Also I think its unhealthy that you want women to be virgins.

 

For the past two months I have been struggling with my emotions over this' date=' and I guess what I came here to ask is, should I just break up with her, or try to work through this? I dont know if I can trust anything she says. [/quote']

 

Well yiou should make a decision and go with it. If you choose to break up then after you inform her don't call or bother her or give her hope move on.

 

If you decide to forgive her and trust her then don't bring this back up or act untrusting because if you do you havn't forgiven her and you are torturing the both of you and should just break up.

 

This biggest issue for me is that, if she indeed has told me about this one experience, maybe I still would have continued dating her, but I'll never know, because she lied to me. And didn't allow me to make that decision on my own, I fell almost as though she stole my virginity.

 

No ONE STOLE YOUR VIRGINITY... You are older then her and started dating her when she was a junior or sophmore in High School. You knew very well what you were doing when you had sex before mariage and very well that she might be lieing to you . (thus why you ASKED SO MANY TIMES)

 

I understand if you feel like you wish hadn't done it and if you feel like breaking up over this but take some credit for the virginity you worked to lose.

 

Another thing I would like to point out, I have gotten over the lie, and to me that was a HUGE lie, but I still cannot get over the fact that another man has been inside her, that's a really big issue for me, it kills me.

 

This always seemed to be the big issue with you.

 

And to think that this girl, whom I may very possibly marry had been with someone else, it's just not fair. And I feel like I can't leave either, because it is not fair of me to have been with someone else before my new girlfriend/wife, and I don't ever want to have someone else feel the way I do.

 

Well lucky for you most girls find it sexy to have a man who has had prior experience. (even virgins)

 

lucky for this girl what I consider to be (better men) won't hold it against a girl if she has had prior sexual partners.

[xpaperxcutx]

Bob please leave this thread, your comments are not adding anything to the discussion. As to the person who claimed I lied to her, because I believe that sex is something that should be experienced in marriage, which is a view that she also feels, unfortunately it did not turn out that way, but I in no way lied to her, I did not deceive her in anyway.

 

This biggest issue for me is that, if she indeed has told me about this one experience, maybe I still would have continued dating her, but I'll never know, because she lied to me. And didn't allow me to make that decision on my own, I fell almost as though she stole my virginity.

 

Another thing I would like to point out, I have gotten over the lie, and to me that was a HUGE lie, but I still cannot get over the fact that another man has been inside her, that's a really big issue for me, it kills me. And to think that this girl, whom I may very possibly marry had been with someone else, it's just not fair. And I feel like I can't leave either, because it is not fair of me to have been with someone else before my new girlfriend/wife, and I don't ever want to have someone else feel the way I do.

 

That was my initial thought as well. Otherwise, there wouldn't have been a need to condemn her for not being a virgin.

 

The problem now is whether you can truly accept that she was ever with someone else. I would think anyone who loves another person to want to marry them would accept their faults. Even if she wasn't a virgin, the fact that she made " love" with you counted for something.

 

Her " virginity" doesn't define her, just as your virginity should not define you. A relationship is build on a foundation of love. If you can't look past this, then you're better off letting her find her own happineess.

[GooseChaser]

I agree that there's a lot more to life than sex and virginity. I also agree with Green's point that the GF did not steal his virginity; it was a decision that the OP made.

 

It doesn't seem to me that you care much about the feelings of your GF. How are you treating her right now? Are you ignoring her? It would sure be disheartening on her end if history repeated and she got dumped right after having sex. However, your feelings are important too. You shouldn't let this force you to stay with her if you don't see any other reasons to do that, like you know, love. If you want to be the one to love her, do that, and if you can't, free her to find someone who happily will.

[quankanne]

This biggest issue for me is that, if she indeed has told me about this one experience, maybe I still would have continued dating her, but I'll never know, because she lied to me. And didn't allow me to make that decision on my own, I fell almost as though she stole my virginity.

 

Another thing I would like to point out, I have gotten over the lie, and to me that was a HUGE lie, but I still cannot get over the fact that another man has been inside her, that's a really big issue for me, it kills me. And to think that this girl, whom I may very possibly marry had been with someone else, it's just not fair. And I feel like I can't leave either, because it is not fair of me to have been with someone else before my new girlfriend/wife, and I don't ever want to have someone else feel the way I do.

 

your responses are getting progressively disturbing – while I totally understand you being upset and disappointed, it seems like you are more concerned about dwelling on that, rather than moving forward with the relationship.

 

if she could do it over – be a virgin, not lie about not being one – would she jump at the chance? Not because it would make you happy, but because you are the person worthy of having been her first? Or would she continue to lie to you about everything in your relationship?

 

you've got to understand that at this age, she doesn't have the maturity or experience to be able to graciously handle what sounds like is her deep shame, so to lie to you in the hopes that you would never find out seems like the safer course to take. At least I'm trying to imagine that a teenage girl would find this option much more acceptable than to admit what happened before. ESPECIALLY when the prick used her and dumped her ...

 

and now you're picking up where he left off by suggesting that you stay with her only because some yet unknown woman doesn't deserve to have you, a soiled partner who had sex before you met her.

 

is this going to matter five years down the line? Ten? 50? Are you going to carry this around just so you can make yourself and her miserable over an issue that's incredibly small in the whole scheme of things? Or are vengeful enough to waste your life (and hers) by blowing this out of proportion? From the sound of it, this relationship is quickly becoming about your ego, and not what you have built with her, because if you truly cared for her, you'd find it within yourself to try to forgive her past and figure out a way to move on that heals the relationship ... not punish her for failing to live up to your expectations. Because in that sense, then you're a liar, too, for expecting her to fit into unrealistic expectations and forcing her to be someone she isn't.

 

she lied because she knew how important it was to you, and she wanted to be that for you. Either way, she was screwed going into the relationship because you choose to be inflexible.

Edited November 25, 2010 by quankanne

[Toddmills]

So you've been dating her while you were a High school graduate and she was still in High school.

 

Yes, and she has graduated, and is now in college, as well as myself

 

What do you mean MANY OPPORTUNITIES to have SEX? Why was this oportunity any different MULTIPLE others you turned down because of waiting for mariage? Was this the longest time you ever dated a girl, and was this infact your first REAL opportunity? (like your first gf or seriouse relationship)

 

Yes, this is the logest I have ever dated a girl, and no this was not the first "real" opportunity, I have had three girlfriends since the age of 16, and prior to my current girlfriend that I could easily have had sex with.

 

If your relationship grew and grew and you believe in Mariage before sex why didn't you just propose? (I just feel like you describe this as an out of body experience)(I mean the waiting for mariage people don't usualy date for years... you'd been with her for a while WHY HADN"T YOU PROPOSED?) (obviusly in hindsight its great you didn't but maybe you knew something at the time is my bet) The way you say "I thoght I had found the girl I was going to marry. However as time passed, we became more and more physical" makes it sound like the fact that she allowed you to get physical with her turned your love off for her... thats cold from your perspective.

 

The "However" was to meant to clarify on what I had said about sex before marriage, and how my actions deviated from that. It has nothing to do about losing love to her.

 

 

 

So you do realize A LOT of girls LIE or get TECHNICAL with virginity. Though the fact that you asked so many times would have been really insulting to the point of getting dumped had she been telling the truth. The fact that you asked SO MANY (multiple) times shows you probably realized SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD SEX. So why didn't you listen to your gut?

 

I wish I had listened to my gut.

 

Sounds like the part about "broke up shortly thereafter" might repeat itself in this current relationship.

 

This happened about two and a half months ago, and we're still together.

 

lucky for this girl what I consider to be (better men) won't hold it against a girl if she has had prior sexual partners.

 

That was a very classless comment

 

 

To the comment about being "inflexible", do you really believe that I'm just going to lay down and be rolled over? The fact is that I would really like to move on, and get over this, but it is really difficult, and the reason for my original post was to see how other people would react, and see what kind of advice they could give me.

Edited November 25, 2010 by Toddmills

[reservoirdog1]

She shouldn't have lied to you. Fair enough. Does that necessarily mean she can't be trusted about other things? Maybe. Maybe not. I'd be inclined towards thinking that it DOESN'T speak ill of her general level of honesty; despite a few decades of advancements, women still get slapped with labels based on whether or not they've had sex and with how many people. Lots of women, in the same situation, would tell the same lie, to avoid the inevitable judgment.

 

(It's actually not much different from lying about one's "magic number"... conventional wisdom suggests that women lie lower about that, and men lie higher.)

 

I can't tell from your post if the nature of your pre-sex inquiries was simply "are you a virgin", or if it was "are you a virgin, because I am and I want my first time to be with another virgin". If it was the former, then she probably deserves a bit of slack, as she wasn't made fully aware of how important the issue of her virginity was to you.

 

Having said all of that, it can't be overlooked that you took a bit of a crap on your own values by having sex with her outside of marriage. On the basis of your respective actions, she's a liar, and you're a hypocrite.

 

Ultimately, it's going to come down to whether or not you can let this go and move on. If you can't, break up with her. That's about it.

[Green]

To the comment about being "inflexible", do you really believe that I'm just going to lay down and be rolled over? The fact is that I would really like to move on, and get over this, but it is really difficult, and the reason for my original post was to see how other people would react, and see what kind of advice they could give me.

 

You are a man that doesn't trust his gut insticts. You knew she was probably lieing and yes with hind sight is was obviouse but you ignored it... Now your ignoring something else... something ONLY YOU know the answer to... whether or not this can work out. If you search your heart the answer will be clear. Sorry if I can't give it to you.

 

Me and you have very different opinions. For instance I wouldn't marry a girl unless I did have sex with her first. I do think its a nice thought to be a girls first and only but for me there is also comfort to being with a girl who has references and some experience.

 

Good luck, I think you already know if you can forgive and forget or if you need to move on. You did have good times with this girl so don't let the way this ended harden you. Also, virgin girls waiting for mariage will still marry a guy who isn't a virgin himself... they usualy don't treat this issue the same of men... its a real double standard that in your case should give you comfort.

[lovebitme]

It's up to you to end the relationship or not. You must decide what is acceptable to YOU. Personally I would probably give her another chance but that's just me.

 

I was planning on waiting till I was married too but lost it at 21. As far as yourself goes, now you're not a virgin and won't be for your future wife either. Just take it for what it is and move on. Beating yourself up about it or feeling cheated isn't going to help you one bit. Maybe this girl did cheat you out of something you held sacred but don't let it crush you. She might have taken your virginity but don't let her take your self worth too.

[lovebitme]

Also, virgin girls waiting for mariage will still marry a guy who isn't a virgin himself... they usualy don't treat this issue the same of men... its a real double standard that in your case should give you comfort.

 

Very true. I was engaged once to a virgin. I wasn't. She accepted it and so did her mom when she confided in her about it.

[loverofloveandstuff]

Very true. I was engaged once to a virgin. I wasn't. She accepted it and so did her mom when she confided in her about it.

 

Most of the time, guys who are virgins aren't virgins by choice anyway.

[true2010]

Mmmm... Lying is never right. I could see ending it over such a lie.

 

Although... she is young (when young we all make mistakes and learn from them). And this may be something she said to not make you upset or reject her and so she may not be a pathological liar... I dunno, from how you're taking it, it just sounds too messy now. Probably best to move on from this relationship.

[quankanne]

To the comment about being "inflexible", do you really believe that I'm just going to lay down and be rolled over? The fact is that I would really like to move on, and get over this, but it is really difficult, and the reason for my original post was to see how other people would react, and see what kind of advice they could give me.

 

anyone who has ever worked to sustain a relationship can tell you that changing your mind isn't necessarily about giving up or giving in, it's about trying to find a better way for the sake of the relationship. Because it's not just you, it's not just her, it's the both of y'all who comprise the relationship. When you rigidly cling to ideals that end up hurting that relationship, you become inflexible because you consciously decide to put yourself over the relationship. I know her lie is a crushing thing because your mind was set on a certain thing, but the reality is, she cannot undo her past. Yet you can still help repair the relationship by looking for an answer that's fair to the both of you ...

 

or maybe it's time to just walk away because you're unable to give this relationship what it needs in terms of love and forgiveness to move through challenges like this ...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Nope, the lying ruined it and she needs to be held accountable.

 

 

 

You're half right here - but HE needs to be held accountable.

 

 

This is ALL on his shoulders.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

As to the person who claimed I lied to her, because I believe that sex is something that should be experienced in marriage, which is a view that she also feels, unfortunately it did not turn out that way, but I in no way lied to her, I did not deceive her in anyway.

 

 

Now listen to this guy change his story, as if we can't see the original story both written and quoted many times over.

 

Hey, there's a real revelation:

 

 

This guy "believes that sex is something that should be experienced in marriage"...

 

Well put a mark on the wall. It is revolutionary thinking that sex should be experienced in marriage.

 

 

sex is something that should be experienced only in marriage, and I still believe this.

 

... However, as time passed, we became more and more physical with each other, and September of this year, we had sex.

 

 

You lied to her about the part where "sex is something that should be experienced ONLY in marriage"...

 

That, in turn, inspired her to lie to you about her having already experienced sex outside of marriage, JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST AS YOU HAVE NOW DONE.

 

So, were you any kind of a man, with any kind of a backbone or care to honor his own word, you would still be a virgin. Instead, you're in the same lowly classification as every other non-virgin who has never married (which further negates her lie - as it no longer allows you to see yourself as any holier-than-thou being)

 

Her motives in all this were sincere... wanting to date and be with you. Your motives have become trying to see yourself as somehow being in a better light than is she, when in factual reality you're just another lowly sinner.

 

From here on out, your choices are these:

 

Court a woman who was at least totally devoted to you at some point, and who, like you, has experienced (gasp!) premarital sex... OR sever ties from that sinner and try to somehow sew up your male hymen before LYING (again) to some far-more-deserving virginal creature as you pursue a tainted wedding night down the road somewhere.

 

At least one of those options has realistic hope...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Alas, the girl is not here claiming to be right...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

She lied because she was afraid he would judge her. It wasn't an appropriate question to begin with. The need to ask such a question screams insecurity. His true issue.

 

This is absolutely correct!

 

 

(and everybody reading this thread knows it)

 

 

 

 

 

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