xpaperxcutx Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Yeah, but you don't go around licking every cake in the store until you decide which one you want, do you? There are sample tastings, ya know?
Mad Max Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 For those that compare multi-dating to test driving a car or a job interview, cars and job interviews don't have feelings, people do. If you're going to treat me like a car, you clearly have no consideration for my feelings or me as a person. I will not under any circumstances, be someone's option. I'm either your priority or I'm moving on.
Eeyore79 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 And what if it's not bitter? What if it's okay, but you think the other can might have been better afterall? Do you refuse to try that other can, or stick with your okay can forever more? If the can you already have is okay, why do you need to go looking for a better can? Can't you just be satisfied with the perfectly adequate can you've already got? But HOW are you able to ascertain whether you want to go long term after a handful of dates? Well, I don't know that I want to go long term! All I know is that I want another date... then I decide if I want another date... and another one. I'm not committed to the guy; I'm just committed to giving him an exclusive try for as long as our dating relationship lasts, be it two weeks, two months, two years... I can dump the guy at any point and replace him with someone else. If I don't dump him, then we end up just continuing to date, and at some point we'll know each other well enough to say we're in a stable relationship. I only do this "getting to know you" process with one guy at a time though, and expect him to only be doing it with me.
EasyHeart Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 For me, I'm not sure if this is right vs. wrong issue. I just know that I usually can't stay interested in more than one woman at a time. It's fine for a few dates as I get to know them, but after 4 or 5 dates, I have a pretty good idea of whether there is LT potential or not. (Of course, sometimes I'm right and sometimes I'm wrong -- very wrong! ) It just seems unfair for me to keep dating someone (or multiple someones) when I'm really just interested in one of them. Aren't I leading on the other ones by making them think I'm more interested than I am?
thatsonlyme Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 What I'm trying to get across here is that a guy I've been around before any dating at all is getting twice the time to make an impression than a guy who I only know through dating. While, to me, dating is getting to know someone. To many guys, dating is getting a chance to have sex and MAYBE a relationship. A guy I've already been around as friends before the courting begins has already begun making an impression on me. A guy who is immediately at me for courting allows me less time to get to know them because the physical connection they seek is already on their mind. So I will be more casual initially in how I date them (via making them aware I'm multi dating) because I'm going to need more time to get to know them. So the initial dates will consist of time spent much the same way I would with the guy I just hung out with in social situations even if he is all about getting to the intimacy. He's going to have to wait despite how focused on me and me alone he is. Think about all the other threads on here about who is and isn't relationship material. There is entire lists of unwanted traits and behaviors in women for serious relationships and guys will STILL want to have sex with them regardless. A guy wanting to date me is not an unusual thing so why would I put much stock into their want to date me when that is all I know about them? I wouldn't. I'm going to need more time to get to know them. While I am getting to know them but still don't know them well enough to be intimate with - I have no reason to not accept a date from someone else. Because till I am comfortable, I consider the time we spend together just hanging out. And if I do feel comfortable enough to consider being intimate with someone - anyone I don't feel that comfortable around isn't going to be able to entice me for further dates because I'd rather be around someone I'm already comfortable with. So at that point, multi dating falls off and I see where things go with the person I'm comfortable with. But a guy who I only know through dating who believes I'm only dating him will look at the time I'm taking in getting to know him as a personal knock if he tries to get intimate and I turn him down. There I am with no one else I find interesting and yet I'm not as interested in him as he is in me simply because I don't want sex yet. Its this weird match up between sex and level of real interest guys have that had me opting for multi dating when I was still single. Like this: "I don't want a woman who (whatever and whatever) for a serious relationship but I'll screw her." It contradicts with: "we've been out 4 times and she turned me down for sex; is she just not that into me?" When his own interest in screwing some woman doesn't indicate he is really into her for something serious. Get it NOW? As long as "dating" equals "hanging out" I'm cool with that. Once you cross the line I consider it cheating.
EasyHeart Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I think "cheating" is pretty harsh. No one can "cheat" unless they've explicitly agreed to be monogamous. I don't really care if a woman wants to date other guys; that's her choice. But I'm not going to stick around for long if I perceive myself as just an option for her. It makes no sense for me to pursue someone if I don't think she's interested in me, and if she's interested in other men, then she's obviously not interested in me. So the risk for her is that I'll move on, even though I'm interested in her, because she doesn't act interested in me.
EasyHeart Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 But a guy who I only know through dating who believes I'm only dating him will look at the time I'm taking in getting to know him as a personal knock if he tries to get intimate and I turn him down. There I am with no one else I find interesting and yet I'm not as interested in him as he is in me simply because I don't want sex yet. Its this weird match up between sex and level of real interest guys have that had me opting for multi dating when I was still single.I think this is a common misconception among women -- probably perpetuated by men looking for casual sex. For me, at least, the MORE interested I am in a woman, the LESS interested I am in having sex early on. If I'm looking for a fling, I'll expect sex by date 3 or 4, because otherwise I'm wasting my time. If I'm looking for a relationship, then I'll want to get to know her for a few months before I sleep with her. I've gone so far as to tell my female friends looking for serious relationships to tell men upfront on the first date, "I never sleep with a man unless we've dated for three (or four or five or six) months". If he loses interest, you know he was just looking for a little fun. But a guy looking for a girlfriend is going to be even more interested at that point.
Recommended Posts