Why do some men think it's wrong to date around?

[Star Gazer]

If I choose one, take it home, cook one batch of sauce and find that it's way too bitter, I'm going to try a different can of tomato paste next time.

 

And what if it's not bitter? What if it's okay, but you think the other can might have been better afterall? Do you refuse to try that other can, or stick with your okay can forever more?

[sweetjasmine]

And what if it's not bitter? What if it's okay, but you think the other can might have been better afterall? Do you refuse to try that other can, or stick with your okay can forever more?

 

It's hard to keep up the analogy because when I get not-so-great tomato paste, I work around it with other ingredients, and if I decide to switch brands after years of using one, I won't leave the old one with a broken heart and hurt feelings.

 

To answer more directly, if I were dating someone and felt just 'okay' about them, I wouldn't want to continue it long term. I would end it and look for someone else. If I ended up in a relationship with someone who made me happy and who I got along with wonderfully, I'd stay long-term without worrying about having passed up Mr. Perfect who may be wandering around out there somewhere. There will always be someone out there who's smarter, wittier, sweeter, more attractive, etc., and I'd rather accept leading a happy life with someone I want to share it with even if he may be imperfect.

 

I feel like I could build a fulfilling life with a lot of different people, so I don't really worry about missing out on someone better. If I get the feeling that I'm settling or missing out, then there's something off about whatever relationship I have with that person and I'm better off moving on.

 

I guess when it comes to deciding whether to be serious with someone, I ask myself whether I can see us growing old together, sharing every day and every milestone, helping each other through difficult times, and working to create great experiences and memories. Whether I can see us raising a family and being there for each other. I don't really think, "Is this the best I can do? Is he the best I can do?"

 

I'm not sure how else to explain. The way it works for me is I go on a date with someone I'm interested in and decide if I want to keep pursuing it. I don't know, it just comes naturally to me. I don't really think about dating other people when I'm busy considering one person. It may technically be a commitment, but I don't really see it as such.

[Star Gazer]

It's hard to keep up the analogy because when I get not-so-great tomato paste, I work around it with other ingredients, and if I decide to switch brands after years of using one, I won't leave the old one with a broken heart and hurt feelings.

 

To answer more directly, if I were dating someone and felt just 'okay' about them, I wouldn't want to continue it long term. I would end it and look for someone else.

 

I guess when it comes to deciding whether to be serious with someone, I ask myself whether I can see us growing old together, sharing every day and every milestone, helping each other through difficult times, and working to create great experiences and memories. Whether I can see us raising a family and being there for each other.

 

I think we're speaking two totally different languages here. I'm not sure if it's semantics or really a different way of looking at things.

 

Broken heart, hurt feelings? Long-term? Serious? Those terms aren't involved in casual multi-dating, and shouldn't be!!

 

You say if if you go out with someone and you just feel okay about them, you don't want to continue it long term. Well, I don't think anyone wants to get involved in a long term relationship with someone they feel just okay about. But HOW are you able to ascertain whether you want to go long term after a handful of dates? Are you saying you're hit with the "I'm in love! This is gonna go the distance!" feeling after just a couple dates? Or even just one???

 

And deciding whether to be serious with someone? The same question applies. Are you seriously asking yourself "whether you can see yourself growing old together, sharing every day and every milestone, helping each other through difficult times, and working to create great experiences and memories" with someone you've been on only one or two dates with? It makes sense to ask yourself those questions when you're considering commitment, but when you're just getting to know the person? In the first couple dates? Holy dinah!

 

I just don't think you can know enough about a person to commit to them or to veto all other options after just one or two dates.

 

I'm not sure how else to explain. The way it works for me is I go on a date with someone I'm interested in and decide if I want to keep pursuing it. I don't know, it just comes naturally to me.

 

That's how I do it too. I go out with someone, and get to know they better each time I see them. Difference is, I also go out on a date with someone else, and decide if I want to keep pursuing that as well. As I get to know each person, I learn more about them, and whether we're compatible. Unless I'm truly blown away from the get go and have no other options (RARE), I don't date one man at a time. And I run FAST away from anyone who expects me to.

[sweetjasmine]

Broken heart, hurt feelings? Long-term? Serious? Those terms aren't involved in casual multi-dating, and shouldn't be!!

 

Right, I got confused by the way you phrased your response. You wrote about sticking with the okay can forever more, so I assumed you were connecting casual dating to serious relationships.

 

But HOW are you able to ascertain whether you want to go long term after a handful of dates?

 

I have, but only in a situation where I knew the person for a considerably long time prior to dating and already knew a great deal about them. Ordinarily, no way would I know after a handful of dates. Same goes for the rest about serious relationships and long-term. I wouldn't be able to decide after just a few dates. I'm not saying I would get serious with someone after just a few dates.

 

That's how I do it too. I go out with someone, and get to know they better each time I see them. Difference is, I also go out on a date with someone else, and decide if I want to keep pursuing that as well. As I get to know each person, I learn more about them, and whether we're compatible. Unless I'm truly blown away from the get go and have no other options (RARE), I don't date one man at a time. And I run FAST away from anyone who expects me to.

 

Sure, and that's what works for you. I don't see anything particularly wrong with it and I understand where you're coming from.

 

For whatever reason, I feel more comfortable sticking to one person at a time. In the past, I haven't been actively looking for a relationship, so I didn't go on dates all that often. If I felt compelled enough to go on a date with someone, I already knew them and thought there could possibly be something there. I didn't really go out with people I hardly knew. But of course, I'm an oddball.

 

What I'm basically trying to say is that I don't think it's a big deal to date one person at a time and make each decision as you get to it. Choosing to do it that way doesn't restrict your ability to find out what you want, nor does it tie you down to anyone unless you want to be tied down. It might take longer to get what you want or it might not. I don't feel committed to someone I went on three dates with just because I'm not interested in going on a date with someone else.

[SumaraiRod]

If you ask me I'm still waiting for this woman to commit to me and it's already been 6 years later.

This makes me abnormal since she's the only one I ever slept with and still won't call me her boyfriend. All she wants is FWB.

 

Previous to her, I could never get a date. It's been extremely difficult for me as I would retreat all the time. It was my fear of messing up by saying something stupid she wouldn't like or not being able to handle rejections too well.

 

I can't date around because it wouldn't be special.

[Andy_K]

I can't date around because it wouldn't be special.

 

That's a good point.

 

Do people really want to get to the anniversary of the day they met, look back on it, and think. "You were guy #3 of 6 at the time, I thought you were nice, but I was a little distracted at the time because I'd not gotten much sleep the previous night, having been given a good nailing by guy #2".

 

How romantic!

[Tim The Enchanter]

I think the choice to multi-date falls down on what kind of personality you have. I've been dating someone for the last few weeks and actually cancelled a date I had arranged with another woman, because I had such a great first date with this person. I actually didn't want to go on the date with the other person, it just didn't feel right.

 

Three dates on and I get dumped out of the blue. I'm gutted and heartbroken, and part of me thinks I should have dated the other person "just in case" I got dumped. But the truth is, I really find it hard to multidate when I really like someone. If I hit it off with someone again on the first date, I will probably cancel other dates again. It's just how I am.

[EasyHeart]

Question for the advocates of multidating: How long does it continue? Is it a perpetual state, or do you ever decide to date someone exclusively?

 

Does anyone know the origin of the concept? It's not something I ever heard of until about 10 years ago. As best I can tell, it originated as advice to anxiety-riddled women who fell madly in love on their first dates and immediately started picking out china patterns. Date lots of guys, the advice went, so that you won't start fixating on one person and will actually get to know someone before you fall "in love" with him.

 

For people who have the tendency to jump the gun and go straight from meeting someone to falling in "love" with them, I think forcing yourself to multidate may be a good option. But there are lots of us who have normal, healthy reactions to meeting someone and can handle dating someone and deciding whether or not we want to continue seeing them. And who have absolutely no problem with being single and NOT dating anyone.

 

I wonder, too, how much multidating is a creation (or symptom) of on-line dating. I don't know about the rest of you, but for me the hard part is finding even one person worth the trouble of dating. It seems to me that finding a never-ending stream of people to date means you either have to date a lot of people you really don't want to date, or you have to make dating your full-time job.

[Engadget]

Is this post serious? I won't hold anything against anyone who multidates, but I will never be a part of it or do it myself.

 

I mean, who's really going to date and feel okay that the other person is seeing 2-4 other people at the same time? Are you kidding me?

 

Date one person, you don't like them or it doesn't work out then go elsewhere. I'm not seeing someone who treats dating like they're job hunting.

 

It's fricken weird people defend this. People constantly complain about multiple sex partners, yet this is alright?

[hydorclops]

If the shopping analogy is OK, isn't a friendship analogy even better?

 

How do you find friends? Do you go on a search for a friend?

 

I think you create relationships.

 

Start with a rich social life and interact with all the people you encounter. Over time your interactions will build up. Person A will become a close friend. Person C becomes your lover. Person B remains a friendly acquaintance, and so on.

 

Unless you're really strict about gender roles and ideas of courtship, the above can work pretty well.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think that back in the "olden days," dating did not imply any kind of committed relationship. A fellow would take a fancy to a girl, and ask her out to the dance. Maybe he was late and another guy had already asked - so the fellow might try again next weekend. They all were in a "getting to know you" state of mind. Having sex was not the norm. It was DATING. I think it's still possible to do today.

[EasyHeart]

I think that back in the "olden days," dating did not imply any kind of committed relationship. A fellow would take a fancy to a girl, and ask her out to the dance. Maybe he was late and another guy had already asked - so the fellow might try again next weekend. They all were in a "getting to know you" state of mind. Having sex was not the norm. It was DATING. I think it's still possible to do today.

EXACTLY!!!

 

I don't know why people try to make things so complicated.

[Sarah1977]

I

I mean, who's really going to date and feel okay that the other person is seeing 2-4 other people at the same time?

 

A man who is confident about what he brings to the table. I think the only people who are bothered by this are the people who secretly fear that they're going to fall short.

 

I multi date. I don't sleep or even kiss most of them. But, I do it. I haven't had any men put off by this, either. But then again, I have tendency to gravitate to very confident and secure men.

 

Furthermore, a lot of the guys I'm seeing are also multi dating. I'm not intimidated about this in the least. Then again, I know I have a lot to offer and it would be a rare gem of a girl to bring more to the table than me.

 

To me, jealousy is a sign of insecurity. And both of those are deal breakers to me.

[sally4sara]

I used multi dating for guys I knew very little about. I didn't need to use it for guys I was already acquainted with through my social circle because I already had a pretty good idea of who they were when they were not just being polite and trying so hard to make the best impression (often fake behavior).

 

Waiting till you're emotionally invested in a person is the worst time begin learning who they really are. Your emotions will have you putting up with treatment that your logic would urge you to walk away from.

 

Multi dating, especially when you just beginning to get to know someone should be calculated for this very reason.

 

Think about it.

 

Guy 1: I've been around him a handful of times by running into him at parties or dinners my friends threw. I've seen him drink; its moderate and not problematic. I've seen how he interacts with others when he isn't trying to impress anyone in particular so I know his baseline behavior isn't crappy. When we talk and decide to go out I already have a pretty good idea of who he is. We go out a handful of times. He makes a move for some intimacy (as most guys will by that amount of time) and I might already feel assured enough to oblige him.

 

Guy 2: He approaches me somewhere public like the book store or similar and chats me up and asks if I'm single. Why yes I am and yes I'm free on the day he asks me to go out on. I have no emotions for this guy except that I found him attractive enough to go out with. We go out a handful of times. All of these dates are with him on his best behavior and I have no knowledge of who he is except when he is on a date with me. For all I know, he is a jerk to everyone in his life. He makes his move for some intimacy (as most guys will by this amount of time) but I still don't feel like I know enough about him.

 

Yet most guys I've dated expect you will start having sex somewhere around THREE DATES in! And they begin to question how into them you are if you don't want to oblige them at that point.

 

Yet I read over this thread, many of the LS men who are dead set against multi dating are also the ones who are highly concerned with how many past partners a woman has. It just comes off like they want Princess Anti Promiscuous to chuck her usual standards but only for them of course

[waynesworld]

This is a great thread; I've really enjoyed reading all the different perspectives.

 

I had never heard of "multi-dating" before. To me, it's just dating. I'm newly single again and I'm dating multiple women. I assume these women are dating multiple men. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called dating but a relationship.

 

I had a question though: one of the women I'm seeing tells me that she's seeing other men. For example, when we talk about what we've been up, she might mention that she went on a date Thursday night. I always assumed she was dating other men, but I'm not sure I want to know anything more specific. Is it normal for people to discuss this, especially with the advent of online dating where dates are much easier to come by?

[Engadget]

A man who is confident about what he brings to the table. I think the only people who are bothered by this are the people who secretly fear that they're going to fall short.

 

I multi date. I don't sleep or even kiss most of them. But, I do it. I haven't had any men put off by this, either. But then again, I have tendency to gravitate to very confident and secure men.

 

Furthermore, a lot of the guys I'm seeing are also multi dating. I'm not intimidated about this in the least. Then again, I know I have a lot to offer and it would be a rare gem of a girl to bring more to the table than me.

 

To me, jealousy is a sign of insecurity. And both of those are deal breakers to me.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with jealousy or insecurity, it has to do with being treated like dirt. I mean if you go on 3 first dates in the same week, thats one thing. If you're consequently carrying on with multiple people, that's just foolish.

 

You'd be making it feel like a job interview, and that just shows a lack of respect. Nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity, I just wouldn't stand for that, I think too highly of myself.

 

And women complain about men that sleep around, yet justify this? Seriously?

[thatsonlyme]

I think it takes a lot more than handful of dates to really get to know someone so I don't see how multiple dating gives any advantage at all.

Then again, if "dating" is considered going out with somebody on a platonic basis I have no problem with that. I'm not jealous and insecure, I don't mind if my girlfriend has male friends and hangs out with them when I'm not around, and I absolutely don't care how many partners she had before me.

My rule is very simple, if you kiss or sleep with another guy while you're dating me, you're either cheating or you fall under FWB category.

I'd rather be exclusive with girl who slept with 100 guys before me than a virgin who's multiple dating and making out with other people simultaneously. It just grosses me out.

 

As for analyzing somebody's behavior in a way sally4sara describes, it leaves a lot of room for error. For instance, I don't drink much and hold my liquor well, I'm a great realtionship guy all around and I would literally give my life for a person I care about, but just like everybody else I do stupid things here and there which can lead to a wrong impression. Like the other day when I got absolutely obliterated at this party and blew my chances with a girl who was really into me. I don't blame her, I didn't leave great impression in the end, but the fact is, this is second time I've done it in my life. If she lived closer and we had more time to get to know each other I know she would like me, but it's not the case.

 

Personally I like to let things happen naturally and if I meet person I'm really interested in I won't be looking for a proof that she's the right one. I don't care what she does, how much money she makes or what's her credit score. Likewise, if it matters to woman how much money I make or what's my level of education, we're not going to be a good match. I got into my last two serious relationships when I was nobody and had nothing! Both times I was going through major changes in my life and even though I had nothing to offer to offer, no financial security and no clear idea about my future, they fell in love with me for who I was and I've accomplished a lot while we were together. I really loved the fact that they loved me even though they could have had other, more successful guys.

Money and success doesn't mean anything, you can lose everything you have overnight or you can be nobody and become successful and rich overnight. I'm not a walking checklist and I don't like to be treated as such. Unfortunately it's a growing trend but I've found and easy way to weed out such women, I just don't buy them drinks or pay for the dates. If you're looking for sugar daddy then you'll have to keep looking

[thatsonlyme]

It doesn't have anything to do with jealousy or insecurity, it has to do with being treated like dirt. I mean if you go on 3 first dates in the same week, thats one thing. If you're consequently carrying on with multiple people, that's just foolish.

 

You'd be making it feel like a job interview, and that just shows a lack of respect. Nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity, I just wouldn't stand for that, I think too highly of myself.

 

And women complain about men that sleep around, yet justify this? Seriously?

 

Maybe I'm stereotyping but I tend to think that multiple daters are the insecure ones. Why in the world would somebody need external validation all the times? Are you afraid of being single?

 

Job interview approach is definitely disrespectful IMHO. what happens when you find two people who score the same on your virtual score board?

besides, job interviews are stupid anyway. Everybody lies and works hard to get a job, only later you see who that person really is. Since everybody loves job interview analogy, twice in my life I managed to get a job I was absolutely not qualified for. In one case I told them that I don't know anything about the job and other time I lied a bit. Both times I earned respect and climbed up corporate ladder very fast. That's how good I am

I'm the same when it comes to dating. I'm very spontaneous and I leave wrong impression sometimes but when it comes to commitment I'm every woman's dream! The truth is, I'd probably score very low on your checklist and you could miss out big

thankfully, there are still some spontaneous women out there so I'm not worried about finding the one.

[Sarah1977]

 

And women complain about men that sleep around, yet justify this? Seriously?

 

 

I don't have any issue whatsoever with men who sleep around. Nor women. *shrugs

[Engadget]

I guess this is why I rarely report to the dating section of this site, the people who come here have such foreign and alien opinions to my own it just confuses me.

[xpaperxcutx]

Yet most guys I've dated expect you will start having sex somewhere around THREE DATES in! And they begin to question how into them you are if you don't want to oblige them at that point.

 

Yet I read over this thread, many of the LS men who are dead set against multi dating are also the ones who are highly concerned with how many past partners a woman has. It just comes off like they want Princess Anti Promiscuous to chuck her usual standards but only for them of course

 

Can't agree more. I once had a guy asked me outright on our first meeting to have sex by the third date. He's not dating me for me, he's dating me for sex.

 

Most women don't date for sex, if they wanted sex, then we're going to have agree that it's easier to women to sleep with any men they wanted . Yet, that hardly constitutes that they do sleep around. Multidating allow both men and women to weed out the less desirable without having to jump into a relationship blind.

[xpaperxcutx]

I guess this is why I rarely report to the dating section of this site, the people who come here have such foreign and alien opinions to my own it just confuses me.

 

If you don't see eye to eye with everyone at least you can agree to disagree. Nothing wrong with mulitdating, just as there's nothing wrong with dating just one person. People act accordingly to what they feel is right. Nothing wrong with that.

[sally4sara]

I think it takes a lot more than handful of dates to really get to know someone so I don't see how multiple dating gives any advantage at all.

Then again, if "dating" is considered going out with somebody on a platonic basis I have no problem with that. I'm not jealous and insecure, I don't mind if my girlfriend has male friends and hangs out with them when I'm not around, and I absolutely don't care how many partners she had before me.

My rule is very simple, if you kiss or sleep with another guy while you're dating me, you're either cheating or you fall under FWB category.

I'd rather be exclusive with girl who slept with 100 guys before me than a virgin who's multiple dating and making out with other people simultaneously. It just grosses me out.

 

As for analyzing somebody's behavior in a way sally4sara describes, it leaves a lot of room for error. For instance, I don't drink much and hold my liquor well, I'm a great realtionship guy all around and I would literally give my life for a person I care about, but just like everybody else I do stupid things here and there which can lead to a wrong impression. Like the other day when I got absolutely obliterated at this party and blew my chances with a girl who was really into me. I don't blame her, I didn't leave great impression in the end, but the fact is, this is second time I've done it in my life. If she lived closer and we had more time to get to know each other I know she would like me, but it's not the case.

 

Personally I like to let things happen naturally and if I meet person I'm really interested in I won't be looking for a proof that she's the right one. I don't care what she does, how much money she makes or what's her credit score. Likewise, if it matters to woman how much money I make or what's my level of education, we're not going to be a good match. I got into my last two serious relationships when I was nobody and had nothing! Both times I was going through major changes in my life and even though I had nothing to offer to offer, no financial security and no clear idea about my future, they fell in love with me for who I was and I've accomplished a lot while we were together. I really loved the fact that they loved me even though they could have had other, more successful guys.

Money and success doesn't mean anything, you can lose everything you have overnight or you can be nobody and become successful and rich overnight. I'm not a walking checklist and I don't like to be treated as such. Unfortunately it's a growing trend but I've found and easy way to weed out such women, I just don't buy them drinks or pay for the dates. If you're looking for sugar daddy then you'll have to keep looking

 

What I'm trying to get across here is that a guy I've been around before any dating at all is getting twice the time to make an impression than a guy who I only know through dating. While, to me, dating is getting to know someone. To many guys, dating is getting a chance to have sex and MAYBE a relationship. A guy I've already been around as friends before the courting begins has already begun making an impression on me. A guy who is immediately at me for courting allows me less time to get to know them because the physical connection they seek is already on their mind. So I will be more casual initially in how I date them (via making them aware I'm multi dating) because I'm going to need more time to get to know them. So the initial dates will consist of time spent much the same way I would with the guy I just hung out with in social situations even if he is all about getting to the intimacy. He's going to have to wait despite how focused on me and me alone he is.

 

Think about all the other threads on here about who is and isn't relationship material. There is entire lists of unwanted traits and behaviors in women for serious relationships and guys will STILL want to have sex with them regardless. A guy wanting to date me is not an unusual thing so why would I put much stock into their want to date me when that is all I know about them?

I wouldn't. I'm going to need more time to get to know them. While I am getting to know them but still don't know them well enough to be intimate with - I have no reason to not accept a date from someone else. Because till I am comfortable, I consider the time we spend together just hanging out.

 

And if I do feel comfortable enough to consider being intimate with someone - anyone I don't feel that comfortable around isn't going to be able to entice me for further dates because I'd rather be around someone I'm already comfortable with. So at that point, multi dating falls off and I see where things go with the person I'm comfortable with.

 

But a guy who I only know through dating who believes I'm only dating him will look at the time I'm taking in getting to know him as a personal knock if he tries to get intimate and I turn him down. There I am with no one else I find interesting and yet I'm not as interested in him as he is in me simply because I don't want sex yet.

 

Its this weird match up between sex and level of real interest guys have that had me opting for multi dating when I was still single.

 

Like this:

"I don't want a woman who (whatever and whatever) for a serious relationship but I'll screw her."

It contradicts with:

"we've been out 4 times and she turned me down for sex; is she just not that into me?"

 

When his own interest in screwing some woman doesn't indicate he is really into her for something serious.

 

Get it NOW?

[Eeyore79]

I wouldn't take the very first job offered me (interview), nor would I pick the very first product off the shelf (shopping). Relationships, IMO, shouldn't be any different.

 

Yeah, but you don't go around licking every cake in the store until you decide which one you want, do you?

[Engadget]

Yeah, but you don't go around licking every cake in the store until you decide which one you want, do you?

 

Perfectly sums it up, home run, game over, the end.