Why do some men think it's wrong to date around?

[Gypsy_Soul]

The most naturally growing relationships I've had began with casual dating or multi-dating. You have options so you don't invest too fast in the wrong person so often.

Where as the people I've dated who expected (and I agreed) to give all my time to immediately always resulted in at least a few months of poorly invested time in a highly incompatible person because, being my only option at the time once I agreed to not date others, were given admittance into my life without earning it first.

 

Perfect:) I couldn't agree more!

[AverageJoe]

Why in the hell would any man go on a date with the ego thinking the date they are going out with, didnt just have sex the day before?

 

Are you guys kidding me??? Is this some false sense of security?

 

Just because a girl agrees to a date with you does not mean her sexual activities come to a halt, just because they met YOU! It also does not mean it will come to a halt on date two.

 

And if you think you are smart and ask a question such as "so are you seeing anyone else"? Odds are you just just shot yourself in the foot and left wondering why there is no date number three.

[Gypsy_Soul]

This sounds fairly normal. You put it in kind of rigid terms, which I don't get. I mean, when I'm single, I do the same thing. I date a few guys (if there are a few guys around, which there usually are) to see if any of them might have longterm potential --- I have to get to know them first to see that. And yeah, I'm like you: Someday I want to be married. So no use wasting your time with someone who wouldn't fit for that but might be fun for now since I understand what I want.

 

I've never had to explain that to men, though, or point out that I'm marriage-minded. I think if you carry yourself in a certain way, maintain a quality about your own life, and approach relationships in a serious way, most men figure that is a given.

 

I understand how it sounds rigid. I just don't believe in playing games. I'm a pretty blunt person in person. I get straight to the point, I know what I want and I don't beat around the bush. From my experience with men, they don't do too well with hints or reading clues. My approach is very straight forward and direct so that there are absolutely no misunderstandings. I'm ready, so it would be a complete waste of time if he wasn't.

 

 

Well, compatability can be anything, and they're welcome to their opinions. I think it's rude if they get argumentative. No use arguing over it. I've rarely, if ever, had that come up, honestly. How long are you dating around for? A few dates seems normal. A few months. . . okay, I'd get why they were upset.

 

I thought they were rude too. That's why I got the impression of "controlling", as if I should not be dating around, the whole attitude just changed from day to night. I usually go on a date or meet-up say coffee or a walk maybe once. If I like him enough a second or third time. By then I usually know if he's potential or not. Usually they're not:o So on to the next and there are plenty.

 

"Date around" needs to be better defined. If asked that, I'd say, "Sometimes. I'm careful about who I spend my time with, but also careful about who I focus on exclusively. I find it important to get to know a person to see whether we'd really be compatible, but I'm not interested in being strung along." Really, the reason I multi-date (when single) is because I don't want to miss a great guy because I happened to have a few dates with a jerk. Sometimes it takes a couple dates to recognize a jerk. If I'm sleeping with someone, he can be assured that he's the only one, but he has to be giving me suitable commitment and attention to deserve my exclusivity as well. Two way street.

 

Great way of putting it, I'll take note of this if I get asked about my dating practices.

 

I'd never say that to a guy. It sounds too calculating, and they won't really get it. Men don't generally understand how women lose years and years to jerks and need to protect themselves from it by developing and cultivating their judgment.

 

Well, I'm very cautious and a bit wiser in whom I date. Maybe they should start to understand. We all start somewhere.

 

Okay, all men believe (to some degree at least) that dating = sex. They find it much more difficult to separate the two.

 

Some guys are probably controlling. Some probably insecure. And others probably just put off by the way you approach explaining your position.

 

 

 

Neither does a woman; that's why it's important to be sure before you commit to a man.

I agree, thanks!

[Gypsy_Soul]

Why didnt you just ask why he had an issue with multi-dating? Is that so hard? I'd say if you didn't even consider asking him WHY he felt that way... you are lacking some seriously important relationship skills.

I did ask them all why they had a problem with women dating various men:rolleyes: I say jumping to conclusions and assumptions is a serious lack of relationship skills.

That said. It really depends on how you date. If you go on a date with me on Tuesday and you are kissing another guy on Wednesday... I don't want anything to do with you.

Who said anything about kissing? I don't kiss unless I know for sure he's the one.

Also... it shows you don't know what you want. I don't multi date because when I find a woman I like... I go with it. I don't worry about whether there is better out there. I'm not always looking at greener grass. If she fits what I'm looking for then I'm not going to worry about dating others.

 

I don't see the logic this. I know exactly what I want, he just hasn't made himself known yet, thus I date around to find him. No none have fit what I'm looking for and I know this because I know what I want:laugh: It's not about the grass is greener.

Are you insecure about this? Or just really like to shop?

I don't understand how not wanting to settle indicates to you insecurity.

[Gypsy_Soul]

It IS calculating... and has nothing to do with judgement or lost years.

 

Honestly... it isn't that hard to tell if a guy is worth it or not. He either treats you well, or he doesn't. If your attracted to him and he treats you bad... don't date him. How hard is that? Do people need Phd's to figure that out?

 

Besides... guys face the same issues. We just deal with it differently.

 

Here's one thing I agree with you about. I do not continue dating anyone who treats me bad, among other things.

[Gypsy_Soul]

She made a post about it. That should answer your question.

 

She should have asked the guy directly. I did! They're response, rude and argumentative.

 

 

 

The best way to "get to know somebody" is to date one at a time. Lets face it... if your dating 5 guys at once... it will be a struggle just to keep the names straight... let alone personal info and details.

I don't struggle at all!

[Gypsy_Soul]

GorgeousGirl, my suggestion is you say "seeing", and if they get argumentive, then stand your ground and say you're not going to commit to someone in a full RL when you just met them. Since this isn't a full on RL, neither side owes no loyalty to the other, and thus they're free to fish around until they find the right match.

 

If a guy can't handle it, then he shouldn't be dating. If he's going to make a fit because you won't commit to him right then and there, then he needs to get a clue on how dating works. In my book as long as you're not stringing people along then it's all good. If a guy can't handle that other men are after the same women he is, then perhaps he should stay home.

 

I usually get turned off anyway after they're reaction anyway. So I'm glad I didn't pursue anything with them. Zilch! I feel the same way, I owe these men nothing, I'm not married to them or committed to them. I do not string anyone along. I'm a very straight forward type of person. I don't think they should be dating at all. They seemed a bit too jealous, insecure and already possessive to me when I barely know them. Kind of gives me the heebie jeebies.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Why in the hell would any man go on a date with the ego thinking the date they are going out with, didnt just have sex the day before?

 

Are you guys kidding me??? Is this some false sense of security?

 

Just because a girl agrees to a date with you does not mean her sexual activities come to a halt, just because they met YOU! It also does not mean it will come to a halt on date two.

 

And if you think you are smart and ask a question such as "so are you seeing anyone else"? Odds are you just just shot yourself in the foot and left wondering why there is no date number three.

 

Right on Joe!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't understand how not wanting to settle indicates to you insecurity.

 

Why did you create this thread if you asked the guys directly what the issue was and they answered you? Venting about it is a valid reason... just say that's what your doing.

 

If you are not getting physical with other guys... and you can remember what I tell you, then I would not take issue with you multi-dating.

 

You should note that most women just lie about it anyways.

 

Here's one thing I agree with you about. I do not continue dating anyone who treats me bad, among other things.

 

That is a solid response! Don't take crap from a guy. Know what you want and go get it.

 

My point with multi-dating is that if you know what you want then it doesn't matter whether you date one at a time or 10... when you find it... you know.

 

Most multi-daters have no idea what they want. They are just "shopping" for the best deal. Often times this practice causes stupid choices. Like buying a shoe that is 4 sizes too big just because it's the highest quality for the price.

 

I don't struggle at all!

 

I've heard that one before... then watched her constantly mix up what I say with someone else. When I called her out on it she admitted to dating 3 other guys.

 

If I talk to a woman for a few weeks then go on a date with her... I can often tell this way if she multi dates, or if she isn't interested enough to pay attention to what I say.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Why did you create this thread if you asked the guys directly what the issue was and they answered you? Venting about it is a valid reason... just say that's what your doing.

 

Certainly not venting. I made this thread to get an understanding of why some men believe this way. I certainly didn't get a thorough understanding from the few guys when I asked. It went as far as one guy getting up and walking out lol. Only thing he did say was, he will not deal with a woman who dates more than one man.

 

If someone is getting argumentative with you why stick around anyway and keep pressing them to tell you why? I'm sorry but I will not put up with that. It's easier to try to get a broader view from different people on an online thread.

If you are not getting physical with other guys... and you can remember what I tell you, then I would not take issue with you multi-dating.

 

You should note that most women just lie about it anyways.

We can just as well say that anyone can lie about a whole lot of things while dating. I'd rather believe the person until I have a valid reason to think otherwise.

 

 

 

That is a solid response! Don't take crap from a guy. Know what you want and go get it.

 

My point with multi-dating is that if you know what you want then it doesn't matter whether you date one at a time or 10... when you find it... you know.

 

Most multi-daters have no idea what they want. They are just "shopping" for the best deal. Often times this practice causes stupid choices. Like buying a shoe that is 4 sizes too big just because it's the highest quality for the price.

 

Okay, now I get an understanding from you, at least, as to why some men don't like the idea of multi-daters. This is what I was looking for. So the women that you have experienced who multi-date are clueless lol. Well, not all of us. I certainly do not play with such serious matters as my future, and I'm sure there are many more. It really depends on the individual and I think some men should be open to not jumping to automatically judge the next woman who says she multi-dates. We're not all like that.

 

I've heard that one before... then watched her constantly mix up what I say with someone else. When I called her out on it she admitted to dating 3 other guys.

 

Interesting, I've never had that problem at all. Then again I have a great memory. Each person is different.

If I talk to a woman for a few weeks then go on a date with her... I can often tell this way if she multi dates, or if she isn't interested enough to pay attention to what I say.

 

That's great, I do the same if my date is mixing up what I tell him. I usually catch them and call them on it. It's embarrassing for them lol. I lose interest after that anyway. Who wants that?

[musemaj11]

Multi dating can be a guy's dream if he has a lot of money. Otherwise he will go broke! LOL

 

I think multi-dating in general is more beneficial for women than for men.

[musemaj11]

Not sure where OP comes from, I just learnt yesterday and in the UK, it's more common for people to date one person at a time, multi dating is considered cheating for some people. For me as a chinese I think if dating equals some talk+a meal/coffee+a walk with a person of the opposite sex I don't see why I can't do it with more than one guy at a time. Multi dating is even more common if it's online. The fact is, I could almost tell after date 1 if I want to see the guy again, say I meet guy A and I like him, want to see him again, I may agree to meet guy B, and if I don't like guy B, I'm going to keep seeing guy A and may consider guy C if he asks me out; if I also like guy B (which is very very rare for me), I'd go out with guy B again. Till the point I kiss one of the guys I'm seeing, I'd stop seeing anybody else. I wouldn't feel comfortable to kiss more than one guy at a time, not to mention anything further.

Multi-dating is some American phenomena that is not seen to such a great extent anywhere else.

[AverageJoe]

Multi dating can be a guy's dream if he has a lot of money. Otherwise he will go broke! LOL

 

A dumbass will go broke. Its simple, dont spend money on them.

[musemaj11]

A dumbass will go broke. Its simple, dont spend money on them.

Not necessarily broke. I was merely exaggerating. But a man can expect his expense to rise by the number of women he dates, unless you look like Josh Hartnett.

Edited November 25, 2010 by musemaj11

[thatsonlyme]

Multi-dating is some American phenomena that is not seen to such a great extent anywhere else.

 

Absolutely agree!

 

I just don't like this whole "shopping" mentality when it comes to dating. I don't consider myself a "merchandise" and I don't want to be compared to the others. I'm not against casual dating and multiple dating per say, but it has it's time and place and in my opinion the time is when you're single and not looking for a relationship. I'm not saying something serious could not develop even from a casual date but if I date around that means I'm not looking for anything more.

Usually I can tell what's my level of interest right away and if I'm interested in one person I have no interest in dating others. When I met my previous ex I dated 2 women in the same time (I can't see how could I possibly date more because even that was pretty exhausting, I have other things to do, you know) and even before our first kiss I was done with other two. Maybe it was a risk because I didn't know her that well but I thought she was worth the risk and never regretted for a second. I wouldn't have any chances with her if I dated multiple women at the same time.

 

My point is, we all want the best for us, but finding a partner should not be a calculated decision. There is always somebody better out there. That's why when I find someone who's good enough I simply stop looking. I believe that is the key for a serious relationship. You may disagree but just look at the divorce/break up rate now days! People leave each other because they have found someone "better". My ex left me because she found someone better. I was good enough up until then. Wrong approach to dating leads to wrong approach in relationships.

 

Also, for me sex is very important part of a serious relationship or marriage and thus dating equals sex. Not necessarily on the first date, but I like that to happen naturally. If someone sleeps with other guys while sleeping with me, she would never be considered a "relationship material". That's why I like instant exclusivity when I'm really interested in someone, that gives us a chance for something more. Basically if I was dating some of you multiple daters, and after our 10th date you figured "he's the one", it would have been too late already because I wouldn't be interested in anything serious with you. Yup, you just missed the right guy because you wanted to "shop around".

 

That's why I'm not even looking for a serious relationship right now. Actually I never did. I'll just go out and date around, I have no problem with that. eventually I'll find somebody worth my time and then all of my dates can meet up right here on LS in "breakups" part of forum .

 

When I look back, none of my serious relationships started as a "date".

[thatsonlyme]

When I look back at my previous post, I just realized that actually I'm NOT against multiple dating.

 

Maybe I'm having issues with terminology here but originally I considered dating as an attempt to learn more about a person one is INTERESTED IN. Maybe I should think about dating as of "having fun", something that doesn't lead anywhere. I just wrongly assumed that first definition is more correct because you all talk about "looking for a husband/wife".

It's funny but my serious relationships always happened when I wasn't looking for it!

[Mad Max]

Dating is not an interview or shopping around. Dating is supposed to be fun. If you're dating someone and sleeping with someone else at the same time, you're not ready for a relationship. Only a sucker would continue to put in money for dates when someone else is getting sex and not putting in a dime. One thing I noticed is many of the female posters show no empathy on this topic.

[Eeyore79]

I'm fine with multi-dating if it involves getting to know a few people platonically, just spending time with them or hanging out. If you just met someone then obviously you want to know them a bit better before you decide whether or not to have a relationship. But I have a problem when people are kissing multiple dates, or even worse, having sex with them. It seems kind of slutty and dirty; you don't even like them enough to be in an exclusive relationship, but you're prepared to let them tongue you? I don't want to be with someone who whores themselves around like that.

 

I also don't like the idea of being compared to others. I want someone to like me for me, not because I stack up as a better option than anyone else they're currently seeing. I hate being competitive, so if a person puts me in a situation where I'm competing with others for their attention then I'm likely to just walk away. Would it really kill you to put your other options on ice for a week or two while you get to know me and decide whether you want to commit to getting to know me better?

 

I would also have concerns about what they're doing with their life if they have time for more than a couple of dates per week. I barely have time to date one person and still have time for friends, family, hobbies, etc - dating two people would be stretching it, and more than that would mean I basically had no life apart from dating. It takes all of my free time to get to know just one person, so if someone was dating me and others at the same time then they wouldn't have time to date me properly, and I'd end up bailing because I didn't see them often enough.

[thatsonlyme]

I'm fine with multi-dating if it involves getting to know a few people platonically, just spending time with them or hanging out. If you just met someone then obviously you want to know them a bit better before you decide whether or not to have a relationship. But I have a problem when people are kissing multiple dates, or even worse, having sex with them. It seems kind of slutty and dirty; you don't even like them enough to be in an exclusive relationship, but you're prepared to let them tongue you? I don't want to be with someone who whores themselves around like that.

 

I also don't like the idea of being compared to others. I want someone to like me for me, not because I stack up as a better option than anyone else they're currently seeing. I hate being competitive, so if a person puts me in a situation where I'm competing with others for their attention then I'm likely to just walk away. Would it really kill you to put your other options on ice for a week or two while you get to know me and decide whether you want to commit to getting to know me better?

 

I would also have concerns about what they're doing with their life if they have time for more than a couple of dates per week. I barely have time to date one person and still have time for friends, family, hobbies, etc - dating two people would be stretching it, and more than that would mean I basically had no life apart from dating. It takes all of my free time to get to know just one person, so if someone was dating me and others at the same time then they wouldn't have time to date me properly, and I'd end up bailing because I didn't see them often enough.

 

I agree with every word you said. Platonic multi dating is fine with me, but then again I don't really consider that dating. In my opinion, and I may be wrong, dating can not be platonic. Either something is happening between two of you or something is about to happen.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, OP I think some men are just too cynical. They'd probably had a detrimental experience in the past to come to a conclusion that women who multidate are promiscous in general.

 

Whatever.

 

I personally don't think multidating is a sin, as long as everyone conducts themselves accordingly.

[Star Gazer]

Dating is not an interview or shopping around. Dating is supposed to be fun. If you're dating someone and sleeping with someone else at the same time, you're not ready for a relationship. Only a sucker would continue to put in money for dates when someone else is getting sex and not putting in a dime. One thing I noticed is many of the female posters show no empathy on this topic.

 

There is no reason to assume that if two people are dating they are also having sex. Each case is different. Dating, therefore, doesn't always equal sex.

 

Further, IMO, dating IS akin to an interview and shopping around, but it IS ALSO fun! I wouldn't take the very first job offered me (interview), nor would I pick the very first product off the shelf (shopping). Relationships, IMO, shouldn't be any different. Ya gotta find what fits you best, and without comparing, you don't know what's actually best for you.

[lino]

Multi-dating is some American phenomena that is not seen to such a great extent anywhere else.

 

It's pretty common here these days.

 

If it's cool in America, Aussies will jump on the bandwagon too

[lino]

Further, IMO, dating IS akin to an interview and shopping around, but it IS ALSO fun! I wouldn't take the very first job offered me (interview), nor would I pick the very first product off the shelf (shopping). Relationships, IMO, shouldn't be any different. Ya gotta find what fits you best, and without comparing, you don't know what's actually best for you.

 

Sorry, relationships aren't like that at all.

 

There are serious issues at play if you think finding a partner is comparable to buying a car!

[Star Gazer]

Sorry, relationships aren't like that at all.

 

There are serious issues at play if you think finding a partner is comparable to buying a car!

 

I do not have "issues."

 

But I disagree with you completely. Choosing a partner to commit to is comparable to buying a car. Both are an investment, and it would behoove you to check out more than one option, see what features come with each, what each is capable of, which meets your needs, etc., before deciding on the one and only one you want.

 

I wouldn't commit to dating only one man without going out with him a few times any sooner than I would buy a car without test driving it.

[sweetjasmine]

I wouldn't take the very first job offered me (interview), nor would I pick the very first product off the shelf (shopping). Relationships, IMO, shouldn't be any different. Ya gotta find what fits you best, and without comparing, you don't know what's actually best for you.

 

Sure, but there are different ways to go about it. I can browse different jobs and pick which ones I even apply for more carefully. I can pick up two cans of tomato paste and look back and forth at each one, comparing them, or I can pick them up one at a time and choose whichever one seems best. Just because I'm looking at one at a time doesn't mean I'm going to pick the first one I get and run with it for the rest of my life or even for a considerable period of time. If I choose one, take it home, cook one batch of sauce and find that it's way too bitter, I'm going to try a different can of tomato paste next time.

 

I've had success in looking for what fits me best by trying out one person at a time. I can still compare different experiences regardless of whether I've had them consecutively or concurrently. It's a matter of personal taste.