Why do some men think it's wrong to date around?

[Tim The Enchanter]

Don't be naive. They are commitments; and in the case of marriage, a publicly recognized commitment that involves a consolidation of finance.

 

Urgh. You call me naive. I call your analogy vulgar, cold and systematic.

 

You don't see the irony? That her telling you this about herself caused her to fail your interview?

 

She didn't fail anything, because I'm not interviewing her. Dating may be like an interview for you, but it's not for me.

[Tim The Enchanter]

Sometimes people are under such scrutiny, they're actually LOOKING for something wrong with them.

 

Precisely.

[Thierro]

Because a man in general doesn’t want to be an option.

[sally4sara]

Because a man in general doesn’t want to be an option.

 

I don't see how someone could actively enter the dating pool without some comfort level with being an option. Clearly someone is wanting to be an option or they wouldn't date. They'd have someone arrange a marriage for them without questioning who was chosen for them.

 

Any woman they approach is seen as an option. Any man a woman approaches is seen as an option.

 

Expecting all other options to immediately go away makes me thing of Disney movies or fairytale romance stories. Like something out of the "Some Enchanted Evening" song or love at first sight fantasies.

[zengirl]

I'm currently dating and talking to several men in order to get to know them. All of the men I do date and talk to I require them to be marriage minded individuals, because I'm interested in eventually getting married with the right person.

 

This sounds fairly normal. You put it in kind of rigid terms, which I don't get. I mean, when I'm single, I do the same thing. I date a few guys (if there are a few guys around, which there usually are) to see if any of them might have longterm potential --- I have to get to know them first to see that. And yeah, I'm like you: Someday I want to be married. So no use wasting your time with someone who wouldn't fit for that but might be fun for now since I understand what I want.

 

I've never had to explain that to men, though, or point out that I'm marriage-minded. I think if you carry yourself in a certain way, maintain a quality about your own life, and approach relationships in a serious way, most men figure that is a given.

 

I have had a few men upon first speaking with them ask me if I date around. I let them know that yes I do. These few men immediately responded by saying that they can't and will not deal with a woman who dates several men at the same time and they get quite argumentative.

 

Well, compatability can be anything, and they're welcome to their opinions. I think it's rude if they get argumentative. No use arguing over it. I've rarely, if ever, had that come up, honestly. How long are you dating around for? A few dates seems normal. A few months. . . okay, I'd get why they were upset.

 

"Date around" needs to be better defined. If asked that, I'd say, "Sometimes. I'm careful about who I spend my time with, but also careful about who I focus on exclusively. I find it important to get to know a person to see whether we'd really be compatible, but I'm not interested in being strung along." Really, the reason I multi-date (when single) is because I don't want to miss a great guy because I happened to have a few dates with a jerk. Sometimes it takes a couple dates to recognize a jerk. If I'm sleeping with someone, he can be assured that he's the only one, but he has to be giving me suitable commitment and attention to deserve my exclusivity as well. Two way street.

 

I have to let them know that I'm sorry they feel that way, but I refuse to settle with the first guy that I date. In order to find that one to marry eventually I have to date around and get to know the person.

 

I'd never say that to a guy. It sounds too calculating, and they won't really get it. Men don't generally understand how women lose years and years to jerks and need to protect themselves from it by developing and cultivating their judgment.

 

How these men believe dating should be, I just don't get this type of thinking. Is something wrong with these guys? To me it sounds a bit controlling.

 

What's wrong with dating a variety of like minded individuals? Do some men believe that dating = sex?

 

Okay, all men believe (to some degree at least) that dating = sex. They find it much more difficult to separate the two.

 

Some guys are probably controlling. Some probably insecure. And others probably just put off by the way you approach explaining your position.

 

Because a man in general doesn’t want to be an option.

 

Neither does a woman; that's why it's important to be sure before you commit to a man.

[Star Gazer]

I think its truly naieve and hypocritical to make negative statements about the multi dating. If you are not dating multiple people how are you supposed to find what you like? Go out once and than you are exclusive? Please. You dont hardly know anybody even after a handful of dates.

 

Why not date multiple people?

 

I think guys in general have issues dealing with the fact that if she is dating others than she may be sleeping with them.

 

But you want to sleep with her too. So what exactly is the problem. You either want to sleep with her or you dont. And if you do, you cant point the finger and say how horrible she is for sleeping with you.

 

Its that old conumdrum of the madonna/whore syndrome. You want to sleep with her but if she does sleep with you than she is a whore.

 

BTW, I dont agree with the statement that its horrible to approach dating like a job? Why not?

 

In essence it is a job but its a job at a personal level. She is scrutinizing you and you are scrutinizing her. Thats how it goes. If the two of you click and are what each other wants, its a done deal. Its just like job hunting.

 

This!! Thank you!

 

Dating should NOT be insta-commitment after ONE date!!

[irc333]

Really, the reason I multi-date (when single) is because I don't want to miss a great guy because I happened to have a few dates with a jerk.

 

You do bring up a good point, I've always been on the fence on this subject. I meet a LOT of women that don't multidate and if they find the guy they're dating is a multiadater they just call him a "player".

 

I met a lot of women that simply dont want to date more than one guy at a time, it's their policy. I try to ask them "Why put all your eggs in one basket?"

 

But they come up with how unethical it is.

[sumdude]

I don't have much issue with it as long as it's not like a full time hobby. IOW if she's going out on 4 - 5 dates a week with different guys it's pretty off putting. But once it's sexual I'm a one woman man and expect the same or it's over.

[irc333]

Don't be naive. They are commitments; and in the case of marriage, a publicly recognized commitment that involves a consolidation of finance.

 

Yeesh, man, who would even date a person that TALKS like this (much less marry them) lol

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm currently dating and talking to several men in order to get to know them. All of the men I do date and talk to I require them to be marriage minded individuals, because I'm interested in eventually getting married with the right person.

I have had a few men upon first speaking with them ask me if I date around. I let them know that yes I do. These few men immediately responded by saying that they can't and will not deal with a woman who dates several men at the same time and they get quite argumentative.

I have to let them know that I'm sorry they feel that way, but I refuse to settle with the first guy that I date. In order to find that one to marry eventually I have to date around and get to know the person.

How these men believe dating should be, I just don't get this type of thinking. Is something wrong with these guys? To me it sounds a bit controlling.

What's wrong with dating a variety of like minded individuals? Do some men believe that dating = sex?

 

Why didnt you just ask why he had an issue with multi-dating? Is that so hard? I'd say if you didn't even consider asking him WHY he felt that way... you are lacking some seriously important relationship skills.

 

That said. It really depends on how you date. If you go on a date with me on Tuesday and you are kissing another guy on Wednesday... I don't want anything to do with you.

 

Also... it shows you don't know what you want. I don't multi date because when I find a woman I like... I go with it. I don't worry about whether there is better out there. I'm not always looking at greener grass. If she fits what I'm looking for then I'm not going to worry about dating others.

 

Are you insecure about this? Or just really like to shop?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'd never say that to a guy. It sounds too calculating, and they won't really get it. Men don't generally understand how women lose years and years to jerks and need to protect themselves from it by developing and cultivating their judgment.

 

It IS calculating... and has nothing to do with judgement or lost years.

 

Honestly... it isn't that hard to tell if a guy is worth it or not. He either treats you well, or he doesn't. If your attracted to him and he treats you bad... don't date him. How hard is that? Do people need Phd's to figure that out?

 

Besides... guys face the same issues. We just deal with it differently.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why didnt you just ask why he had an issue with multi-dating? Is that so hard? I'd say if you didn't even consider asking him WHY he felt that way... you are lacking some seriously important relationship skills.

 

You sure are quick to judge a person in depth from one sentence. Perhaps the guy "getting argumentative" and seeming "controlling" with her was enough to let her know that he was NOT for her. It certainly sounds like a tremendous turn off to me. Why ask "why"? She believes in multi-dating and he abhors it. That's plenty of knowledge.

 

 

 

 

Also... it shows you don't know what you want. I don't multi date because when I find a woman I like... I go with it. I don't worry about whether there is better out there. I'm not always looking at greener grass. If she fits what I'm looking for then I'm not going to worry about dating others.

 

Um ... I think it shows that she expects to get to know a person more in depth before making a decision about whether he is or is not "what she wants."

 

Most people can't make a rational and informed decision on this based upon one contact. Maybe even you can't - aren't you divorced, yourself?

 

Are you insecure about this? Or just really like to shop?

 

Lame.

[SilentVoice]

I personally can't manage to date multiple guys at the same time. That is probably since I am no rush to meet anyone and like to take it one at a time. Believe me when I say I have no problem with multi-dating. I think it is actually a good thing. But I was talking to a find about this the other day. How do you manage it? I don't mean keep track, but how are you able to give each guy attention. How do you know who you are compatible with when you have so many options? I seriously don't know how my friends do it.

[sally4sara]

Multi dating IMO = I don't have any reason (yet) to not accept the invitation of someone I find interesting.

 

It could be a clue that you're not compatible to the person who is multi dating or you haven't shown them enough of yourself (yet) for them to feel there is enough compatibility to build on.

 

And this is where the rub comes in for some people. They fear showing more of themselves because then the rejection (if it happens) is more personal than it is if they get rejected on sight alone. More options mean the odds are higher that you might not be chosen.

 

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't already assured of the value of what they have to offer another because it will eat at them and make it even harder for them to place value on what they have to offer.

 

This "oh you must be insecure" is accurate in this way. But people respond to this negatively BECAUSE they are not secure in what they offer and don't like having others point that out. But it doesn't mean they have nothing to offer. It just means they don't care what they have to offer until someone else values it first. Once you see others value you, it is easier to recognize your own value.

 

Say I'm really great at peeling off labels. Unless someone else really needs some labels peeled off what is the value of this "talent"? I don't know. So its hard to value it myself because it doesn't get ME anything I value. Then one day I decoupage a foot locker with all the labels I peeled off and receive some compliments over it. Now this "talent" has value and I can build esteem over it. What I once didn't value or feel secure enough to call a talent, is now something I can conceive of another finding value in even if someone else thinks its dumb. And now I'm on my way to valuing myself even if no one else does.

 

Being insecure doesn't mean you suck or that you will never feel any different. And someone else calling you out on being insecure only stings while you are that way or that they are the final word of judgment on you. But perhaps multi dating isn't for newbies?

[Untouchable_Fire]

You sure are quick to judge a person in depth from one sentence. Perhaps the guy "getting argumentative" and seeming "controlling" with her was enough to let her know that he was NOT for her. It certainly sounds like a tremendous turn off to me. Why ask "why"? She believes in multi-dating and he abhors it. That's plenty of knowledge.

 

She made a post about it. That should answer your question.

 

She should have asked the guy directly.

 

Um ... I think it shows that she expects to get to know a person more in depth before making a decision about whether he is or is not "what she wants."

Most people can't make a rational and informed decision on this based upon one contact. Maybe even you can't - aren't you divorced, yourself?

 

The best way to "get to know somebody" is to date one at a time. Lets face it... if your dating 5 guys at once... it will be a struggle just to keep the names straight... let alone personal info and details.

 

What? I didn't get married on the first date. I sit down and get to know a woman one on one over the course of a week or two... several dates lots of contact. If things click... great... if not... everyone moves on.

[D-Jam]

I think it's fine to see a few people, but my definition of this is more meeting, talking, and perhaps 1-2 dates. The idea is you're meeting people and seeing who you click with the most. Some take it in the wrong direction and thus want to date multiple people for long periods. I wouldn't date a few girls for months and play this "I don't know which one I want" game.

 

Generally, I stay monogamous when I date, mostly because I put the effort on the girl I just met. I have dated multiple women at the same time, but it was more like going out 1-2 times and seeing which one is more into me. Usually one lost interest quickly and thus it was over and I put the effort on the other girl.

 

GorgeousGirl, my suggestion is you say "seeing", and if they get argumentive, then stand your ground and say you're not going to commit to someone in a full RL when you just met them. Since this isn't a full on RL, neither side owes no loyalty to the other, and thus they're free to fish around until they find the right match.

 

If a guy can't handle it, then he shouldn't be dating. If he's going to make a fit because you won't commit to him right then and there, then he needs to get a clue on how dating works. In my book as long as you're not stringing people along then it's all good. If a guy can't handle that other men are after the same women he is, then perhaps he should stay home.

[EasyHeart]

I think this is yet another one of those times when people need to define their terms in order for them to have any meaning.

 

Personally, when I'm "dating around", I'm open to going out with any woman that catches my fancy. But after a few dates (usually 2-5), I decide whether I want to continue seeing her or not. If I do decide that I want to keep seeing her, I stop dating other women to focus on her. Please note that this is not "insta-commitment"; it's the reality that if I like someone, I want to focus on her. At that point, I expect the same from her. If she is still interested in dating other men at this point, it's reasonable to assume she is not interested in me and it's in my best interest to stop seeing her. (And please note that ALL of this is before any kind of sexual contact).

 

I have no interest in dating a woman who is involved in a sexual relationship with another man, anymore than I would be looking for dates when sexually involved with a woman. If that makes me a misogynist or a Neanderthal, I can live with that. IME, women who use terms like "multi-dating" or "seeing other guys" are usually sleeping with at least one of them.

 

Also, simply as a practical matter, I often lose interest in women who are dating lots of other men simply because of the difficulty in scheduling dates. I'm pretty busy, and so are the women I typically date, and if I call to ask her out and she's not available for six weeks, then I usually give up because dating her seems futile.

 

I don't think that liking someone enough to want to focus on them is a demand for instant commitment, nor do I think people should date while sleeping with other people. I don't think this means I am seeking to subjugate women or have a Madonna/whore complex. For me, it's because (1) I don't want to date someone who isn't as interested in me as i am in her; and (2) (frankly) health concerns.

[Star Gazer]

IME, women who use terms like "multi-dating" or "seeing other guys" are usually sleeping with at least one of them.

 

I think that's a GIGANTIC misconception.

[NoLongerSad]

Obviously someone who you're not even in a relationship with, has no right to tell you that you can't see other people, if you like.

[wondergirl_6]

Not sure where OP comes from, I just learnt yesterday and in the UK, it's more common for people to date one person at a time, multi dating is considered cheating for some people. For me as a chinese I think if dating equals some talk+a meal/coffee+a walk with a person of the opposite sex I don't see why I can't do it with more than one guy at a time. Multi dating is even more common if it's online. The fact is, I could almost tell after date 1 if I want to see the guy again, say I meet guy A and I like him, want to see him again, I may agree to meet guy B, and if I don't like guy B, I'm going to keep seeing guy A and may consider guy C if he asks me out; if I also like guy B (which is very very rare for me), I'd go out with guy B again. Till the point I kiss one of the guys I'm seeing, I'd stop seeing anybody else. I wouldn't feel comfortable to kiss more than one guy at a time, not to mention anything further.

[EasyHeart]

I think that's a GIGANTIC misconception.

Are you saying that my experiences are a misconception? I'm not sure how that's possible.

 

I suppose it could be that when I ask them if they are sleeping with any other men and they say "yes", they could be lying, but I'm not sure what incentive they would have to lie about that.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Interesting, it's mostly women that tend to be turned off by dating around (in fact most women I know will only date ONE guy at a time, they just don't like juggling).

 

I get the, "I'm sorry, but I'm seeing someone and seeing how it goes" from women when I ask them out. So obviously they don't date around, even had someone tell me that they don't like to juggle guys after I asked her out

 

But some prefer to treat dating as the TV Show "Survivor", get a group of men/women, and wittle it down to 1 that you would marry.

 

People have different methods, but is this really an ethical one? I think it is ethical, in the end results would most likely be worth it. Finding someone who is really ready and compatible is what I look for. I often wonder why so many people end up divorced. From reading the separation and divorce section for almost a year after my own separation, I learned that most people married and then one person realized they weren't happy with the person they married after all, and they want to see other people. Including my own fiancée, who felt he hadn't experienced enough women in his life. I don't believe you are not committed to anyone unless otherwise agreed upon or married. I think we are all free to date whomever and however many people it takes to find that ultimate one. This does not mean casually sleeping with them either.

 

 

Chances are, these guys have their eyes set only on you, (and probably have no other prospects either), and are probably expecting you to be available for dating them personally, when they call you to ask you out on a 2nd or 3rd date.

 

If that's the case, than I'm glad I didn't' go on to date them. I expect them to have other prospects and date around. I want someone who has enough experience in dating so that they'll know when the right one comes along.

[Gypsy_Soul]

That's a horrible and calculating way of going about dating. Long term relationships and marriages are not jobs.

 

I'll take that as in meaning that I'm wise and cautious.

[Gypsy_Soul]

How did you assume they said it was wrong? From what I see, they just said they aren't interested in a girl who does that. People are entitled to their preferences, you know. Especially if they themselves do not multidate, they would probably want someone who shares the same attitude. Compatibility.

 

I didn't assume, I just didn't quote each man exactly. I just gave a general idea to convey that they disliked it. Yes one man did say he thought it was wrong. I agree, I'm definitely NOT compatible with someone who thinks that they should just date one person at a time. I'm definitely NOT obligated to be committed to these men in any way just because I am open to get to know you as a potential mate. I'm a 33 year old woman, I am not getting any younger. I don't like to waste my time on one person. Been there, done that!

[Gypsy_Soul]

I think its truly naieve and hypocritical to make negative statements about the multi dating. If you are not dating multiple people how are you supposed to find what you like? Go out once and than you are exclusive? Please. You dont hardly know anybody even after a handful of dates.

 

Why not date multiple people?

 

I think guys in general have issues dealing with the fact that if she is dating others than she may be sleeping with them.

 

But you want to sleep with her too. So what exactly is the problem. You either want to sleep with her or you dont. And if you do, you cant point the finger and say how horrible she is for sleeping with you.

 

Its that old conumdrum of the madonna/whore syndrome. You want to sleep with her but if she does sleep with you than she is a whore.

 

BTW, I dont agree with the statement that its horrible to approach dating like a job? Why not?

 

In essence it is a job but its a job at a personal level. She is scrutinizing you and you are scrutinizing her. Thats how it goes. If the two of you click and are what each other wants, its a done deal. Its just like job hunting.

 

This is exactly how I feel about this subject:)