Author Surfer203 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 debtman: Thanks my friend. I am really trying. I think I reach my breaking point, a few things set me off this weekend, so that was it. She knows where I stand now. I see some small differences already but am not sure if they will keep up. Either way, I am trying to keep doing my own thing. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I see some small differences already but am not sure if they will keep up. What kind of differences? Going to bed with you, cooked breakfast every morning, dinner on the table when you get home and total financial transparency?? Bare minimum dude! Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Well done Surfer and GOOD FOR YOU. . Follow through on this now, don't let your foot off the gas. I know how hard it must be, but even if you have to tap into a repressed anger, do it, and USE IT. Well done again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 PNP: None of that yet, this all just happened this weekend. Her attitude towards me is different. She is being way nicer and more concerned about my feelings. I am not sure if it is her just trying to smooth things over or if it is real.. it seems real this time but we will see. I have been deceived before. WN: Thanks man.. the anger has been pouring out. Maybe too much though? I am trying to find a balance and trying to use it in a constructive manner. Like.. Sunday, I fought with her from like.. 1:30 untill after midnight.. I think there comes a point where I have to STOP and I can't seem to grasp how to do that. Keep on trucking. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 It's Tuesday! If it all happened this weekend then that is 2 breakfasts you should have been served in bed with a rose and a kiss! Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 It's Tuesday! If it all happened this weekend then that is 2 breakfasts you should have been served in bed with a rose and a kiss! And a BJ to finish it off Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 I like the way you guys think. My wife mentioned that she would give me a BJ if I wanted last night.. for some reason it didn't happen though. I tried to be a bit touchy with her and I don't think that helped. haha Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Good god man.... Open wide! Say ahhhhh! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Haha I am aware of how it works man. Right now, I have no expectation for our relationship anymore.. just going to see what happens. Either way I will make it out the other end. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 PNP: None of that yet, this all just happened this weekend. Her attitude towards me is different. She is being way nicer and more concerned about my feelings. I am not sure if it is her just trying to smooth things over or if it is real.. it seems real this time but we will see. I have been deceived before. When you told her to put all of her effort into it-did you throw that out or did you outline specifics as to how she can do that? Did you give her some guidelines? She is not a mind reader sweetie. Without a clear set of what you expect-I mean how are you to measure progress??? What I would like to see is you setting some boundaries-expectations-of what you want from her. Bare minimum to stay in this marriage. I also have heard very little of what you think the two of you can do to build a new marriage. She didn't just boom up and have an affair unless she is just broken in some way (not that I'm doubting that at this point). Something led to making the marriage in the state where it was vulnerable to a problem like this. There are people who jump out and cheat for no reason-absolutely-but in reality I would imagine there are trouble signs in the majority of marriages with infidelity. She can't just jump up and make effort without a set of guidelines. And what you guys were doing in the past did not work obviously. If-and this is a big if- if she can meet your expectations and begins to start working on the marriage-assuming you can give her a map-what are you going to do as a couple to build a new marriage???? You cannot just go back to the way it was. It will not work. Not saying you did anything wrong to cause any of this. What is the reason that she gave you for her infidelity? She needs to know-and you need to know. Not some BS answer-a truthful answer. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 just going to see what happens From now on I am going to call you Mr. Passive Aggressive Dude you need to MAKE things happen, not just wait for the universe make everything right. You'll be waiting forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 Mz. Pixie.. I did establish guidlines and tell her what needs to change. One of the most important is the job hunt and budget. We went in depth.. this was an 8+ hour conversation. Lots of crap was covered. Hopefully this makes a difference. I sense a little bit of a different mood already but only time will tell. PNP: You hit the nail on the head.. I am passive aggressive, working on being more assertive. I have decided to get back in to Yoga.. which I practiced for years, kind of fell off when my wife left me. It really does calm you and balance you out.. going to do this whenever I feel stressed. Try to re-center myself and breath through the stress, anger, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I like the way you guys think. My wife mentioned that she would give me a BJ if I wanted last night.. for some reason it didn't happen though. I tried to be a bit touchy with her and I don't think that helped. hahaSurfer, I know you have a lot to learn, but at this point, you do NOT want to be touchy. SHE OWES YOU big time and your attitude needs to be PROVE TO ME WHY I SHOULD KEEP YOU. Nothing more, nothing less. No touchy. More like, come over here and prove yourself (in a respectful way, of course). Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Passive aggressiveness...is the sign of an insecure person. Work on learning to like yourself, love yourself, and be PROUD of yourself. I also sense a dislike for tension and hostility. If that's the way you operate - avoiding that at all costs - you need to work on that as well. People who avoid conflict end up getting screwed over. Time to change the scales. And this all starts with you, not her. IGNORE HER. Work on yourself. And set up a marriage counselor at the bare minimum. You two need professional help for how to maintain a real marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 turnera: By touchy.. I mean touchy feely. haha You are right, I have been lacking confidence since she left me.. it really messed me up. I used to be full of myself to a reasonable level, haha. That all faded when she left me, I am struggling to get it back. You are right about all you typed there, spot on. We do have a MC.. and are both going to IC at the moment as well. Link to post Share on other sites
bornb4thewind Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Man, I've been following you off and on for a good while. That marriage and relationship is dead and stinking. Really it has decayed and no longer stinks. Are you happy? Do you ever have a minute of peace? If you found out you were dying and only had hours to live would you be ok with where you are? I think if you honestly answer these questions you will find your path. Being uncomfortable is far better than being miserable. Step out and claim your own life. You are not honoring the privilege of the precious gift of life. What ifs are nothing but regrets in larvae form. Dont spend another minute somewhere that you are not appreciated or wanted. You are more than a meal ticket or convenience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 Thanks I appreciate that and agree with you. I would not be happy if I was on my death bed. I see what you are saying. Before any of this went down I could have died happy and that is the complete truth. Debating how to proceed. I have laid it all out there, let's see what she does chooses to do. Sink or swim. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 seems you have, once again, handed her your power. what to do, what to do... change is good! stop doing what you've been doing - since it's not looking happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 "The procedure was traumatic for her" yada yada. She also gave sex away to OM freely. I bet he didn't even have to ask. "I'm considering my options" and "I need to be with someone who sees me in a sexual way" should become part of your vocabulary. Perhaps end it with "Show me you can make me feel the way you used to baby" Not the other way around! You have taken her back after what she has done!!!! Where is her gratitude?????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 2sunny: I don't think I have handed her power really. I displayed my power by telling her how I want it to be and if she is not willing to go with out then to leave. Now I have to give her a chance to put up or shut up. It won't be instantaneous, but my fuse is short. I won't wait forever. Mz. Pixie: Funny you talk about gratitude. When she first came back I was praised as an amazing husband and person for showing so much compassion and loved towards her. Now.. not so much. I do yoga, believe in the philosophy of yoga, a lot of it is centered around gratitude. To be thankful for what you have/are given. To appreciate everything. My wife is finding happiness selfishly, through hanging out and having a good time with others. While she should be finding happiness by sharing a life with me, appreciating her life and what I do/give to her. She should find happiness by being a good wife and contributing to our home and lives on financial, emotional and spiritual levels. She is not doing any of the above. I am starting to get frazzled again.. trying to mellow myself out but the anger keeps coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I am starting to get frazzled again.. trying to mellow myself out but the anger keeps coming back. Center yourself Surfer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Trying to! I don't know she seems to be being nicer since this past weekend. She is looking for a job more intensively. She put her resume on some job sites and is going to a temp agency to see if they have anything for her to get started. At the end of the day yesterday she asked why I didn't text her all day. I am seeing small changes so far. Still, keeping on with my own plans - I am meeting a friend this weekend at the beach. Been going to the gym and doing yoga again. Feeling good! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 IMO, you should STAY angry until she proves herself or MOVES OUT! In my experience, the lack of anger is the #1 problem that betrayed spouses have. You should be mad as hell at what she has done to you, indignant beyond belief, and you should be giving her ONE MONTH to prove herself before all her crap ends up out on the lawn. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Yes stay angry. That anger is your inner MAN trying to get out! He is telling you that you're being walked all over but instead of using that anger to improve your situation, you're suppressing it with all that girly yoga stuff. Thursday now, so you should have had 4 nice cooked breakfasts dude! Small changes DO NOT CUT IT! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I agree with this too. Anger is motivation. Surfer...the one thing you've lacked this whole time is motivation to enforce change. Yoga is all about acceptance. Marital recovery is all about INSISTANCE on change...in your case, you've needed to STOP accepting her attitude/behavior/actions for a long time. Nothing wrong with yoga...don't take me wrong. But...anger is often one aspect of the body telling you that something needs to change. Use that energy to create change...rather than convincing yourself to accept changes that are harmful to your marriage and your relationship's well being. I tell people all the time to get mad...and use that mad to make change. We've seen you 'get mad' any number of times here...but you've never seemed to get that you should use that anger as a positive force for change. Your other option is to simply accept her behaviors and actions and treatment of you. Either work to actually create change...or realize that by not enforcing change, you're passively accepting her treatment of you, and embrace that. Link to post Share on other sites
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