Should i let her contact me first or should i make the contact?

[mhertz]

So my ex-girlfriend and i broke up about a month ago. We had been together for about a year and just gone long distance 3 months ago.

 

So there was this guy she helped with his english homework. She would go over to his dorm and help him for about an hour every few days. I knew she had been going over there and i knew nothing would happen because i knew i could trust her. But after about 5 days of going over there she finally said that he had been making moves on her. Like he would hold her and touch her etc. It wasn't until that he tried to kiss her and grope her (which i never even tried because i know she hates it) that she finally told me. So we both took this kind of hard. She felt terrible for letting this happen and i felt kind of betrayed. She cut all contact with the guy and removed him from facebook.

 

Now she's a music major in college so she has to do the marching band pretty much everyday, practice tons of music, and study for all of her other classes too. She also has to maintain all A's in her classes to keep her financial aid. She is also one of those persons who worries a lot about everything. So on top of all of that to worry about, she still had pretty bad family problems and she worried about me too. Not that she didn't trust me or anything.. But we barely had any time for each other. I also had marching band everyday and my own grades to keep up with.

 

Over the course of about a week or 2 she would get sick and not be able to eat or get any of her school work done because she felt so guilty. She kept trying to make things better but i had been so busy that i didn't have much time to think about it. Eventually, i had some time and i realized that she was truly sorry but i still had some back and forth feelings. One day i would be happy talking to her and maybe the next day i would be kind of mad/sad/distant.

 

So she finally said she can't keep going back with my back and forth feelings. She couldn't concentrate on anything and just spent her whole time crying and being sick. She had been trying hard to fix us but i had been way too busy and stressed to cooperate. So i told her i would make time for us and try as hard as i can to fix us again.

 

This is when she said we should break up. She said we needed time apart to concentrate on what we need to at the moment. She said she didn't need a relationship right now and that she wouldn't be looking for another one. She also said she felt more like she "had" to love me instead of wanting to. At first, i was devastated but then an hour later i agreed with her. She said if we were meant to be that we would be together again. She said she still wanted to visit me whenever she comes home and go running sometime.

 

Before all of this, we were both eachother's best friend. It's so hard to go without talking to her. We used to be so incredibly happy with each other and got along so well. We would talk all of the time and agree on everything. We never argued. We both thought we were absolutely perfect for each other and would spend forever together. But the last time we had ever spent time with or actually just talked with each other was a month before we broke up. I sent her a text a few days after we broke up just telling her i hope everything is going well and that i am praying for her. She replied with a mere "Thank you" which is unlike her. But other than that, there has been no contact at all since the break up a month ago.

 

I still feel like we could work. This was the first major thing that has happened between us.. And we both kind of freaked out about it. I don't want to throw it all away just because of this. And maybe just merely seeing each other for the first time in months will reignite some of the spark we had. Or i could be getting false hope.. But either way it would help me sleep better at night knowing that i at least tried for a second chance. I still love her and miss her but i'm also ready to move on if things shouldn't work.

 

Now that both of our schedules have calmed down and we've had time to sort out our feelings, i'm thinking about calling her. She's coming home for Thanksgiving in a few days and i wanted to see if she still wanted to hang out. Would this be a good idea or should i let her contact me?

[Scott Clifford]

You could send her an innocent message, asking if she's up to do something.

[AlisaMarie]

You could send her an innocent message, asking if she's up to do something.

 

Yes, I agree. It doesn't sound like ending the relationship is what either of you really wanted... but it had to be done for the time being. Just send a short and sweet text and ask her what she's up to. Good luck!

[mhertz]

Thanks for the replies. I think i'll send her a text tomorrow.. Hopefully all goes well. I hope that at least our friendship will be restored if she agrees to meet up. I'll be sure to post back and let you all know what happens just in case anyone is curious.

[mhertz]

So i texted her today and received a response within 10 minutes. We asked each other how we were and then i asked her if she was still coming home for thanksgiving. She said that she was and she just got back last night and then i asked her if she would be up to go to lunch or something sometime this week. She said sure and that she'll probably be able to do something later today and if not she'll let me know when she can.

 

So yeah i'm actually pretty nervous.

[Nkognito]

I don't know man, she crossed the line with the touching and feeling stuff. If he got to the point of almost kissing and groping here then she gave no indication that he crossed the barrier the first time he made an advance.

 

I dont think its a good idea to chase her because if she realized that "dorm guy" was just about between her legs and that is all then she must have acknowledge she made a mistake. I am trust worthy of people but in this aspect I think you became "fall back" guy. Out of the entire post, nobody questioned why she was getting touched? She kept going back but nothing was said that she flat out told "dorm guy" that he needed to stop and that she is seeing someone and is not interested.

 

I would be weary my friend.

[mhertz]

Well she did tell the guy to stop and that they could never work even if she wasn't seeing someone at the moment. Before i learned about what was going on, she always complained about having to go over there but she felt obliged to help him. Not to make excuses for her or anything, but it would be really unlike her to want another guy to touch her. So i don't know what to think about that.

 

Although i would love to try again with her, I'm ready to move on. I'll just play it by ear i guess haha. Hopefully we'll at least be able to be friends again.

[mhertz]

So i went to lunch with her today. We spent about two hours there and just caught up, talked, and had fun. She started complimenting and flirting with me so i did the same back.. Then we started reminiscing on old times. This is when she broke down and confessed she wishes she could be with me again. So i said that it would be ok and we could try being together again. But then she said she can't find any other happiness other than me and that she wanted to be able to find happiness within herself before being with me again. She felt bad that i was her only source of happiness. She said that spending time with me this afternoon was the first time she has really felt happy in a long time. She said that she still would not change a thing about me and that there's no other guy she would rather be with. She said that college is so hard and different and it's difficult not having me there. She still thinks about me everyday and still thinks "oh if he was here he would think/say/do this..". As we said good-bye, we hugged for a good while. I could tell neither one of us wanted to let go.

 

So now i don't know what to do. As much as i would love to wait for her and be with her again, there's still no guarantee that she will come back. Though, i am in no hurry to find another girlfriend really.. Not that i can't, it's just i really don't want to be with anyone else but her.

 

Any advice/thoughts?

[alimpo83]

Your story seems a bit like mine. My girlfriend went out with some "friends", no problem there, we had trust (guys and girls) and got drunk and they all laughed and piggyback ride each other on the street and such.No direct moves, but too much contact for my taste that helped to end our relation, because I know she felt attracted to one of those guys. Then we broke up and talked a few days ago, to have lunch too. She was thrilled that we talked, but when the day came, she didn't told me anything and we didn't have lunch. But since your ex appeared to have lunch and talked and such, I think you should try a second time. It's clear that she wants to be with you.

[mhertz]

Thanks alimpo83. She actually contacted me to see me again before she left to go back to college for a few weeks. We went around 9 o clock last night to just get some ice cream and spend some time together. We had some light conversation and some more complimenting and flirting here and there too. We both brought up a lot of our inside jokes. Then she said she felt like she should just tell me more about what was going on with her.. So she told me more about how overwhelming college is for her at the moment. How she has to start planning her career and future now and how every little thing will affect what happens. And still how much work she has been piled with. She also told me more about her family problems and how her parents are probably heading for a divorce. And then she said she feels terrible for just making me wait. She says she would understand if i would rather move on but she also said she still wants to be with me so much. I asked if she was just trying to let me down easy haha and she said absolutely not and i could tell she meant it. She feels like she has to just find her own happiness and get everything sorted out before she can be with me again. So i comforted her and told her it would all be ok etc. I told her i honestly forgive her for everything and that i will give her time for herself. This made her feel better and she said i still know how to make her feel better no matter what. Then we just started reminiscing again on old times and said how much we miss them. We talked about how great we are together and we can overcome anything together. As we were talking about this i realized we were holding hands too.. I couldn't tell which one of us initiated it but i could tell we both enjoyed it.

 

So it was finally time for me to go and we both agreed that this had to be our hardest goodbye. We hugged again for a long time.. We both wound up crying on each other's shoulder. I had such a strong urge to kiss her but i knew i shouldn't. In fact, we were in the position where our foreheads and nose touch each other's and our mouths just an inch away. I knew she could tell i wanted to kiss her and she understood that it felt like something was missing when we said good bye. So she apologized for it and i agreed that it would be better if we didn't. She told me how glad she was she was able to see me again and can't wait until she comes home in a few weeks to be able to see me again.

 

Any advice on what i could do to help her through her tough time?

[thekid55]

Thanks alimpo83. She actually contacted me to see me again before she left to go back to college for a few weeks. We went around 9 o clock last night to just get some ice cream and spend some time together. We had some light conversation and some more complimenting and flirting here and there too. We both brought up a lot of our inside jokes. Then she said she felt like she should just tell me more about what was going on with her.. So she told me more about how overwhelming college is for her at the moment. How she has to start planning her career and future now and how every little thing will affect what happens. And still how much work she has been piled with. She also told me more about her family problems and how her parents are probably heading for a divorce. And then she said she feels terrible for just making me wait. She says she would understand if i would rather move on but she also said she still wants to be with me so much. I asked if she was just trying to let me down easy haha and she said absolutely not and i could tell she meant it. She feels like she has to just find her own happiness and get everything sorted out before she can be with me again. So i comforted her and told her it would all be ok etc. I told her i honestly forgive her for everything and that i will give her time for herself. This made her feel better and she said i still know how to make her feel better no matter what. Then we just started reminiscing again on old times and said how much we miss them. We talked about how great we are together and we can overcome anything together. As we were talking about this i realized we were holding hands too.. I couldn't tell which one of us initiated it but i could tell we both enjoyed it.

 

So it was finally time for me to go and we both agreed that this had to be our hardest goodbye. We hugged again for a long time.. We both wound up crying on each other's shoulder. I had such a strong urge to kiss her but i knew i shouldn't. In fact, we were in the position where our foreheads and nose touch each other's and our mouths just an inch away. I knew she could tell i wanted to kiss her and she understood that it felt like something was missing when we said good bye. So she apologized for it and i agreed that it would be better if we didn't. She told me how glad she was she was able to see me again and can't wait until she comes home in a few weeks to be able to see me again.

 

Any advice on what i could do to help her through her tough time?

 

It's really simple: Let her come to you!

 

You are playing this perfectly! Do not push her, be her source of safety away from the stress

[mhertz]

Thanks thekid55. So we were talking about being together again and the outcome wasn't really what i had hoped. She apologized for flirting with me because she felt like she was leading me on.. And she said she wants to be just friends for now. At least until she's happy with herself and gets everything situated again. She said she's worried though that once shes does find happiness and have everything situated that she might not want me anymore.

 

So this really confused me and i really didn't know how to take it. I said that we could at least try and maybe things aren't as bad as they seem etc.. She said she wishes it was that easy but she just can't right now and just needs to be friends. She said she still isn't looking for anyone else or wants anyone else but me. She said she just can't worry about a relationship right now because there's too many other things she has to worry about (school, family, money etc.) and already has been worrying about me because she feels bad for confusing me more/leading me on and making me upset and unhappy. She said it's way too much for her. So this is where we ended our conversation for the night and we said we would talk about it later since it was getting late.

 

I sent her a text a while later because i just felt like i needed to resolve some things. Here's what it said:

 

Hey, sorry for being upset earlier. It's just that i feel like all of this is wrong and i can't fix it. And you know how i hate it when i can't fix things haha. But i can see how hard everything is for you right now and i'm really concerned. I can see where you're coming from about just want to be friends and I respect your feelings and am willing to be just friends for now. And please don't worry about me being unhappy. I know how to be happy with myself.. I hate to be one of the things to add to your stress.. And i don't want to make everything any worse for you. I wish that i could be one of the things to help you through it all instead.

 

So am i doing everything right? Anything i could do to help? Hope this all made sense and i didn't forget anything haha

Edited December 4, 2010 by mhertz

[mhertz]

How should i go about being friends with her now?

 

We still both love each other.. Over the pass week or so we would text each other and talk on the phone everyday. We both initiated it and wanted to talk to each other. But it's just hard trying to be just friends with someone who you love and loves you. Maybe i should just leave it up to her to make the contact for a while. Though i probably shouldn't expect much anyway because these next two weeks are busy for the both of us. She comes home after her finals and we had already made plans together for Christmas.

 

The thing that has been bothering me though is that she said she worries that after she does find happiness within herself and gets everything sorted out that i might not fit in her life like i did before. She said she would love to be with me again but she just can't promise things. She says she has no clue what will happen and how long it will take for everything to be right with herself. We've both dated plenty of people and we both honestly agreed that we've never felt anything or had anything like what we shared with each other before. But there's still no guarantee she will come back..

 

Should i pull the "if you don't want all of me then you can't have any of me" thing? Though it might cause her more stress with her and she doesn't need that. Or should i continue to talk to her but just focus more on being fun and outgoing? I've noticed that after we talk for a while i start asking about "us" and it will bring us both down. She has an entire month off after she comes home from college and we'll be able to physically see each other again. Hopefully it will give her a break from her stress and give her a chance to think about me.

[suddendumpee]

"We still both love each other"

 

Bro, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this unfortunately is not the case. There is no doubt in my mind that you love this girl, but you must accept the fact that she does not love you and move on. When two people love each other, they will be together. Simple as that. No distance will stand between true love.

 

I believe that she may be in love with the love and attention you provide her, but she is not in love with you. As long at you keep contact with her, this will remain the status quo. I don't believe she is intentionally using you, but you are setting yourself up for disaster. You must cut her off completely if you ever expect to get her back and make things stronger.

 

As things are now, you are simply making the transition to a new BF for her much easier. She has all the benefits of being in a relationship without being in one. She is not having to deal with the lonliness and separation anxiety. As soon as a new guy comes along, you will no longer be needed. Stop contact now. Trust me,

[mhertz]

"We still both love each other"

 

Bro, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this unfortunately is not the case. There is no doubt in my mind that you love this girl, but you must accept the fact that she does not love you and move on. When two people love each other, they will be together. Simple as that. No distance will stand between true love.

 

I believe that she may be in love with the love and attention you provide her, but she is not in love with you. As long at you keep contact with her, this will remain the status quo. I don't believe she is intentionally using you, but you are setting yourself up for disaster. You must cut her off completely if you ever expect to get her back and make things stronger.

 

As things are now, you are simply making the transition to a new BF for her much easier. She has all the benefits of being in a relationship without being in one. She is not having to deal with the lonliness and separation anxiety. As soon as a new guy comes along, you will no longer be needed. Stop contact now. Trust me,

 

I see.. But even when she says she isn't looking for at all or wants to be with anyone else but me?

 

Perhaps everything is truly bad timing for everything like she said. Maybe she really does need time for herself.. I mean i understand that school could take priority over everything. Especially if she does have to keep all A's to even stay in school with her financial aide. She has enough stress as it is and a long distance relationship is such a great addition to it. Plus what was going on with the both of us before the break up made it so much worse.

 

Or maybe you're right.

 

I do agree with you about if the two people were truly in love with each other then they would simply be together.. But then again i'm not sure that's the case here. I've thought about this through plenty of times so i'm just not in some crazy denial haha. And it's not that i can't accept that she's not in love with me either.

 

You do make a good point, however, about her having all the benefits of being in a relationship without being one. So nevertheless, i will cut back the contact to an extent. I still want to be there for her when everything is hard for her and she really needs someone to talk to..

 

Thanks for the post. I love to here everyone else's different interpretation and advice.

[suddendumpee]

I see.. But even when she says she isn't looking for at all or wants to be with anyone else but me?

 

Actions speak louder than words my friend. If this were true, she would be with you. She knows what to say to keep you around, and you are proving to her that you are not the strong man who can provide for her but putting up with this BS.

 

I've had 2 girls tell me they "needed space". I thought I knew both of them pretty well (I dated 1 for 6 years and owned a house with her). Both of them had new guys within 3 weeks. I'm also sure they had these guys "on-deck" long before the breakup.

 

Girls usually don't end a serious relationship without AT LEAST a prospect on deck. Especially one where the 2 people are supposedly in love....

 

 

Perhaps everything is truly bad timing for everything like she said.

 

Ahh yes, the bad timing excuse...right person, wrong time... Which simply translates to she has found someone who is good for her FOR NOW (someone local, probably a "bad guy" who can be light and fun and spontaneous) but wants to keep you on a leash just in case this doesn't work out as planned.

 

 

Maybe she really does need time for herself.. I mean i understand that school could take priority over everything. Especially if she does have to keep all A's to even stay in school with her financial aide.

 

Does she think you are going to go over there and pull her hair and give her noogies while she's trying to study? Next time she calls you to talk, just tell her "I can't talk. School should be your priority for now. Can you call me after graduation?"

 

 

I've thought about this through plenty of times so i'm just not in some crazy denial haha.

 

Maybe not crazy denial, but denial nonetheless. Don't worry man, I've been there. One day, you'll look back at your post here and wonder why you didn't handle this differently.

 

 

I still want to be there for her when everything is hard for her and she really needs someone to talk to..

 

You need to stop lying to yourself here. You are not talking to her FOR HER, you're doing it for yourself. Nobody does anything for someone else. We are all selfish. You want to talk to her because YOU don't want to lose her. You want to be there for her because it makes YOU feel good.

 

You have become her whipping boy, and as long as you act that way, you are dooming any future with her. You are training her that you will always be there for her, and this IS NOT a good thing. You are lowering your value as a man in her eyes. You are putting her on a pedistal where she can only look down on you. I'm speaking from experience here. If you think you are doing the right thing to show her how much you care, you are WRONG. The best thing you can do in these cases is to prove to her that you care more about yourself than her, and you won't put up with this ****. Stand up for yourself.

 

 

Thanks for the post. I love to here everyone else's different interpretation and advice.

 

Your welcome. I hope you follow it. I know I wish I would have....

[dk.bnz.chi]

i just wanna ask a stupid question. do u think that she may cheat on u or leave in a spam of 2 years? just say yes/no

[mhertz]

i just wanna ask a stupid question. do u think that she may cheat on u or leave in a spam of 2 years? just say yes/no

 

Not really sure.. But i would lean more towards no if we could get everything back on track.

 

And suddendumpee..

 

Thanks again. I slept on what you said and thought about it more. And realized i probably am lying to myself about most of it. Your new post only confirmed it. I really am just putting her up on the pedestal so she can just look down on me. Maybe i should just leave her life for a while and make her realize what she is doing.

 

I really did my best to give her nothing less than perfectness through out the relationship. I never yelled, i would always make time for her, i would do romantic things she loved, truly cared about everything she said, always 100% loyal, never really did anything horribly wrong etc. I shouldn't be the one begging for her back anyway since she was the one that did wrong in the first place. I even forgave her for what she did.. She needs to realize what she's losing and what she took for granted. I don't mean to sound conceited but i really gave it my all for her. And for a while she gave it her all for me. I really have better things to do then sit around and wait for a girl who takes me for granted and won't put as much effort in to the relationship as i do. If she truly loves me, she would want me back no matter what. She would make things work for us.

 

The guys i see her talk to or hear her talk about seem really low or just want sex (and we both shared the same view about waiting til marriage anyway). Those people are really not her type at all.. But whatever. People who take me for granted aren't my type. Maybe leaving her life for a while will make her realize all that she is losing and make her not take me for granted anymore. I'm not expecting her to come running back though. But i am expecting to see either way how she really feels about me and if she feels i'm worth putting in the extra effort for.

 

Thanks again for opening my eyes

[fiat500]

mhertz, you sound like a great guy. I wish my ex had been like you.

[suddendumpee]

I remember when my ex said i was everything she was looking for in a guy. I did everything right in my mind, just as you thought you did. Never played games. Never held back feelings. Confided in her. Was always there for her. Sent her romantic gifts. This list goes on and on.

 

I can take solace in that i put my all into this one, and she left ultimately because she wasn't ready for serious commitment. Funny thing is that she was ready to marry the guy before me...that guy that supposedly paled in comparison to the way i treated and loved her.

 

My lesson is that you can love somebody too much, and unfortunately games must be played to keep someone interested. Women always say they want a nice guy who adores them, but in the end they get bored quickly and will move un to something more challenging.

 

From this point forward, go girl will be placed on a pedestal. 50/50 from this point forward or im out as quickly as it began. Read my story here. Would love some additional input

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255195/

[mhertz]

mhertz, you sound like a great guy. I wish my ex had been like you.

 

Haha thank you. I wish the best for your situation.

 

I remember when my ex said i was everything she was looking for in a guy. I did everything right in my mind, just as you thought you did. Never played games. Never held back feelings. Confided in her. Was always there for her. Sent her romantic gifts. This list goes on and on.

 

I can take solace in that i put my all into this one, and she left ultimately because she wasn't ready for serious commitment. Funny thing is that she was ready to marry the guy before me...that guy that supposedly paled in comparison to the way i treated and loved her.

 

My lesson is that you can love somebody too much, and unfortunately games must be played to keep someone interested. Women always say they want a nice guy who adores them, but in the end they get bored quickly and will move un to something more challenging.

 

From this point forward, go girl will be placed on a pedestal. 50/50 from this point forward or im out as quickly as it began. Read my story here. Would love some additional input

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255195/

 

Thanks again for the input. I added some input to your thread as well.

 

Honestly as much as i read those two bolded sentences, they made no sense to me haha. But the rest was great info. I read more about your situation and it made me think some more.. Should i be there for my ex since she is going through a hard time? Yours didn't seem to be going through a tough time; just a party phase. What if she gets upset that i'm not there for her in her time of need? Or would not talking to her through her time of need make her realize how much she really needs me?

[suddendumpee]

Should have read "no girl will be placed on a pedestal". And by 50/50 I meant I will no longer do all the work. The other person in the relationship should be putting just as much effort into it as you are. If you find yourself doing most of the work, it's a bad sign.

 

They say "the person who loves the most has the least amount of power in the relationship" and "never make someone a priority who only makes you an option". I will live by these truths from now on.

 

The other thing that i find true is "if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, you have them forever. If they dont, you never had them to begin with".

 

You need to go nc as hard as it seems. She's trying to get your sympathy so that she can string you along. This proves she has little respect for you. You need to tell her that you love her but you can't do the friend thing. Tell her you need to be alone with no contact for a month to sort things out and try to move on. Tell her she is welcome to call you after 30 days if she decides that she wants to get back together, but nothing else. In that 30 days you have to stay strong. If she breaks nc, just kindly remind her that you need time alone. If she gives up and doesn't respect your wishes, or doesn't call after 30 days with serious plans to reconcile, then she didn't love you. Consider it a dodger bullet as you deserve to be with someone who respects and treats you as a equal, not as a standby. Good luck.