Yes, I know I am a fool & making all the wrong moves, how do I stop myself though?

[newcommer]

Meanon:

 

Your right, I know beyond shadow of a doubt I need to cope alone. Knowing this and living with it are two seperate things! I know that M is feeling that I am the one who is at fault. I understand this. I understand he feels I was being too "Deep" and "Too irrational" and all the other things he said. Although he was 15 years older than me, he was not mature enough or experienced enough to work out our difficulties. The difficulties were minor, but for me they were important and critical to my well being in the relationship. We had no serious problems, just What Jenny had written March 13th. She said that M told me he woul lkike to sort out his mny life problems and changed the nature of our relationship to a causual one. Due to the lack of compromising, I became not only unhappy, but fearful I was losing everything I cherished so very much. As she wrote, I am now left to face myself and due to my lack of confidence and all that has been so negative in my past, this is more painful than I can put words to. I know this is an unhealthy way to be.

 

I just have such a tremendous amount of difficulty understanding why he could not see my pain as he has always seen my pain and work with me rather than pull away. He refused to answer this saying he did not have the answers. This alone hurt me because, he was the one orchestrating this mess. How coud he not have the answers? I thought we had something stronger than this ..but I guess too many words were said and too many half threats on my part to leave that he knew I could not go through with and always laughed about how I could not do it. He knows me, yet he opted to make it hurt and not fix it. He opted to even compare me to his ex-wife whom he hates and is always talking down to and yelling at. I am not totally alone. I have LS and I have G and I have my co-workers, but I have this horrible pit in my stomach saying, "You fool, did you honestly think anyone could love you"?

 

Maybe the questions I should be asking on this site are not what do I do, how cn I cope, but why is it so difficult for me to meet decent men who I don't feel are sexual predetors. Men who like me, but are not going to push me in uncomfortable ways. Men who want to travel men who want to go out, men who want a partnership. Partnership meaning a person on this earth how will stand by them and they will stand by and together they can accomplish great goals. I honestly run into nothing but losers. So I stick with what I have which is why I had my relationships for years. But they have all been unhappy ones because they all lacked love, committment and compatibility in what we wanted in the end. I don't know where to find such a relationship. I guess I hang onto what I know is no good knowing it is better than having nothing and better than being alone. I guess I put up with the pain as I do living with my parents, so that I can at least have the satisfaction of having a partnership. No that is the wrong word because that is what I want. I put up with it so I at least have the satisfaction of having bits and peices of happiness.

 

I want to change. I am so afraid that I can't and more afraid I will never meet anyone capable of loving me. For although I am lovable, after a few months the guy suddenly sees how "Weird" I am and how different I approach life and loses his fascination and begins his control. The men in my life love controling me, and because I do not roll over and shut up, they say I am trying to control them. I am not, I am simply trying to stop them from making a situation too difficult to bare. Like M. He made this too difficult for me to bare. Some other woman would have bared it. I was unable to, so I spoke out and fought to change it, while also giving him space. But this has been going on since October. I needed him to change things because they were getting worst. He said I pressured him. But he kept sabatoging all †hat was valued by me in our relationship. Why could he not understand the affect it had on me? I don't see why he had to be so stubborn. But I am the loser because I played russian rulette hoping that if I said, if this does not change I must walk way. He knew I bluffed. He knew, it was the anger in me and so he never changed. Then when it got to be too much for me, and I was at my wits ends, instead of meeting me on a compromise he now refuses to talk to me. He prefered to wound me more rther than fight for us.

This is the junk I deal with. I wish to God I had a normal relationship with actual caring.

[meanon]

Maybe the questions I should be asking on this site are not what do I do, how cn I cope, but why is it so difficult for me to meet decent men who I don't feel are sexual predetors. Men who like me, but are not going to push me in uncomfortable ways

 

Newcommer, you are absolutely right. In other words you need to focus on yourself, not him. He has not and will not make you happy. Added to the above I would say you need to ask your self why you feel you are so unworthy of love. More importantly, why you do not love yourself. These are the things preventing you from achieving what you want in life. And stop putting yourself down for having these problems. Everyone has difficulties in life, you've had more than most. You are a fine person and the way you chose to cope with your experiences worked for a time, but it was just a coping strategy, now it no longer works it's time to deal with the root causes of your disatisfaction.

[newcommer]

He called and left me a message saying, That he recieved my phone messages and that he will give me a call late tonight or tommorrow. He said that he has been busy and is not ready to talk to me. He ended by saying he hopes I am doing well.

 

I returned his call leaving a message. I basically let him know that I feel he has the right to be upset, but that our relationship was never ugly, vindictive or punishing. I do not feel not returning my calls especially knowing I am upset is honoring what we have always had, which was respect and for awhile our dignity.

 

He has the right to be upset because I kept him from going where he needed to because I wanted to speak about what I was feeling. It was our first argument and it got ugly but not too verbal like other arguments with other people.

 

Your also right. I wanted to end things because of the way I was feeling and my needs not being met. I have to accept that he will not run after me and that my feelings are not important to him. He will talk to me on his terms but not fix my pain by making things right. I don't need that. I need to say, "Okay let's be friends and take my space." I need to not place myself in a situation where I allow him to be in control and to make myself a target for abuse again.

 

I think in many ways this is psychological abuse. I do want free of this. I don't even think I love him. I may, I know I do not hate him. But love? No, how can I love a man who manipulated me and sweet talked me into bed knowing I was so uncomfortable with the idea of intercourse. He took me shopping and bought me an ankle braclet immediately afterwards (Something I had wanted for a while from him) and told me he only buys women he has been dating for 9 months jewlry but in my case I am special. He patiently coaxed me never pushing, always tender for 5.5 months and when I gave in and made love to him he then slowly let the relationhip go. Slowly each month taking away more and more than had initally bought us together. I am really offended by him taking advantage of everything I feared and trying to make me feel comfortable only to say in the end, "We were never girlfriend and boyfriend, I am too confused about what I want out of my life right now. It is not you, any woman I would say this to. I need to sort out my life. You could be Raquel Welsh and I would tell her the same thing, and I am her biggest fan." No, I have no love for a man who would take someones fears and hangups and use it as a challenge to conquer and when his deed is done say, "He never made me any promises".

 

 

It may be my hurt talking or my anger but I don't think I love him. I love who he was and I am in love with who he had been. He feels he is not ready to talk to me because I stood up to him for one day and finally told him I think he is lazy and unreasonable. I finally told him I think he is selfish and selfcentered and not acting age appropriate. I told him a few things. However, he has said things that really hurt me such as calling me his friend when introducing me to that woman, telling me I can not meet his kids, telling me I am almost like a virgin, telling me I need to grow up and all sorts of stuff prior to me ever telling him things I did. I was hurt and never once tried to insult him nor ignore his phone calls.

 

I need to get out of this. I love him but he does not love me. If he loved me he would not treat me this way. Treat me with such a lack of concern for my pain. I am tired of caring about his pain. I bought him flowers the other day telling him good bye I need to walk away since he broke up with me. He laughed and said these are breakup flowers? I said yes, I am not your girlfriend and you do not love me. He said, "I do love you". He never said more. This psycological manipulation of me needs to end. So I need to just continue to find the will power to follow your advice. I hope you can still guide me. I know I have strayed from your teachings and your help, but I really think your right about most things and although it is hard to do, I know I must be able to feel love for myself. I think I really do need to build up my self confidence and I do need to work on learning to love me. I am glad he called me, but the big issue here is still, how to not feel like my world is crumbling when I pull away and walk away and am alone. The health y choice is to walk away. I want to do to him what he did to me and slowly pull away not needing him at all.

[meanon]

Newcommer,

 

One minute you love him, the next you hate him. This is normal when you are recovering from a break up and although the relationship was unconventional you did see him as a lover. This man has helped you recover from an awful life experience, you have been sure in the past that he loves you, he may or may not be manipulating you - I can't tell. Why not try and retain his friendship? Ask him for some sapce while you sort yourself out and be comfortable in the knowledge you can have him in your life if you choose to. You may not get what you want but that seems to be the option you can best live with at the moment. Try to avoid taking any final steps while you are so confused as to your feelings towards him. You do need some time with no contact.

 

This is just advice, please do not thinkof it as teaching or guidance, it isn't. Follow it if it makes sense to you and seems helpful, otherwise disregard it. I will help as much as I can, you know that. But I don't have all the answers and I really would like you to try and seek some help nearer to you as well - the more help you get the better.

 

I'm glad he's called. After you settle things with him try and turn the focus onto those other things that are causing the problems in the first place. I know it's hard but ultimately this is a distraction from dealing with those things and you know that.

[newcommer]

In me is brewing a little anger. Your right one minute I love him the next I hate him. I love that man with all of me, but I hate being played for a fool. I am beginning to open my eyes and see things I never before could. I am starting to remember things I never before took sight of. I see now that each action felt like he was loving me because I never had anyone appoach me with such gentleness the way he had. He knew all my hangups and all my fears and he took his time showing me how much of an expert he ws at making me feel terrific all around. As down as I get never around him was I ever sad for more than a minute because his aura was so joyful and positive. I used to get shocked that I could be so negative and so miserable and within seconds he made me feel like I never had those feelings. It was easy for him because I wanted to believe in him and his love. Everywhere and anywhere he touched me be it my hand, my face, my arm, I felt like magic poured through my body and I was floating. I told him time and time again it was not love. It was lust. I told him I am in lust. He denied it .So I realize now that I was easy to take advantage of because clearly I wanted to feel things I never before felt. To be kissed since I never before kissed that way. So of course I thought everything was super special and got bent out of shape. He could not keep up the game and slowly all we shared disapated. I have to be honest.

 

Your right I am angry. I get like that. I was so upset before because he was hurting me and the moment I thought he no longer was talking to me because I injured his feelings, I stopped caring about me and was distraught thinking I offended him. I truly dislike hurting someone I love and I was really upset that he would not allow me to try and make things right. Now that I know he is out there being an A**h**e I have grown very angry. How dare he turn this around. He thinks he can control everything. Punish me knowing how distraught I am and more I became thinking I hurt him. Man I am furious . I have bent over backwards for months trying to undo the damage I did pushing him away long ago because of my insecurities. I tried to show him when I realized I love him, that his every move in our relationship was appreciated. I have done nothing but be good to him. Now he takes my weakness and uses it to hurt me. He knows how I feel about lack of communication. He listened to my messages yesterday, erased them and refused to call me back. So I am not ready to talk with him. I may not be pleasant when he calls me. I am tired of being his sucker. I never saw myself as being used, but now I see what everyone was warning me about in my life. He was simply out to conquer a challenge and had no interest in me or my feelings.

 

I am upset. You see I know now that the pain I feel in my stomach and the trouble I am having moving on is the fear of being alone. I want a partnership. I do not want to keep this man who is playing with my mind and making me lose interest in work, studies and all else because I am too focused on his drama. I am losing touch with reality. I am hurt because I want to be with someone who cares, but I do not want him. I love him. I however, don't like being played a fool. I am not alone I have Gary. And when I feel alone I know how to log on to LS and I know how to go to Manhattan where I have my favorite restaurant and lots of pampering the employees give me. I have my facials, my massages and I have my music. I don't know if I can over come my insecurities, but with effort I can learn to forget Mike, because I do not recognize this man. When I first posted on this site I told all of you that he was always good to me and it was hard to walk away because he has never hurt me or caused me trouble. He only wants to keep telling me how he cares and do things his way which is not comfortable for me. So i came on here wanting to know how to fix things. I never before adked for help regarding him but I wanted to save our relationship. Now I want to save me. I don't want a false friend. G and I broke up because of similar reasons to M and me. He had no time for me any longer he had to sort his life out. G was grwoing very depressed and refused to get counseling. I had to try and help him, but his depression was so deep he started talking about death and suicide. Finally he drained me so much I agreed to let him go and find himself. G did find himself after several long months. Then he came back to me and we are closer than ever. But G never lied to me or intentionally hurt me so it was easy to take him in my arms and welcome him into my heart again. i can't deal with a liar. M has used me and despite my love for him I don't want him back, I want the tools and the courage to move on and not fear being alone. I want the tools and the knowledge to learn how to love myself and have more esteem. I don't care about M, because M does not care about me. I will be his friend, but not like before. He will not take control of my head again. He will not manipulate this situation. I want control of me. I want to be free and feel good about myself because this man has truly hurt me very deeply.

[jenny]

I want control of me.

 

this is a terrific motto, girl, you go for it!

[newcommer]

Just an update. I decided to head out to church. Have not been there in quite some time. I truly recieved many answers to many question. I am not sure why, but I felt a sense of power come back to me.

 

M finally picked up the phone and agreed to meet me yesterday. It was clear he was willing to hear me, but his posture eas in defensive mode. He was ready for a confruntation. I was not going there. My mission was to forgive him and I told him I do not care why he was not talking with me. I hugged him tight and told him I want to break up I can no longer handle him. He seemed upset. I don't know why. Maybe he figured me calling him 100 times asking him to return my calls was a sign I could not get enough of him. I called feeling horrible I may of said somthing to hurt him and wanted to make things right.

 

He asked me if he could have 24hrs to think about things. I said "No". Your in no posititon to give me the love I need. I have to find that love for myself. I need time and you need time to get yourself together. We agreed to be friends and reevaluate the situation down the line if we decide maybe we can get back together.

 

I think I have accepted that as much as I love him, I am not willing to be played a fool again. I don't know if he can change. He says he wants his space to get himself together and then be what I need, but I think it's all talk. I know we will be good friends.

 

He suprisingly gave me back the $200. I had not asked for it back. He said, "His advice is free". We kissed and now I am ready to start getting back myself. Finding who I am and perhaps even going to church again. It seems dI have a lot to work on and it get's so tough. But I think Love Shack and most definately the word of God truly knocked some sense into me. It is amazing the power of the church. Even when you stray away, there is healing in the word.

 

I will log on every now and then, but I wanted to just update you.

[meanon]

That's great news Newcommer . I'm so happy for you,