I gotta chill

[debby]

Here is a fact that will infuriate everyone who reads it, including me. When Im done with this man, he will find another.

 

I am sorry for your pain and confusion, but you do, clearly, already know what you need to do...you just don't want to admit it is time to do it.

[woinlove]

I understand that this may bring about some negative comments but I cant seem to see the benefit of the family knowing about me. They are states away. The only benefit would be to me. I am not a martyr dont get me wrong. But what about the child? Ultimately its about him isent it? How would this benefit him?

 

I like the comment about using the time for the holidays as a time to reflect. Its what I plan on doing. I do call him out on bull****. I will tell him the way I feel.

 

Here is a fact that will infuriate everyone who reads it, including me. When Im done with this man, he will find another.

 

From what you have posted, I can't tell if this man makes his wife think there is no one else and they will stay married or not. But it sounds like he is away from the child a lot, you say his wife sounds angry and trapped but doesn't know about you, and he will replace you, if it comes to that - the implication is he may still remain married, keep his wife in the dark, and move on to someone else to fill his needs. Is that basically correct?

 

If so, I can't see how any of this serves the interests of the child. Children benefit from happy parents who do not lead conflicted or angry lives. If one is primarily interested in the welfare of the child, I would encourage him to start being open and honest with his wife. If he is unwilling to do that, you can stop helping him lead a dishonest life. I say this because you say it ultimately is about the child. Actually, affairs are not about children, but about the needs (or desires or weaknesses) of adults, in this case the MM and you. But, if you want to make it about the child, that would be my advice.

[Pomppikani]

I agree with the others..

 

He sees his son only every 6 weeks. That sounds so sad and makes me mad Not very good parent..

 

Somebody asked you if you have met his family (I don't mean his wife or kids)? His parents, siblings? Why is he keeping you in secret if he really is separated?

 

 

And why are you doing his landry? Does it makes you feel like a wife? Like a family?

[lala0429]

I do his laundry because I like to help him. It doesnt make me feel like a wife at all.

 

I see the point in a child thriving in a family where the parents are happy. He needs to start facing the problems in his life. Im not helping, Im starting to see that here.

 

The outside opinion and advice is very helpful. I thank you all for that. I was hoping for a more optimistic approach. But I see that the only answer here is me addressing the problems with my man and then leaving. Its sad and it breaks my heart. I just hoped that love could conquer and something good would come out of this. But it looks like it is the overall opinion that this is a situation that will not end well. It will be full of lonely holidays and unsatisfied wishes. I just wanted to believe.

[lala0429]

Just to add somemore backround to my current situation. I had the breakup of my life just prior to meeting my current man. It came out of no where, I had love blinders on. My live in had been seeing another woman for months before he told me it was over. My heart felt as if it was pushed through a meat grinder. Yes pysical agony. I have never gotten involved with a married man before, never even approached a man in a relationship. I have never the one to prey on a failing relationship, and I have never respected anyone who could do such a thing. Lesson learned. My biggest fear is that she thinks she is still married. Afraid that she may be trying everything in making her marriage work. I dont wish the meat grinder on anyone. I believed that he was taking responsibility for his actions. He finances everything down to his step daughters college and insurance. I believed everything he tells me. The facts that he needs to be there for the holiday is throwing me for a loop. Honestly, if the situation was as he tells it and they were seperated. If I was here, I wouldnt want him home for the holiday. It feels like a situation that has stagnated and one where none of us can grow and move on.

[woinlove]

Just to add somemore backround to my current situation. I had the breakup of my life just prior to meeting my current man. It came out of no where, I had love blinders on. My live in had been seeing another woman for months before he told me it was over. My heart felt as if it was pushed through a meat grinder. Yes pysical agony. I have never gotten involved with a married man before, never even approached a man in a relationship. I have never the one to prey on a failing relationship, and I have never respected anyone who could do such a thing. Lesson learned. My biggest fear is that she thinks she is still married. Afraid that she may be trying everything in making her marriage work. I dont wish the meat grinder on anyone. I believed that he was taking responsibility for his actions. He finances everything down to his step daughters college and insurance. I believed everything he tells me. The facts that he needs to be there for the holiday is throwing me for a loop. Honestly, if the situation was as he tells it and they were seperated. If I was here, I wouldnt want him home for the holiday. It feels like a situation that has stagnated and one where none of us can grow and move on.

 

That's the point of his family knowing about you, especially after a year. A couple who are really separated and free to go their own way, but not divorced for some technical reason, don't need to hide an important relationship. Not hiding it, says "I'm moving on". It's a healthy statement for all involved if the marriage has really ended. Instead, it appears that after being separated for four years, this man is still giving his wife the impression that he is all alone when he isn't with her. Why is that? Why would he not want to give his wife the impression he has moved on?

 

Some married men who like to have a woman on the side use the term separated to mean my wife is not here with me right at this time, so could you be with me, here and now, but of course, not over there or then, because then I'll be with my wife, but they don't explain that because then you won't want to satisfy their needs. You haven't written anything here that rules out this possibility.

[BB07]

..............

That's the point of his family knowing about you, especially after a year. A couple who are really separated and free to go their own way, but not divorced for some technical reason, don't need to hide an important relationship. Not hiding it, says "I'm moving on". It's a healthy statement for all involved if the marriage has really ended. Instead, it appears that after being separated for four years, this man is still giving his wife the impression that he is all alone when he isn't with her. Why is that? Why would he not want to give his wife the impression he has moved on?

 

I'll thumbs up this post!

 

Lala, I have a feeling that this mans wife doesn't have a clue that they are separated. I think your gut is telling you the same thing, but you are just now starting to admit the doubts you have.

Some married men who like to have a woman on the side use the term separated to mean my wife is not here with me right at this time, so could you be with me, here and now, but of course, not over there or then, because then I'll be with my wife, but they don't explain that because then you won't want to satisfy their needs. You haven't written anything here that rules out this possibility.

[lala0429]

Thank you all for your opinions. I really do appreciate them. I think I will stick with this forum.

[fooled once]

I do his laundry because I like to help him. It doesnt make me feel like a wife at all.

 

I see the point in a child thriving in a family where the parents are happy. He needs to start facing the problems in his life. Im not helping, Im starting to see that here.

 

The outside opinion and advice is very helpful. I thank you all for that. I was hoping for a more optimistic approach. But I see that the only answer here is me addressing the problems with my man and then leaving. Its sad and it breaks my heart. I just hoped that love could conquer and something good would come out of this. But it looks like it is the overall opinion that this is a situation that will not end well. It will be full of lonely holidays and unsatisfied wishes. I just wanted to believe.

 

Of course you wanted to believe. Unfortunately, many OW do this. Believe the man who knowingly and willingly lies and betrays his wife. If that doesn't show you the character and integrity of a man, nothing much more can be said.

 

Just to add somemore backround to my current situation. I had the breakup of my life just prior to meeting my current man. It came out of no where, I had love blinders on. My live in had been seeing another woman for months before he told me it was over. My heart felt as if it was pushed through a meat grinder. Yes pysical agony. I have never gotten involved with a married man before, never even approached a man in a relationship. I have never the one to prey on a failing relationship, and I have never respected anyone who could do such a thing. Lesson learned. My biggest fear is that she thinks she is still married. Afraid that she may be trying everything in making her marriage work. I dont wish the meat grinder on anyone. I believed that he was taking responsibility for his actions. He finances everything down to his step daughters college and insurance. I believed everything he tells me. The facts that he needs to be there for the holiday is throwing me for a loop. Honestly, if the situation was as he tells it and they were seperated. If I was here, I wouldnt want him home for the holiday. It feels like a situation that has stagnated and one where none of us can grow and move on.

 

I would bet his wife has no idea he has someone he is sleeping with. I would bet she has no idea he is saying he is 'separated'. She is raising his child - his special needs child. That alone shows what a schmuck he is - only sees his son every 6 weeks.

 

Sometimes, love is NOT enough. Marriages break up all the time because love is not enough.

 

That's the point of his family knowing about you, especially after a year. A couple who are really separated and free to go their own way, but not divorced for some technical reason, don't need to hide an important relationship. Not hiding it, says "I'm moving on". It's a healthy statement for all involved if the marriage has really ended. Instead, it appears that after being separated for four years, this man is still giving his wife the impression that he is all alone when he isn't with her. Why is that? Why would he not want to give his wife the impression he has moved on?

 

Some married men who like to have a woman on the side use the term separated to mean my wife is not here with me right at this time, so could you be with me, here and now, but of course, not over there or then, because then I'll be with my wife, but they don't explain that because then you won't want to satisfy their needs. You haven't written anything here that rules out this possibility.

 

great post!