friend hooking up is more important than my bday...

[kiss_andmakeup]

I would even go so far as to show him this thread. That way he can see that in an anonymous forum, most people (men and women) believe he is being unreasonable. That way he can't just say "Oh she is just doing what girls do and being overly sensitive."

 

I think if he sees the wole thing written out, he will see how selfish and inconsiderate he's being.

[dispatch3d]

I am pretty angry. Staying in town means that my best friends, who live out of town, will probably not be able to come. My bf went from trying to make my bday special to telling me we can't do what I wanted and what we had agreed on because his friend won't like it (who, btw, is the only single guy, and the only person interested in bar hopping). Last year I spent quite a bit of money and time planning 3 separate bday things for my bf, to give him exactly what he wanted for his bday, because it was important to him.

 

I know that my friends love me, but do you have any idea how hungover people are the day after NYE?? If I don't do something special, I'm going to have the same NOTHING birthday I have every year. Seriously, it's my turn for a change to get the birthday I celebrate with every single other friend and family member and SO every single year. I'm asking for ONE big special birthday.

 

Is there anyway to accommodate both groups?

 

The more you go into this it seems like the bigger issue this is and the more angry you get. Not a good thing.

[kdark]

I would even go so far as to show him this thread. That way he can see that in an anonymous forum, most people (men and women) believe he is being unreasonable. That way he can't just say "Oh she is just doing what girls do and being overly sensitive."

 

I think if he sees the wole thing written out, he will see how selfish and inconsiderate he's being.

 

I know I'm in the minority, but I think she is being pretty unreasonable and selfish. She really does sound like a spoiled brat in every post on here. Strong-arming her boyfriend to give her a great birthday party isn't the way to go about getting what she wants. Giving her a great birthday party is something he should do because he wants to, not because she's crying and moaning about it.

 

But then again, I'm lucky if I get a card from my parents for my birthday, much less renting a weekend house in a resort town with all of my friends.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I know I'm in the minority, but I think she is being pretty unreasonable and selfish. She really does sound like a spoiled brat in every post on here. Strong-arming her boyfriend to give her a great birthday party isn't the way to go about getting what she wants. Giving her a great birthday party is something he should do because he wants to, not because she's crying and moaning about it.

 

But then again, I'm lucky if I get a card from my parents for my birthday, much less renting a weekend house in a resort town with all of my friends.

 

I see what you're saying, however it doesn't sound like she really even wants him to "give" her a big birthday party. She sounds willing to make all the arrangements herself, she simply wants him to attend. I don't really think that's selfish at all.

[kdark]

I see what you're saying, however it doesn't sound like she really even wants him to "give" her a big birthday party. She sounds willing to make all the arrangements herself, she simply wants him to attend. I don't really think that's selfish at all.

 

Whenever I stopped caring about how good of a birthday my SO was going to have, I was close to checking out of the relationship altogether. And the fact that he doesn't even want to attend is even worse in my opinion.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Whenever I stopped caring about how good of a birthday my SO was going to have, I was close to checking out of the relationship altogether. And the fact that he doesn't even want to attend is even worse in my opinion.

 

I agree completely...I think he has also "checked out."

[Roxanna]

I know I'm in the minority, but I think she is being pretty unreasonable and selfish. She really does sound like a spoiled brat in every post on here. Strong-arming her boyfriend to give her a great birthday party isn't the way to go about getting what she wants. Giving her a great birthday party is something he should do because he wants to, not because she's crying and moaning about it.

 

But then again, I'm lucky if I get a card from my parents for my birthday, much less renting a weekend house in a resort town with all of my friends.

 

Birthdays are a huge deal in his family, and in our mutual group of friends. Over the last few years I have knocked myself out effort-wise, and spent thousands of dollars on these sometimes extravagant birthdays. Last year my bf implied that I was a terrible gf if I didn't plan/organize his party (in addition to buying him a gift) - which as it turned out, needed to be three separate events with three separate groups of people, and I had to plan them all. To make him happy. Because evidently birthdays are such freaking huge deals to him.

 

Want to know what we did for my birthday last year (and every other year)? When I suggested that we go out for dinner on my birthday, he said (basically) sorry, I have other plans with my friends on your birthday. We'll do it a different weekend.

 

Despite all this, I wouldn't be quite so upset (and therefore coming across as a selfish brat), except that this year is a big birthday - and I didn't say a single word about my bday - HE brought it up, suggested we do the house thing, picked the town, everything, because he wanted to make it special. I was pretty excited about it. Not five minutes after I agreed and he said he would book it his friend called and said "hey what are you doing for NYE, can I come to town for a long weekend?" Without a thought my bf said "yes of course," and told me that we can no longer rent the house because his friend is coming and won't like doing that because he won't get laid - but I understand, right, we'll just celebrate some other time. In other words, what he is telling me, is that we cannot celebrate my birthday AT ALL that weekend, unless I want to go bar hopping (no thanks, I am getting old and I want a classy birthday), because he will be getting wasted with his friend instead.

 

I think that's pretty inconsiderate of my bf.

 

I am fine with planning my own birthday, after all the effort I have gone to for others I think I deserve to have them celebrate with me for a change. If my bf's not there, whatever. But I want to have a fun birthday for a change, and he's going to pissed off that I went ahead and celebrated it anyways without holding off until he decided it was convenient for him to do so as well.

[dispatch3d]

lol man your boyfriend is an *******. Why are you dating him?

 

I can guarantee the way you are going about planning the party is not the most attractive or persuasive though. Your last post is the first reasonable thing you've written in the thread. Did you piss him off and then he said he was going to do something with his friend? I kinda realize how biased an opinion I'm getting here while I write this....

[tigressA]

lol man your boyfriend is an *******. Why are you dating him?

 

I second this question...he sounds like a real piece of work. "Pretty inconsiderate"? You sure seem to have a lot of patience. I would've kicked this guy to the curb awhile ago.

 

I think you should go ahead and plan your birthday without your so-called boyfriend (that guy doesn't deserve the title), and also have it be a celebration of your single status. That would be one of the best gifts you could give yourself.

[kdark]

Birthdays are a huge deal in his family, and in our mutual group of friends. Over the last few years I have knocked myself out effort-wise, and spent thousands of dollars on these sometimes extravagant birthdays. Last year my bf implied that I was a terrible gf if I didn't plan/organize his party (in addition to buying him a gift) - which as it turned out, needed to be three separate events with three separate groups of people, and I had to plan them all. To make him happy. Because evidently birthdays are such freaking huge deals to him.

 

Want to know what we did for my birthday last year (and every other year)? When I suggested that we go out for dinner on my birthday, he said (basically) sorry, I have other plans with my friends on your birthday. We'll do it a different weekend.

 

Despite all this, I wouldn't be quite so upset (and therefore coming across as a selfish brat), except that this year is a big birthday - and I didn't say a single word about my bday - HE brought it up, suggested we do the house thing, picked the town, everything, because he wanted to make it special. I was pretty excited about it. Not five minutes after I agreed and he said he would book it his friend called and said "hey what are you doing for NYE, can I come to town for a long weekend?" Without a thought my bf said "yes of course," and told me that we can no longer rent the house because his friend is coming and won't like doing that because he won't get laid - but I understand, right, we'll just celebrate some other time. In other words, what he is telling me, is that we cannot celebrate my birthday AT ALL that weekend, unless I want to go bar hopping (no thanks, I am getting old and I want a classy birthday), because he will be getting wasted with his friend instead.

 

I think that's pretty inconsiderate of my bf.

 

I am fine with planning my own birthday, after all the effort I have gone to for others I think I deserve to have them celebrate with me for a change. If my bf's not there, whatever. But I want to have a fun birthday for a change, and he's going to pissed off that I went ahead and celebrated it anyways without holding off until he decided it was convenient for him to do so as well.

 

To this, all I have to say is that expectations are just premeditated resentments. Your expectations of this birthday being something big and special and everyone needs to have fun are what I think is causing the most distress about this situation.

 

I personally am happy just hearing the words "happy birthday", and I don't get upset if that doesn't happen. So you getting upset about not being able to have people come for a weekend getaway is unfathomable to me.

[Roxanna]

lol man your boyfriend is an *******. Why are you dating him?

 

I can guarantee the way you are going about planning the party is not the most attractive or persuasive though. Your last post is the first reasonable thing you've written in the thread. Did you piss him off and then he said he was going to do something with his friend? I kinda realize how biased an opinion I'm getting here while I write this....

 

LoL one of my bf's biggest flaws is that he never tells anyone no. The only way he would have said no to this guy is if he had already paid for the house in full and there was no chance of getting his money back.

 

It's not that I'm not invited to hang out with them, or that he doesn't want to spend NYE/my birthday with me. He absolutely does, and I know he'll be upset/disappointed if I don't spend them with him. The problem is that he is telling me "this is what I am doing, you should come" and deciding for me that I can't celebrate on my bday weekend, it has to be at another time when he doesn't have the opportunity to get wasted and play wingman for his buddy.

 

And the thing is, my bf wouldn't have dropped me like this for any of his other friends.

[dispatch3d]

LoL one of my bf's biggest flaws is that he never tells anyone no. The only way he would have said no to this guy is if he had already paid for the house in full and there was no chance of getting his money back.

 

It's not that I'm not invited to hang out with them, or that he doesn't want to spend NYE/my birthday with me. He absolutely does, and I know he'll be upset/disappointed if I don't spend them with him. The problem is that he is telling me "this is what I am doing, you should come" and deciding for me that I can't celebrate on my bday weekend, it has to be at another time when he doesn't have the opportunity to get wasted and play wingman for his buddy.

 

And the thing is, my bf wouldn't have dropped me like this for any of his other friends.

 

is this a serious post? You're seriously rationalizing why his behaviour is okay? So he never says no to anyone - except his girlfriend? Ahhhh.....

 

I'll give you this, you were bratty earlier, and he's kind of selfish too, so I guess the two go hand in hand.

 

And from this rationalizing I'm guessing your actually OK with scheduling it another weekend, so I can see why he doesn't prioritize things.

[Roxanna]

is this a serious post? You're seriously rationalizing why his behaviour is okay? So he never says no to anyone - except his girlfriend? Ahhhh.....

 

I'll give you this, you were bratty earlier, and he's kind of selfish too, so I guess the two go hand in hand.

 

And from this rationalizing I'm guessing your actually OK with scheduling it another weekend, so I can see why he doesn't prioritize things.

 

I'm not rationalizing anything, I'm clarifying a point to people who have suggested that he doesn't actually want to spend time with me or celebrate with me.

 

Either way, the point of this thread was for concrete suggestions on how to reach a compromise on this so that we both get what we want, not who you think is a bigger *******.

[tigressA]

I'm not rationalizing anything, I'm clarifying a point to people who have suggested that he doesn't actually want to spend time with me or celebrate with me.

 

Either way, the point of this thread was for concrete suggestions on how to reach a compromise on this so that we both get what we want, not who you think is a bigger *******.

 

Question...why are you trying to compromise when your boyfriend hasn't ever made even the slightest effort to do the same on your past birthdays? You said yourself that he's ditched you to make plans with other friends on prior birthdays, while implying that you would be a "bad girlfriend" if you didn't plan out this huge, elaborate birthday event for him one year. In this respect at least, it would seem that your relationship is very uneven. Is he like this with other things too? I just don't see why you are so concerned with compromising so you both get what you want when he is so willing to dismiss what you want.

[Roxanna]

Question...why are you trying to compromise when your boyfriend hasn't ever made even the slightest effort to do the same on your past birthdays? You said yourself that he's ditched you to make plans with other friends on prior birthdays, while implying that you would be a "bad girlfriend" if you didn't plan out this huge, elaborate birthday event for him one year. In this respect at least, it would seem that your relationship is very uneven. Is he like this with other things too? I just don't see why you are so concerned with compromising so you both get what you want when he is so willing to dismiss what you want.

 

I'm sure that part of the problem is an entire lifetime of celebrating other people's bdays in big ways all year round, while having mine overlooked. My bday really is just a horrible time to have one - after all the holidays and things it can be pretty tough to compete with all the other things going on. While I see how other people prioritize their bdays, and friends/family are on board, it's normal for me to not have that, because of holidays, vacations, etc.

 

If the facts are simply this, with no emotion or personal perspective thrown in:

1. My birthday is on X day

2. My bf's friend is going to be visiting on WXYZA days

3. We can either celebrate my bday or not celebrate it

 

I don't see why we can't celebrate my bday in some way that I and my friends will find fun and enjoyable, and that my bf and his friend can be a part of.

[NoLongerSad]

Last year I spent quite a bit of money and time planning 3 separate bday things for my bf, to give him exactly what he wanted for his bday, because it was important to him.

 

Wow you had sex three times on his b-day? Good for you, you're a wonderful gf.

[ColdFox]

To this, all I have to say is that expectations are just premeditated resentments. Your expectations of this birthday being something big and special and everyone needs to have fun are what I think is causing the most distress about this situation.

 

I personally am happy just hearing the words "happy birthday", and I don't get upset if that doesn't happen. So you getting upset about not being able to have people come for a weekend getaway is unfathomable to me.

 

She is upset because she is being treated as though she is less than her boyfriend, and less than his friend. She is being taken for granted and her special occasions considered garbage next to other people's fun. She's right to be angry, almost anyone would be. If she was not, she would be his doormat. I do not think she wants to be a doormat.

[ColdFox]

OP, I would make the reservations for the plans that had you excited, the plans to be with your other loved ones for the weekend away. Let your boyfriend choose what he will do, after you tell him how you feel about all this and point out the discrepancies in his behavior. You don't have to figure everything out for him, he is a grown man and responsible for his own choices.

 

Life is short, sometimes shorter than we think. Do you want to spend the time you have left in a relationship where you are second rate? Or will you tell your boyfriend to shape up or ship out?

[harmfulsweetz]

So, it all comes down to the fact that he is completely unwilling to compromise with you. He isn't placing you as a priority in his life, his friends come first and probably always will. There's absolutely no reason why he couldn't have said no to that friend and stuck with his plans with you. None at all.

 

Most people would expect their loved ones, especially their partners to spend their bdays with them, big or small, whatever time of year they are. There's no real excuse. The fact this isn't a one-off thing, is a major issue. He wants and expects you to make a big deal about his bdays, but when it comes to yours, he goes out with friends. Does it sound like your happiness is important to him? To me, it sounds like he's far more interested in getting wasted than making you happy.

 

He isn't worthy of the title of boyfriend.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Roxanna, are you a complete moron? You seem level headed enough, but shouldn't your birthday be celebrated the way YOU want? I think your NYE in Vegas idea is great. I also think your original plan is a great one too and you should go through with it, and not feel an ounce of guilt about celebrating your birthday in a way that YOU want to and don't normally get to.

 

Personally, I think you're an idiot for going so far out of your way to accommodate them, when A) its YOUR birthday and B) he very, obviously doesn't give ****. Idiot.

 

I do thank you for reminding me that there are plenty of feeble minded women out there for me to mind**** and manipulate, while I find a suitable one...probably the same thing your bf is doing actually. Break up with him and do what you want, so you don't have to feel guilty for doing what you want or marginalized for not doing what you want.

 

Happy Birthday!

[zengirl]

OP, talk to him about it and make sure you don't compromise your birthday for him. It just seems like you'll really regret it if you do.

 

I feel a little bit like a brat, because we didn't have firm plans when his friend called; he just knew that I wanted to do something special, and we had just arrived at an option that I liked and wanted to commit to - literally 5 minutes later his friend called.

 

When we first started dating, bf had a tendency to overcommit to things, but over the years has gotten much, much better about checking with me before making plans that affect me, or checking to make sure that we didn't already have plans.

 

No idea why that wasn't the case in this situation - I guess he really wanted to see this friend. But now I can't say anything without being the bad guy in the eyes of his friends (a couple other friends are involved in this as well).

 

I know he'll be pissed if I make other plans and don't spend the holiday with him, but I don't think I'm wrong here.

 

You're not being a brat. The thing is, if as an SO you aren't getting Priority Treatment after awhile --- and that includes pretty much complete attention on your birthday, especially if you make it clear you want to do something special --- then there's something wrong. That's how I feel. My boyfriend also has a big birthday coming up, and it will be a little over 6 months we'll be dating by then, and nothing but major work/financial commitments could stop me from accomodating whatever he wanted to do on his birthday. I know he'd do the same for me. I don't think that's unreasonable to expect and I don't even think any guy with good friends would have friends who think differently if they understand the relationship is serious.

 

My fella's friends don't give him a hard time if he prioritizes me before them (unless he does it to extremes) because they understand what a relationship is and the kind of priority it takes. I've experienced that with ex-boyfriend's friends as well and I do tend to think less of guys, past a certain age, who let their friends hinder their relationships. True friends understand the importance of an SO and make an effort to help you nurture your relationships by not getting upset about stuff like, "Hey, that weekend happens to be my girlfriend's birthday, so I'm going to ________ with her -- you can come or crash at my place, or come into town another weekend, but I really need to be with her. Your call."

 

the bf appears to want:

 

" the friend only wants to go out to bars, get wasted and try to pick up girls, which he will not be able to do if we rent the house."

 

so as long as your plan allows for the friend to (a) try to pickup girls (b) get drunk, and © go to bars, then there will be no argument.

 

So my suggestion is don't rent a house way outside of town. Plan something in-town that everyone can do and have fun at, or figure out a way for people to go from out of town to in town. When single people go out on weekends they often like to try to hookup, because it's better to not be single right? I think if you accomadate other peoples needs in this party + lookout for what other people want, you're party will go off better regardless. Ie. I think it's in your best interest to plan your birthday such that everyone is happy, not such that just you get exactly what you want. Kapeesh?

 

She shouldn't have to compromise her own birthday for her boyfriend's friend. It's not like she wants to do something that NO ONE wants to do and everyone will be bored by.

 

She is upset because she is being treated as though she is less than her boyfriend, and less than his friend. She is being taken for granted and her special occasions considered garbage next to other people's fun. She's right to be angry, almost anyone would be. If she was not, she would be his doormat. I do not think she wants to be a doormat.

 

Precisely.

[sfl]

I'm getting all fired up about this now. I'm considering just ditching him, letting him spend the holiday with his immature buddy and going to Vegas or somewhere to celebrate the holiday/bday with my friends.

I actually think you should. It's kinda funny that I've been racking my brains lately trying (and failing) to think of something nice to do for my girlfriend's next birthday. You've made so much effort for this special day, all he has to do is turn up, and he can't even manage that? Pff.