allina Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Are women ever 100% sure that they want to have a child? I am not getting pregnant any time soon but we plan on having kids in the future. What worries me is that I don't always feel sure about having a child. I get excited about having a baby with my husband, and teaching them things, taking them places and growing as a family. However I also get so scared about how it can change your life forever, or me not being patient or liking the baby (I know the last one isn't rational). Do these fears mean that I'm not cut out to be a mom? My husband and I can afford to have a baby, we own a home and have a happy and stable home environment. We also have families that would love for us to have a baby. All that stuff is in order but I find bringing a child in to this world so terrifying! I'm 27 and if we decide on kids we would probably start trying in a couple years. My husband isn't pressuring me or anything like that, I'm just trying to understand my feelings on the topic. Can any LS moms share their experience or give me any advice?
Eve Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 You will be as you are now but have a child. Don't follow the myth that parenthood will change you vastly. Those observing you may comment on specific changes but realistically the main thing to consider is how responsible you are and how emotionally available you can be .. '100% sure' doesn't exist methinks in any realm, currently. I think its a leap of faith type thing with having kids, or making the most of a surprise, or reproducing because it is expected.. Not having kids is ok too. Once again, you will be as you are now, simple as that. It's weighing up what you can manage. For some it is a primal urge that is unquestionable .. but I would still say there are moments of sheer panic involved even within such clarity. Take care, Eve xx
Stung Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Bringing a child into the world IS terrifying, the only people I have ever met who didn't have any fears about having a baby were kind of--simple, to put it nicely. I always knew I wanted kids, but I was so torn about the real-life ramifications of it that I dithered back and forth on whether I ever would have kids for years. I probably still would be weighing the pros and cons now as I had finally decided to wait until I was 35 but Nature stepped in a couple years ago and my husband slipped one past the goalie, and I decided to just go with it. I am 35 NOW, and my son is turning 2. I absolutely LOVE my son and LOVE being his mom, although I won't lie, it's hard and has changed my world in ways I didn't anticipate. I thought I knew so much about living with kids that nothing could take me by surprise--I had custody of my goddaughters for 2 years, and I have a stepdaughter-- but being responsible for your own infant 24/7, that's a world-shaker-upper. Still, I think I'm a pretty good mom, I'm dedicated and nurturing and I've discovered reserves of resourcefulness and responsibility I didn't even know I had. Now I'm tearing myself up over weighing the pros and cons of whether to have a SECOND child. It never ends! You're a newlywed, Allina, and still pretty young. Just enjoy this time alone with your husband, you've got time to worry about this stuff later. I don't regret having my son for one second, but one thing I do fantasize about doing differently is going back to give myself traveling and honeymoon time with my husband, time that we never got to have. You DO have it, take advantage of it.
Author allina Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 You will be as you are now but have a child. Don't follow the myth that parenthood will change you vastly. Eve xx This is what scares me. I hear all these stories about how you just become a mom and that's it, no more, wife, lover, friend, just MOM. We are emotionally stable and have a lot to offer but thinking about kids scares me. I'm almost afraid I would regret it
Author allina Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Bringing a child into the world IS terrifying, the only people I have ever met who didn't have any fears about having a baby were kind of--simple, to put it nicely. I always knew I wanted kids, but I was so torn about the real-life ramifications of it that I dithered back and forth on whether I ever would have kids for years. I probably still would be weighing the pros and cons now as I had finally decided to wait until I was 35 but Nature stepped in a couple years ago and my husband slipped one past the goalie, and I decided to just go with it. I am 35 NOW, and my son is turning 2. I absolutely LOVE my son and LOVE being his mom, although I won't lie, it's hard and has changed my world in ways I didn't anticipate. I thought I knew so much about living with kids that nothing could take me by surprise--I had custody of my goddaughters for 2 years, and I have a stepdaughter-- but being responsible for your own infant 24/7, that's a world-shaker-upper. Still, I think I'm a pretty good mom, I'm dedicated and nurturing and I've discovered reserves of resourcefulness and responsibility I didn't even know I had. Now I'm tearing myself up over weighing the pros and cons of whether to have a SECOND child. It never ends! You're a newlywed, Allina, and still pretty young. Just enjoy this time alone with your husband, you've got time to worry about this stuff later. I don't regret having my son for one second, but one thing I do fantasize about doing differently is going back to give myself traveling and honeymoon time with my husband, time that we never got to have. You DO have it, take advantage of it. Thanks so much Stung. What do you mean when you say it changed your world in ways you didn't anticipate? We will absolutely be enjoying life together for a couple years before we decide we are ready for kids. I'm not rushing this and I'm definitely happy to enjoy life with just my husband right now
TaraMaiden Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Are women ever 100% sure that they want to have a child? ..... Can any LS moms share their experience or give me any advice? The big question is not whether to have a child or not. The Big Question - Is WHY.
Author allina Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 The big question is not whether to have a child or not. The Big Question - Is WHY. Are you asking me for my reasons why I would want one?
TaraMaiden Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I'm asking why, in this day and age, why people WANT children. And I'm not looking for emotive or biologically-fuelled motives. I'm asking from an entirely logical and sensible, far-seeing point of view. I have 2 daughters. The eldest has a baby boy. If I had my time again, I would think twice about having children. This is NOT to say that I'm wishing I'd never had my daughters. I'm not. I'm merely saying I would have given the matter a whole lot more considered and careful thought. And yes...I might very well have come to a different decision. Just giving you my position.
Eve Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 This is what scares me. I hear all these stories about how you just become a mom and that's it, no more, wife, lover, friend, just MOM. We are emotionally stable and have a lot to offer but thinking about kids scares me. I'm almost afraid I would regret it Rationally consider how you cope with a range of things. This is how it will be with a child in tow. Do you look for the positives or do you become a robot and get things done within day to day life? How do you achieve a sense of joy? Many have a child because they think it is time and slot the child in with their work routine. Who you are now, is who you will be. This is the reality that I would be foolish to cover over. The even darker side still is that you will do a mixture of the things you don't want to do once you become a parent. This is a hard thing to come to terms with and I am not sure we are meant to accept this.. sort of gives us character, whether that be a strong character or a weak ass one. Hence, crack Mums and stepford wives and everything in between exists. It's your story hun.. : ) My wierdy beliefs follow that every child who is here is meant to be here anyway. You just got to look at your track record and give yourself some credit!! Are you the type that even though they have doubts pulls through? The doubt and contemplation thing is a good thing in some respects and parenting is all about learning as you go along... there is no other way! Just don't over compare the two states of being a parent and not being a parent as the gap is too great. Anyhow, most people will openly tell you that once they became parents they could not remember what it was like before the little one came along. In my experience, those who try too hard to remember are usually the ones who fail their child. So, take some peace in that once you have the little one there is often some sense of nurturing 'winning out' if you are that sort of person in the first place. Enjoy your husband and everyday as far as possible and if you start thinking that you would like a child, go for it. If not, don't force the issue. : ) Take care, Eve xx
Stung Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) Well, I ended up being more of a MOM-with-capital-letters than I intended to be. In part that was probably unavoidable because my husband and I decided that I would stay home with the baby and be a SAHM for the first couple years. It was my choice, but it turned out to be harder and a bit more isolating than I had anticipated. I do still feel like it was the best decision for our family, for a variety of reasons, but I can definitely see why it's not the best way to go for everyone. My son has not been what is called an 'easy baby,' although of course no baby is ever truly easy. He was colicky, and had reflux as an infant, and he is a truly terribly sleeper who has never once slept through an entire night. Also, although I was always planning on breastfeeding, I thought I would be able to give him a bottle sometimes and thus be able to get away now and then for a little grownup time--as it happened, my son steadfastly and violently refused to take a bottle of any kind, whether pumped milk or formula or just water, until he was over a year old. The ramifications of that were that I could literally not be away from him for more than an hour and a half, for over a year. No movies, no girls' nights, no evening classes. I had not planned on being shackled through my boobs like that, and it was a big adjustment, having so little 'me' time/adult time for so long--and adjusting to the sleep deprivation as well. Don't think it's a horror story, though. Part of what happened is that I just rolled with it--after all if we had HAD to put him in daycare, we'd have figured out some way to get him to take a bottle, eventually. It just would have been a brutal week, but he wouldn't have starved to death, we'd have figured something out. Parenting sometimes involves figuring out a lot of workarounds between theory and practice. And while a lot of babies have some sleep problems, my son's is a bit more extreme than you're likely to run up against. I sacrificed more of my personal life than I had originally planned on, but I am still me, I still have my outside interests and friends. I take my son with me almost everywhere I go, a lot of my friends are very attached to him now. I get free babysitting from my parents--my relationship with my parents was shaky before but has been almost totally revamped by the advent of their first biological grandchild. My family bonds are closer than they ever were before. The parenting experience has also provided incredible bonding with my husband, and perhaps in part because I have spent so much undiluted time with him I am extremely bonded with my son as well. My son, btw, is turning 2 this weekend and starting pre-school part-time next week. I'm a little ambivalent about him turning into a big boy who goes to his own school, but I'm looking forward to having time for my own projects again and it's going to be good for him socially. I think my working part-time is going to be a good balance for me/my family. ETA: btw, my husband and I still have a very active sex life, if that helps. Sometimes we're too tired, now--which NEVER happened before--but we still get busy at least 2/3x per week, sometimes more. I think it's easy to be subsumed in children, in their needs and wants, but the secret to really good parenting is to remember to make yourself and your husband and marriage a priority. You aren't giving your kids the best of you if you are just a hollow shell with the fires inside smothered out. Edited November 13, 2010 by Stung
Author allina Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Thank you for sharing your experience Stung I would be a SAHM for about 2 years. The way I picture motherhood for me is getting up, feeding baby and myself then going out to the park, then a yoga class for me (gym has baby sitting area) then off to the farmers market, some play time with baby, followed by making dinner and picking up around the house. I would also get involved in a local mom group where we would plan activities with the moms and kids to get some adult and kid time. During the weekends hubby and I would take the baby to the zoo, aquarium and on hikes. My parents would gladly take the baby for a weekend a month and for an evening or two so that hubby and I could have adult time. I envision this active life style for us and the baby. However, this seems too easy and possibly not realistic? I don't know. I do see groups of moms with their babies at cafes during the day chatting and laughing. I also know that my husband would be an amazing father.
Author allina Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Just do it, Allina. Can I drop it off at your place if I'm in the area and want to get some skiing done?
johan Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Can I drop it off at your place if I'm in the area and want to get some skiing done? Well, I guess. I'm not cheap though.
Stung Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Thank you for sharing your experience Stung I would be a SAHM for about 2 years. The way I picture motherhood for me is getting up, feeding baby and myself then going out to the park, then a yoga class for me (gym has baby sitting area) then off to the farmers market, some play time with baby, followed by making dinner and picking up around the house. I would also get involved in a local mom group where we would plan activities with the moms and kids to get some adult and kid time. During the weekends hubby and I would take the baby to the zoo, aquarium and on hikes. My parents would gladly take the baby for a weekend a month and for an evening or two so that hubby and I could have adult time. I envision this active life style for us and the baby. However, this seems too easy and possibly not realistic? I don't know. I do see groups of moms with their babies at cafes during the day chatting and laughing. I also know that my husband would be an amazing father. Some of that depends on how organized and energetic you are, and some of it depends on your baby. That kind of schedule is pretty ambitious for a newborn, but more or less manageable with an older baby, IMO. You have to remember there will be a major adjustment period and many, many days when you will be lucky to find time to take a shower or make dinner without burning the hell out of everything--and for the first several months zoos and aquariums are pointless as the baby won't even see any of it, although hikes and walks are always nice regardless. There will be probably be phases when you can take the baby to a restaurant, and phases when you can't, unless you are willing to piss off every other patron at the restaurant with a screaming baby . My son is actually preternaturally good at restaurants as long as he has a toy or some crayons, I lucked out in that respect. There will also be days when everything runs smoothly, however, and if you're lucky you'll have a baby who can nap in their stroller while you're out and about, that's a good thing to try to train the baby into. Some babies will happily sit quietly and play by themselves while you cook and clean up, some babies are all go go go and want constant contact and stimulation, and if you get one of those, you will have to choose between putting them in a pack n play and letting them cry it out, or having a dirtier house and packaged meals for a while. My son as an infant did some marathon crying/screaming/face turning blue sessions that just broke my heart and we ended up choosing dirt and frozen dinners/takeout for a while. Once he was an older baby/toddler he loosened up a little and things got easier around the house. I did/do take him to Gymboree/Mommy and Me classes, and to the park, and to the Farmer's Market and for long walks in his stroller. I tried to get involved with a mom group but, honestly, most of the moms were competitive smarmy ubermoms who crawled up my butt, so that didn't last too long. I have a friend who had a group of awesome moms though so I guess that's just the luck of the draw--I have moved since my first group experience so I might try again with some fresh meat moms. I have not been able to leave him overnight anywhere yet because he is such an awful sleeper nobody will take him, and I don't think I could even if they agreed to, because I know he would be crying for me all night and that's unacceptable to me. I hope to be able to leave him at my parents for an overnight sometime in the not-too-distant future, though, we are really trying to work on his sleep patterns and at least part of it is his teething. Nobody ever tells you how awful teething really can be . The weird thing is now that he's turning into a little boy more than a baby I'm starting to think about doing it all over again .
threebyfate Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 The only fear of yours that I can hopefully help to alleviate is loving your baby. Think of the Grinch cartoon where his heart grew and grew. This will be your heart and the love you bear for your child. It's indescribable, truly indescribable! As far as babies being difficult, Bump's been an absolute dream. Part is genetics, luck of the draw and how relaxed everyone in the household is. We're all pretty calm people so Bump responds to this. I've noticed when he's in an upset or angry environment, he acts up. We've been incredibly blessed with our little man who's so easy going with no health problems, not even a minor cold. No one's been sick in our little household and I'm a holy terror about keeping him away from anyone sick, as well as making sure everyone washes their hands before touching him. Yeah, yeah, shut up or sue me! As far as being a SAHM for 2 years, I would caution you away from this. It's brain defeating to the degree of numbness, deathly numbness. Consider working part-time.
sb129 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Are women ever 100% sure that they want to have a child? I am not getting pregnant any time soon but we plan on having kids in the future. What worries me is that I don't always feel sure about having a child. I get excited about having a baby with my husband, and teaching them things, taking them places and growing as a family. However I also get so scared about how it can change your life forever, or me not being patient or liking the baby (I know the last one isn't rational). Do these fears mean that I'm not cut out to be a mom? I doubt that many people are 100% sure. I felt all the same things you are feeling now, and now I feel the same about having a second child! It DEFINITELY doesn't mean that you aren't cut out to be a mum. I think that mothers who worry about being a good mum means that they will be because they care about what they are doing. Bringing a child into the world IS terrifying, the only people I have ever met who didn't have any fears about having a baby were kind of--simple, to put it nicely. I absolutely LOVE my son and LOVE being his mom, although I won't lie, it's hard and has changed my world in ways I didn't anticipate. I thought I knew so much about living with kids that nothing could take me by surprise--I had custody of my goddaughters for 2 years, and I have a stepdaughter-- but being responsible for your own infant 24/7, that's a world-shaker-upper. Still, I think I'm a pretty good mom, I'm dedicated and nurturing and I've discovered reserves of resourcefulness and responsibility I didn't even know I had. Same here. I am quite an impatient person at times (although not at work interestingly enough) yet I have much more patience when dealing with my daughter. Even when she has smeared avocado all over her hair, my hair, the floor and the dog. She is the cutest person I know- and watching her grow into herself is just . Even if there are bad moments that involve poo, getting up in the middle of the night multiple times and having to read the same story book over and over again. Now I'm tearing myself up over weighing the pros and cons of whether to have a SECOND child. It never ends! Same here! We have a nice equilibrium now, I work part time, we have a nanny, its nice having the extra money from working, I have my figure back etc etc etc..... excuses excuses! This is what scares me. I hear all these stories about how you just become a mom and that's it, no more, wife, lover, friend, just MOM. We are emotionally stable and have a lot to offer but thinking about kids scares me. I'm almost afraid I would regret it I am not just "Mom"- I still have a good social life, admittedly its mostly with other parents because luckily most of my close friends have children the same age as my daughter, but we don't just talk baby stuff. I work, I take time for myself. H and I make time for ourselves as a couple too. Its not always easy, especially at the beginning, but it can be done. I don't think you would regret it. Someone told me the other day that she is having a stressful time with her teenagers- and she told me to enjoy every minute of the early years, because they are so uncomplicated! On the other hand- I can also see why people choose to remain child free, but IMO those people are much more definite in their decision. Thank you for sharing your experience Stung I would be a SAHM for about 2 years. The way I picture motherhood for me is getting up, feeding baby and myself then going out to the park, then a yoga class for me (gym has baby sitting area) then off to the farmers market, some play time with baby, followed by making dinner and picking up around the house. I would also get involved in a local mom group where we would plan activities with the moms and kids to get some adult and kid time. During the weekends hubby and I would take the baby to the zoo, aquarium and on hikes. My parents would gladly take the baby for a weekend a month and for an evening or two so that hubby and I could have adult time. I envision this active life style for us and the baby. However, this seems too easy and possibly not realistic? I don't know. I do see groups of moms with their babies at cafes during the day chatting and laughing. I also know that my husband would be an amazing father. You know, some of my days are like this now, definitely more than at the beginning! My mother and baby group were my lifeline and we still meet once a fortnight- some of them have become really close friends. We share babysitting etc. You didn't include baby sleeps in there and most of my day has to be tailored around my daughters sleep times because I like her to have at least one sleep a day in her bed. Sometimes its in the car or the buggy though, thats OK. Our days aren't on a rigid timetable so we get out most days for a walk, I go to the gym sometimes and drop wonderbaby off at the creche. In the weekends we take her swimming or to the park or the beach- she is too little (1) to really appreciate too much more. My key advice is to not expect to get too much done in a day! I used to be a power-tasker that could get lots of things done in a day, and I wasn't so good at doing nothing. Now, on some days if we walk the dog and get a couple of household chores done its a good day, other days we can get more done- and being flexible and adaptable really helps. Example- cancelling plans with other mums because your child is sick and you don't want the other kids to catch it, or not going to the shops because she hardly slept in the morning and really needs to sleep in the afternoon because she is grouchy etc etc. And some days when my daughter sleeps I do too, or I read a book or watch TV to get me time and I don't feel guilty for it! (anymore) I used to try and do lots of jobs and make dinner etc etc, but I have lowered my standards slightly in the areas of house tidiness and dinner complexity and things are just fine.
sb129 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 The only fear of yours that I can hopefully help to alleviate is loving your baby. Think of the Grinch cartoon where his heart grew and grew. This will be your heart and the love you bear for your child. It's indescribable, truly indescribable! Absolutely. As I said, my love and patience with my daughter stretches further than I ever thought possible. As far as babies being difficult, Bump's been an absolute dream. Part is genetics, luck of the draw and how relaxed everyone in the household is. We're all pretty calm people so Bump responds to this. I've noticed when he's in an upset or angry environment, he acts up. Same here- with the amount of stress I had during my pregnancy I was really worried that I would have a stressed baby and that I would be a stressed out mother, but again, I have (pleasantly) surprised myself with how relaxed I am. WB is a chilled out kid, and while I think genetics and luck do play a part, I am quite happy to take a weeeee bit of credit for it! We've been incredibly blessed with our little man who's so easy going with no health problems, not even a minor cold. No one's been sick in our little household and I'm a holy terror about keeping him away from anyone sick, as well as making sure everyone washes their hands before touching him. They have to get a teeny bit sick sometimes TBF! Its good for their immunity. That said, we have been pretty lucky thus far too. The one time she was sick was horrible. Our mother and baby group are pretty good at keeping sick children away from meet ups. As far as being a SAHM for 2 years, I would caution you away from this. It's brain defeating to the degree of numbness, deathly numbness. Consider working part-time. I would agree with this. I love being at home for a few days at a time, and I stay home the first half of the week, but by the time wednesday rolls around I am looking forward to getting to work for a change of scene. By the end of the week i am looking forward to being at home. I am lucky that I have such a flexible job that enables me to have such a good balance.
threebyfate Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 They have to get a teeny bit sick sometimes TBF! Its good for their immunity.Pretty much everyone, including Nanny says I'm going overboard but he's just 5 months today. Next month will be copious amounts of socializing with all the Christmas things going on, as well as it being the time for bugs so I don't think there will be a choice. And 6 months is a good time when his little (Little? He's a little brute. I've got some clear arm and shoulder definition from carrying him! ) body will be stronger. We're stocked up on Infant Tylenol, saline solution, a digi-thermometer and also have a baby nose syringe. That said, we have been pretty lucky thus far too. The one time she was sick was horrible. Our mother and baby group are pretty good at keeping sick children away from meet ups.Well that's good, that other mother's are being so considerate.
sb129 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Actually- yeah, 5mths is still pretty little to get sick, I can appreciate your vigilance. Here we have the second round of vaccines at 5mths, and I remember being careful especially before WB had had those. Is Bump still too little for the "put everything I can get my hands on into my mouth" stage? Its is easier to manage than the "i can now move to get things and then put them in my mouth" stage. I think the immunity levels increase exponentially then! I am sure dog biscuits count, don't they? My "baby" is a 12kg lump who still hasn't realised that walking is a better way to get around than crawling or being carried by mummy. Snap to the shoulder definition!
threebyfate Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 We've finished two rounds already, with the third round next month. What I can't wait for is the one year shots for MMR and chickenpox. Then I'll feel more safe. He's been putting things in his mouth since he was 2 months old. With rolling, he can now reach more yummy items. Icky! Haha...we'll all be Charles Atlas, able to carry the world on our shoulders!
TaraMaiden Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 The big question is not whether to have a child or not. The Big Question - Is WHY. Are you asking me for my reasons why I would want one? I'm asking why, in this day and age, why people WANT children. And I'm not looking for emotive or biologically-fuelled motives. I'm asking from an entirely logical and sensible, far-seeing point of view. I would still be interested in your answer....
sb129 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Is it possible to give an answer that isn't biologically or emotionally fuelled? Especially, as in my case, when you already have a child?
threebyfate Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Taramaiden, why did you have children and do you regret them?
worlybear Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Are women ever 100% sure that they want to have a child? I am not getting pregnant any time soon but we plan on having kids in the future. What worries me is that I don't always feel sure about having a child. I get excited about having a baby with my husband, and teaching them things, taking them places and growing as a family. However I also get so scared about how it can change your life forever, or me not being patient or liking the baby (I know the last one isn't rational). Do these fears mean that I'm not cut out to be a mom? My husband and I can afford to have a baby, we own a home and have a happy and stable home environment. We also have families that would love for us to have a baby. All that stuff is in order but I find bringing a child in to this world so terrifying! I'm 27 and if we decide on kids we would probably start trying in a couple years. My husband isn't pressuring me or anything like that, I'm just trying to understand my feelings on the topic. Can any LS moms share their experience or give me any advice? Yep! "Borrow a friend's/relative's baby for at least a weekend when he/she is teething.....and see how it goes! Then imagine that scenario 24/7!
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