Comforting

[Tiberius]

Do some abusers cause discomfort to their victims, so they can comfort them? Is this a known pattern?

[ShatteredReality]

Why kind of discomfort do you mean? Emotional control is one of the many tools used by abusers...if they can keep you dependent upon them for emotional support you are less likely to leave when they abuse you...

[Tiberius]

My girlfriend is an avid bodybuilder and martial artist. She always was kind of dominant. She wanted to try penetration with my and did. It was uncomfortable and she comforted me while staying inside me. I gradually got used to it. One time she held me down and put on something I didnt see. It was a lot bigger and somewhat painfull, even if she just kept it in me without trusting. She just held me like that petted and kissed me and whiped my tears (I got a little).

 

So yeah she can tell I am uncomfortable, yet she does it although she is being carefull and comforts me with her words and actions or tries to.

Edited November 16, 2010 by Tiberius

[theBrokenMuse]

My girlfriend is an avid bodybuilder and martial artist. She always was kind of dominant. She wanted to try penetration with my and did. It was uncomfortable and she comforted me while staying inside me. I gradually got used to it. One time she held me down and put on something I didnt see. It was a lot bigger and somewhat painfull, even if she just kept it in me without trusting. She just held me like that petted and kissed me and whiped my tears (I got a little).

 

So yeah she can tell I am uncomfortable, yet she does it although she is being carefull and comforts me with her words and actions or tries to.

It does not sound like she enjoys comforting you as much as she enjoys knowing that she can maintain control over you in situations where she has the power to cause you pain. Have you tried telling her you aren't going to participate in that kind of act anymore because you don't enjoy it?

[ShatteredReality]

I'm with the Broken Muse - she is only comforting you enough to keep you doing it. She prefers to control you and it seems to get her off knowing you will do whatever she likes. It would be best if you openly communicate to her that you don't like it...tell her you don't want to do it any longer. Chances are that's going to upset her some because it's you taking control of something of your own. But, if you stick to your guns, you might actually garner some respect from her for it.

[Vesna]

I dated a guy for six weeks and he caused me inconvenience more than discomfort. For example he used clear nail varnish to seal my cosmetic jars shut in order for me to ask him to open them, thus i needed him.

 

It was Stockholm Syndrome on a very juvenille level.

[Tiberius]

Well I did resist but she seems to enjoy being able to physically control me with her strentgh and skill too.

[ShatteredReality]

So - are you saying she forces you to do these things? If you tell her you don't want to she still makes you?

[Tiberius]

Yes pretty much.

[ShatteredReality]

Ok...well then...it seems like you need to really sit her down and tell her. Not in the moment- cause that won't work. Outside of the moment of whatever she's choosing to make you do. You say you need to talk and then you tell her - "I don't like when you hurt me while we make love. You do it too often and it's TOO painful. It needs to stop. We need to find a middle ground" something like that. See how she reacts. Obviously if she doesn't listen that is a big problem. You will have to decide how you want to handle that from there. Have you always been a sub? I have heard that extreme Doms can be very abusive to their subs. That could also play into it...if she's always been an aggressive Dom this just may be who she is, at which point you Have to decide if you're going to continue putting up with it or if you are going to find a way to detach yourself from the situation....It's the choice all abusees have to make...and it's often the hardest one we ever make.

Edited November 24, 2010 by ShatteredReality
spelling error changed meaning of sentence

[Tiberius]

Not always I used to like the kind of girl I met at yoga classes better. At first I felt it was weird that she was so tall muscular and chiseled, but I also liked what she was able to do not just because of her strentgh.

[ShatteredReality]

Well then, sounds like you need to decide if you're going to keep letting her do those things to you or make her stop. Sometimes the only way we can make a person stop is by walking away and not giving them the freedom to do anything to us anymore. Other times, they can be reasoned with. There is always couples counselling too. Just kinda depends on how you want to deal with things.

[Tiberius]

I know I have to. I just feel so trapped. At first being with her was kind of unusual, now I feel like my preference has changed and that I like being with a strong muscular woman better. But I guess I wouldnt be the first person who has a hard time leaving for various reasons.

[theBrokenMuse]

At first being with her was kind of unusual, now I feel like my preference has changed and that I like being with a strong muscular woman better

There are plenty of muscular women who aren't sadists and will actually give a damn about your feelings or you can stay with someone who enjoys hurting you for the thrill it gives them... Personally, I would head for the hills NOW before her behavior gets any worse because when that stops giving her that sense of accomplishment she may move on to doing things that really up the ante.

[Tiberius]

There are plenty of muscular women who aren't sadists and will actually give a damn about your feelings or you can stay with someone who enjoys hurting you for the thrill it gives them... Personally, I would head for the hills NOW before her behavior gets any worse because when that stops giving her that sense of accomplishment she may move on to doing things that really up the ante.

 

Well she is about the first one I saw life, and not on the Internet or TV at least to that degree. I never looked for that kind of woman before, but it gradually grew on me. Not being very strong myself and being flexible from yoga maybe from an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense for me to like that kind of woman, but id rather not be confined of types who are so rare.

 

Good point I never considered that she might get worse.