Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

[Teknoe]

100th reply in thread, this is my 900th post, and this thread is about see 310,000 hits (WTH, lol, seriously now...)

 

Just wanted to add in real quick... it's funny how seasons can change. Funny how you can be so hung up on someone only to forget and move on after a certain amount of time.

 

My latest girl friend that I'm finding a good connection with is T. My friendship with her is a bit reminiscent of how things were with E. I'm trying not to overanalyze with T, but the more we spend time together the more my feelings are developing. Humph. And so the cycle of life goes.

 

Goes to show you, when one passes, another shall come. I wouldn't be surprised if T passes out of my life a year from now, and then in comes J. It's the cycle of life.

[The Straightener]

100th reply in thread, this is my 900th post, and this thread is about see 310,000 hits (WTH, lol, seriously now...)

 

Just wanted to add in real quick... it's funny how seasons can change. Funny how you can be so hung up on someone only to forget and move on after a certain amount of time.

 

My latest girl friend that I'm finding a good connection with is T. My friendship with her is a bit reminiscent of how things were with E. I'm trying not to overanalyze with T, but the more we spend time together the more my feelings are developing. Humph. And so the cycle of life goes.

 

Goes to show you, when one passes, another shall come. I wouldn't be surprised if T passes out of my life a year from now, and then in comes J. It's the cycle of life.

 

If that does happen, would you think that the friendship/relationship didn't go as well with T because you didn't do this or that or would you just see it as well "this person was here for a special period of time but that time is now over", you know sort of like fate. Like she wasn't meant to be a friend/lover for a long period of time, so just let her go?

[Teknoe]

If that does happen, would you think that the friendship/relationship didn't go as well with T because you didn't do this or that or would you just see it as well "this person was here for a special period of time but that time is now over", you know sort of like fate. Like she wasn't meant to be a friend/lover for a long period of time, so just let her go?

 

 

Great question! My answer is simple: fate. Or, it is what it is. I have no telling right now whether she'll be a friend for life, or a season. No one has anyway to know in the moment, after all. If she does leave or I do, though, then you take it in stride and chalk it up to life being life.

 

Only a certain special small handful of friends stick with you for a lifetime. And if you can find even just one or two, consider yourself highly blessed.

 

As for T, I'm doing my best to pull away. I can already see myself dangerously getting attached to her. I can't help but do this all the time... everytime. The second an attractive girl and I start talking a lot and connecting... I get attached. It's probably some deep-seated void that I need therapy about... it happens without fail every single time. The funny thing is, the girl is usually taken, which allows me an "out" and leaves me with no pressure, but then I'm always stuck in-between. I can't be their BF... I can only be their good male buddy.

[FredRutherford]

As for T, I'm doing my best to pull away. I can already see myself dangerously getting attached to her. I can't help but do this all the time... everytime.

 

The second an attractive girl and I start talking a lot and connecting... I get attached. It's probably some deep-seated void that I need therapy about... it happens without fail every single time. The funny thing is, the girl is usually taken, which allows me an "out" and leaves me with no pressure, but then I'm always stuck in-between. I can't be their BF... I can only be their good male buddy.

Hey, Tek, I know what you're sayin. Have been there.

It's so easy to get your expectations too high.

Then when the inevitable happens, you're crushed.

 

 

You do know about No Contact and being Non-Chalant in dating?

 

I think acting nonchalant or indifferent could help you and could be a good strategy for any man or woman pursuing a relationship.

 

Here are some good resources on nonchalance and no contact..dramallama's relationship/breaking up/no contact advice threads

 

This thread on "Nonchalance is your friend" explains the benefits of playing it cool, not acting like this other person you're dating is "the one," acting like you can live without him or her, etc.

Non-Chalance Is Your Friend...

Nonchalance is Your Friend

 

It's a big long thread, but when I read it, I saw myself in many of the posts there.

Am sure you will see yourself and your actions toward women.

 

 

So the person you're dating gets upset about something and tells you he or she's not ready for this?

Just get up and walk away. Men and women are often attracted to what they don't have. The push-pull theory.

 

Guys, please read through it and learn some things that might help you.

[Teknoe]

Hey, Tek, I know what you're sayin. Have been there.

It's so easy to get your expectations too high.

Then when the inevitable happens, you're crushed.

 

T is flat out weird. So mid-week my conscience took over and I shot her a quick email double checking if it was cool with her BF as I know different guys have different sensitivity levels about guy friends crashing at their GF's. Her reply

 

---

 

yeah, it's been on my calendar so he knows yoru coming and hasn't voiced any concerns. kinda just accepts it. haha, he better, anyway.

 

---

 

It seemed funky. Almost like she didn't tell him (directly). Her wording is pretty ambiguous. The next day she shoots me this email

 

---

 

SIGH.

 

sorry dude, change of plans. i guess boyfriend is not cool with you crashing as i previously thought.

 

apparently, boyfriend thought you were Tek my cousin from LA (whose name is also Tek). so he was ok with seeing it on calendar. he asked today why my cousin was driving up, which led to this whole thing about it not being okay.

 

bummer. i really need to get this guy to relax. sorry it didn't work out, and sorry i told you so late.

 

 

---

 

So I didn't crash. Fine with me. In the end, I just couldn't bring myself to doing it without the BF being cool with it. At this point I've already accepted she's going to be a friend and nothing more.

 

The story continues when she sends me a text Saturday afternoon at 1 PM. It said

 

---

 

Hey you should stop by my apt today. You can pick up the alphabet cards (BTW, I had no idea what alphabet cards she was talking about... that's how obscure it was... ended up being something I mentioned to her one month ago that I wanted)

 

---

 

I didn't get to respond until 2:45 though. I wrote back "What ABC cards? I just got done with something. Are you still home?"

 

She didn't reply. So I ended up driving home. Saw she was on my chat list, so I hit her up. She was distracted because normally her replies are quick. I asked her if I could pick it up later or if she was doing anything tonight. She was non-committal ("I dunno") so I didn't push it any further.

 

Then I sent her an email late Saturday night if she could help me out Sunday with something, and she didn't reply. So I called her Sunday afternoon when I didn't get an email reply back, and it went straight to voice mail, which was full.

 

So weird. She initiated and asked me to come over Saturday, but after I replied a little late, she has been MIA for the most part.

 

I don't know what happened. She went from hot to cold. I was surprised when I saw her text Saturday afternoon. She wanted me to come over to pick something so obscure up that I could get any other time. It was so obscure that I had to ask her to clarify what alphabet cards? And then she goes MIA on me. Trippy girl. Probably for the best. I can't get involved physically or emotionally with this girl, no matter how tempting she may be. She knows how to leave a bro in suspense though.

[The Straightener]

Great question! My answer is simple: fate. Or, it is what it is. I have no telling right now whether she'll be a friend for life, or a season. No one has anyway to know in the moment, after all. If she does leave or I do, though, then you take it in stride and chalk it up to life being life.

 

Only a certain special small handful of friends stick with you for a lifetime. And if you can find even just one or two, consider yourself highly blessed.

 

As for T, I'm doing my best to pull away. I can already see myself dangerously getting attached to her. I can't help but do this all the time... everytime. The second an attractive girl and I start talking a lot and connecting... I get attached. It's probably some deep-seated void that I need therapy about... it happens without fail every single time. The funny thing is, the girl is usually taken, which allows me an "out" and leaves me with no pressure, but then I'm always stuck in-between. I can't be their BF... I can only be their good male buddy.

 

 

Yeah, I can see how that happens. That's happened to me in the past too. So when the next one comes along I act cool. Possibly too cool for too long of a period of time for something to ever come out of it.

 

T is flat out weird. So mid-week my conscience took over and I shot her a quick email double checking if it was cool with her BF as I know different guys have different sensitivity levels about guy friends crashing at their GF's. Her reply

 

---

 

yeah, it's been on my calendar so he knows yoru coming and hasn't voiced any concerns. kinda just accepts it. haha, he better, anyway.

 

---

 

It seemed funky. Almost like she didn't tell him (directly). Her wording is pretty ambiguous. The next day she shoots me this email

 

---

 

SIGH.

 

sorry dude, change of plans. i guess boyfriend is not cool with you crashing as i previously thought.

 

apparently, boyfriend thought you were Tek my cousin from LA (whose name is also Tek). so he was ok with seeing it on calendar. he asked today why my cousin was driving up, which led to this whole thing about it not being okay.

 

bummer. i really need to get this guy to relax. sorry it didn't work out, and sorry i told you so late.

 

 

---

 

So I didn't crash. Fine with me. In the end, I just couldn't bring myself to doing it without the BF being cool with it. At this point I've already accepted she's going to be a friend and nothing more.

 

The story continues when she sends me a text Saturday afternoon at 1 PM. It said

 

---

 

Hey you should stop by my apt today. You can pick up the alphabet cards (BTW, I had no idea what alphabet cards she was talking about... that's how obscure it was... ended up being something I mentioned to her one month ago that I wanted)

 

---

 

I didn't get to respond until 2:45 though. I wrote back "What ABC cards? I just got done with something. Are you still home?"

 

She didn't reply. So I ended up driving home. Saw she was on my chat list, so I hit her up. She was distracted because normally her replies are quick. I asked her if I could pick it up later or if she was doing anything tonight. She was non-committal ("I dunno") so I didn't push it any further.

 

Then I sent her an email late Saturday night if she could help me out Sunday with something, and she didn't reply. So I called her Sunday afternoon when I didn't get an email reply back, and it went straight to voice mail, which was full.

 

So weird. She initiated and asked me to come over Saturday, but after I replied a little late, she has been MIA for the most part.

 

I don't know what happened. She went from hot to cold. I was surprised when I saw her text Saturday afternoon. She wanted me to come over to pick something so obscure up that I could get any other time. It was so obscure that I had to ask her to clarify what alphabet cards? And then she goes MIA on me. Trippy girl. Probably for the best. I can't get involved physically or emotionally with this girl, no matter how tempting she may be. She knows how to leave a bro in suspense though.

 

 

She seems to be a user already at this stage of the friendship. If her bf isn't paying attention to her, then you have to be the one. if you don't get back to her quickly, then bye bye to you for the time being. That's the one thing i really hate about being friendly with women with bf's.

[Teknoe]

^ Yeah, but to her credit she's helped me out early in the friendship without me necessarily helping her. I do know she told me that she appreciates words of affirmation. Whenever she's reached out to me, I have rejected her or haven't been there for her.

 

So to be fair, I think I had my share of slip-ups. Sigh. The funny thing is, when it's happening, you don't realize how much you value it. Only when you look back, or once it's gone, do you realize how "special" it was.

 

When she offered me to sleep over for example... not everyday a pretty girl asks me to crash the night at her place. In the moment, I was naive and "Oh it's fine, I'll sleep at home." I didn't jump, and now I regret it somewhat. Just left wondering what could have been, ya know? Not sexually, but just in terms of getting to know each other better.

 

Coz now if she asked me to sleep over, I'd jump at it, but she likely won't ever again. With her it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I didn't realize at the moment that there would not be another time.

 

I'm struggling to process this because she has a BF. I don't know. Still fighting to get over this episode.

 

As for E, we talked for a bit last week on IM. I'm completely over her. Now I'm hung up on this new girl. Haha. I hope one day I am able to beat this cycle. I think I just look for love in all the wrong places...

[1122RedLady]

I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.

 

I emailed to apologize and she forgave me.

 

However, our last two chats I can sense a huge difference. It looks like I've lost her trust because she takes a while to respond and now her response is pretty generic. It's a stark contrast to the old way she talked with me.

 

I don't get it... I always see other guys mess up (some times bigger mess ups) but they always recover with the friend or girlfriend. For me, when I mess up once, it seems the relationship is damaged forever. I don't know why. I hate it. Why don't I get the same 2nd chances others seem to always get?

 

I regret offending her... I don't know if it'll take her time or if she really will close me off from now to the end of time. She was a good friend whom I could share anything with. I know sometimes I can be too sarcastic for my own good... she knows I didn't mean to offend her but no matter since I still did.

 

Girls, any insights/similar stories here? I always seem to somehow make one mistake with my closest girl friends, and it always changes the relationship for the worse. I'm def. still learning.

Looks like you may have some impulse control issues. Many men have this and find women who put up with it. However if you chose to stop it and want to learn more how to speak respectively, those skills can be learned in therapy. it doesn't sound like the worst 'crime' I've ever heard..unless there are other things going on. If that is your worst trait, you are probably a nice guy that just needs a little polishing..many of us women are very sensitive with long memories, unfortunately. by he way, by husband would rarely talk that way to me.

[Teknoe]

Huh.

 

Funny how life can be in a cycle many times.

 

So, I've told E in the past month about this new girl I've been having issues with.

 

Last night I decided to text E asking if she would be so kind as to pray for me. She said yes and that we can chat later about my issues.

 

I just emailed her asking if she would like to meet up in person over coffee. Just really would like to talk it out with a good friend... especially her. It'd be a good cleansing type session for me I think.

 

So we'll see what she says. If she's free to, or skits around it. I'll know soon enough. The last time we saw each other was February 2011, which feels like eons ago.

 

I'm hoping to meet up with her, as I think it may be a good way to get rid of some demons so to speak. But I'm also prepared for her to say something like "Sorry, real busy, but we can chat online about it."

 

Like I said, I'll know soon enough where she's at. I've been bothered and struggling with the new girl and how a seemingly close friendship suddenly became so quiet and non-existent. It's been messing me up a bit and I just need a really good old friend, like E, to talk it out with.

 

we'll see what takes place. thanks for reading. and if you feel so inclined, please say a quick prayer for me that i may be able to move on and maintain a healthy frame of mind. thanks in advance.

[Teknoe]

huh... life sure is unpredictable.

 

What I thought would happen: E would reply within 24 hours and say "OK sounds good. Let's meet up Thursday at ___" (especially since she is out of work currently, so I know she has SOME/a lot of free time)

 

What happened:

 

E has yet to reply. AND T and I reconnected just earlier tonight. She was on my chat list and I thought what the hell. I asked her a school related question, and right away we were back firing on all cylinders. As if... we never stopped talking to begin with. It was so weird, but that's the kind of odd relationship I feel we have. Whenever we talk, it's like we've known each other since junior high.

 

We ended up talking for well over 90 minutes. Good talk. Good banter. She returned to her more engaged answers. It was... weird.

 

It was almost like she was waiting for me to make the initial gesture... because once I did she started pouring out updates to me. I still can't make her out, but this time I hope to just quit overanalyzing. I find that's when I most often get in trouble.

 

So far in my life, outside of one time, it seems when I play it cool, girls like me as the nice guy friend. When I get too forward, I tend to get very mechanical, and that good-natured back and forth becomes a little awkward and stilted. I'll try to stay casual.

[FredRutherford]

So, I've told E in the past month about this new girl I've been having issues with.

 

Last night I decided to text E asking if she would be so kind as to pray for me. She said yes and that we can chat later about my issues.

 

I just emailed her asking if she would like to meet up in person over coffee. Just really would like to talk it out with a good friend... especially her. It'd be a good cleansing type session for me I think.

 

So we'll see what she says. If she's free to, or skits around it. I'll know soon enough. The last time we saw each other was February 2011, which feels like eons ago.

 

I'm hoping to meet up with her, as I think it may be a good way to get rid of some demons so to speak.

But I'm also prepared for her to say something like "Sorry, real busy, but we can chat online about it."

 

Like I said, I'll know soon enough where she's at. I've been bothered and struggling with the new girl and how a seemingly close friendship suddenly became so quiet and non-existent. It's been messing me up a bit and I just need a really good old friend, like E, to talk it out with.

For Pete's sake, man, you're almost letting this woman control you... and your self-confidence.

 

So far in my life, outside of one time, it seems when I play it cool, girls like me as the nice guy friend. When I get too forward, I tend to get very mechanical, and that good-natured back and forth becomes a little awkward and stilted. I'll try to stay casual.

Good advice, Tek.

You're obviously into her too much and she senses it.

 

Playing it cool has its advantages.

People like trying for things that seem outta reach.

You're there pursuing her and she's not expressing (much) interest.

 

This posting and the others posts you made show you're investing way too much in this woman. Let it go.

 

Please read the threads I pointed to you on non-chalance.

Nonchalance is Your Friend

 

In acting "non-chalant" or cool, not acting like this other person you're dating is "the one," acting like you can live without him or her, etc., you safeguard your emotions and not become too reliant on the other, who clearly isn't reciprocating.

 

That means dropping the contact.

Let her approach you once in a while.

Women are different from us, Tek.

Christian woman she may be, but she's still a woman and it takes some skills to handle them.

 

That non-chalant thread is a big long thread, and not one I started, but imagine you'll see yourself in some of the situations like I saw myself.

 

Please, Tek, read it and learn how to try to improve your actions toward women.

[Teknoe]

^ Thanks for your help. Yeah, nonchalance is important. Seems when I get too caught up in a girl, things become too mechanical and it can get a little forced/awkward.

 

Final update on E... we had a nice long chat last night... in which I ended up telling her as casually as possible: "In hindsight, and don't take this weird or the wrong way, but I wouldn't have minded dating you back in 2010"

 

Her response?

 

"Haha... don't worry, I'm not weirded out at all."

 

Me thinking... WHAT?! Did she like me that way in 2010???

 

Then she dropped this:

 

"But I would have been weirded out if you told me this in 2010" (i.e. that I liked her)

 

damn, lol. well, i guess it helps to provide closure knowing even if I asked her out in 2010, she likely would have said no. I guess she always just saw me as a friend.

 

I told her "see, i'm just the guy friend to all girls."

 

then she said "no. you just have to find an open minded gal... someone who will ask questions to find out more about a person and i think she can't have too strong opinions"

 

anyway, it was an interesting chat, and helped me gain some closure on the whole E episode. Onwards!

 

nowadays I'm far too content being single, lol. i'm just happy being alone, and also don't want to face rejection during this season. i truly believe i'll know what to do when i meet the right one... it won't be perfect but it'll happen for me someday.

[Achika Bell]

This is an amazing thread but pretty much confirmed my fears and doubts.

 

Having to let someone go that you care about...

 

It is almost like you were living my life back in 2010 and now I am trying to salvage what is left of something which is turning into nothing. Using the same letter "E".... watching some of the same movies and experiencing some of the same situations...

 

I signed up for this forum just to say this.

 

I am in the early stages you went through, just clinging on to someone who doesn't want me around. My pinky is clutching onto whatever is left of any thread of a friendship. It was my fault and my fault alone. I can't say sorry enough. Trying to send out any form of communication I can just to try. It is slipping away. She was into someone else and I didn't respect that and I let it all hang out. I went on a hope and a prayer and landed face first in the dirt. I tried to be a good friend, but my feelings got in the way and ruined it all.

 

How I wish I could go back but then I think I would just be in a worse state, watching the person I care about with someone else thinking how selfishly I could do things better or whatever. Not taking into account her own feelings. I blew it...

 

I cried over it because I knew what I lost. I have never cried that hard at something like that, it almost scared me.

 

I hope God does have a plan for me, because right now I feel like I am in an empty room with no walls looking at a horizon that doesn't end. No one is with me and I don't know which way to go.

[Teknoe]

This is an amazing thread but pretty much confirmed my fears and doubts.

 

Having to let someone go that you care about...

 

It is almost like you were living my life back in 2010 and now I am trying to salvage what is left of something which is turning into nothing. Using the same letter "E".... watching some of the same movies and experiencing some of the same situations...

 

I signed up for this forum just to say this.

 

I am in the early stages you went through, just clinging on to someone who doesn't want me around. My pinky is clutching onto whatever is left of any thread of a friendship. It was my fault and my fault alone. I can't say sorry enough. Trying to send out any form of communication I can just to try. It is slipping away. She was into someone else and I didn't respect that and I let it all hang out. I went on a hope and a prayer and landed face first in the dirt. I tried to be a good friend, but my feelings got in the way and ruined it all.

 

How I wish I could go back but then I think I would just be in a worse state, watching the person I care about with someone else thinking how selfishly I could do things better or whatever. Not taking into account her own feelings. I blew it...

 

I cried over it because I knew what I lost. I have never cried that hard at something like that, it almost scared me.

 

I hope God does have a plan for me, because right now I feel like I am in an empty room with no walls looking at a horizon that doesn't end. No one is with me and I don't know which way to go.

 

Achika Bell,

First of all, I'm glad this thread touched you enough in a way as to register and share with me your trials and tribulations. I appreciated you opening up and enjoyed reading your thoughts.

 

Secondly, I'm sorry for the pain you are going through, but know that this experience will only make you stronger. It's hard to believe, but right now it feels all crappy and like the sun won't ever "shine again" (metaphorically speaking), but trust me, it all passes and fades with time. On the bright side, E and I still talk once in a blue moon, but I always have to initiate, and quite frankly, I don't think I'll be initiating much contact with her going forward. She came into my life to teach me a lesson, and her reason for showing up has now come and gone. You learn to accept it over time... maybe even embrace it. It all depends on what you do with the rest of your life. Me, I got hired full time and my life took on a new focus.

 

To be honest, 2010 feels like a lifetime ago... and I never look back with regret now. I am too busy in the present (a 50 hour work week will do that to you in a hurry!) and plus, I really believe time heals all wounds. What is big and OMG one year is three years later "MEH."

 

It's the cycle of life. You will get through this. It too shall pass. Trust me.

 

Peace and blessings to you

[WordvAction]

Achika Bell,

First of all, I'm glad this thread touched you enough in a way as to register and share with me your trials and tribulations. I appreciated you opening up and enjoyed reading your thoughts.

 

Secondly, I'm sorry for the pain you are going through, but know that this experience will only make you stronger. It's hard to believe, but right now it feels all crappy and like the sun won't ever "shine again" (metaphorically speaking), but trust me, it all passes and fades with time. On the bright side, E and I still talk once in a blue moon, but I always have to initiate, and quite frankly, I don't think I'll be initiating much contact with her going forward. She came into my life to teach me a lesson, and her reason for showing up has now come and gone. You learn to accept it over time... maybe even embrace it. It all depends on what you do with the rest of your life. Me, I got hired full time and my life took on a new focus.

 

To be honest, 2010 feels like a lifetime ago... and I never look back with regret now. I am too busy in the present (a 50 hour work week will do that to you in a hurry!) and plus, I really believe time heals all wounds. What is big and OMG one year is three years later "MEH."

 

It's the cycle of life. You will get through this. It too shall pass. Trust me.

 

Peace and blessings to you

 

This is pretty much right on the money. Isn't it funny how events that seem so large to you that you think may consume your life at one moment are minor and even laughable later on down the road?

[Mantha03]

Sometimes things are better left unsaid. We really have to think before we say things because once you change things it's very hard to get it back. If she doesn't return as a friend take something learned from this experience. When you really value a friendship or relationship keep in mind words do hurt and some people are more sensitive to sarcasm than you may be. I know because my best friend is very sarcastic and has no filters she rubs people the wrong way on a daily basis. Lately she's rubbed me the wrong way a little too much so I have been taking time away from her. I don't plan on severing ties but what you say can really make or break a friendship. Good luck and try not to take it too personally.

[FredRutherford]

This is an amazing thread but pretty much confirmed my fears and doubts.

 

Having to let someone go that you care about...

 

It is almost like you were living my life back in 2010 and now I am trying to salvage what is left of something which is turning into nothing. Using the same letter "E".... watching some of the same movies and experiencing some of the same situations...

 

I signed up for this forum just to say this.

 

I am in the early stages you went through, just clinging on to someone who doesn't want me around. My pinky is clutching onto whatever is left of any thread of a friendship. It was my fault and my fault alone. I can't say sorry enough. Trying to send out any form of communication I can just to try. It is slipping away. She was into someone else and I didn't respect that and I let it all hang out. I went on a hope and a prayer and landed face first in the dirt. I tried to be a good friend, but my feelings got in the way and ruined it all.

 

How I wish I could go back but then I think I would just be in a worse state, watching the person I care about with someone else thinking how selfishly I could do things better or whatever. Not taking into account her own feelings. I blew it...

 

I cried over it because I knew what I lost. I have never cried that hard at something like that, it almost scared me.

 

I hope God does have a plan for me, because right now I feel like I am in an empty room with no walls looking at a horizon that doesn't end. No one is with me and I don't know which way to go.

Reading this is painful and Tek saw his situation in your's.

Also, please note this kind of thing happens with women too, but women seem to have an upper hand in this kind of thing.

I know most of you guys aren't players and are really looking for a relationship, but there comes a pt. to where you need to sense the signals and move on....

 

Been there, done that.

That's one reason in my mid- to late 20s I stopped dating the early- and mid-20s gals, who seemed so ambivalent and had many more opportunities

Instead, I looked to the "older gals," the ones who just turned 30 or were in their 30s and maybe sensed time was "running out for them."

Accurately surmised they would be more interested in a relationship than the 20-something gals who seemed to care less about my feelings.

 

Please, read about non-chalance and try to incorporate those things in your dating life.

You will see improvement and feel better about yourself.

 

Nonchalance is Your Friend

[FredRutherford]

Sometimes things are better left unsaid. We really have to think before we say things because once you change things it's very hard to get it back. If she doesn't return as a friend take something learned from this experience. When you really value a friendship or relationship keep in mind words do hurt and some people are more sensitive to sarcasm than you may be. I know because my best friend is very sarcastic and has no filters she rubs people the wrong way on a daily basis. Lately she's rubbed me the wrong way a little too much so I have been taking time away from her. I don't plan on severing ties but what you say can really make or break a friendship. Good luck and try not to take it too personally .

 

Guys,

You're letting these women run your lives !!

 

I don't plan on severing ties but what you say can really make or break a friendship. Good luck and try not to take it too personally.

You don't want to sever ties?

Excuse me... but what choice do you have?

 

She's clearly not interested in you, but still wants to "use" you "as a friend..."

 

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THAT KIND OF FRIEND !!!

 

Break ties immediately... Go no-contact.

Don't initiate contact.

Let HER contact you, if it's that important.

 

You'll soon see how "important' you've been to her....

 

Why not do this?

Start going out with other women, date around, see what happens.

She may take notice (and may not).

Either way, you could find a better relationship.

 

Like that great Frankie Valley & The Four Seasons song said in 1963, in Walk Like a Man,

Walk Like A Man - Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons - YouTube

 

"...My own father said 'give her up, don't bother', the world isn't coming to an end.

He told me, walk like a man, talk like a man, walk like a man, my son.

No woman's worth crawling on the earth, so walk like a man, my son...

....

I'll tell the world, forget about it girl, and walk like a man from you..."

[Teknoe]

This is pretty much right on the money. Isn't it funny how events that seem so large to you that you think may consume your life at one moment are minor and even laughable later on down the road?

 

Indeed indeed. That's because life goes on, and new issues and new attractions enter the picture. As the new comes, the old fades more and more into the background, until it shrinks away completely.

 

The Bible is absolutely right when it says "All things will pass."

 

This too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever... and time has a tendency to heal most wounds... especially if it's something as "small" as a crush not working out. The sudden and shocking death of a child, being raped... in the grand scheme of things all of that is way more severe than "losing touch with your crush/good friend."

 

Life is all about perspective. I laugh at all my past "crush episodes" now. At the time, they seemed so big. Only years later do I realize how small they really were.

[Teknoe]

I'm back after a hiatus.

 

Quick update, E and I haven't talked much since October 2011 when we planned to meet up, but something came up for her, we took a "rain check" and it never happened.

 

I sent her an email about 5 days ago, but she hasn't responded yet. Well, I guess it's over. I dunno why she can't just be straight with me. If she wants me out, she should come out and reply it to me.

 

But I guess I just have to move on finally. Summer 2010 was a long time ago. I think why I'm trying to hang on so much is, she was very close to being a girlfriend. If I pursued her in 2010, we probably would have been.

 

Alas, part of me probably laments that the stars never aligned for that to happen, so to speak, as I was obsessed with A summer 2010, and that ruined the chances of me and E.

 

90,000+ views, wow. This thread's been one heck of a ride.

 

Wow. The post above I wrote Feb. 1, 2012. Nearly one year ago. One year later, I found out the truth. Look at the bold above, and then look at the bold part below

Final update on E... we had a nice long chat last night... in which I ended up telling her as casually as possible: "In hindsight, and don't take this weird or the wrong way, but I wouldn't have minded dating you back in 2010"

 

Her response?

 

"Haha... don't worry, I'm not weirded out at all."

 

Me thinking... WHAT?! Did she like me that way in 2010???

 

Then she dropped this:

 

"But I would have been weirded out if you told me this in 2010" (i.e. that I liked her)

 

damn, lol. well, i guess it helps to provide closure knowing even if I asked her out in 2010, she likely would have said no. I guess she always just saw me as a friend.

 

 

Goes to show you... never assume. Just because a girl makes eye contact with you a lot, laughs at your stupid jokes and spends lots of time with you (in 2010 E did) doesn't mean she likes likes you. She could very well just see you as a comfy friend, which E viewed me as.

 

So, playing Groundhog Day, even if I pursued E back in 2010, it likely wouldn't have worked out. I will take her word for it.

 

And so, the beat marches on. Right now, I am over A, I am over E, I am over M, and I am over T (the last girl that I was hung up on, despite her having a BF already, even if she bitches about him a lot).

 

I'm over it all. I'm INTO freedom and the bachelor's life right now. No worries, no "performances," nada. It comes with its pros and cons of course, but right now I'm learning how to love its pros

 

PS- Nearly a half million views for this thread. Frickin' insane!

[Teknoe]

Thought I give a quick update on Super Bowl Sunday

 

So E and I have not talked since whenever, and quite frankly, I no longer care. I realize since 2010 when our 'riff' initially happened, I was clinging on and it wasn't really a mutual friendship. I did all the contacting, so she was just humoring me. Now, enough time has passed where quite frankly, I don't care if we ever talk again. She has long moved on, and recently, I've come to terms and peace with how it all played out with E. There is someone else out there for me... and if not... then at least I'm not with someone who it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway (E).

 

Now... T... she texted me the other night. She initiated. She had a nightmare and we ended up chatting for 90 minutes online. There was a little "sexual chemistry" perhaps when the conversation got kind of edgy around the witching hour. Nothing serious, but we were going back and forth like we were best friends and as if we talked everyday. I hadn't talked to T in a good while, and out of nowhere, we're chatting again like good friends. I love that. I've always felt like we connect well.

 

But again... I'm happy being single, am not looking and am simply enjoying this season of my life. I'm not gonna settle for any girl.

 

I am in a happy place right now. All the best in your future, E. Thank you for summer 2010.

[Teknoe]

Update time: so... I saw T in person tonight. First time in like 6 months? For the past 6 months we've kept in touch through gchat and texting here and there. We finally had an event to attend together, so we went. It was nice to see her again. I feel like we mesh pretty well as friends.

 

It was supposed to be a whole day affair though, as we wanted to first attend a workshop, then grab lunch and then go see the play, but as it turns out things fell through and so we only saw the play together.

 

Interestingly enough, at the end as we were walking back to our cars she said to me, "Alright, I owe you dinner!" I responded, "Sounds good. Duly noted!"

 

So, looks like we'll get together again at some point. I look forward to hanging out with her again. She's easy/fun to be around, and easy on the eyes as well. We'll see how it goes.

 

As for E, we have pretty much gone our own ways. The funny thing is, whereas I once used to lament it, like crazy, now I am totally like "meh." It's funny how time changes your feelings about certain people and experiences.

 

It was good to see T again tonight. I look forward to my next hang out with her. But, no expectations. It always seems to go better when you come in with no expectations or "visual what ifs" in your mind. Just let it be what it will be...

[todreaminblue]

I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.

 

I emailed to apologize and she forgave me.

 

However, our last two chats I can sense a huge difference. It looks like I've lost her trust because she takes a while to respond and now her response is pretty generic. It's a stark contrast to the old way she talked with me.

 

I don't get it... I always see other guys mess up (some times bigger mess ups) but they always recover with the friend or girlfriend. For me, when I mess up once, it seems the relationship is damaged forever. I don't know why. I hate it. Why don't I get the same 2nd chances others seem to always get?

 

I regret offending her... I don't know if it'll take her time or if she really will close me off from now to the end of time. She was a good friend whom I could share anything with. I know sometimes I can be too sarcastic for my own good... she knows I didn't mean to offend her but no matter since I still did.

 

Girls, any insights/similar stories here? I always seem to somehow make one mistake with my closest girl friends, and it always changes the relationship for the worse. I'm def. still learning.

 

 

Yes, when i am overly sensitive to someone it means i actually do like them i can become hurt very easily.....when honestly i shouldnt, but interacting with someone i am interested in, is awkward for me i become shy...so on top of shyness if i get hints of arrogance or brush offs or insults it plays on my mind and makes me extremely uncomfortable........

 

if a dick insulted me or brushed me off or ignored me i have no reaction, it would rub right off me because i expect it....when i dont expect it......it hurts enough that i reassess what i believed that person has ......i dont pursue conversations where i feel hurt..i avoid that...i expect a dick to behave like one...not someone i class as a good person or true friend.........

 

now i dont know in my situation if I have previously offended this guy i was speaking to...or maybe he had a bad day....or maybe simply put he doesnt give a crap what i say.....even if i have offended him i dont know how i did offend him, probably have numerous times, so i cant fix it.......... i dont trust myself around him anymore and hope he just stays away........ill just do my thing and he can do his..i will not start a conversation ever again..so thats my situation.........similar.....but different....maybe its just that time of month for me........and he messed with an already hormonal head.......which sucks.....I dont like him anymore....ok yes i do a little bit......but i am not opening a conversation with him period......

 

 

note to opening poster.....dont mess with women and assume to know what they want or think...you just will never know...i dont even know half the time what i am on about....land of confusion here....and avoid monthly talks around that time ...stay far far away.....cheers.............deb

[Teknoe]

E's birthday was last week. I emailed her to wish her happy bday and to ask her how life's been treating her. She has yet to replied, which does not shock or bother me greatly. Goes to show/confirm the status of our non-existent friendship at this point.

 

Now T... a very interesting development. Her job place let go and now I'm referring her. We could end up being partners soon. That means we'd see each other 5 days a week, and have to be next to each other/work with one another a lot. We'll see what happens. I'd love to work with her and hope she gets the job. I know we'd have a ball together.

[Teknoe]

100th reply in thread, this is my 900th post, and this thread is about see 310,000 hits (WTH, lol, seriously now...)

 

Just wanted to add in real quick... it's funny how seasons can change. Funny how you can be so hung up on someone only to forget and move on after a certain amount of time.

 

My latest girl friend that I'm finding a good connection with is T. My friendship with her is a bit reminiscent of how things were with E. I'm trying not to overanalyze with T, but the more we spend time together the more my feelings are developing. Humph. And so the cycle of life goes.

 

Goes to show you, when one passes, another shall come. I wouldn't be surprised if T passes out of my life a year from now, and then in comes J. It's the cycle of life.

 

 

Freak me. Freak me, man.

 

It was a prophecy. That post was written September 15, 2012. T and I were tight. She even offered me to crash the night, which I didn't accept. She has a BF, but over time I fell for her.

 

Flash forward not a year later... May 30 2013 and T has basically vanished out of my life. We were going strong but then something I did (I still don't know what exactly) turned her off.

 

Damn. This is a pattern I've developed with the opposite sex that I need to examine. It has a lot to do with me and deep-rooted issues. I should probably seek out a therapist.

 

I've crashed and burned with some crushes like A, E and now T... there is a destructive pattern here, and how I friend zone myself and then become too much for the crush to handle... in terms of boundaries.

 

I'm going to do what it takes to make sure my 30s > my 20s. I turn 30 this summer and my 20s was kind of awkward... had a lot of girl issues. I need to mature in this category.

 

Crap, now this thread title applies to T.

 

Unbelievable.

 

I'm doing something that just isn't working.

 

Sigh.