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[Shorty360]

I cheated on my husband and i am not sure if i love him? I care for him a lot like a best friend but i feel like the passion isn't nor has it ever been there for me in our 4 years of marriage. I feel like we are best friends living as room mates who have a great time together and have grown up together.He knows everything about me better than i know myself. I dont know if our marriage is over? For him he said it seemed as nothing was wrong but for me the connection besides friends isn't there so i dont see the point in saving something that i have no passion for. I do care for him.... I dont know how do i try for something I do not feel is there?

[Eeyore79]

I care for him a lot like a best friend but i feel like the passion isn't nor has it ever been there for me in our 4 years of marriage.

 

If you never felt that the passion was there, why did you marry him in the first place?

[seibert253]

Let him go. He deserves a wife who loves and cherishs him, not a roomate and best friend.

[Bryanp]

I think you need to be honest with your husband and tell him what you did. He should have a say as to whether or not he wishes to remain in the marriage. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want him to be honest with you?

[Art_Critic]

I dont know if our marriage is over?

 

It does sound like it....

[Shorty360]

He knows about it and wants to work it out, but the feelings are not there for me. He says i am being selfish and taking the coward way out but i don't feel emotions for this man. sure i care for him and it hurts me to see him hurt but wouldn't i be selfish if i stayed in this marriage for our 2 yr old daughter and nothing else? He deserves better and right now I just need to work on myself. He says if i cant commit to 100% than its over. Well I cant! I have to work on myself before I can give him 100% of me.

[Fouts]

You can't find passion or chemistry with somoene. It's never been there and never will. Either way you're both living for your child now, so you have to do what's best for them.

[Dexter Morgan]

I cheated on my husband and i am not sure if i love him? I care for him a lot like a best friend but i feel like the passion isn't nor has it ever been there for me in our 4 years of marriage. I feel like we are best friends living as room mates who have a great time together and have grown up together.He knows everything about me better than i know myself. I dont know if our marriage is over?

 

yes, its over. you are not in love with him and betrayed him.

 

set him free from you

 

 

 

For him he said it seemed as nothing was wrong but for me the connection besides friends isn't there so i dont see the point in saving something that i have no passion for. I do care for him.... I dont know how do i try for something I do not feel is there?

 

you don't, set him free so he can find someone else.

[wicar1]

I cheated on my husband and i am not sure if i love him? I care for him a lot like a best friend but i feel like the passion isn't nor has it ever been there for me in our 4 years of marriage. I feel like we are best friends living as room mates who have a great time together and have grown up together.He knows everything about me better than i know myself. I dont know if our marriage is over? For him he said it seemed as nothing was wrong but for me the connection besides friends isn't there so i dont see the point in saving something that i have no passion for. I do care for him.... I dont know how do i try for something I do not feel is there?

 

I agree with Dexter,

 

Let him find someone who loves him and will not cheat. He deserves a better marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Then GO work on yourself. Get counselling.

 

You'll never know if your marriage will work if you don't try. Your H seems to be willing to work it out, not only because of your child, but because he LOVES you.

 

I'm sure that passion and love IS there inside of you, but you've let feelings for another man take over. You've buried what you feel for your H.

 

If you walk away fine, do just that..Just know that one day YOU may regret not giving it your best when you realize the OM isn't who you thought he was. Isn't someone you can rely on during tough times, be there for you no matter what.

 

If you got sick, you think the OM would sit with you? Look after everything for you? If you ended up in the hospital, god forbid, would the OM provide the love and support to you that your husband would?

 

 

My husband has been checking my phone records, is limiting the people i hang out with or the places i go to avoid this situation from happening and to build back trust. We are seeing our pastor for weekly meetings. But i am still unhappy and i dont like being treated like a child.

This is your quote from your other thread.

 

You are being checked upon because of your behaviour. You betrayed your husband and he doesn't trust you anymore, rightfully so. Sorry but you don't have a right to be pissed at him for doing that. HE is the one who's world is now upside down. All the love, respect, faithfulness and trust he had in you is gone because you cheated. HE needs to do this to for himself, and you need to prove to him you can be trustworthy..That is, if you want to save your marriage and reconnect with your H. Sadly from the sounds of it, you're wrapped up in an affair fog and still too attached to the OM.

[bestplayer]

He knows about it and wants to work it out, but the feelings are not there for me. He says i am being selfish and taking the coward way out but i don't feel emotions for this man. sure i care for him and it hurts me to see him hurt but wouldn't i be selfish if i stayed in this marriage for our 2 yr old daughter and nothing else? He deserves better and right now I just need to work on myself. He says if i cant commit to 100% than its over. Well I cant! I have to work on myself before I can give him 100% of me.

 

."........He says if i cant commit to 100% than its over. Well I cant! I have to work on myself before I can give him 100% of me........"

 

 

It doesn't matter what your H says , if you dont love him be honest & let him know you dont love him , have never loved him in past & in fact you are in love with OM . Why dont you tell your H that you would dump him rather than giving up your OM ?

 

Best of luck

[Shorty360]

Thanks guys for all your thoughts. I have decided to try for my marriage but how do i get this OM out of my thoughts. I still really want his friendship but that cant happen. So how do I forget about him. A part of me still wants to know what if but I am not going to act of those emotions but that still doesnt help the fact the emotions are still there... Will they ever go away? He is in my thoughts constantly! What do I do to forget about him if all the thoughts and memories are of good thoughts?

[Steadfast]

 

Thanks guys for all your thoughts. I have decided to try for my marriage but how do i get this OM out of my thoughts. I still really want his friendship but that cant happen. So how do I forget about him. A part of me still wants to know what if but I am not going to act of those emotions but that still doesnt help the fact the emotions are still there... Will they ever go away? He is in my thoughts constantly! What do I do to forget about him if all the thoughts and memories are of good thoughts?

 

 

Bad idea. Divorce your husband and let him find someone he can trust. Someone who loves him for him. Not out of obligation. You don't love him.

[road]

Good that you told your BH

 

No WW will be able to recover her love for her BH as long as she is still seeing the OM

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks guys for all your thoughts. I have decided to try for my marriage but how do i get this OM out of my thoughts.

 

no offense, and I say this with all seriousness, no joke. how do you get OM out of your thoughts? you grow up. I'm not kidding about that either.

 

you realize what you have, focus on that, and quit letting a college sophomore attraction/crush get in the way of the adult matter of being able to be with one person for the rest of your life. new relationships are exciting...the day you decided to get married is the day you decided to quit being immature and dedicate your life to someone else.

 

focus on what you have to lose, maybe that'll give you the smack upside the head you need.

[Schism]

+ 1 for Dexter's response. It's on the mark. It comes across as if you are looking for a reason from us to leave. Not gonna give you that.

 

If more people understood the psychological and physiologic responses to attraction (the "in love experience") they might realize that all of this is chemically driven to make you bond with someone. It's innate. You, dear, are going through a period of withdrawl, and it feels like a greiving of sorts. It's completely natural and the both of you need to allow it to happpen so long as you maintain NC. The feelings will subside over time and then you need to slowly rekindle your relationship with your H.

 

The reason you are not feeling "in love" with your husband is multi faceted. For the most part, the "in love" experience is designed to subside after a period of a few years and let other deeper bonds develop. After that, If you both weren't meeting each other's emotional needs, then there is a weak foundation and general dissatisfaction in the marriage. That's when the problems start and a mate may find themselves getting their emotional needs met outside of the marriage (sexual or not). This is why you feel detached from your husband and are grieving the loss of your AP. He was the one to meet your needs.

 

To really make a stab at your marriage, you might consider actually owning up to the contract that you created with your spouse... to forsake all others. It is imperative to maintain NC and to explore and meet each others deepest emotional needs to create that bond again. It will take time since you are withdrawn emotionally from your spouse. Your child deserves to have sucessfully married parents (even if it is you and someone else other than your current H) who know how to work at a marriage.

 

Go to a site called Marriage Builders and read the sections on infidelity. It will help you to understand "why".

[Dexter Morgan]

+ 1 for Dexter's response. It's on the mark. It comes across as if you are looking for a reason from us to leave. Not gonna give you that.

 

well really, I am. The best thing for her husband IS for her to leave and set him free.

 

she wants to know how to get over pining for the OM...and the answer is to grow up. She made a committment and needs to realize what she has to lose IF she has no intentions of doing right by him, which is to leave.