Conflicted.

[tigressA]

 

It sounds like you are in the "I want him but not like this" phase. I've been there too and it sucks. I think you need to ask yourself some questions.

 

Do you want to be with him? Do you want to be with someone else? Do you want to continue to invest in a relationship that might not go anywhere? Do you think it's going anywhere? Does he think it's going anywhere?

 

Exactly. That is exactly how it is. I want him, but not like this.

 

I do want to be with him. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know it would be easier if I broke up with him and found a relationship that was...well, easier. Getting to spend more time together, not having to be concerned with work visas and such. He's communicated his worry to me about that more than once. But I want him, so I just have to deal with the current (and possibly future) suck factor.

 

That's the thing about relationships--you never really know for sure if they're going to go where one or the other or both want them to go. I don't think it's really "going anywhere" lately. Then again, I don't really know what "going anywhere" means. I suppose I feel like it isn't going anywhere lately because we have little face time together, and Skype/phone/etc just don't compare to that. I don't know what he thinks about "going anywhere". He wants to know that I'll still be with him if he has to leave the States indefinitely, which I don't think will happen.

 

I have an update on my situation. Nothing will happen until at least late spring, like May. And if for whatever reason I can't find a job/apt. somewhere else by then, I am allowed to stay until I find them. So that's a relief. I'll be able to see my family over the holidays then, too. I'll be telling C about that when we talk tonight.

[tigressA]

Perhaps I really can't hack this. The thought of ending it has become gradually more pronounced in my mind. I keep thinking, "I may as well be single since I feel that way so much of the time, in spite of being committed."

[Kamille]

Perhaps I really can't hack this. The thought of ending it has become gradually more pronounced in my mind. I keep thinking, "I may as well be single since I feel that way so much of the time, in spite of being committed."

 

I get the impression you haven't read my last post. An important part of relationships is learning how to solve problems as a team. It's unfair to you both to make a unilateral decision about the relationship without first trying to find solutions to the issues that concern you.

 

Have you talked to him about how you've been feeling lately, without the clause that you're thinking of ending things?

 

Step 1 is: figuring out the options together. Honey, I wonder if we could make our relationship stronger? What solutions can we come up with?

 

Step 2: none of the solutions work. Should we end things.

[tigressA]

I get the impression you haven't read my last post.

 

Have you talked to him about how you've been feeling lately, without the clause that you're thinking of ending things?

 

Step 1 is: figuring out the options together. Honey, I wonder if we could make our relationship stronger? What solutions can we come up with?

 

Step 2: none of the solutions work. Should we end things.

 

I did read your last post.

 

No, I haven't talked to him. He wasn't on Skype at all last night. I had sent him a little message on Facebook yesterday reiterating how nice it was to see him Wednesday and that I had an update on my circumstances but he never responded, even though I saw he had been online (stuff had shown up in my feed) and he had to have seen it.

 

I think he's avoiding me. When he was here, like I said earlier, he was rather distant, still down about his uncle's passing. He was saying really cynical and negative things. I don't think he wants to make our relationship stronger. I don't think he cares much about me or where our relationship goes, even if that's in the toilet, at least not now. He's too into himself and his issues these days. And that conflicts with my desire to make our connection stronger. He internalizes stuff and doesn't want to talk about it; he likes to deal with it himself. So it's like the best thing I can do for him is give him his space, yet I'm feeling like doing that is making our connection weaker. I get frustrated because I feel like nothing is happening, like "How can our relationship get stronger if he just shuts himself away and won't talk to me at all?"

[Kamille]

I did read your last post.

 

No, I haven't talked to him. He wasn't on Skype at all last night. I had sent him a little message on Facebook yesterday reiterating how nice it was to see him Wednesday and that I had an update on my circumstances but he never responded, even though I saw he had been online (stuff had shown up in my feed) and he had to have seen it.

 

I would be upset about that. It would make me wonder how much support he's willing to offer.

 

That being said.

 

I think he's avoiding me. When he was here, like I said earlier, he was rather distant, still down about his uncle's passing. He was saying really cynical and negative things.

 

What were those negative comments about? You? Your relationship?

 

I don't think he wants to make our relationship stronger. I don't think he cares much about me or where our relationship goes, even if that's in the toilet, at least not now. He's too into himself and his issues these days. And that conflicts with my desire to make our connection stronger.

 

I haven't been on LS much lately, but it's the first time I hear you express this level of frustration about your relationship. In the last few threads I read, you would point out a problem and immediately say that you understood his point of view and that he was right that you were self-centered. In other words, you would internalize it. You would compromise and allow him to keep thinking you were okay with things.

 

When we encouraged you to discuss issues with him, you would say you were fine now and there were no reasons to assert yourself. What I can't figure out is whether your struggle to talk about issues because it makes you feel vulnerable or because he has demonstrated that he isn't invested enough in the relationship to take your concerns seriously. My guess is it's a bit of both.

 

 

He internalizes stuff and doesn't want to talk about it; he likes to deal with it himself.

 

Him and 70% of the male population. He was probably raised to be a provider so he doesn't like to ask for support when he needs it. That would be a personal failure.

 

So it's like the best thing I can do for him is give him his space, yet I'm feeling like doing that is making our connection weaker. I get frustrated because I feel like nothing is happening, like "How can our relationship get stronger if he just shuts himself away and won't talk to me at all?"

 

But, right now, you're considering ending things before actually even confronting the issue. The question is: how does the relationship stand a chance of getting stronger if he has no idea how you feel? You're also shutting yourself away and refusing to talk to him about your concerns.

 

I know I sound like I'm all over the place. I have said before I'm undecided about this relationship. I feel like you're learning a lot from it, but I often wonder if your infatuation with him has made you sweep problems under the rug in the hopes that things would eventually get better without you ever having to assert yourself. Obviously, they haven't. And maybe your impulse were right. Maybe, had you asserted yourself, the relationship would have ended much earlier. Maybe he isn't ready to invest in an R.

 

for what it's worth though: ((TA)). I've been in your shoes in past relationships and I know how much this hurts. But you aren't powerless. You have the power to make the right choices for yourself.

Edited November 5, 2010 by Kamille

[tigressA]

What were those negative comments about? You? Your relationship?

No, nothing like that. Just stuff about how his life is so f-ed up and whatnot. He even said that his time away in India was bad just because of his uncle's passing, that that overshadowed all the good. Something else I remembered: earlier in the evening I had told him how things were going here with my job, that my boss was going through some personal problems related to a woman who lied to him, etc. He said, "That's how it goes, treat them like a queen and they leave you, treat them like s*it and they stick around." That really unnerved me; it sounded just like the bitter guys here on LS. It made me question his readiness to be in a relationship and made me wonder if I just couldn't win with him at all because of the opinion he expressed.

 

What I can't figure out is whether your struggle to talk about issues because it makes you feel vulnerable or because he has demonstrated that he isn't invested enough in the relationship to take your concerns seriously. My guess is it's a bit of both.

Yes, it is both. At least in my mind. I don't know if he's invested enough. I don't really feel like he is. But I might have unreasonable expectations, particularly given the current circumstances.

 

But, right now, you're considering ending things before actually even confronting the issue. The question is: how does the relationship stand a chance of getting stronger if he has no idea how you feel? You're also shutting yourself away and refusing to talk to him about your concerns.

 

I know I sound like I'm all over the place. I have said before I'm undecided about this relationship. I feel like you're learning a lot from it, but I often wonder if your infatuation with him has made you sweep problems under the rug in the hopes that things would eventually get better without you ever having to assert yourself. Obviously, they haven't. And maybe your impulse were right. Maybe, had you asserted yourself, the relationship would have ended much earlier. Maybe he isn't ready to invest in an R.

That's the impression I've been getting--that he just isn't ready. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages because of the way he thinks of the future. I said earlier in this thread that he's asked me more than once if I would still want to be with him if he had to leave; he's expressed worry over that. But what he's doing/isn't doing NOW is making me feel like he shouldn't even be concerned about the future, because the future likely won't even happen.

[Kamille]

It made me question his readiness to be in a relationship and made me wonder if I just couldn't win with him at all because of the opinion he expressed.

 

What do you mean by "I feel like I just couldn't win with him"? Do you feel there are control issues in your relationship? Or is this about winning him over?

 

 

What I can't figure out is whether your struggle to talk about issues because it makes you feel vulnerable or because he has demonstrated that he isn't invested enough in the relationship to take your concerns seriously. My guess is it's a bit of both.

Yes, it is both. At least in my mind. I don't know if he's invested enough. I don't really feel like he is. But I might have unreasonable expectations, particularly given the current circumstances.

 

 

I think you do something I used to do before extensive therapy. And that's why I keep harassing you about being assertive. Instead of calmly speaking up for your needs, you start trying to assign blame. It's either him who's not invested enough or your expectations that are unreasonable. You are unhappy with the situation, yet instead of figuring out which ones of your needs aren't being met and how you could communicate them so as to find a solution, you seem to be trying to figure out who is in the wrong. If blame could be assigned, then, conveniently, you wouldn't have to assert yourself. I think you have to figure out why it's so hard for you to speak up for what you need, whether it's something in the relationship or something from your upbringing or both.

 

My point has been and continues to be: speak up for your needs and you won't have to try to figure out who's to blame. You will also be in a better position to judge whether or not this relationship is right for you and whether or not he has what it takes to be long term potential. You have the right to have needs-expectations and to express them and have them taken seriously. C has the right to decide whether or not he can provide for those needs. You and C can decide if a compromise, temporary or long-term, is possible. He doesn't, however, get to decide and judge whether your needs are reasonable or not. Neither you nor him should be allowed to question the validity of the other person's needs.

 

 

Maybe, had you asserted yourself, the relationship would have ended much earlier. Maybe he isn't ready to invest in an R.

That's the impression I've been getting--that he just isn't ready.

We know he doesn't feel ready now because he has yet to officially commit to being your bf.

 

There is no better time than now to tell him what you need in a partner. You've avoided speaking up about issues in the past and it has led you to consider your only option is breaking up. You admitted earlier in this thread that he currently has no idea how upset you are. Start with that and see where it goes.

Edited November 5, 2010 by Kamille

[OceanGirl]

My thoughts are that if he is a traditional Indian guy, it would be hard for his family to take him marrying an American girl. Given that he just visited his family, it probably made him think about this more and what would happen if you got more serious. Maybe he is even distancing himself to try and figure out if your R is worth the c$ap he is going to get from the family in the future.

[tigressA]

What do you mean by "I feel like I just couldn't win with him"? Do you feel there are control issues in your relationship? Or is this about winning him over?

 

There is no better time than now to tell him what you need in a partner. You've avoided speaking up about issues in the past and it has led you to consider your only option is breaking up. You admitted earlier in this thread that he currently has no idea how upset you are. Start with that and see where it goes.

 

What I meant was that I wondered if he was happy with me at all, because of the things he said. I know it very well could've been just a general thing and I twisted it and took it way too personally when it wasn't meant that way. When he said that stuff I thought, "Why am I even with you? If your life sucks so much and I'm in your life, then I must suck according to you, so why am I wasting my time listening to this? I don't want to be with someone who isn't happy with me."

 

I called him a few minutes ago and we talked for a little bit. I had prepped a message for his voicemail because I thought he wouldn't pick up, but he did. I summed up the important news I had for him and said I want to talk more later tonight. He said he's really busy, and that he'll "try". Try...huh. I was thinking of saying, "No, don't TRY. DO." But I didn't.

[xpaperxcutx]

What I meant was that I wondered if he was happy with me at all, because of the things he said. I know it very well could've been just a general thing and I twisted it and took it way too personally when it wasn't meant that way. When he said that stuff I thought, "Why am I even with you? If your life sucks so much and I'm in your life, then I must suck according to you, so why am I wasting my time listening to this? I don't want to be with someone who isn't happy with me."

 

I called him a few minutes ago and we talked for a little bit. I had prepped a message for his voicemail because I thought he wouldn't pick up, but he did. I summed up the important news I had for him and said I want to talk more later tonight. He said he's really busy, and that he'll "try". Try...huh. I was thinking of saying, "No, don't TRY. DO." But I didn't.

T, from what I gathered from all your threads about C, you're someone who needs a fair amount of reassurance. I don't know if it's because it's a tendency or not, but I have noticed your relationship have made you fairly co-dependent.

[tigressA]

T, from what I gathered from all your threads about C, you're someone who needs a fair amount of reassurance. I don't know if it's because it's a tendency or not, but I have noticed your relationship have made you fairly co-dependent.

 

This is true...it's funny because I have always fallen into relationships without even looking for them, but once I'm in one, I tend to forget what I was like before. I lose myself in the relationship. And that's when things start to go downhill because I read into everything, need reassurance that everything is okay, etc. My first boyfriend stated that as the main reason he was going to break up with me (I broke up with him pre-emptively)--when we met he saw me as this fun, bubbly, independent person, but not long after we got together I became really attached, needy, jealous (but I had a good reason for that last one; he just refused to see where I was coming from).

[xpaperxcutx]

This is true...it's funny because I have always fallen into relationships without even looking for them, but once I'm in one, I tend to forget what I was like before. I lose myself in the relationship. And that's when things start to go downhill because I read into everything, need reassurance that everything is okay, etc. My first boyfriend stated that as the main reason he was going to break up with me (I broke up with him pre-emptively)--when we met he saw me as this fun, bubbly, independent person, but not long after we got together I became really attached, needy, jealous (but I had a good reason for that last one; he just refused to see where I was coming from).

 

See that's the thing. You've always given me the impression that you're a strong independent woman, yet everytime you decided to write something like

 

I was thinking of saying, "No, don't TRY. DO." But I didn't.

 

I had to do a double take and wonder if it's you who wrote it.

[tigressA]

See that's the thing. You've always given me the impression that you're a strong independent woman, yet everytime you decided to write something like.....I had to do a double take and wonder if it's you who wrote it.

 

I know...of course I'm going to be pissed if he doesn't get in touch with me tonight. And it will be my fault because I just said "Okay" instead of asserting myself! :mad:

[Kloor]

I lose myself in the relationship. And that's when things start to go downhill because I read into everything, need reassurance that everything is okay, etc. My first boyfriend stated that as the main reason he was going to break up with me (I broke up with him pre-emptively)--when we met he saw me as this fun, bubbly, independent person, but not long after we got together I became really attached, needy, jealous (but I had a good reason for that last one; he just refused to see where I was coming from).

 

TA, this is MEEEEE! I think the larger issues here, for both of us, is our codependency. I too am super independent, fun, confident, secure when I first meet guys but when I become the "Girlfriend" it changes my whole personality. I became needy, jealous, insecure, in need of constant reassurance. And no matter how much reassurance he gives me, I can't get enough. It's sick, I know!!! So what do we do? If we're intrinsically needy, insecure, it doesn't matter what the circumstances are or who the guy is or what he does for us, the bottom line is that we have to get happiness, security and fulfillment from outside of our relationship or we will never get it from inside our relationship. No matter what happens in this particular relationship, if we don't change how we are and who we become in a relationship we're always going to end up resenting the guy. I hate to say it, it doesn't matter what he does, it's never going to be enough. Maybe instead of putting so much energy into this one relationship you can put energy into making yourself more content with who you are? More invested into your own, individual future, irregardless of the future of you and your boyfriend?

[tigressA]

I hate to say it, it doesn't matter what he does, it's never going to be enough. Maybe instead of putting so much energy into this one relationship you can put energy into making yourself more content with who you are? More invested into your own, individual future, irregardless of the future of you and your boyfriend?

 

Good points. I have been focusing on several other things, but perhaps I need to put even more energy into them, or find more things to occupy my time...or both.

 

I started making a pro-and-con list. And I'm being completely honest with myself about it. I'm taking my time with it, writing things down when they come to me. It'll be interesting to see when it's all done. But right now my state driver's manual calls.

Edited November 6, 2010 by tigressA

[tigressA]

Haven't heard from him. I told him this was important...I am so pissed right now. I am thisclose to just flying off the handle altogether and telling him to just f*** off. :mad:

[Star Gazer]

I need to catch up on this thread... but please don't do anything rash!!! I'll fight you!

[tigressA]

I need to catch up on this thread... but please don't do anything rash!!! I'll fight you!

 

Rash...hah! There's a laugh. This whole thing has been rash, from the very first time we met.

[Star Gazer]

Rash...hah! There's a laugh. This whole thing has been rash, from the very first time we met.

 

Why do you think that is?

[tigressA]

Why do you think that is?

 

Oh, let's see, well...how many threads have I had here so far WRT the two of us? And how long have we been together?

 

Oh, and don't forget the first-date consummation and the 3-week split that started with me slamming his car door...:lmao:

[tigressA]

I don't know why I continue to bother. It would theoretically be a snap for me to dump him, be single for awhile, and then snap up someone else who would surely be a better fit for me...I mean come on! We are so beyond toxic for each other...I don't think anyone has made me this vulnerable, this anxious, this angry, this bloody maddened. He pushes all my buttons. That's not too good, because among all my buttons are the good ones, which makes it real hard to say, "Hey you! F*ck off!"

 

Before anyone asks, yes...I'm drunk.

[OceanGirl]

Here goes advice:

 

 

 

DO NOTHING DO NOTHING DO NOTHING DO NOTHING DO NOTHING.

[LittleTiger]

I don't know why I continue to bother. It would theoretically be a snap for me to dump him, be single for awhile, and then snap up someone else who would surely be a better fit for me...I mean come on! We are so beyond toxic for each other...I don't think anyone has made me this vulnerable, this anxious, this angry, this bloody maddened. He pushes all my buttons. That's not too good, because among all my buttons are the good ones, which makes it real hard to say, "Hey you! F*ck off!"

 

Before anyone asks, yes...I'm drunk.

 

Tigress, I've been following your threads and wondering how this would play out. I know you were drunk when you wrote this but there is the saying 'in wine there is truth'!

 

When you are sober, how about reflecting on what you've written here. If you posted that on the LDR forum, I'd bet my bottom dollar that anyone there would say "if you feel that way then that's what you should do".

 

As you know, LDRs involve a lot of sacrifice and there is only one reason why anybody would put up with all the downsides - because they don't believe there is anyone, anywhere who is a better fit.

 

You may indeed be needy, co-dependent, insecure or whatever else has been mentioned about your personality and relationship style, and these issues clearly need addressing before you can have a healthy, happy relationship without all the drama that seems to go with it for you.

 

Learning to how to assert yourself and how to communicate your needs in a way that is beneficial to both parties are skills that will help you to have more balanced relationships in the future. All successful relationships require open, honest communication on both sides.

 

However, the question that keeps coming up in your posts is - is this relationship really worth it for you?

 

I think you already know the answer.

[Kamille]

Good point LittleTiger. I don't see how a LDR could be a healthy option given the current conditions. I would be going insane in your shoes TA.

 

I'm sorry he didn't call. Been there. It friggin hurts. I'm angry at him for you.

 

Put yourself first: do the right thing for you.

[tigressA]

Hi everyone...just woke up a little while ago and read this page of posts. LittleTiger, I have to admit you're right in saying 'In wine there is truth'.

 

I'm going to end it. I have to. This situation has been driving me up the wall and I'm unhappy. It's not going to change anytime soon, so I'm much better off being single than 'being with' () him.

 

Now I'm antsy with the desire to get it over with. I still haven't heard from him (he said he had to work this weekend). I am so, so, so tempted to just write him an email, but I know it would be best at least over the phone. What if I have to wait for like 2 more days?! UGH. Then I might as well just cut him off and move on with no explanation to him.