Popcorn Update: he finally agreed to call and speak to me. He called.

[LoveTNT]

Even after I went to his place a few weeks ago. I know many of you believed I went overbored. Anyhow, I love him and miss him. I broke up with him. I've learned so much these past 3 months. I can't run from love. I have to be honest. He called me today because I asked him too ( I wasn't feeling good). I don't believe ice seen his number call me in almost 2 months... I was very calm and honest. I let him know I've been super stressed. Applying to some universities etc... And above all missing him and how much I'm learning and accepting that I still love him romantically and if he was open to it, I would show him, I would do all I could on my part to make it work. He listened to me. I could here his voice shaky and I could tell he was crying. I asked him how he felt, and he said it has been just as hard for him but he has to keep pulling through. I thanked him for loving me and being such a beautiful man overall. I asked him if he still loved me in a romantic way.. He was crying as he answered and said he didn't feel comfortable answering that now. I said it was ok, I understood. After all, a few weeks ago he wouldn't even return my calls etc.. And was so very angry. I hope he's realizing that I haven't given up. He always said I had a defietist mentality and I give up easily. Maybe hes realizing that's not the case. Well, he told me to email or text him how it went at my dr. Appointment tomorrow. I also asked Him, I just had to, I asked Him very calm and respectfully if he was seeing anyone else and he said, no. I told him that I hope he knows that I will respect his status, no matter what. I only want the best for him. Even if he was/is doing his thing, I have to respect it.

Some may feel I'm coming off strong. I just love him dearly and have grown and realized alot these past few months. I've been faithful to the love I have for us. Haven't f'd around. I feel good about it, regardless of the final outcome.

[WTRanger]

It sounds like you are making progress, but I'm not sure it's the progress you are wishing it to be. I think you might be trying to read between his sentences. I think he still loves you and cares about you, as evident by his call and concern, but it doesn't sound like he's willing to try a full blown relationship again.

 

I think what's next is let some time pass again, and then I think the two of you need a come to Jesus talk about where each of you what to see this go. Just as I may have come down on you for pushing him, he needs to understand that eventually he's got to give you his true answer to your 2nd chance proposal.

 

It's certainly not fair and not human to keep someone in limbo. It's understandable that he may need time to process or not feel comfortable talking about it now, but it's not understandable to use that as an "out" to never really tell you either way. I'm not saying this is what will happen or is happening but in my experience the more the person refuses to answer your question directly, the more it drives you to get them to answer it. It creates a vicious cycle until one party explodes.

 

Tread lightly, but I think you are on the right path to getting your answer.

[LoveTNT]

It's called taking a chance, when you love someone. Honestly if he was an A**hole etc I wouldn't be doing this. He has done much for me and was always above all supportive.

With that said, I am fully aware that we might not ever get back together. I am being honest about my feelings and that's all I can be, without being pushy, yes this I've learned, heh. If he still loves me and believes that we can possibly work on our connection than great, if not than I honestly wouldn't want to be with someone that is unsure. It's about having faith that the one you love is truly changing, not for someone else only but all around for her self ( meaning me).

 

So I understand he might not ever give in even to a slight possibility, all I can do is what I am currently doing. I respect myself, I want the best for him and I, and if it's not being together, this I will grow and move forward from.

 

If anything, I've learned how to truly love someone, because he taught me that. He gave me so much love and patience... but we eventually let life's issues and frustrations start to blow us apart..

 

I learned a great thing.

 

Love needs a mighty hold-fast when the tornadoes come through, and I got weak.

 

Individuals in a relationship need there space too, you can't smother one another...

[alwayshoping]

Hey Tnt,

 

I just wanted to say I like reading your posts! Very inspirational! I really hope things work out with you guys! Perhaps this taking a chance thing will catch on and my ex will change her mind too!

 

Anyways keep us updated and Good Luck Again x

[lapse]

I'm a little late with this, but your assertiveness the other night was actually refreshing to me. There is a balance between pride that is detrimental and hopeless puppiness. And you were there. I think your situation was unique... that he felt that you did not care enough or show it enough, and that it was very important that your intensity shine through at least once. He needed to know it was there and that you were serious. Not just sending texts superfluously at his doubts.

 

Glad it's going better and that there is hope. Stay empowered, TNTlady.

[LoveTNT]

Hey Tnt,

 

I just wanted to say I like reading your posts! Very inspirational! I really hope things work out with you guys! Perhaps this taking a chance thing will catch on and my ex will change her mind too!

 

Anyways keep us updated and Good Luck Again x

 

Aww, you're sweet. Well what happens will happen for the best right, for you , for me and for the rest of us.

 

A lot of us on here are passionate people, we'll learn and grow through the pain, right? right!

 

Good luck.

[LoveTNT]

I'm a little late with this, but your assertiveness the other night was actually refreshing to me. There is a balance between pride that is detrimental and hopeless puppiness. And you were there. I think your situation was unique... that he felt that you did not care enough or show it enough, and that it was very important that your intensity shine through at least once. He needed to know it was there and that you were serious. Not just sending texts superfluously at his doubts.

 

Glad it's going better and that there is hope. Stay empowered, TNTlady.

 

Thank you for noticing this, haha. Yeah, I have to respect. I do believe I was on my tippy toes on that one. But, overall, I believe he see's I mean well. regardless of what happens, I hope the anger demishes completely eventually and he knows I do care and want the best for him and for me, together or not.

 

I love him, but I can't force anything...

[ARISthess]

TNT.... thank you for posting this thread, it is so relieving to hear that i'm not the only one living this... well i know i'm not the only one, but sometimes it feels like i am...

 

After a couple rocky months, my gf separated me a little under two months ago. I gave her 3 weeks no contact for both of us to cool down. During this time i did alot of analyzing and self critisizm (much harder than just blaming her for everything).

 

So I contacted her after 3 weeks, and we had a mature conversation. I sent her flowers, and the next week we got together. It went good, i showed her that i was willing to accept my faults (no i never cheated on her, i was letting my family problems take over our relationship) and not repeat them.

 

She showed me that she is still attracted to me and that she still has feelings, but refused to answer my questions about if she still loves me and if she wants to be with me.

 

Since then we have gotten together another two times. We kissed and were just like a couple. The last time was even at her house she cooked me dinner and we cuddled on the couch.

 

She still won't tell me what i want to hear and just says she needs time and we should take it slow.... and that i'm pushing her... When we're together its like we never split up, but when we're apart she is very cold. Polite yet cold....

 

We made progress during the dinner, despite the fact that i was expecting to hear something and i didn't (and i told her that)... she even started texting me on her own again... till the other day when i screwed up and went off on her cause she didn't want to get together... i told her that she is sending mixed signals and so on.. she still answers my calls and texts but i definately lost all the progress i had made...

 

Sorry for monopolizing your thread with this looooong post.... its just that you gave me the opportunity to share this....

 

How long do we have to wait to get an answer?????

[sacg]

Could end up being the one you don't want man.

 

I'm not saying this is the same in your case, but I went through all this, all the signs of reconciliation, only to be left cold. Sounds very familiar. My opinion is go complete No Contact, (I so wish I had the strength to listen to this 2 years ago) and let her come to you, if she does. She HAS to come to you. Like TNT is now doing, she made a full on move to want this, your ex, I'm afraid is'nt. And all your doing is feeding her, allowing her to detach gradually and keep you sweet and not feel guilty. I could be wrong, but it sounds all too familiar.

 

Just be polite, tell her your not getting what you want, (which you aint), it hurts (which im sure it does) and you need your own space(which you do to start to see things clearly). Then go NC, completely. Its hard, but its a lot harder going through what I did, and you could be on that path my friend.

[bernardverh]

To LoveTNT, I haven't read other posts of you, so maybe I missed an important part of the story. But what I read is that you broke up with him, now feel lonely and try to make contact with him to get yourself back together? Or am I wrong and would you really want him back?

 

This looks like the 'other side' of the story of ARISthess!

ARISthess, great for the 3 weeks of NC. Good job for the analyzing and self critisizm. Nice thing for the mature conversation. But then: you sent her flowers?!!! This was the first step of ruining it again. You can only give a woman a gift if she deserves it, otherwise she will think you are weak. It looks like you two are not equal to eachother if you give her gifts. She doesn't want a man who tells her that he has a lower status than she has.

 

The rest of the story is unfortunately the logical next step. She shows that she still cares about you by doing things with you, by kissing with you. Actions are more important than words. If you ask for words, you again show weakness by telling her that you need her so much.

 

You've positioned yourself a few steps back now by showing her you are not the confident strong man she hopes for. Take your time again, NC, and maybe you get a new attempt in a month. It's fine if she contacts you, but give her less than you receive or you will definately lose her.

[sacg]

Bernard,

 

you seem to offer a lot of advice, but have no personal story. whilst i appreciate some of what you say, and that there is a game to play in all this, i don't think this applies in all cases. Both parties have a responsibility to show respect, If an ex is acting "needy, clingy, unnatractive", granted it will push people away, but then the other person should not lead them on, but be honest in how they feel and harsh if need be. Not use people because they can and it aids theyre personal situation.

 

As you said in my thread and now this one, you don't read the whole story, and i guess you assume around your personal beliefs. Maybe you should and understand fully before offering your, seemingly, typical advice.

 

Be good to know a little about you and your situation?

[ARISthess]

Thanks for the comments guys. A little more background info, we're both 31, we were together for two years and the plan was marriage around the end of 2011.

 

Sacg:

Could be she's not the one I end up with, but she is the one i want. I've been through enough relationships and flings to know what i'm looking for and i found it all in her. I'm well aware that I could be left cold, but tell me something... Aren't you satisfied that you tried? I mean if you let it go you never would have known, at least now you know you did what you could and it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Bernard:

I disagree with the flowers. She liked them. She knows that i don't play games and that the flowers weren't a sorry and it was the flowers that got me the first date.

 

You're right about the rest though... She did show me that she cares and that she's open to seeing it through... with her actions. When we're face to face she can't hide her feelings, over the phone tho i don't have a chance.. And it was my fault that i pushed for the words so much.

Why one month tho? can't i just play my cards right from now on?

[sacg]

Sacg:

Could be she's not the one I end up with, but she is the one i want. I've been through enough relationships and flings to know what i'm looking for and i found it all in her. I'm well aware that I could be left cold, but tell me something... Aren't you satisfied that you tried? I mean if you let it go you never would have known, at least now you know you did what you could and it just wasn't meant to be.[/quote

 

ARIS, hi, I meant the answer may not be the one you want when you asked, "How long do we have to wait to get an answer?????" I'm not disputing she's your world, I'm just saying be careful and dont read into too much. I found it all in my ex, thats probably why i overlooked so much and allowed myself to be treated the way I have been. I'm just saying i went through exactly what you are now going through and it ended up pretty hurtful for a long time. You may be lucky, but just be aware.

 

Happy i tried? That's not the issue, she never intended to come back, thats pretty obvious by her latest relationship. It's about what they do and how they can act for obviously personal needs, and leave us even more hurt.

 

if you want the truth, I wish Id have gone complete no contact, and prevented over 2 years of waste. NC will not ruin any chance you have, it will however allow you to heal and feel better quicker and possibly make her see her true feelings. Shes blowing ho and cold man, thats not a good sign.

 

 

You're right about the rest though... She did show me that she cares and that she's open to seeing it through... with her actions. When we're face to face she can't hide her feelings, over the phone tho i don't have a chance.. And it was my fault that i pushed for the words so much.

Why one month tho? can't i just play my cards right from now on?

 

My ex did all this ARIS, made love to me, kissed me, cuddled me, cried with me, and then went back to the rebound, and then after that, back to me and then to another. Just be careful man, if you want more than your getting, then its time to put distance between you and her until she can and wants to give you what you desire. Not be wishywashy.

[sacg]

Start your own thread man, Ill follow it. Think weve hijacked this one, sorry TNT.

[ARISthess]

Start your own thread man, Ill follow it. Think weve hijacked this one, sorry TNT.

 

Your right! I'm sorry TNT... new thread is here

 

TNT:

Just my 2 cents... don't make my mistakes...

 

I convinced her that I really cared, that I was willing to do alot of stuff (and its all true)... she opened the door for me and i put too much pressure on her.

 

I think you should stay consistant, let him know your thinking of him from time to time, let him know your there, and don't remind him of the problems the two of you had. remind him of what he's missing.

 

and above all! let it progress slowly and smoothly. Like I said just my 2 cents, but if i had followed this advice i would be alot better right now...

[bernardverh]

Bernard,

 

you seem to offer a lot of advice, but have no personal story. whilst i appreciate some of what you say, and that there is a game to play in all this, i don't think this applies in all cases. Both parties have a responsibility to show respect, If an ex is acting "needy, clingy, unnatractive", granted it will push people away, but then the other person should not lead them on, but be honest in how they feel and harsh if need be. Not use people because they can and it aids theyre personal situation.

 

As you said in my thread and now this one, you don't read the whole story, and i guess you assume around your personal beliefs. Maybe you should and understand fully before offering your, seemingly, typical advice.

 

Be good to know a little about you and your situation?

 

I have a personal story, but I haven't posted it. Ofcourse advice can be wrong and doesn't apply to all cases. This is a forum to put opinions on and share thoughts with others, that's what I'm trying to do. It's ok if you don't agree, I'm interested in multiple points of view.

 

I said that I haven't read the whole story to indicate that my idea/thoughts can be wrong. I still believe I can share my thoughts because it can setup a discussion and make people start thinking.

 

About me: I realized I made mistakes myself too and probably ruined my relationship with that. NC worked for me to rebuild myself (it was hard) and at this point, (only) a month later, I don't care so much anymore whether she would contact me or not.

[LoveTNT]

Thanks guys, It's ok.

 

@Aris: regarding your last reply, ya I was hoping that contacting him once every week or so, just by text or leaving him a message being sweet and saying to have a great week or something would help the situation. Not being pushy and needy, just being kind and letting him know I was there for him if he needed.

 

But where it hurt my feelings was that, after talking to him and him asking me to text him and let him know how my Drs app. went and texting him just like he had asked, I

he didn't reply back. I was like ok fine , it's ok he's just still protecting himself. He's still not ready to have contact like that etc... (that was wed)... then thursday came I went out that night for awhile. When I got home my Gay neighbor came knocking at my door super drunk. He started talking **** about my dog etc... just stupid. It pissed me off and I text my ex, asking if he could call me because my neighbor kept tripping. Of course my ex didn't. Friday came and he still didn't, It hurt that he didn't even ask if everything was ok.

 

So yeah, I need to go NC, I'm really just exausted and hurt, feeling rejected when he doesn't reply.

 

If and when he's ready he'll get at me. I've done all I can at this point.

 

Forward

 

I have to stick with it, my self-worth is top notch, dangit!

[ARISthess]

TNT,

 

While my ex does reply my texts and answer my calls, she doesn't reply to the 'goodmornings' or 'goodnights'... and you know we shouldn't expect them to. Think of it as just letting them know you're thinking about them.

 

My opinion is that you should just keep contact with him to stuff like that 'have a great week' or 'how was your weekend' positive stuff and don't ask for anything.

 

Bottom line is that you have to give and not receive at this point, no matter how much you may need him next to you. Thats where i screwed up. I came back confident and decisive, covered alot of ground, but after 3 weeks i just broke.

 

Think about if you are able to do it, and if he's worth it. Its not an easy task...

[durkadurka]

TNT,

 

While my ex does reply my texts and answer my calls, she doesn't reply to the 'goodmornings' or 'goodnights'... and you know we shouldn't expect them to. Think of it as just letting them know you're thinking about them.

 

My opinion is that you should just keep contact with him to stuff like that 'have a great week' or 'how was your weekend' positive stuff and don't ask for anything.

 

Bottom line is that you have to give and not receive at this point, no matter how much you may need him next to you. Thats where i screwed up. I came back confident and decisive, covered alot of ground, but after 3 weeks i just broke.

 

Think about if you are able to do it, and if he's worth it. Its not an easy task...

 

 

Yeah I think that if you want to get someone back they have to show some sort of indication that they are interested in doing it as well.

 

Being inquisitive, being kind, can be a waste of effort.

 

My ex asked me to fly to visit her about 3 months ago, and I did. I also did my part in trying to get back together, I told her I cared about her a lot, wanted to be with her, but that I wanted to be a better person and there were a lot of unknowns in our future. I offered to move to be where she is.

 

Ultimately, she didn't take a position, and didn't say anything one way or another. A few weeks later she was seeing someone else.

 

It's got to be a two way street.. and now she wants to be friends. What a joke.

[LoveTNT]

That's the thing, there's weeks that I can do it and then others I get hurt if he doesn't reply back. It's usually certain weeks out of the month, haha. But maybe I can figure out the weeks I'm not pms'ing and text him those days, and the weeks that I'm overly emotional, don't take my phone out with me. Haha

 

Anyhow, A part of me is telling me right now to just go NC again and take care of myself because I have a lot I need to do this month and next month, well actually always, that I need to focus on and not get extremely side tracked with the contact thing. He's all over the place right now and I have to respect that he's trying to protect himself. Smetimes I wish I could be like him at some points and be like "**** this" and not think of the good times, so I can walk with my strut and keep doing big things, but I can't be all angry constantly, if anything that's only doing damage to me myself and I.

 

acceptance, understanding, learn and grow from this. Stay positive, be a good example, and express yourself through your actions and better choices in the here and now...

 

This is what I tell myself, this is what I truly know.

[LoveTNT]

DurkaDurka,

 

That was a big move you made. You did what you felt you had to do to show your true feelings for her. You did all you could. Now it's NC time on that one. Is that what you're doing? Have you been NC. We gotta do this Durka!

 

Chanting* NC! NC! NC! NC!

 

Meh-

[WTRanger]

TNT,

 

While my ex does reply my texts and answer my calls, she doesn't reply to the 'goodmornings' or 'goodnights'... and you know we shouldn't expect them to. Think of it as just letting them know you're thinking about them.

 

My opinion is that you should just keep contact with him to stuff like that 'have a great week' or 'how was your weekend' positive stuff and don't ask for anything.

 

Bottom line is that you have to give and not receive at this point, no matter how much you may need him next to you. Thats where i screwed up. I came back confident and decisive, covered alot of ground, but after 3 weeks i just broke.

 

Think about if you are able to do it, and if he's worth it. Its not an easy task...

 

The bold is not the best thing to do. I know you are trying to help, but that is just really going to make you and TNT look weak and clingy.

 

Read these posts by CaliGuy, then re-read them, then re-re-read them, then recite them to LS word for word.

 

So, you think you want a 2nd chance?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/

 

Guide to NC

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

[durkadurka]

DurkaDurka,

 

That was a big move you made. You did what you felt you had to do to show your true feelings for her. You did all you could. Now it's NC time on that one. Is that what you're doing? Have you been NC. We gotta do this Durka!

 

Chanting* NC! NC! NC! NC!

 

Meh-

 

Hey there darling, yeah it was a big move. She'd been texting me since she left the town we lived in together, I offered up my heart one more time.

 

She's taken a really low class approach to everything. After I left, 5 days after actually, she said she wished I had stayed longer, told me that things were going to hell in a hand basket where she was, and asked me to sell all of her books and her furniture because she and her family needed the money.

 

So, like the good trooper I was, I did what she asked. 5 days later, I stopped hearing from her. 2 weeks after that, she called me with the bad news.

 

I sent her 1 email asking her for her address so I could mail a check to her for the stuff, and never heard back.

 

Since then, she's called me 3-4 times.

 

Mid September to 'call and check in on me, and to wish everything was going well for me, and that school and work was going alright.

 

The end of September she called me after I texted her. Didn't pick up. I called her back the next day. She couldn't pick up, said she wanted to talk to me and had stuff to say. She never called me back, or atleast, not for several weeks.

 

4 weeks later she calls me, and the conversation was pretty mundane (or atleast that's what she said), I kinda told her she shouldn't expect anything else. She then said that with time she's learned how miserable her time with me was, that she doesn't think about our life together at all, she doesn't miss anyone here. I was pretty pissed off and said that if she was so miserable it was worth considering whether we maintain any sort of contact at all. She said that she isn't trying to contact me but has only responded to texts or things that I have done (lies!)

 

A few days later she texts me saying 'I've finally given up eating peaches, I thought you of all people could appreciate that!'

 

I call her a day later saying, don't text me or call me again. You spent the entire time telling me how worthless I am, so don't waste my time pretending that I can appreciate anything. She pulls a small 180 and tells me she is struggling down there, that life isn't ideal, but still. She said 'Just remember, it's you that's asking me not to send you friendly texts every once in a while.'

 

What is this, some sort of reverse guilt trip? You aren't even nice to me.

 

That was last thursday (9 days ago)

 

I sent her an email later that night saying I gave it my best and to please leave me alone.

 

Haven't heard from her since.

 

I haven't initiated a phone call since August. I don't want to be friends with someone who cares for me so little.

Edited November 6, 2010 by durkadurka

[LoveTNT]

I know the feeling way to well, Durkadurks.

 

She is definitely wanting you to be there whenever she reaches out. Not fair! It's very selfish.

 

 

I've learned so much, and I honestly don't want to ever lead someone on if I know I can't see something special for the both of us in the long run. I've done that before I won't lie, and it's wrong! Bad ME!

 

Anyhow-

 

I'm proud of you that you have stuck with NC, unfortunately I broke it mid October after 5-6 weeks. But I'm trying to get back on it again, I've fallen short these past few attempts, but I know that is what I should do now. I'm still hurt.

 

Like he mentioned to me a few times, "when I'm not angry at you and have peace, maybe we can talk..."

 

I keep trying to get his attention somehow but honestly, if he doesn't have that peace he speaks of, then if he contacts me when i say "please" it's not going to be because he wants to completely.

 

Durka,

Bottom line- we need to go NC with the mentality that it's over.

[durkadurka]

I think the biggest issue for me is that it took a huge push in maturity for me to man up and go down there and say we needed to fix the underlying issues with both of us.

 

I got an immature response back.

 

Meh, this is gonna take a lot of time to forget about.

 

It's ironic, I think, that she's gone through all of this effort to meet new people down there. No matter what I did, she wouldn't try and meet new people.

 

Sighs, sometimes things just don't work. It pisses me off though, for her to have a new reason for us not working out every time we talk.

Edited November 6, 2010 by durkadurka