Did I lose my second chance?

[ARISthess]

Hi all... I sort of hogged up my story on someone elses thread, so I'm moving it here.... Info so far:

 

Im 31 and coming out of a two year relationship. after close to a month of no contact, self critisizm and thinking, i called and she opened the door for me again.

 

During the last three weeks we got together three times. She never gave me any of the words I wanted to hear (she wouldn't even say she's willing to give it a try). She did however show me that she would. Every time we were together she would be very friendly with me, kiss me and so on. However the days we aren't together while she answers my calls and txts she is polite but distant. She says i am pressuring her and she wants time.

 

Our third date was dinner and drinks at her house. Despite the fact that I pushed for words again the night still went well and we cuddled and talked the whole time. The next day she was much warmer with her texts and even sent goodnight before me.

 

Now where i went wrong... I figured it was over and a couple days later when she didn't want to meet I flipped and confronted her about the mixed signals over the past three weeks.

 

I'm now back at stage one again... she answers my calls and texts, but I lost all that i have gained....

[ReturnToSender]

I dont know...mayve its cause I understand your frustration that I dont think you messed anything up, but it seems like shes pulling back and not really putting anyting into reconciliation...which would mean there wasnt a chance to blow you know what I mean?

 

Thats how it is with me...we'll see each other, things seem nice..i hope things are going to move forward, we'll see each other a week or two later, things seem nice, but no further. After awhile of that, yeah I snap and go off the deep end LoL! Basically letting him know either we work things out or we dont but this distance and coolness is dirivng me nuts.. his latest catch phrase is "youre trippin!" (hes almost 40 btw, I swear I wish he hadnt started dating a 20-something cause he makes himself sound stupid with the stuff hes picked up from her...)

 

Anyway, I dont feel like Ive messed anything up, I do feel like an idiot for putting so much into someone who isnt putting anything in return to try to get back together. Which causes frustration...cant fault you for that!

[sacg]

Sorry, he's happily dating someone, and your still hoping on a reconciliation? Your still seeing him even though it hurts you so and your not getting what you want? I

 

I dont get it

[ReturnToSender]

Was that for Aris? I dont think he said shes seeing someone else? Just in case, my ex isnt either now...

[ARISthess]

ReturntoSender

 

I did see a change after last weeks dinner. I saw it up until the moment i pushed her. Even the way she said 'no' to my proposal to meet up wasn't mean..

 

We were slowly but surely getting back on track and I lost my patience... :mad: Patience has never been my virtue and she noticed the effort... but on monday i just flipped (was our aniversary)

 

Also, she isn't seeing anyone else. I know this for a fact. I still know where she is 90% of her time lol. However, she did tell me that during the nc period she was considering moving and getting away from here.

[ReturnToSender]

Yeah, its just hard and frustrating. I mean, I handled it when the ex was seeing someone, and we werent trying to reconcile...but now that we supposedly are trying to re-build our relationship, it feels like Im the only one.

 

Youre right, it could totally just be a patience thing, but at the same time...once a week isnt a whole lot of time... My brain puts it in terms of...okay thats 4 days out of the month I get to spend time with you...when someone wants to be with someone thats nothing!

 

Anniversaries are hard..its supposed to be this great special day...and it does make the moment more emotional, dont beat yourself up over that...

[bernardverh]

Bernard:

I disagree with the flowers. She liked them. She knows that i don't play games and that the flowers weren't a sorry and it was the flowers that got me the first date.

 

You're right about the rest though... She did show me that she cares and that she's open to seeing it through... with her actions. When we're face to face she can't hide her feelings, over the phone tho i don't have a chance.. And it was my fault that i pushed for the words so much.

Why one month tho? can't i just play my cards right from now on?

 

I have my doubts about the flowers. You think she deserves flowers to try to have a relationship with you again? In a normal situation giving flowers is a nice gesture, on special moments. But this is a bit awkward, and in my opinion shows that you say 'thank you for meeting with me as I am lucky to be with you'. In reality you should both be happy to be with eachother, the balance is a bit on the wrong side.

 

Anyways, reading your new topic, it seems that you understand this situation almost correct. You say you put pressure on her and that you should be more patient. That's true, but it's caused by having the wrong mindset. You treat her as the most important thing in the world, like that you need her else your life is ruined. She will spot this and it's unattractive. It's difficult to change this now, because you probably feel like you need to try a lot to get her back. The opposite is true: if you try too much, she will run away.

 

About playing your cards: I'm sure she knows what your cards are, you made it obvious. There's no reason to play them now. Take it easy, take control. This kind of situation can still be saved in my opinion, with the right change of behaviour.

[bleeg]

I think she feels overwhelmed to be honest with you.

 

Why did you guys break-up to begin with?

 

God forbid the girl puts up her wall because maybe she doesn't want to get hurt and take things slow.

[ARISthess]

Thanks again for the replies. I do know what my mistakes are and what i have to do, I just need an extra push to actually do it and i thank you all for giving it to me

 

Youre right, it could totally just be a patience thing, but at the same time...once a week isnt a whole lot of time... My brain puts it in terms of...okay thats 4 days out of the month I get to spend time with you...when someone wants to be with someone thats nothing!

 

Thats exactly the way i saw it... and it made me really really pushy and definately not that fun to be with.

 

The way i should have seen it was i have 4 days with her, so i better make the best of them. The way things were going, next month it would have been 8 days... i'm just an idiot for screwing it up...

 

 

I have my doubts about the flowers. You think she deserves flowers to try to have a relationship with you again? In a normal situation giving flowers is a nice gesture, on special moments.

 

Thats what I'm saying, I didn't send her flowers to bribe her. I sent her flowers telling her that I miss her and that I would always be there for her. Positive words.

 

About playing your cards: I'm sure she knows what your cards are, you made it obvious. There's no reason to play them now. Take it easy, take control. This kind of situation can still be saved in my opinion, with the right change of behaviour.

 

Yea I know i opened my cards to her... i told her that too

I know what i have to do... I have to become myself again.

 

Thanks for expressing faith that i can still pull it off

[ARISthess]

I think she feels overwhelmed to be honest with you.

 

Why did you guys break-up to begin with?

 

God forbid the girl puts up her wall because maybe she doesn't want to get hurt and take things slow.

 

True, she is afraid to trust me again.

 

It wasn't one event that led to our break up. I experienced a family problem a while back. She stood by me and even took my place in my family at the time (work was keeping me out of town at the time). I needed more time and wanted to slow things down. This led to swollen egos and communication problems... the situation tired us both.

 

I just don't get it though, how could i be overwhelming her now? We fought because I was delaying our plans, now that I'm back to what we originally wanted its overwhelming her?

[bleeg]

I'm in the same position as you.

 

EXACT same.

 

She actually came back to me. 3 months of NC and she came back. She's a stubborn work of art. It took her a while to admit it. But because I confided in her friend during the break-up who also happend to be going through a split and her friend secretly liked me which I just found out, she thinks something happend and she told me she doesn't trust me.

 

It's been 3 days since I last spoke to her.

 

I'm going to stick to NC. If she truly loves me, she won't be able to hold out much longer. That's the beauty of true love. And you'll know. No bull**** excuses, you'll just know.

[Cratsky]

Anyone can act friendly, give in to the need for physical satisfaction. I recommend you consider whether her actions match her words. She has made no effort to confirm if she wants you back and if she is the dumper, you're in for a lot of pain sorry. In reading this forum, the only times a relationship has successfully reconciled is if the dumper has had sufficient time to be alone or play the field (depending on the reasons behind the break up) to realise they may have lost a great thing and are willing to make changes on their part.

 

if you as the dumpee made contact and are grasping at straws... you may be surprised to find she's still got her options open and may switch off at the drop of a hat when another guy is in her life. This will only take you back another step in terms of moving on.

 

it ended for a reason and until you've had time to work on yourself and both grow up emotionally, the chances of successfully coming back together are (in my mind) extremely low. Reconnections with an ex in less than 6 months time apart tend to last only 1-3 months before permanently splitting again (from what I've read here).

[ARISthess]

Anyone can act friendly, give in to the need for physical satisfaction. I recommend you consider whether her actions match her words. She has made no effort to confirm if she wants you back and if she is the dumper, you're in for a lot of pain sorry.

 

Yes its true her actions don't match her words. Her actions (when we're together) scream out 'I love you'... while her words say 'give me some time' and 'lets take it slow'.

 

if you as the dumpee made contact and are grasping at straws... you may be surprised to find she's still got her options open and may switch off at the drop of a hat when another guy is in her life. This will only take you back another step in terms of moving on.

 

I know she still has her options open. She wants to see if she can trust me again. Or to be more specific, not trust me, but if she can believe in me again.

I also know that she isn't actively looking for someone right now, or putting herself in the position to be approached by someone.

 

it ended for a reason and until you've had time to work on yourself and both grow up emotionally, the chances of successfully coming back together are (in my mind) extremely low. Reconnections with an ex in less than 6 months time apart tend to last only 1-3 months before permanently splitting again (from what I've read here).

 

I understand where your getting at, but I don't think that a certain time limit can be set on all situations. Its about me right now. If I can come at her with a serious outlook on things and with confidence. It worked for me and got me 3/4 of the way before i screwed it. I think now I just lost any margin for error that I had...

[rebeccajones]

LEt her go, give her space, think of yourself even if it kills you.

[ARISthess]

LEt her go, give her space, think of yourself even if it kills you.

 

When you say 'let her go' do you mean completely? Through reading the thread do you have the impression that there is no hope?

 

Despite the fact that I am pretty torn up and very very impatient, I am actually improving myself... and i'm close to a new job too Its just a b*tch that I can't share my jow with her

[ARISthess]

Update:

 

So yesterday after 4 days of no contact, I sent her an sms telling her she's on my mind. She answers me not long after that I am too.

 

Today is my friends sons birthday. We would go out with them as a couple from time to time, and my girl would bring her nephew so the kids would play together.

 

Last week when we spoke, I had told her that I wont' go to the party because I don't want to put myself in the akward position being there with her and her brother. She said that its all good and her brother would also like to see me, but I made it clear that I didn't want to put myself in that situation and it ended there.

 

This morning I wake up and i've got an sms saying that she will go to the party with just her nephew. Thing is i didn't get invited, so i reply thank you for thinking of me, but i was not invited to the party.

 

She answers within a minute 'don't mention it'. 10 minutes later, i get a second txt saying 'i'm really sorry i couldn't imagine that they werent going to invite you'...

 

I didn't answer and left it at that. I'm going to wait till the end of the week, then i'll give her a call and ask her out to dinner or drinks.

[kaycstamper]

Having an agenda, pushing for more than they can give, personal attacks, etc. just drive someone away. Step back, be low key, be nice, be supportive, maybe even take a break from contacting her, see what happens. Give her time and space.

[sacg]

What they said!

 

trust me, head that advice, I know its true. Be cool, and good luck.

[ARISthess]

Having an agenda, pushing for more than they can give, personal attacks, etc. just drive someone away. Step back, be low key, be nice, be supportive, maybe even take a break from contacting her, see what happens. Give her time and space.

 

You take it from the info in my thread that I have been initiating personal attacks?

 

I definately have an agenda and was asking for more than she can give. But I think now that I am much more low key and not pushing for anything. We spoke today for 20 minutes and I basically let her do all the talking, just about stuff... didn't bring us up at all actually.

[ARISthess]

Updade:

 

I didn't lose my second chance after all!

 

As of last night we're back together and planning our future together again!

 

So how did it happen....

 

Well I've been practicing my own form of NC... meaning that I don't text her or anything like that, but every once in a while i'll call her and we'll just talk. I let her speak during most of our conversations and I stay away from our relationship issues.

So we spoke two days ago and I invited her over to watch the game (football, soccer). I know it might sound a bit funny, but she likes sports and we're both fans of the same team ....So she says she'll think about it.

 

Yesterday she contacts me through msn and after beating around the bush for a bit she tells me that she doesn't know if she can come over for the game because her brother also asked her to go watch it together. I told her ok no problem whatever you decide. Then she asks me if I would like to get together with her today (yesterday).

 

So we meet up and go for drinks. Completely opposite from what I did the other three times we got together, I stayed away from talking about us. We spoke about work, family, friends and so on.

 

She brought up the subject on her own. We spoke very openly and she told me that she wants to be with me and that the breakup had nothing to do with the way she felt about me or the way I was treating her. She was happy with me and the life we wanted together.

 

So we've both been out of work for a while... I'm just starting to get back on my feet and she is still jobless. She explained to me that the problem was that she couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.. that our goals and common life just seemed to far away and unachievable, and that was frustrating and depressing her. Over these past two months that we've been apart, she hasn't moved on and hasn't made any changes in her life.

 

She doesn't see a future in our city and feels that the only way to get out of this is to move somewhere else. She was afraid to tell me because she knows that I dont want to move, and she doens't want to pressure me into anything.. that she wants me to do what I want.

 

I told her that its true I don't want to move, but that what I want is to start a family with her. So if we can't do it here we'll do it somewhere else. I told her that we can talk about moving as long as we set specific (career) goals and not just move somewhere and hope its better.

 

She loved it and now we're looking at our future with a different perspective and without any barriers!

 

I did leave out alot of stuff, but thats ok you guys get the picture

[ReturnToSender]

Wow its great to hear that she brought it up and wanted to really talk about things, and it really does look optimistic! Wishing lots and lots of the best in this!

[bleeg]

I'm very happy for you.

Remember, romance, affection and respect. Show it to her.

Yourself? Confident, self control and challenge.

[ARISthess]

Thanks guys!

 

And yes Bleeg, I will keep these in my mind always

[ARISthess]

Update:

 

So she didn't come over for the game, but she came over then next night (last night - and yes, I'm located in a different time zone than most of you ).

 

I prepared something to eat and we had some drinks. We had a nice time... I showed her affection and respect and we both felt nice. The way she looked at me and touched me really showed how much she missed me these two months.

 

I didn't push for anything else, even though we're back together I am still taking it slow and letting it move on its own. She asked me if I would spend the night at her place saturday

 

To all you guys and girls that want to get back what you lost/are losing:

 

Only you know what you have to do to make a second chance work. But I can say for sure that it all begins with self critisizm. Then once you know what went wrong you have to show respect, have persistance and above all be patient.

 

Good luck to all of you trying to make that second chance work!!