welikeincrowds Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I've been dating this girl for about 2 months. We are not exclusive. We tend to see each other once or twice a week, with a text message in between here or there. Our contact is not daily. Our relationship has been pretty casual, as we're both uninterested in relationships right now. We are also both pretty young. I am not seeing anyone else. We had tentative, indefinite plans to get together for a day date last weekend to carve pumpkins we had bought together the weekend before. She had really been looking forward to Halloween, with plans made months in advance. I called her on Thursday, and she said that Saturday during the day could maybe work, but that we should let each other know what our availability is. I texted her on Friday saying that I was sort of available Saturday and definitely on Sunday. She didn't get back to me until Sunday afternoon, with a text message, apologizing for not getting back to me sooner, saying that she was really busy, lots of work to do, she's not even going out that night, blah blah blah. I texted her back saying that sucks and to call me. I haven't contacted her since then. I've been the one to call, plan dates, etc., which is 100% fine. She'll initiate with texts, and she'll call me back, etc. but she never makes a point to call. I mention this because the last thing I said to her was to call me. This is the first time she's ever flaked on me. I believe that she was busy, but I was completely avoided. So the way I see it, I have two options: 1) Write it off as an awkward weekend, call her, ask her out to dinner, put us back on two feet. 2) Wait to see if she calls me, and if I don't hear from her, move on. Thoughts?
Sabali Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Don't wait for any thing or anyone. Take charge. You call her! If she flakes again, back off. Don't ever wait for a woman to call you. Some never will despite being interested in you. I know it sounds crazy but that is the way it is. As a man, the ball is always in your court!
northern_sky Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I'd definitely call her. A lot of people will tell you to wait it out, but I believe in a less passive approach than is generally advised on LS. If I were on the fence about a guy, and he became passive about contacting me, I would most likely write him off altogether. On the other hand, I'd be pleasantly surprised if he showed some initiative.
northern_sky Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Don't ever wait for a woman to call you. Some never will despite being interested in you. I know it sounds crazy but that is the way it is. As a man, the ball is always in your court! True, I usually wait for a guy to call in order to gauge his interest, even occasionally when the ball is technically in my court. As a guy it's hard to be too aggressive, unless she doesn't like you in which case everything you do will be a turn off.
Author welikeincrowds Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 For some reason I wasn't expecting this response. Alright, two trusted opinions. I'll call her tomorrow!
Star Gazer Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 For some reason I wasn't expecting this response. Alright, two trusted opinions. I'll call her tomorrow! Add me as a third. But pay close attention to her response this time around. If she hems and haws or anything...you know what to do.
Author welikeincrowds Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 If she hems and haws or anything...you know what to do. ...do you mean... make reservations for LUNCH?
Sabali Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 ...do you mean... make reservations for LUNCH? Well, you almost got it right. You make reservation for "launch." I believe that is what the kids are calling it these days.
Pfiend101 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 She couldn't even text you she wasn't going to be able to make it? A text takes what?? Five seconds. I wont put up with that kind of behavior personally. She was probably out partying with friends........ LAUNCH:cool:
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 So the way I see it, I have two options: 1) Write it off as an awkward weekend, call her, ask her out to dinner, put us back on two feet. 2) Wait to see if she calls me, and if I don't hear from her, move on. Thoughts? Push forward. Call her... make plans! If she flakes again... drop her. Also... the next time you talk pay attention to her tone.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I texted her on Friday saying that I was sort of available Saturday and definitely on Sunday. She didn't get back to me until Sunday afternoon, with a text message, apologizing for not getting back to me sooner, saying that she was really busy, lots of work to do, she's not even going out that night, blah blah blah. I texted her back saying that sucks and to call me. Load of bollocks. That's classic behaviour of a flake. I don't care if you're the world's busiest person, it takes a matter of seconds to send a text. Mind you, you should have called her. Texting is the wimp's way out. Start looking for other women.
jane-mary Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 As a woman, I'd say call. You've been very casual to her and she's probably wondering if you're really interested. Saturday was a day of halloween parties and calling a guy you're casually dating after 10pm may be misinterpreted as being open to late night calls, then booty calls. From my experience, I don't call or answer guys calls after 10pm because you set the wrong precedence/get judged. it's hard being a woman
waynebrady Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Don't wait for any thing or anyone. Take charge. You call her! If she flakes again, back off. Don't ever wait for a woman to call you. Some never will despite being interested in you. I know it sounds crazy but that is the way it is. As a man, the ball is always in your court! That is aboslutley true. Women never initiate phone calls, ever. Not even in long term relationships nevermind casual dating.
waynebrady Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I'd definitely call her. A lot of people will tell you to wait it out, but I believe in a less passive approach than is generally advised on LS. If I were on the fence about a guy, and he became passive about contacting me, I would most likely write him off altogether. On the other hand, I'd be pleasantly surprised if he showed some initiative. I think most men would be pleasantly surprised if the woman showed some initiative aswell from time to time
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 That is aboslutley true. Women never initiate phone calls, ever. Not even in long term relationships nevermind casual dating. My experience says that your comment is patently false. Some of my exes used to call me or text me constantly.
mogul Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I think most men would be pleasantly surprised if the woman showed some initiative aswell from time to time Totally agree. From making the first move, to the calls, to the planning of the date. It'd be nice for a girl to just simply make it easier on us occasionally.
TheMENemy Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 It is OK to continue to try, but with no emotional investment.
BS76 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I've been dating this girl for about 2 months. We are not exclusive. We tend to see each other once or twice a week, with a text message in between here or there. Our contact is not daily. Our relationship has been pretty casual, as we're both uninterested in relationships right now. We are also both pretty young. I am not seeing anyone else. First off, you need to balance this aspect of the relationship or she'll be walking all over you emotionally, as evidenced by the fact you created this thread. The person least invested holds the power in a relationship, and since she's presumably seeing other people then she is going to be less invested than you are. Just the way it is. We had tentative, indefinite plans to get together for a day date last weekend to carve pumpkins we had bought together the weekend before. She had really been looking forward to Halloween, with plans made months in advance. I called her on Thursday, and she said that Saturday during the day could maybe work, but that we should let each other know what our availability is. I texted her on Friday saying that I was sort of available Saturday and definitely on Sunday. She didn't get back to me until Sunday afternoon, with a text message, apologizing for not getting back to me sooner, saying that she was really busy, lots of work to do, she's not even going out that night, blah blah blah. I texted her back saying that sucks and to call me. I haven't contacted her since then. I've been the one to call, plan dates, etc., which is 100% fine. She'll initiate with texts, and she'll call me back, etc. but she never makes a point to call. I mention this because the last thing I said to her was to call me. Sounds to me like a better deal came along and is getting all of her attention. My earlier advice stands: spin other plates to divide your own attention. If she comes back around wanting to see you again, then so be it. If not, no worries because you'd have other options to pursue. This is the first time she's ever flaked on me. I believe that she was busy, but I was completely avoided. So the way I see it, I have two options: 1) Write it off as an awkward weekend, call her, ask her out to dinner, put us back on two feet. 2) Wait to see if she calls me, and if I don't hear from her, move on. Thoughts? Stop contacting her and slow down the pace of things to match her's. If she takes 3 days to respond to a text then you should do the same. If she replies with one word texts, match that as well as best you can. She sounds very non-committal and it appears to me that she's milking you for validation. If you stop giving it to her she'll begin chasing you for attention instead. That's the place to be IMO because if she starts investing in you first then you'll actually have something to build on. Otherwise you're the guy she does something with when she's got nothing (or nobody) better to do.
Sabali Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 That is aboslutley true. Women never initiate phone calls, ever. Not even in long term relationships nevermind casual dating. Yes. I am on the edge on getting into a LTR right now and this woman almost never call me but when we hang out, she obviously show how much she is into me. Not sure if I am ready for a committed relationship at this time though.
waynebrady Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 My husband is in the forces and away a lot of the time. I know it's not fair but I always expect him to call me first and start to feel a bit insecure if he doesn't-even if it's easier for me to call him. I think that's just how most women are! Yes unfortunatley that is how all of you women are. I think Most men would like it if their SO called them from time to time, It shows you care about him and that you want to talk with him. Unfortunatley women don't care about that and only care about the man making them feel wanted and cared for.
Author welikeincrowds Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 BS76, thanks for your post. I have some responses for you. She sounds very non-committal and it appears to me that she's milking you for validation. Isn't that a little cynical? I'm just as non-committal. That I made this thread and she presumably didn't is, yes, evidence that I'm more invested, I won't deny that. But I think it has more to do with me being a neurotic and less to do with my feelings about her in particular. In other words, my main concern is not whether or not she's "really into me". It's to determine whether this is an excusable or inexcusable display of disrespect. Right now, based on the responses in this thread, I'm leaning toward excusable, as long as she doesn't do it again. Otherwise you're the guy she does something with when she's got nothing (or nobody) better to do. Maybe so. But I think it might be worth mentioning that I could say the same about my feelings toward her. Which is not to say that she doesn't interest me, and I don't like who she is, or any of those things. I just don't see her as relationship material, and I don't think she sees me that way either. I don't want to fall in love. I would like to continue dating her, though. I see a lot of good reasons to date more than one girl at once, but I don't have the time or the energy to do that right now. I think (hope) I get enough external validation from random girls at bars or parties or wherever to remind me that I'm still a catch.
Jannah Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I've been dating this girl for about 2 months. We are not exclusive. We tend to see each other once or twice a week, with a text message in between here or there. Our contact is not daily. Our relationship has been pretty casual, as we're both uninterested in relationships right now. We are also both pretty young. I am not seeing anyone else. We had tentative, indefinite plans to get together for a day date last weekend to carve pumpkins we had bought together the weekend before. She had really been looking forward to Halloween, with plans made months in advance. I called her on Thursday, and she said that Saturday during the day could maybe work, but that we should let each other know what our availability is. I texted her on Friday saying that I was sort of available Saturday and definitely on Sunday. She didn't get back to me until Sunday afternoon, with a text message, apologizing for not getting back to me sooner, saying that she was really busy, lots of work to do, she's not even going out that night, blah blah blah. I texted her back saying that sucks and to call me. I haven't contacted her since then. I've been the one to call, plan dates, etc., which is 100% fine. She'll initiate with texts, and she'll call me back, etc. but she never makes a point to call. I mention this because the last thing I said to her was to call me. This is the first time she's ever flaked on me. I believe that she was busy, but I was completely avoided. So the way I see it, I have two options: 1) Write it off as an awkward weekend, call her, ask her out to dinner, put us back on two feet. 2) Wait to see if she calls me, and if I don't hear from her, move on. Thoughts? If you're not looking for anything serious, and neither is she, then that probably explains the passivity on both your ends. Though, I agree it was rude on her part not to respond back until Sunday, after you reached out to her via text on Friday telling her what your availability was. Has this been the context of the "date planning" overall? BS76, thanks for your post. I have some responses for you. Isn't that a little cynical? I'm just as non-committal. That I made this thread and she presumably didn't is, yes, evidence that I'm more invested, I won't deny that. But I think it has more to do with me being a neurotic and less to do with my feelings about her in particular. In other words, my main concern is not whether or not she's "really into me". It's to determine whether this is an excusable or inexcusable display of disrespect. Right now, based on the responses in this thread, I'm leaning toward excusable, as long as she doesn't do it again. This comes across as a position of superiority on your end, versus a genuine desire to want to spend time together. Maybe so. But I think it might be worth mentioning that I could say the same about my feelings toward her. Which is not to say that she doesn't interest me, and I don't like who she is, or any of those things. I just don't see her as relationship material, and I don't think she sees me that way either. I don't want to fall in love. I would like to continue dating her, though. ....I think you answered your own question then with regard to this thread.
Author welikeincrowds Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) Has this been the context of the "date planning" overall? No. Usually I call her, and when I call her I make a plan. I will rarely, and only recently, plan dates by text. This girl, meanwhile, is a ridiculous texter. She'll text to let me know she has arrived when we meet somewhere, rather than calling. Boggles my mind, really. It also makes her not texting me back less excusable. This comes across as a position of superiority on your end, versus a genuine desire to want to spend time together.I may have come off the wrong way. I don't have any question about whether or not I have a genuine desire to see her, because I do. My question was whether or not she displayed poor character. I'm less able to judge that because I'm involved, so I thought I'd take it to LS. ....I think you answered your own question then with regard to this thread.I'm not sure I follow! From what you bolded, I would think that you'd agree that I should call her and keep it going, since we have matching expectations. Edited November 3, 2010 by welikeincrowds
Jannah Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 No. Usually I call her, and when I call her I make a plan. I will rarely, and only recently, plan dates by text. This girl, meanwhile, is a ridiculous texter. She'll text to let me know she has arrived when we meet somewhere, rather than calling. Boggles my mind, really. It also makes her not texting me back less excusable. So you both have different styles of calling/texting, no biggie. I may have come off the wrong way. I don't have any question about whether or not I have a genuine desire to see her, because I do. My question was whether or not she displayed poor character. I'm less able to judge that because I'm involved, so I thought I'd take it to LS. Do you think she displayed poor character? That is what matters most, because you are the one who is dating her. I'm not sure I follow! YOU WROTE: I just don't see her as relationship material.I don't want to fall in love. The question of whether or not she flaked and if it is representative of her overall character, is hard to say in this case, since her response to you may be reflective upon what you wrote above.
Author welikeincrowds Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Thanks everyone for your input. I have an update and I need your help again. This post is a little long, can't figure out how to condense it further. My B. I called her on Wednesday, intending to ask her out to dinner and to pay attention to her tone. I was in a great mood. She picked up right away, had her girly voice happening, giggling at my jokes and ****, and generally seemed delighted to be speaking to me. So far so good, right? I asked her what she was doing on Thursday, and she said that she has plans to hang out with her best friend. They often hang out on Thursday nights, so I half-expected this -- but she also told me that he quit school last Friday, and is leaving to return to their hometown this weekend. These two are really close, so that's a big deal. She said she wants to stay available for him this weekend, but also that she wants to see me. For what's it worth (not much), she sounded genuinely conflicted. (In case you're wondering, I don't think they're anything more than good friends, but even if they were, I wouldn't have any interest in competing with that, since they've known each other since high school.) I told her that I understood, and that I obviously prefer that she see him as much as possible. But I also asked if that meant I couldn't make a plan with her. She said that she'd call me today (Friday) to let me know if she's available for dinner, to see if I hadn't already made other plans. I have no interest in competing for her attention this weekend. When she told me that, I thought to myself "Who are you kidding, you're unavailable," and again, I actually prefer that given the circumstances. But for some reason, I let her decide to call me, rather than stopping her to say that we should plan for next week instead. Probably because I was also enjoying the conversation and wanted to leave the possibility open. Here's the problem: my spider sense is telling me that she's not going to call. She may still, but it's getting late. It's not about going to dinner -- I already have other plans (partayyy ). It's just that I am expecting her to call me, as a courtesy and because she told me she would, and if she doesn't it will turn me off, especially considering that she blew me off last week. At the same time, I'm not sure I was a clear enough communicator on my end. I don't think she knows the extent to which I would be expecting this call. I think she may just be expecting me to be busy, and may also think that I'm assuming her to be busy, and so won't call for the sake of, I don't know, not interrupting me, or not thinking it's necessary, or not having to rub it in that she can't make dinner, or whatever other reason. You see? So, I don't know what to do. If she doesn't call/text/email/letter-write/smoke signal me, I'll probably be ego-bruised/annoyed/turned off, and won't want to bother pursuing her anymore. But I don't want to react that way if this is just a simple misunderstanding. At the same time, I wouldn't know what to do if she doesn't call me back. I would feel like an idiot calling her to make a solid plan for a THIRD time in a row. It's almost like I'd have no choice but to LUNCH her. Even if she does call me back, actively trying to make plans, I'd still feel a little bit like a chump. But that could be an over-reaction, again, if this were just a misunderstanding and not disrespect, and here she is earnestly trying to reconcile. What do you make of all this? What should my next course of action be? If it's LUNCH, so be it. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
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