Relationship to "just friends"

[annie]

Guess I kind of hit the wrong button and my message was posted twice. Thanks Elmer for your input. I guess I need to clarify that I really hadn't met someone new after 3 weeks. I just kind of told him that, because I had a deep gut feeling that he was going to break up with me, and I guess pride didn't want him to know how much it hurt. He didn't say he had anything to do with this married woman, other than it was just business. Maybe I need to say that I had a difficult time in our relationship with jealousy, and I really was working on my problem. So, I think, maybe, he was just trying to reassure me that it was just business with this woman. Sorry, I gave the impression that I went out and found someone new, because I really hadn't. I cared way too much for him to do that, and even now, it's difficult for me to want to go out with anyone else. I am trying the friend thing, and just talking about general things - my day, family, work, etc., but no feelings or anything about us. I know everyone says not to write or ignore him, but that doesn't seem to work with my b/f. I stopped signing my letters with love, and saying anything about my feelings. I was working on the things he had problems with me - before the breakup - but, he only seems to be working on my issues now that we're "friends."

[Elmer]

Hi again Annie,

 

your response deserves another follow-up:

He didn't say he had anything to do with this married woman, other than it was just business.

For him be truthful about this it'd basically mean that he'd lose his job if he didn't sleep with this woman. Can't say I've heard of that job before. Doesn't sound right.

Maybe I need to say that I had a difficult time in our relationship with jealousy

Unless there's complete trust or no opportunity to break that implicit trust, jealousy will figure. But unless you were calling him every half hour when he was out/or not letting him go out, there's not any reason for him to worry. You've been the one dealing with your own jealousy, and I'm guessing you only expressed it when you had really worked yourself up over it. But jealousy won't go while there's even a hint of playing around. And that's recent first hand experience.

I am trying the friend thing, and just talking about general things - my day, family, work, etc., but no feelings or anything about us.

And that must be REALLY hard to do. All the advice I've been given is to break it off clean and save yourself the heartache, because no amount of being just friends is going to advance your real relationship. Maybe he'll miss you once he realizes that you don't need him, maybe you really will just find that you didn't want him anyway.

[annie]

Thanks Elmer for your response. I will take your advice into consideration, but need to add one more thing - this business trip was not one my b/f took for his company. It was one he took overseas to check out a business. I didn't know about the "married woman" until he came home and told me about her. I can't be certain that he slept with her, because I have no way of knowing this. And, I think you are right - maybe I just really don't need him in my life, but we've been through so much together - and I do care about him as a person. I don't know everything which happened on this trip he took, but there are some problems still pending with it, so I don't know the outcome yet. Thanks for you advice - and,maybe I am content to just be friends at this point in time.

Hi again Annie, your response deserves another follow-up:

 

For him be truthful about this it'd basically mean that he'd lose his job if he didn't sleep with this woman. Can't say I've heard of that job before. Doesn't sound right. Unless there's complete trust or no opportunity to break that implicit trust, jealousy will figure. But unless you were calling him every half hour when he was out/or not letting him go out, there's not any reason for him to worry. You've been the one dealing with your own jealousy, and I'm guessing you only expressed it when you had really worked yourself up over it. But jealousy won't go while there's even a hint of playing around. And that's recent first hand experience. And that must be REALLY hard to do. All the advice I've been given is to break it off clean and save yourself the heartache, because no amount of being just friends is going to advance your real relationship. Maybe he'll miss you once he realizes that you don't need him, maybe you really will just find that you didn't want him anyway.