External validation from men

[EyeAlone]

****. If I had to pick one trait of myself that I hate the most, it's my need for external validation from men. If I'm not in a relationship, I feel as if I'm a fish flopping around on dry land. I feel like I need their love and companionship just as a fish needs its water. Whenever I'm not in a relationship or dating someone, I am actively and obsessively seeking someone out. Fortunately I still have some standards and I won't date the first guy that asks me out. But having said that, like I said, I'm obsessed with the fact that I'm single with no prospects. I don't know why I'm like that, but I wish I wasn't like that. I've been like this ever since I was 16. There always has to be at least a guy in my radar otherwise I feel empty and incomplete.

 

It's really pathetic that have these thoughts. I have good friends. My family is supportive. I'm pursuing my dream career. Every day at work/school I'm helping save lives. One would think that I would be fulfilled and internally happy with all these things going my way. WRONG. All that stuff seems meaningless to me unless there's a guy around. I know my friends and family love me in a platonic way and my patients love me in a thankful way. But it's not the same as romantic love, and that's what I want!

 

Before anyone asks, yes, I am getting counseling and on medication for depression. But it's just not helping. I HATE THIS!

 

Any advice?

[carhill]

First, congrats on your pursuit of a medical career. It's a great way to contribute to society.

 

Second, would you say your perceptions of men (their personalities, behaviors, perspectives) you've dated mirror your primary male role model, or not? In what ways?

 

Third, since I didn't go back and read all your threads, what would you say is the longest continuous period of being totally alone that you've ever experienced? No boyfriends, nothing more than an occasional casual date.... how long? How do you feel about that..?

 

BTW, I went through over a year of MC with a psychologist. Give your therapy time. Be open to acceptance and change. You can do anything you *want*. Your career is evidence of that. Own it

[Star Gazer]

I have a thread on this subject. Here's my advice: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t246608/

[EyeAlone]

First, congrats on your pursuit of a medical career. It's a great way to contribute to society.

 

Second, would you say your perceptions of men (their personalities, behaviors, perspectives) you've dated mirror your primary male role model, or not? In what ways?

 

Third, since I didn't go back and read all your threads, what would you say is the longest continuous period of being totally alone that you've ever experienced? No boyfriends, nothing more than an occasional casual date.... how long? How do you feel about that..?

 

BTW, I went through over a year of MC with a psychologist. Give your therapy time. Be open to acceptance and change. You can do anything you *want*. Your career is evidence of that. Own it

Thanks, Carhill, I appreciate it.

 

The only way the men have mirrored my primary role model (my father) was their science background. He is a pragmatic, stoic type of guy and I can't say that my exes fit that description. I have a weird relationship with my dad. When I was younger, I was terrified of him because he was one of those types that would scold me if I only got a 95% on my homework and not a 100%. But now when I see where I have become academically and in the medical field, I really appreciate him pushing me although I didn't see it that way when I was younger. My exes were never the stoic type. I'm not sure, maybe there is a connection and I'm not seeing it. Anyway, I've gone back and honestly evaluated each of my exes and picked out their flaws that contributed to the downfall of the relationship:

 

Ex #1: Liked to party, lived in the moment, admitted that he didn't want to grow up, not goal-oriented

Ex #2: Had issues with addiction (heroin in the past and in my relationship he was obsessed with pornography and abused alcohol which led to occasional physical attacks...), poor communication skills

Ex #3: Too much emotional baggage/still emotionally attached with previous exes

 

They all seem so different! But wait! I think I realized something....they all were socially awkward in one way or another. #1 basically had to be drinking at a party in order to socialize, #2 literally had no friends, and #3 thought he was too "elite" to make friends with people in this country.

 

Could that mean something?

 

The longest period I went being totally alone was 6 months (between ex #2 and ex #3) and although I obviously survived it, I was miserable. I was always on the lookout for another potential suitor. My grades also dropped, unfortunately, because I just didn't care and it was difficult to concentrate/focus. My depression took a turn for the worse.

 

To also make matters worse at this moment, my good friends are out of town for school reasons for the next couple of months. ****, the one time that I really need them and they're gone.

[carhill]

Great responses. Thanks

 

Now, here's something you can do offline. Evaluate who *you* were/are in each of those relationships; the one with your father, and, later, each of your ex'es. You're the common link and you're the one with the question.

 

Sometimes a good psychologist can be an excellent mirror. Direct your therapist into these areas of exploration.

 

I'll give an example..... short version

 

My female role model (mom) was a hard-working, loving (in her actions) mother and wife for all of my life and until my dad died (for him). She taught me empathy and the philosophy of caring for others.

 

In my dating life, and also in my marriage, I tended to pick women who needed caring for, either obviously, or due to past hidden hurts from childhood or prior relationships. Some were 'broken'; some were 'wounded'.

 

Here's the common denominator: By caring for them and showing them that a man can be a gentle, caring and loyal partner, I fed my own ego with that perceived success. It wasn't a selfless, caring act entirely, or at all in some cases. I validated my worth, my success in my role model's eyes, through my efforts and love. Looking back, with the help of MC, I can see that clearly now. Obviously, a marriage, or relationships in general, are far more complex than I'm covering here, but, simply, it was my own psychology and how I reacted and chose (women) which dictated my ultimate path.

 

I think Star's thread on internal validation is a great read. I hope you give it some attention and reflection.

 

IME, the real work on self occurs when one is alone. It is part of why I've substantially enforced a moratorium on dating/relationships in the 18 months my ex and I have been separated, pending divorce. Alone time is time for reflection and growth. BTW, I didn't start to see real, tangible understanding and change until I was about 8 months into the MC process. It was at that point where I finally started to accept and embrace the possibilities of change and growth. It's still a bumpy road, but life is like that.

 

Now that mom recently died and my ex and I are divorcing, it's just me and the cat. It is the definition of 'alone', yet I feel more connected than I ever have. That's the change. That's the work. That's the success. One day at a time. Good luck

[somedude81]

EyeAlone, I feel the exact same way that you do. I feel incomplete without somebody in my life. I love female attention and am down when I'm not getting any.

 

You're lucky that the longest period you've been alone is only 6 months. Imagine what it would be like feeling like you do while being alone for years...

[carhill]

Though it's nothing to be 'proud' of, I lived alone from age 25 when I bought my first home until 41 when I got married. Probably five to six years of that time, cumulatively, was spent in relationships, including with my wife-to-be.

 

Fortunately, the OP has identified an issue which is affecting her psyche and ability to form long-lasting relationships. I never figured that kind of stuff out in all those years alone. So she's actually, IMO, in a really good position to realize and succeed at what she wants for herself.

 

Another example from MC: 'Carhill, what's your biggest fear?' 'Well, dying from this insanity (my caregiving dynamic) is one of them and, if things don't work out with our marriage, losing my life's work in a divorce is another.' ' OK, Carhill, let's work on those'. So, we did, and clarified a lot of personal and marital stuff. With clarity came understanding and acceptance. I didn't fear the insanity or the financial losses anymore. I accepted them as part of living and that they were survivable and it was OK to survive, letting go of order and perfection. It'll all work out

 

So, OP, how's your therapy going? See any parallels of insight?

[Surrealist]

I have a question if you don't mind. Do you feel much more happier / more content when in a long-term relationship?

[carhill]

Here's a bit of a backstory regarding a period of hiatus from LS by the OP. It might be helpful in understanding....

[EyeAlone]

I have a question if you don't mind. Do you feel much more happier / more content when in a long-term relationship?

The answer to that is a big YES. If we are not exclusive then I still feel some internal discomfort and unhappiness.

 

Here's a bit of a backstory regarding a period of hiatus from LS by the OP. It might be helpful in understanding....

Ugh, that was some of the worst pain ever. He was ex #2. I posted my story about ex #3 here but it's under a different screen name. ****, I'll just copy/paste it here for the sake of completeness:

 

A guy that I met on a dating website were together for approx 5 weeks. We really clicked. We hung out during the weekends and would see each other a couple of times during the week. We had lots in common and seemed to enjoy each other's company. Additionally, we both had an "exclusivity talk" and removed our profiles from the website. Sex was also an element, however, he specifically said that we were not FWB. He also said that he was not looking for anyone else. FWIW, he said the sex was great.

 

This past weekend, we went on a camping trip and everything was great. No signs of problems from his side. On Monday, things were also normal and we were both looking forward to Tuesday where we would have dinner together. However, on Tuesday morning he said that he wanted to talk. He said that he "freaked out that morning" and "can't see us together longterm." What the hell??

 

I honestly did not see that coming. I talked to him Monday evening on the phone and there were absolutely no signs of him backing out. Of course I'm hurt, but I'm more shocked than anything since everything seemed so fine. I tried asking him for details as to why he couldn't see us together longterm but he didn't answer. Later Tuesday, he put his profile back up on the dating website.

[EyeAlone]

Though it's nothing to be 'proud' of, I lived alone from age 25 when I bought my first home until 41 when I got married. Probably five to six years of that time, cumulatively, was spent in relationships, including with my wife-to-be.

 

Fortunately, the OP has identified an issue which is affecting her psyche and ability to form long-lasting relationships. I never figured that kind of stuff out in all those years alone. So she's actually, IMO, in a really good position to realize and succeed at what she wants for herself.

 

Another example from MC: 'Carhill, what's your biggest fear?' 'Well, dying from this insanity (my caregiving dynamic) is one of them and, if things don't work out with our marriage, losing my life's work in a divorce is another.' ' OK, Carhill, let's work on those'. So, we did, and clarified a lot of personal and marital stuff. With clarity came understanding and acceptance. I didn't fear the insanity or the financial losses anymore. I accepted them as part of living and that they were survivable and it was OK to survive, letting go of order and perfection. It'll all work out

 

So, OP, how's your therapy going? See any parallels of insight?

The only parallel I can think of that we've discussed is the fact that my parents weren't very affectionate with me. There were very few hugs to go around. I know that they care about me, but they did a poor job of displaying it. No matter how hard I tried to please them, they didn't display affection. My therapist thinks that's why I am always seeking out validation. But we haven't really discussed how to fix it because other sh*t keeps coming up that we have to discuss during our sessions.

 

Meanwhile I keep checking my account on online dating sites (almost hourly!!! wtf) to see if someone messaged me. No one has in the past few days and I'm discouraged that although I live in one of the top largest 5 cities in the USA, I cannot find any attractive men on these websites except for goddamn ex #3. I see that he has been snooping on my Match.com profile and that pisses me off.

 

I HATE this! I don't want to be like this!

[carhill]

This past weekend, we went on a camping trip and everything was great. No signs of problems from his side. On Monday, things were also normal and we were both looking forward to Tuesday where we would have dinner together. However, on Tuesday morning he said that he wanted to talk. He said that he "freaked out that morning" and "can't see us together longterm." *What the hell??*

 

Here's my opinion of this dynamic, though not relevant to your OP, as a man:

 

*Some* men do not have their sexual desire/functionality/perspective married to their emotional and/or spiritual psyche. Those aspects of who they are live in separate places. They can function perfectly fine in the 'oh, baby, you're wonderful, let's have sex' department but, when you begin to engage the 'long-term, committed, emotionally invested' department, a whole new boss and work hierarchy comes into play, one that was not in evidence when the previous noodle wetting shift was on the job. For brevity, sex intimacy progressed but emotional/spiritual intimacy did not. When confronted with that expectation, the emotional crew went on strike. Total job action. See ya.

 

On-topic, good to see you've identified some areas of work with your therapist. Remember, take your time. We're all worthy of healthy love and feeling it in ways which are meaningful to us. It'll all work out

[cozenedindigo]

Great responses. Thanks

 

Now, here's something you can do offline. Evaluate who *you* were/are in each of those relationships; the one with your father, and, later, each of your ex'es. You're the common link and you're the one with the question.

 

Sometimes a good psychologist can be an excellent mirror. Direct your therapist into these areas of exploration.

 

I'll give an example..... short version

 

My female role model (mom) was a hard-working, loving (in her actions) mother and wife for all of my life and until my dad died (for him). She taught me empathy and the philosophy of caring for others.

 

In my dating life, and also in my marriage, I tended to pick women who needed caring for, either obviously, or due to past hidden hurts from childhood or prior relationships. Some were 'broken'; some were 'wounded'.

 

Here's the common denominator: By caring for them and showing them that a man can be a gentle, caring and loyal partner, I fed my own ego with that perceived success. It wasn't a selfless, caring act entirely, or at all in some cases. I validated my worth, my success in my role model's eyes, through my efforts and love. Looking back, with the help of MC, I can see that clearly now. Obviously, a marriage, or relationships in general, are far more complex than I'm covering here, but, simply, it was my own psychology and how I reacted and chose (women) which dictated my ultimate path.

 

I think Star's thread on internal validation is a great read. I hope you give it some attention and reflection.

 

IME, the real work on self occurs when one is alone. It is part of why I've substantially enforced a moratorium on dating/relationships in the 18 months my ex and I have been separated, pending divorce. Alone time is time for reflection and growth. BTW, I didn't start to see real, tangible understanding and change until I was about 8 months into the MC process. It was at that point where I finally started to accept and embrace the possibilities of change and growth. It's still a bumpy road, but life is like that.

 

Now that mom recently died and my ex and I are divorcing, it's just me and the cat. It is the definition of 'alone', yet I feel more connected than I ever have. That's the change. That's the work. That's the success. One day at a time. Good luck

 

WOW. Well done. All the best to you. Someday I'll be able to write here, hopefully soon. But for now I am reading, and I just had to stop here and send you some positive vibes and good affirmation. You're doing great!