Author UntoldStory Posted October 12, 2010 Author Share Posted October 12, 2010 To be honest, that is a pretty simplistic view and I really have to wonder if anyone who has been married would ask it. Someone who has been married for 11 years (and in the middle of separating) did ask it. Someone who cheats is not necessarily looking to fulfill anything that is not existing in the marriage. Cheating is a selfish thing, its an additional option when someone simply wants more. Fair enough! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 To be honest, that is a pretty simplistic view and I really have to wonder if anyone who has been married would ask it. Someone who is happy with their marriage is not necessarily happy with every aspect of their lives including themselves. Someone who cheats is not necessarily looking to fulfill anything that is not existing in the marriage. Cheating is a selfish thing, its an additional option when someone simply wants more. Doesnt mean they dont already have more than enough. Often when someone is happily married ...happy with their spouse, happy with the marriage...but have some part of themselves they are not happy with...they try to fill that hole with someone else. Some people resort to eating...NOT because they are hungry.Yup. There is something missing inside THEM which causes them to have this never ending void that must be filled, whether it be via the attentions of someone other than their spouse, drugs or alcohol, food, World of Warcraft - whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
secretlady76 Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Many people say they're happily married and then they meet someone else who stirs something within them and then they say they're unhappy in their marriage. Thing is, when the A is going well you can say to yourself you are 'unhappy' in your marriage and your spouse is not a patch on your AP but when the A is discovered, suddenly the AP doesn't seem so wonderful and the spouse is all you want and it is only then do you realise that you were 'happily married' all along......weird.... Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I asked my guy about this. To try and sum up a long convo it boils down to being grateful for what you have rather than dare acknowledge how much more life could give you. If you decide to be happy with your lot in life it means you don't hanker and aren't miserable. You settle. Until the day comes when you can no longer continue the denial and self-deceit. He told himself that being as no one has the 'perfect life' maybe the best thing was to be grateful for what he DID have, even if they were fairly superficial and not meaningful or particularly fulfilling. Better than feeling like you're missing out (which of course was the very thing he needed to acknowledge). Link to post Share on other sites
Author UntoldStory Posted October 13, 2010 Author Share Posted October 13, 2010 I asked my guy about this. To try and sum up a long convo it boils down to being grateful for what you have rather than dare acknowledge how much more life could give you. If you decide to be happy with your lot in life it means you don't hanker and aren't miserable. You settle. Until the day comes when you can no longer continue the denial and self-deceit. He told himself that being as no one has the 'perfect life' maybe the best thing was to be grateful for what he DID have, even if they were fairly superficial and not meaningful or particularly fulfilling. Better than feeling like you're missing out (which of course was the very thing he needed to acknowledge). I get that. So you're "happily married" bc the idea of being "unhappily married" is a lot to deal with. The label itself is pretty heavy and you certainly wouldn't want others to think you're unhappily married, and even worse to think it yourself, because then you have to shake everything up. It's rough. Plus, of course, different people value different things in a marriage. If what you care most about is sex, you are never going to be happy in a sexless marriage, while someone else might think that's their idea of the perfect union... Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 Yes, there are such sitch... then one of the S finds "amazing" (as some around here call it) and I guess it becomes a benchmark for what "happily" meant or means. Then shyte hits the fan and rollercoaster ride begins. After reading soooooooo (did I say sooooo?) many stories here and living the nightmare that I did, I don't see why anyone would complicate their lives this bad. People go after a feeling, yet they actually go numb. It's cherry-picking, when it comes to the stories (at least here) that have a 'better' ending. I can't really say 'amazing' ending. Odds are few others were hurt in the process. What's so "amazing" about that? Of course, there's the exception... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 I agree. And the link posted by the OP started out as "I am in a happy marriage" but as was said, when you read into it, then you do find that he has problems. I think most people who say that use the phrase to indicate how their marriage is not filled with angry outbursts or fighting. They think that since the marriage is not headed to divorce courts and overall they are content (except this one "small" area) then they are happy. And this guy followed up with why he chose an affair...dull sex. IMO many people (maybe even most) who say they are in happy marriages and choose an affair, really are not in a happy marriage when questioned further. I think your right and realistic James as this is what I have found also in both men and women. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 I have no experience with what I am about to explore here, other than what I have read several times on this forum... I have heard people say variations of " I /He/ She didnt know I was unhappy until I met my affair partner". And that seems sometimes like a fair justification, as in you dont know what a happy relationship is , you dont know what good is....until you have it. Until you have something to compare it to. So, lets take that. Most of us can agree that an affair is simply not the same relationship as a full time marriage. There are HUGE elements that make a married life simply that - LIFE. And there are HUGE elements that make an affair, a part time relationship, a nice extra compartment with only nice things.So, they are vastly different. Whether your affair leads to a full time relationship/partnership after the marriage dissolves cannot really be predicted. But back to "I didnt know I wasnt happy". Well, if you dont know you are unhappy...you are either happy or comfortable or content or indifferent or....lots of things but not unhappy. You'd know. So...evrything is cool and then because you have been living with yourself and your routine and your job, and your morals and responsibilities just like everyone else... You meet someone. Someone special who is available to you. BOOM. Oh!!! That vague sense of restlessness, that small desire to have MORE or CHANGE that everyone feels occasionally during life..... Its NOT my fault!!!! I must be unhappy. This affair enhances my life so my marriage must be lacking!!! I am now justified in completely f'g over my spouse. I will now be happier and thats probably GOOD for everyone. So, they find something they want. They justify having it by making it someone else's OR the marriages fault, and they screw over everyone who they have built & promised a life with AND even tell themselves its a good thing. Better, convince others of the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 I have no experience with what I am about to explore here, other than what I have read several times on this forum... I have heard people say variations of " I /He/ She didnt know I was unhappy until I met my affair partner". And that seems sometimes like a fair justification, as in you dont know what a happy relationship is , you dont know what good is....until you have it. Until you have something to compare it to. So, lets take that. Most of us can agree that an affair is simply not the same relationship as a full time marriage. There are HUGE elements that make a married life simply that - LIFE. And there are HUGE elements that make an affair, a part time relationship, a nice extra compartment with only nice things.So, they are vastly different. Whether your affair leads to a full time relationship/partnership after the marriage dissolves cannot really be predicted. But back to "I didnt know I wasnt happy". Well, if you dont know you are unhappy...you are either happy or comfortable or content or indifferent or....lots of things but not unhappy. You'd know. So...evrything is cool and then because you have been living with yourself and your routine and your job, and your morals and responsibilities just like everyone else... How about people who pretend to themselves to be happy, because they think it is absolutely the right thing in life to do? It's what their parents did? It's what one does... Until events in life mean that pretending can no longer continue? Namely being cheated on, and a few other things perhaps. I'm not condoning cheating. AND I like your post but I think it totally overlooks the existence and POWER of hindsight. I 'thought' I was happy in my job. I 'thought'' I was okay drinking to excess and living it up, I 'thought'' I needed those drugs to get me through life, I 'thought' I was happy in my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I'm not condoning cheating. AND I like your post but I think it totally overlooks the existence and POWER of hindsight. I 'thought' I was happy in my job. I 'thought'' I was okay drinking to excess and living it up, I 'thought'' I needed those drugs to get me through life, I 'thought' I was happy in my marriage. Yes I get that. And I would say its a valid point. But when making this discovery is not followed up by action and change...its just words. In fact, IF someone had this revelation but still not only changed nothing but then hurt others to hide it.... Nah. Not buying that. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 Any thoughts on why anyone who is in an A would call themselves this? What on earth does it mean to be "happily married" if you are trying to meet a relationship need that is not being met within your marriage? In the cheater handbook, 'happily married' = 'no intention or reason to divorce'. A person can be anywhere from bored to quite content and still feel the need for the thrill of the new without wanting to get rid of the old so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
broken12 Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 My FWS WAS TOTALLY happy in our relationship. He knows he was, he TOLD me he was, he TELLS me he was, he told me only today that he knew he had totally found his spot in life. He loved me, my kids, our lifestyle, our sex life, our affection. THERE was NOTHING WRONG. Our life wasn't even remotely dull. He had a texting EA because and only because HE FANCIED HER, it was exciting, fun, a thrill and apparently when you're in an A you think about NOTHING else. So what did he get from MOW that he didn't get from me? Newness. I had regularly told him pre A how wonderful he was, how lucky I was, he wasn't lacking in any sort of verbal admiration or appreciation. So why did it mean more coming from HER? Because when I told him how wonderful he was, I wasn't risking anything. I wasn't risking my children's happiness, I wasn't risking losing my lifestyle and my reputaion. SHE was so therefore it meant more. There wasn't ANYTHING lacking in our relationship. We had it all. He still had an A. It happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 That's pretty twisted. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 When some people cheat, the marriage and spouse may be the best things that ever happened to them. Yet they still cheat. Thats why so often, the WS and even the BS come to realize it had nothing to do with the marriage and less to do with OW. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 2sure. You are exactly right. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Any thoughts on why anyone who is in an A would call themselves this? yup. likes their marriage, doesn't want to change their home life/situation....just wants to f### a new face once in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
wheelwright Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 yup. likes their marriage, doesn't want to change their home life/situation....just wants to f### a new face once in a while. Or make love with a new person. I have friends who are in an open M who decided they wanted to f*** other faces. As are sometimes about more than that. You may have your morals all dusted. But the reasons you ascribe to the behaviour only belittle the complexity. While I admire simplicity, please think about when you say people in As want to f*** others in the face of their own cowardice. Because sometimes an A is the start of a new strength, and not about cheating for the WS. It doesn't make it right in the smaller picture, but there's a bigger picture. Yeah, I know where you move on and fix up with someone who never cheats. What about the rest? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 I'm not condoning cheating. AND I like your post but I think it totally overlooks the existence and POWER of hindsight. I 'thought' I was happy in my job. I 'thought'' I was okay drinking to excess and living it up, I 'thought'' I needed those drugs to get me through life, I 'thought' I was happy in my marriage. Yes I get that. And I would say its a valid point. But when making this discovery is not followed up by action and change...its just words. In fact, IF someone had this revelation but still not only changed nothing but then hurt others to hide it.... Nah. Not buying that. In the cheater handbook, 'happily married' = 'no intention or reason to divorce'. A person can be anywhere from bored to quite content and still feel the need for the thrill of the new without wanting to get rid of the old so to speak. Both great posts! Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 IMO, claiming that something is complex is an attempt to sidestep accountability. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 In the cheater handbook, 'happily married' = 'no intention or reason to divorce'. A person can be anywhere from bored to quite content and still feel the need for the thrill of the new without wanting to get rid of the old so to speak. Great post ! "Happily married" its just a way of saying "I have no intention to move out of my marriage" IMO there are 2 cases : 1 - Accidental shortterm affair -saying I'm happily married = Probably true (that's why the affair doesn't last) 2 - Long term affair and feelings for AP - saying I'm happily married = Lie Long term affairs complete what is missing in the M. Why on earth would someone happy complicate his/her life having a double relationship if he/she feels in complete with his/her spouse. Having a double life is a hell, why would someone normal do this to himself ? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) Or make love with a new person. no, i had it right the first time. but I'll tell you what...tell your spouse that it was making love and not just sex and see how well that is received:o because if it truly was making love, then you shouldn't be married to the person you betrayed. Edited October 20, 2010 by Dexter Morgan Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 I'm happily married. But I am not having an affair. If tomorrow I start an affair, does that mean that I was wrong today? I don't think so. I think it means that I choose to have an affair for whatever reason I want to. MM that cheat and admit to being happily married are either lying to the AP, lying to themselves, or really are happily married and just want a little excitement. A little bit of risk and a little bit of variety. No matter whether he truly is happily married or not, I don't think a MM that is telling his OW that he is happily married plans on leaving his marriage anytime soon. Look how hard it is for the ones that are so unhappily married with monster for wives to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 In the cheater handbook, 'happily married' = 'no intention or reason to divorce'. A person can be anywhere from bored to quite content and still feel the need for the thrill of the new without wanting to get rid of the old so to speak. This may be so for that subgroup of MM/MWs that are cheaters. For those who are confused or conflicted, more likely they're deeply in denial about their own marital unhappiness, having lost touch with their own feelings (or having been told so often they came to believe it that their own feelings lacked validity and they had no right to such) and having no external reference point with which to compare accurately. Moreover, admitting (to oneself or another) that one's M is unhappy is an indictment of oneself - if your M is unhappy, what are you doing about it? Why are you still there? Admitting to an unhappy M is like hanging a great big LOSER sign around your neck - it's essentially saying, I'm not OK with the way things are but I lack the capacity to change my own life to make things any better, so I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself. Not exactly sexy, is it - and certainly not going to get you into anyone's knickers.... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 'happily married' = 'no intention or reason to divorce'. Also, on the above - "happily married" was a minimum criteria for MMs I propositioned, as I've stated before. I mistakenly believed that it meant they had "no intention or reason to divorce". I was very wrong. While some of them did indeed keep their end of the bargain and stay in their Ms, others did leave - despite knowing in no uncertain terms that this would mean the end of the A (my A with my now-H was different in that respect). But leave they did - whether or not they'd had the "intention" or "reason" at the outset of the A or not. Fact was, during the A they developed (or came round to acknowledging) the reason / intention, which they then acted on - possibly as a direct result of the exposure to alternatives that the A provided. Whatever a MM / MW declares as an intention or reason upfront may have very little resemblance to the way things play out in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UntoldStory Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) Moreover, admitting (to oneself or another) that one's M is unhappy is an indictment of oneself - if your M is unhappy, what are you doing about it? Why are you still there? Admitting to an unhappy M is like hanging a great big LOSER sign around your neck - it's essentially saying, I'm not OK with the way things are but I lack the capacity to change my own life to make things any better, so I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself. Not exactly sexy, is it - and certainly not going to get you into anyone's knickers.... Yes, and to make a huge generalization, it seems to me that men are more concerned about looking like a failure in a marriage than women are, and so therefore are more likely a) to deny that they're unhappy and b) to stick with a marriage that's not working, just to prove they can make it work. Maybe that's essentially the same thing carhill was saying before (was this on another thread? I can't find it now LOL), but it didn't make sense to me until now. Edited October 21, 2010 by UntoldStory Link to post Share on other sites
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