UntoldStory Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Any thoughts on why anyone who is in an A would call themselves this? What on earth does it mean to be "happily married" if you are trying to meet a relationship need that is not being met within your marriage?
herenow Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Any thoughts on why anyone who is in an A would call themselves this? What on earth does it mean to be "happily married" if you are trying to meet a relationship need that is not being met within your marriage? It means a MM wants to have an affair and not be asked to leave his marriage. He is basically telling the OW that he is happy with the way things are. IMO
greengoddess Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 It's simple. He wants variety. His wife can give him a lot of things but if she's a tiny blonde she can't give him a buxom brunette. Filet gets monotonous day in and day out. A little seafood can be a nice change.
herenow Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 It's simple. He wants variety. His wife can give him a lot of things but if she's a tiny blonde she can't give him a buxom brunette. Filet gets monotonous day in and day out. A little seafood can be a nice change. That is certanly a possibility, but did you have to go the seafood route GG?
Confused4Now Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 It means he's been doing this for quite some time and he's good at it.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 A little seafood can be a nice change. LOL!! I actually was thinking less about the MM who tell their OW that they're happily married, and more about posts I've read where people are describing their situations: "I'm happily married and having an affair." I'm not being snarky or judgemental, honestly don't really get the definition of "happy" in that case.
thomasb Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 There are needs that have to be met within yourself not the marriage you know. Your spouse can reinforce self confidence for instance, but cannot instill it in you. I cheated because of issues I had. There wasn't thing one wrong with either my marriage or my wife, she couldn't be more perfect to me. The imperfect one was me. Until I discovered that I couldn't function well in ANY relationship.
herenow Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 LOL!! I actually was thinking less about the MM who tell their OW that they're happily married, and more about posts I've read where people are describing their situations: "I'm happily married and having an affair." I'm not being snarky or judgemental, honestly don't really get the definition of "happy" in that case. Where are these posts? I don't remember seeing any posts from married people who say they are happy with the affair situation. If you can post a link, then maybe I can understand your question better. Thanks.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 There are needs that have to be met within yourself not the marriage you know. Your spouse can reinforce self confidence for instance, but cannot instill it in you. I cheated because of issues I had. There wasn't thing one wrong with either my marriage or my wife, she couldn't be more perfect to me. The imperfect one was me. Until I discovered that I couldn't function well in ANY relationship. That makes a lot of sense.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Where are these posts? I don't remember seeing any posts from married people who say they are happy with the affair situation. If you can post a link, then maybe I can understand your question better. Thanks. Well, this one, for starters: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t248995/
Snowflower Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Any thoughts on why anyone who is in an A would call themselves this? What on earth does it mean to be "happily married" if you are trying to meet a relationship need that is not being met within your marriage? Whenever I read that someone is "happily married" but still cheats, I want to throw up! Seriously, why would they risk all their happiness for an affair? If someone cheats in a "happy marriage" then there is likely something broken within them. I think it is a huge red flag for the potential AP if their MP is "happy" and still willing to cheat. Beware: nothing will ever make the MP happy!
herenow Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 (edited) Well, this one, for starters: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t248995/ Well, in the first line of his thread he mentions that he finds sex with his wife dull. I would say that is a less than happy marriage as he said that is the reason for the affair. He just wants to have his wife at home and exiting sex on the side. Maybe that is what makes him happy. Edited October 12, 2010 by herenow
Star_Bright Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Maybe they are just deluding themselves? It seems to me that sometimes people let the status quo continue in a relationship when they're not happy. Instead of facing the issue or trying to face it, they just keep on keepin' on and telling themselves they're happy. Denial. Maybe they try to escape it in other methods like drinking, working too much, getting really involved in some sport or hobby, etc. To me an affair seems like it can be an escape like that, but it can also be an eye-opening experience where the MP thinks, wow, this person opened up my eyes to how unhappy I was and what I was really missing. I'm not saying this makes it right, but I think it happens a lot. Because it's hard for people to look critically at their own reality and make changes on their own; it's easier once someone else comes along.
Star_Bright Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Well, in the first line of his thread he mentions that he finds sex with his wife dull. I would say that is a less than happy marriage as he said that is the reason for the affair. He just wants to have his wife at home and exiting sex on the side. Maybe that is what makes him happy. True... like overall they are happy and like the status quo of being married, but one or two or three things are glaringly missing. So they go fill the void with someone else. Doesn't sound ideal to me but I think this happens a lot.
Circular Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 "Happily Married" is a statement made out of denial. It comes from the fact that the MM probably isn't cognizant of what he's lacking or what needs are being fulfilled that are pulling him into the A. His marriage is running on auto-pilot, kinda like those two pilots that were playing with their laptops and over-shot the runway. He's not 'unhappy' so he assumes he's happy. It's a dumb thing to say because it shows how unaware the person is of their own lives and whats happening in their interpersonal relationships.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Maybe they are just deluding themselves? It seems to me that sometimes people let the status quo continue in a relationship when they're not happy. Instead of facing the issue or trying to face it, they just keep on keepin' on and telling themselves they're happy. Denial. Maybe they try to escape it in other methods like drinking, working too much, getting really involved in some sport or hobby, etc. To me an affair seems like it can be an escape like that, but it can also be an eye-opening experience where the MP thinks, wow, this person opened up my eyes to how unhappy I was and what I was really missing. I'm not saying this makes it right, but I think it happens a lot. Because it's hard for people to look critically at their own reality and make changes on their own; it's easier once someone else comes along. This is exactly what happened to me, actually. But once I realized I was in the A, I immediately looked at my M and realized how much was missing, so at that point I couldn't say I was happy anymore... But the comments so far have been great, made me think about this in a different way. I've been thinking a lot about how happy is happy enough to stay married. I'm starting to see that the threshhold for this is totally unique to each individual.
herenow Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 "Happily Married" is a statement made out of denial. It comes from the fact that the MM probably isn't cognizant of what he's lacking or what needs are being fulfilled that are pulling him into the A. His marriage is running on auto-pilot, kinda like those two pilots that were playing with their laptops and over-shot the runway. He's not 'unhappy' so he assumes he's happy. It's a dumb thing to say because it shows how unaware the person is of their own lives and whats happening in their interpersonal relationships. Or, maybe he is happy being married and doing whatever he wants behind his BW's back. Or in the case of the previous thread, doing whatever he wants with his wife around the corner.
Silly_Girl Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Maybe they are just deluding themselves? It seems to me that sometimes people let the status quo continue in a relationship when they're not happy. Instead of facing the issue or trying to face it, they just keep on keepin' on and telling themselves they're happy. Denial. Maybe they try to escape it in other methods like drinking, working too much, getting really involved in some sport or hobby, etc. To me an affair seems like it can be an escape like that, but it can also be an eye-opening experience where the MP thinks, wow, this person opened up my eyes to how unhappy I was and what I was really missing. I'm not saying this makes it right, but I think it happens a lot. Because it's hard for people to look critically at their own reality and make changes on their own; it's easier once someone else comes along. Wot she said!!! Thanks SB, saved me typing.
Circular Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 This is exactly what happened to me, actually. But once I realized I was in the A, I immediately looked at my M and realized how much was missing, so at that point I couldn't say I was happy anymore... But the comments so far have been great, made me think about this in a different way. I've been thinking a lot about how happy is happy enough to stay married. I'm starting to see that the threshhold for this is totally unique to each individual. This was more my experience.
thomasb Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 (edited) circular, I wasn't in denial at all. There were issues and problems, but they were all inside me. The affair forced me into counselling to address these issues. Fourteen years later I am still happily married. But, now I am well enough to not base my happiness and emotional health on someone else building my ego up. I don't need the external validation I did then. I found the ways to discover this within myself. Edited October 12, 2010 by thomasb I never could type
JamesM Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Maybe they are just deluding themselves? It seems to me that sometimes people let the status quo continue in a relationship when they're not happy. Instead of facing the issue or trying to face it, they just keep on keepin' on and telling themselves they're happy. Denial. Maybe they try to escape it in other methods like drinking, working too much, getting really involved in some sport or hobby, etc. To me an affair seems like it can be an escape like that, but it can also be an eye-opening experience where the MP thinks, wow, this person opened up my eyes to how unhappy I was and what I was really missing. I'm not saying this makes it right, but I think it happens a lot. Because it's hard for people to look critically at their own reality and make changes on their own; it's easier once someone else comes along. I agree. And the link posted by the OP started out as "I am in a happy marriage" but as was said, when you read into it, then you do find that he has problems. I think most people who say that use the phrase to indicate how their marriage is not filled with angry outbursts or fighting. They think that since the marriage is not headed to divorce courts and overall they are content (except this one "small" area) then they are happy. And this guy followed up with why he chose an affair...dull sex. IMO many people (maybe even most) who say they are in happy marriages and choose an affair, really are not in a happy marriage when questioned further.
Author UntoldStory Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 I think most people who say that use the phrase to indicate how their marriage is not filled with angry outbursts or fighting. They think that since the marriage is not headed to divorce courts and overall they are content (except this one "small" area) then they are happy. This is my suspicion. I wonder if my kids think my H and I have a "happy marriage." They probably do. And that is sad. And that is why I need to get out.
joey66 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Happily married doesn't mean perfectly married. It's not a binary choice - happy or unhappy. It's a continuous scale. Happily married means the good outweighs the bad, IMO. So I totally get how someone could be happily married yet still find himself or herself in an A. I think it happens a lot.
2sure Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 What on earth does it mean to be "happily married" if you are trying to meet a relationship need that is not being met within your marriage? To be honest, that is a pretty simplistic view and I really have to wonder if anyone who has been married would ask it. Someone who is happy with their marriage is not necessarily happy with every aspect of their lives including themselves. Someone who cheats is not necessarily looking to fulfill anything that is not existing in the marriage. Cheating is a selfish thing, its an additional option when someone simply wants more. Doesnt mean they dont already have more than enough. Often when someone is happily married ...happy with their spouse, happy with the marriage...but have some part of themselves they are not happy with...they try to fill that hole with someone else. Some people resort to eating...NOT because they are hungry.
BruceLeroy Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Dunno. Maybe their poly and dont' have to sneak around an that mess. So they are happily married and happily free to sleep with others?
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