Author foundmysoulmate Posted October 12, 2010 Author Share Posted October 12, 2010 Well I am sorry if it seems cruel and heartless but I am trying to be honest with what I am thinking and feeling. My AP is also an EP as we are very deeply connected emotionally as well. If you think this is a parody, I'm lying then that is your right to think that, but this is truthful. I can see things working out and he has said he can see what an amazing life we would have together. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Well I am sorry if it seems cruel and heartless but I am trying to be honest with what I am thinking and feeling. My AP is also an EP as we are very deeply connected emotionally as well. If you think this is a parody, I'm lying then that is your right to think that, but this is truthful. I can see things working out and he has said he can see what an amazing life we would have together. If you are honestly planning a life together then please please please do not introduce the families. That will make he deception so much worse. My god what if they become family friends and friends of your kids etc etc. NO do not please do not follow through with this. Please leave your spouses and THEN begin a life together. The pain you are about to inflict is incredible. Go say the old cliche to your spouses. I love you but am not in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I think you & your MM should be happy that your spouses are nice people because generally nice people are easy to be fooled & I am sure you already know this too . So I guess once your spouses know each others you & ap should be getting ample opopurtunities to meet inside the house for your fun . Not a bad idea . That and the trust is there, 100%, I'm sure both BS's haven't a clue that there's an affair going on because of the friendship between them all, the thought never occured, worry isn't there, nothing. Yes, they are going to be hurt and blind sided, there's nothing you can do to change that unless you end the affair and fix your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
cuore_depresso Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 This has got to be one of the cruelest most heartless posts I have ever read. It makes me sick the level of deception you are willing to go to. Same here...holy wow an affair is like the nuclear bomb of relationship killing...but this? I do not know exactly what words I can use...but it is one of the cruelest things I have ever read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foundmysoulmate Posted October 12, 2010 Author Share Posted October 12, 2010 I'm sorry if you think it is cruel, as I said I am just trying to be truthful. Yes they trust us, but on the same hand (because of previous things that have been done) we know that they are not good at covering their own tracks with things they wanted to keep from us. Given that, the chances of them being able to discover the "cover" we put on our tracks is not very likely. My H had an on-line affair for about 6 months and never cleared chat history, cookies, browser history, etc even after confronted when he continued the affair. Now he is a much different person and no longer is verbally abusive to me and no longer scares the kids with yelling, but he still is unaware how to hide/look for things on a computer, phone, etc. So again I am just being truthful Link to post Share on other sites
Circular Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I'm sorry if you think it is cruel, as I said I am just trying to be truthful. Yes they trust us, but on the same hand (because of previous things that have been done) we know that they are not good at covering their own tracks with things they wanted to keep from us. Given that, the chances of them being able to discover the "cover" we put on our tracks is not very likely. My H had an on-line affair for about 6 months and never cleared chat history, cookies, browser history, etc even after confronted when he continued the affair. Now he is a much different person and no longer is verbally abusive to me and no longer scares the kids with yelling, but he still is unaware how to hide/look for things on a computer, phone, etc. So again I am just being truthful I find this really contradictory. You're saying your being 'truthful' but you're trying to deceive your spouse, someone you know already you don't want to be married. Instead of telling all us strangers 'the truth' why not just tell your husband the truth? And I say this as an MM who was in an A that deceived my W, but I would never go to this length. What you're doing is INCREASING the amount of pain your spouse is going to experience when it's all uncovered and unraveled, and your increasing the likely-hood of your kids hearing an incredible story of how deceptive and manipulative their mother can be. You might think you are intelligent but your lack of compassion I find unsettling. I was always trying to find ways to make it less painful for my wife if she ever found out. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I believe it is a cruel idea as well, but for some reason insulting the spouses by saying their trust is an example of their lack of intelligence is what really rubbed me the wrong way. I think people who so obviously don't deserve to be trusted have a difficult time admitting that those who love them do trust them anyway. Most people having affairs get around this by convincing themselves that their spouse must know at some level and chooses to let it go or that their spouse just doesn't care (and then they are surprised that their spouse reacts so badly when he or she does actually find out!) This particular rationalization, that not knowing or trusting is connected to a lower IQ, is a new twist on a very common theme. To me it drives home the point that even people with supposedly high IQ's can delude themselves with completely idiotic rationalizations when it suits their self-interests. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Huh? Before you wrote: It does stink that our spouses are just nice people. I think this is going to come out of the blue and blindside them, and I am going back and forth with what will hurt less. Now you are mentioning abuse, deception, cheating, scaring children,... This is your definition of nice people? What next? You're married to a sweet ax murderer? Your posts aren't making a lot of sense ... I guess I don't have your stratospheric IQ to keep up with the twists and turns! Link to post Share on other sites
Author foundmysoulmate Posted October 12, 2010 Author Share Posted October 12, 2010 well the abuse and that was many years ago and after years of therapy he finally has a grip on his anger, he has a good heart and yes is a nice person, but the passion and the common ground just isn't there. I do love him and don't want to hurt him but I would rather he hurt than my children Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Highly recommend abandoning your idea of meeting spouses and everyone becoming "friends" very very very bad idea, and will cause much pain & hurt when/if it blows up. Imagine how super pissed your hubby will be knowing that your SO was in your house! Your kids will find out & feel betrayed... and will hurt much worse because they thought the SO was a "friend" If you want to continuing hiding your relationship I suggested going lower key... people are much smarter than you are giving them credit for, dear. Trust me on that. I think you are not looking at reality here, and I say that in the kindest way possible. People are much much smarter than you think, they do not let on that they know things. You mention that he is your "soulmate" but he is in fact still married to someone else, legally, financially, and sleeps there every night and the wife gets his paycheck. Reality check...he is still the "forbiddin fun" Have fun with this person if you want to but think long & hard before telling your hubby and throwing your family life into an uproar. Sometimes in life its not all about finding your soulmate but being prudent in how you handle yourself, not just bringing your lover into your circle (!!!) being considerate of others too. If you truly love this soulmate, then square things up at your house first with hubby, and leave, be honorable, etc. If you are ok with keeping it on the side, please please be more discreet! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Well I am sorry if it seems cruel and heartless but I am trying to be honest with what I am thinking and feeling. My AP is also an EP as we are very deeply connected emotionally as well. If you think this is a parody, I'm lying then that is your right to think that, but this is truthful. I can see things working out and he has said he can see what an amazing life we would have together. I'd bet you both probably saw it at some point with your spouses too. Funny how we feed some feelings and starve others. Link to post Share on other sites
newlife2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I felt exactly like you did... EXACTLY! ... eight years ago when all of this started. Soul mates, intellectual, the whole bit. Going to divorce when the right time came. For him, the right time never came. At the time I thought I was different. I believe you think your situation is too... I can hear it in your words. I would bet that the situation will work out the same way it did for me. He won't leave. I ended up divorced after one D-Day. He ended up still married after two D-Days. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Well, if he's had an EA, and you're having a PA, why not just have an open marriage? You don't seem too bothered about his EA, so why not put everything out on the table? I'm sure you know what they say about tangled webs and all that. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 Our thought of being friends is to actually get spouses to know each other so that we can spend more time together.... Not to be ostentatious but he and I both have very high IQ's and and our spouses are a bit more on the average side, we are able to hide things quite well. IQ may get you in and out the door without being noticed, but it is not a measure of humanity. I could never have imagined that someone would be this perfectly suited for me. Sigh Hmm... related to this, my other piece of advice is never to pick a username that describes what you THINK your current situation is in too much detail, because eventually it may well change. I'm glad I didn't pick "PissedOffSeparatedGuy" when I joined... I'm sorry if you think it is cruel, as I said I am just trying to be truthful. You know, being cruel and being truthful (here on LS, I assume you mean...) are two different things. You are treating them like they are opposite ends of a spectrum, but they don't describe the same thing. Your being truthful here is great, but it does not make your actions any less cruel - it just helps us to understand how cold and calculating you are being about your strategy, and how little regard you really have for the pain you will cause your spouses. If you are honestly planning a life together then please please please do not introduce the families. That will make the deception so much worse. You have paid brief lip service to the idea of trying to minimize the pain to your unsuspecting (trusting, less intelligent....) spouses. Do you understand the advice that you are almost universally being given in this thread, that actively promoting this strategic deception will almost certainly make their pain at your betrayal immensely worse? And also, as others have pointed out, have you thought about the increased pain that this will cause your children? For you to think that your families won't put two and two together once d-day breaks is a testament to the limits of your own imagination and empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 Not to be ostentatious but he and I both have very high IQ's and and our spouses are a bit more on the average side, we are able to hide things quite well. Oh yeah, don't forget the proverb: "pride goeth before the fall..." Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts