Cinnamon88 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Hi all, I'm new here. I'm in the process of getting divorced but separated a year and a half. In a nutshell my marriage and the whole relationship, 15 years together, 8 years married was so miserable that the separation and divorce was relief. Now I'm dating again there is one major problem, overcoming the insecurities that are lingering from my marriage, I just have no idea how to not judge a person based on what I have been through. Is it as simple as opening up again and letting someone in. For example my ex was extremely secretive, long story, but now I find that I wait for the guy I am seeing to tell me things, instead of asking him, which to him makes it seem like I am not that interested in knowing about him. The list goes on and on...anyone else experience similar?
sugarmomma Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 You may want to consider some individual therapy for a while since you seem to have some residual damage/trust issues from your marriage. Doesn't sound like you're ready to date just yet.
Insanitylater Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 You may want to consider some individual therapy for a while since you seem to have some residual damage/trust issues from your marriage. Doesn't sound like you're ready to date just yet. Nothing against the OP. But why should she break the cycle. You see it all over here, dating sites, and in person, is separated people dating separated people. Jumping from one relationship to another, before the ink is even dry.
Surrealist Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 OP just mentioned being separated for 1.5 years and now ready to date again. I wouldn't say that is jumpring form one R to another. Certainly get some therapy if it helps, or be conscious of what you are doing and behaving and work to address it.
Insanitylater Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Shes still married according to her post. just because you are separated, doesn't mean you aren't married anymore. people like to make up their own rules that separated means I can date and do what ever I want with another person. Even if you are legally separated, you are still married, just legally living separate from each other. I'm not sure how each state classifies that though. But then again, most of society does that while married, so whats the point of me even opening my mouth.
Author Cinnamon88 Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I should have mentioned that I live in a country where by law you are required to be separated one year before proceeding with divorce, and on top of that I need to save up to pay for the lawyer. I was faithful to my husband for 15 years, he wasn't even close...
Surrealist Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Well the divorce appears to be forthcoming anyway. Maybe OP can just engage therapy and then once the divorce is settled she is free to date, or maybe not. I have a friend who met his current partner before he divorced and they were and are still going great.
brainygirl Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 1) I don't date people who are "separated" if its over, end it, get your own place and start over, I really don't understand how it can take years to end a marriage. 2) I think that until you can find a way not to compare someone to the ex or something the ex did, you need to not date.
Author Cinnamon88 Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 The fact that I am separated isn't really the issue. I was just asking how I might begin to tackle some of the lingering issues.
Surrealist Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Cinnamon May I suggest raising this question in one of the other forums such as the seperation and divorce forum? You may get some better pertinent advice. People who have never been in your situation don't have the experience to assist a great deal. Unfortunately many people who have never been married see themselves as experts in marriage, separation and divorce when they are clearly not the people to talk to. Bit like someone who has never had children proclaiming to know how best to raise unruly kids when they don't have any experience.
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