Dating A Separated Man

[Jenlo]

Hello,

 

I feel I have no one else to talk to about this because I feel too stupid to let people I know know I am in this situation. (Although maybe I am over-reacting...?)

 

I met a man two and a half years ago.

While he still lived with his wife of 10 years and their then 7 year old son, he said his marriage was over and he was just waiting to move out. While this didn't please me, I did believe his marriage was over. (And it most definitely is - that isn't the problem.)

 

For the first several months we dated, he would take sometimes take calls from his wife (mostly about his son, but not what the new girlfriend wants to hear), would leave my house in a rush because his sister-in-law was "spying" on him. He would spend a few days with me during the week, but was still living in the same home with his wife and son.

 

My name was a fake on his phone "just in case -" I was a secret.

 

Being a talkative man, he once told me all about his wife and her life (I never asked), and told me how their relationship had dissolved into vicious fights.

 

Despite this I assumed he would file for divorce imminently, and that would be that.....

 

In the midst of this he received a DWI, and was advised by his attorney to not file for divorce until the case was closed as being a "family man" would "look better" to the judge.

 

Since then he has taken weekly drunk driving classes, and has remained married. We have been dating for 26 months. He lives with me now, and pays his wife extra money so she doesn't file for divorce until the case is over.

I have never met his son (who is now 9), or any member of his family. His wife doesn't know I exist.

 

I do not doubt for one moment that he isn't faithful to me and in love with me. I am at the point, however, where I am angry and frustrated all of the time. I am 36 years old and feel that I have (willingly) put my life on hold for two years. This could go on for another 6-12 months, and I am not sure how to handle the anger, how to forgive, how to move on within the relationship.

 

In reading this back, I am embarrassed by what I have written, but I also understand that circumstances sometimes hinder how we want our lives to proceed - mine and his.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Jenny

[brainygirl]

sounds like a really ugly situation.

 

I'd think that between dating before filing for divorce and a DWI, not to mention that if its his first offense it shouldn't drag out that long, something doesn't smell right.

[Surrealist]

Is there potential for him to get really screwed over financially or otherwise if the divorce proceeds? This may be a huge reason why he is procrastinating.

 

As for dating a seperate guy, yeah it is a difficult situtation - one I'm familiar with as I am separated and have been for nearly 5 years, pending divorce this year. I haven't dated or been with anyone in that time, mainly because of being on the shy side but also with the separation in the back of my mind and we still live together because of circumstances.

 

I think you need to find out why he is procrastinating. Dicorce could be a huge blow to him, but this doesn't help you much though.

[Jane Doe]

I do not doubt for one moment that he isn't faithful to me and in love with me.

 

Yikes. I hate to say it, but I definitely doubt it! This guy is wayyyyyyyyy too involved with his wife and you're still a dirty little secret. Is that what you want for yourself? Aren't you worth more?

 

My advice to you is to step out of this relationship and have him move out until he is a free man. He could feasibly string you along for years. From what I'm reading, right now you're just a soft place to land for him.