yoga18 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 So I met a great guy through a mutual friend and I have to say he is amazing. I've never been happier! I expected a date, never expected to fall in love with this man. Our first date we sat talking for 8 hours. I left not wanting to leave. We have been together ever since. In the first few months of dating he bought a house. He has asked for my opinion ever step of the way in decor. I make way less than he does but when he talks to me everything he buys is "ours" yea even that 5,000 sofa according to him is "ours". He makes me happy. I strive to be a better person because of him. We laugh, snuggle, have move marathons, enjoy silly texts. I wake at 5 on the weekends to make him breakfast when he gets home from night shift. He always wants to cuddle. Even though I have my own place I stay with him 95% of the time. I told him that I love him, I couldn't help it. I wanted him to know. He didn't say it back but didn't shy away either. He kissed me and held me. We have talked and he said he wants to take his time. Yea, yea he had a wife and he got burned. I feel like he loves me very much. We all know actions speak louder than words and that's very clear here lol but I guess I'm realizing that the words are important to me. Am I expecting to much? Should I just continue to enjoy this amazing relationship and not focus on the words or should I be worried? We have been together a little over 9 months. Part of me worries that he doesn't love me at this point, I kinda feel that if he doesn't in 9 months I'm not sure he ever will
TigerCub Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Honestly I was gonna guess that he's afraid of being totally invested and vulnrable because of getting burnt by the ex wife. But if that were the case, then he wouldn't be saying that the house and what's in it is "ours" I dunno. I do understand that after 9 months its kinda weird not to hear an "I love you". It's never been that long for me. But on the other hand, wouldn't you rather hear a heart felt "I love you" rather than just an empty one that would make you temporarily happy. I was in an R before when the guy said I love you to me and I didn't say it back because I didn't feel that at the time, and I didn't want to say it without meaning it because if later down the road I really felt it, I thought taht would just make it meaningless anyways. So, just go by his actions, and don't worry so much about hearing it - for now. He'll say it when he feels it. (he seems to have some baggage and so its understandable that he could be scared of the I love yous) - actions speak louder than words anyways If in a year you still don't hear it, then maybe its way too long. But don't push for it because he might say it just to get you off his back rather than because he felt it.
Mike B. Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Just read your own posts. This guy is being so great to you and shows you love but you are getting hung up on words. Why can't you just be satisfied that you have a great guy that just doesn't speak those words? Many, many, many men tell their wife, girlfriend, sex buddy that they love them yet beat them, curse them, and show them no love. They probably take what you have in a hot second and they would probably care less about the phrase "I love you." Just because someone say these words, mean nothing. What is important is to receive the treatment you get.
welikeincrowds Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 His not reciprocating the "I love you" is not words. That is an action. It tells you that he sees that as a step in commitment, and he is not ready to make it. He tells you the same thing, in so many words, when he says he wants to "take his time." This is where your relationship is now. It is not any further. He will not tell you he loves you. It means no more and no less than that. Don't think to the future. Pace yourself in the present. I'm all for your enjoyment, but I'm not for your anxiety. He makes you want to be a better person -- be that better person. He is a person in your life, not the other way around. There is nothing to rush toward: you are already, I hope, happy to be here.
Mike B. Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 His not reciprocating the "I love you" is not words. That is an action.. What? Not saying something is not an action by definition. The biggest action is her staying over his house 95% of the time and him sharing his house and his belongings with her and saying it is "ours." That is a bigger gesture than saying the words "I love you." Some men just say this just so women can stop asking them why they don't say it. The words mean nothing unless backed by action or they can be replaced by action which means more.
Jannah Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 What will most likely end up happening for the OP, is she will begin to emotionally pull away naturally. Sometimes men forget, that women need security, and without it on such a profound level (i.e. love), the window of opportunity for a relationship without it, will begin closing. And when that begins to happen, there’s not going to be much of a future.
Mike B. Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 What will most likely end up happening for the OP, is she will begin to emotionally pull away naturally. Sometimes men forget, that women need security, and without it on such a profound level (i.e. love), the window of opportunity for a relationship without it, will begin closing. And when that begins to happen, there’s not going to be much of a future. He moves her in and says my belongings are yours and that is not security? OP, go ahead and leave for that reason and watch as another woman jump right into his lap as you are rolling your suitcase down the driveway.
Author yoga18 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I agree I believe he loves me but its hard. I was with my ex husband for 7 years and one day he walked in the door and said he was done. I have trust and commitment issues yes they are y issues and although it may not sound like it I've become much better but I do analyze everything now, I hate it but I do
Jannah Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 He moves her in and says my belongings are yours and that is not security? OP, go ahead and leave for that reason and watch as another woman jump right into his lap as you are rolling your suitcase down the driveway. I shared the same security with my siblings.
Mike B. Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I shared the same security with my siblings. And don't your siblings love you?
Author yoga18 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 That's why I came on here so I don't sit in my own thoughts and wonder. So I will let it go for now and continue my great life. Guess sometimes I worry that we read to much into what people do. I don't feel like misinterpreting "I love you" when it really might be "ya your cool" guess we will see. I will say though he's so sweet I'm not planing on packing up for the next girl to move in lol
Mike B. Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I agree I believe he loves me but its hard. I was with my ex husband for 7 years and one day he walked in the door and said he was done. I have trust and commitment issues yes they are y issues and although it may not sound like it I've become much better but I do analyze everything now, I hate it but I do Sounds like to me that you may be on your way to putting a lot of pressure and drag on a good thing because of your "issues."
Mike B. Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 That's why I came on here so I don't sit in my own thoughts and wonder. So I will let it go for now and continue my great life. Guess sometimes I worry that we read to much into what people do. I don't feel like misinterpreting "I love you" when it really might be "ya your cool" guess we will see. I will say though he's so sweet I'm not planing on packing up for the next girl to move in lol Well 9 months is not a very long time. It is really to early to be moving in with someone definitely but things are working out. Keep doing what you are doing and be happy.
Author yoga18 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I have my own place. Yes I stay here often but this is not my home. He hasn't asked me to move in and I haven't asked either. I work 2 jobs and I'm getting my masters. We both have very full busy lives so its just nice to meet at the end of the day and chill. As for undue pressure or dragging us down, I won't do that either. If he ever says it I want it to be real so if it take 2 years ok. I guess I just wanna make sure I'm not missing something. Sounds like I need to relax and enjoy
Author yoga18 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I'm too stubborn and I feel like that's being pushy. If he does I feel like he will tell me. So no I have plans to do so.
yah Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 So I met a great guy through a mutual friend and I have to say he is amazing. I've never been happier! I expected a date, never expected to fall in love with this man. Our first date we sat talking for 8 hours. I left not wanting to leave. We have been together ever since. In the first few months of dating he bought a house. He has asked for my opinion ever step of the way in decor. I make way less than he does but when he talks to me everything he buys is "ours" yea even that 5,000 sofa according to him is "ours". He makes me happy. I strive to be a better person because of him. We laugh, snuggle, have move marathons, enjoy silly texts. I wake at 5 on the weekends to make him breakfast when he gets home from night shift. He always wants to cuddle. Even though I have my own place I stay with him 95% of the time. I told him that I love him, I couldn't help it. I wanted him to know. He didn't say it back but didn't shy away either. He kissed me and held me. We have talked and he said he wants to take his time. Yea, yea he had a wife and he got burned. I feel like he loves me very much. We all know actions speak louder than words and that's very clear here lol but I guess I'm realizing that the words are important to me. Am I expecting to much? Should I just continue to enjoy this amazing relationship and not focus on the words or should I be worried? We have been together a little over 9 months. Part of me worries that he doesn't love me at this point, I kinda feel that if he doesn't in 9 months I'm not sure he ever will Did you write this post for me? I feel like I've went through everything you are talking about at approx. 9 months into my relationship. My guy has never said the L word and we've just celebrated our 1-year. I'm OK with that but 3 months ago I wasn't. I wondered why he couldn't say it because he certainly showed it in his actions. One day he finally told me that the L word meant a LOT to him; if he could say it, it'll mean he's in it for the long haul. I believe him. The only difference is that my SO has never been married. I could see how a divorced man would be extra cautious. I don't think 9 months (or even 1yr) is very long. I think you guys should talk about it though if it bothers you so no one ends up surprised.
Author yoga18 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 Well it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. I think its important to really know I'm the one. I know he feels like he made a big mistake before and I know he wants to make sure the next one is the forever one. I'm willing to wait cause he is that awesome. I will keep you posted if the L bomb is ever dropped
Mike B. Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Well it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. I think its important to really know I'm the one. I know he feels like he made a big mistake before and I know he wants to make sure the next one is the forever one. I'm willing to wait cause he is that awesome. I will keep you posted if the L bomb is ever dropped Like I said, many pople can say the L bomb and still treat you like s**t. I put a lot more stock in the actions and place little value on the words. It's all in the behavior. If he is treating you right and opening up his world to yours just be happy and allow yourself to experience that level of intimacy. I know that hearing that phrase may make everything perfect for you but I do not see it that way myself because after it is spoken, every thing in the relationship is discussed or evaluated in the name of it. That comes with its own bag of tricks. Enjoy this stage.
that girl Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I have a few questions: How long has it been since the divorce? What do you want out of this relationship? (long term relationship? cohabitation, marriage, children?)
welikeincrowds Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) What? Not saying something is not an action by definition. Just like omitting certain truthful details, rather than fabricating a story, isn't lying by definition, right? "I love you" isn't the same as "I made a good salad yesterday." It's a step. She took it, and he elected not to take it with her. That says just as much, and you needn't look any further than the fact that it influenced the OP to start a thread. You want words? Saying a couch is "ours" is words. He bought the couch. It's his couch. The bottom line is that he's not committing. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but OP needs to acknowledge and adapt. Edited October 9, 2010 by welikeincrowds
aerogurl87 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Well I think this is something most people are missing, verbal confirmation for the OP may be the main way she feels loved. For some people it's feeling secure and having their SO provide for them. For others it's actions like having their SO do the laundry or cook dinner. Then for others it's words. For me, I need words, I'm sorry. I can be with a guy who goes above and beyond the call of duty to show he cares for me (like my most recent ex tried to do) but if I can't get some verbal confirmation that he loves and cares for me, then I'm not happy. Everyone is not built the same and I think maybe the OP just needs to hear words and not just see actions. Maybe it's the main way she shows love and feels love.
atlnay Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I have a few questions: How long has it been since the divorce? What do you want out of this relationship? (long term relationship? cohabitation, marriage, children?) Also, how long was he married and how long total were they in a relationship? I can also take his saying we & ours as a sign of a man whose used to being joined with someone. Especially if he was recently divorced before you two met.
Jannah Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Just like omitting certain truthful details, rather than fabricating a story, isn't lying by definition, right? "I love you" isn't the same as "I made a good salad yesterday." It's a step. She took it, and he elected not to take it with her. That says just as much, and you needn't look any further than the fact that it influenced the OP to start a thread. You want words? Saying a couch is "ours" is words. He bought the couch. It's his couch. The bottom line is that he's not committing. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but OP needs to acknowledge and adapt. +1. Also, moving in with someone you are in a relationship with, is a big step and shouldn't be taken lightly.
abouttoloseit Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 My dad has never told my mum he loves her. 30 years later, 4 children, no affairs, a house paid for, still happily married... My ex girlfriend told me she loved me. She also loved her ex boyfriend, her best male friend, and the guy who fancied her and asked her out twice. Which is why she is my ex. I think actions speak louder than words. If he wants to say it, then wait. Don't force him to say it. Just because you cant see wind...
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