alexa137 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I didnt what other subject to file this under so here goes: today marks 2 years that I have been having sex with this man. i am not for sure if its friends with benefits or what. Every time I bring up the subject i dont get too much out of it. When it started, it was a few calls, some texting and a meeting in the park. few night later dinner and out to a nightclub, and he took me out of town to where he helps DJ. A week or so later we had sex( also ive know him about 15 yrs from mutual friends and seeing other at clubs through the years). Within the first 3 months it would be 4-5 times a month, an hour or so of a visit. He spent the night at my house 2 times. After that I decided to kinda ignore him because I always wondered why i didnt get invited to his "place". And i wanted a relationship and didnt see it going in that direction. No one else was interested in me so after about a month or so we hooked up again. still nothing, so ignored him again this time for 6 mths. so then radomnly saw him on facebook and he was listed as married! shocked! smh! sent him a message like wow! a few mths later we hooked up again! yea i know wrong, but i did have feelings for him and he was the only man i had sex with in 2 yrs-so we started having sex again. same ritual 3-4 times a month, an hour or so visit, for about 7-8 mths.He said his wife and him were having problems and issues. i started to lose some feelings for him and since still no one else was interested in dating me i just dealt with whatever. this past june while i was on vacation, his daughter passed away and he was calling & texting me alot! i would visit him at his house and make him dinner a few times a week, he even wanted me to spend the night just for someone to be there while he was going through this. oh i also meet his parents and family a few mths prior to that and was invited to a cookout with his friends and family. and BTW, they liked me. but everytime i bring up our "situation" he would just say he likes me but i get crazy with so many questions. i get hurt easily so ive cried a few times in front of him. so now its still the same, i guess what makes me wonder the most is that he does do little things for me like he picked up a dryer i bought and installed it,which makes me think he does care a little. i guess i just wish so much more because i am 40 and i am wifey material and have never been in a real serious relationship where a man has loved me. its so hard to let go when there is no one else to move on to
Cracker Jack Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I understand that it's hard, but you need to realize you deserve better. He really did use you. A lot. And even though you were aware of this, you still allowed him to because no one else was pursuing you at the moment. I think it wouldn't help you to continue believing there's potential there when he clearly doesn't want anything more than sex from you.
TouchedByViolet Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 You are 40 and still can't maintain healthy boundaries for yourself... better get your **** together ASAP
lizzy22w Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 So is this guy still married?! If so...then let go now! You have become the "mistress". If he is not, then it sure sounds like he is just using you for creature comforts. If you are questioning things, then it will never work. To be in a real relationship means being comfortable around the person and trusting them. If you are confused at all, he doesn't like to talk about it, he only comes to you when he needs you (but is never there for you), then yes...he has you on the sideline, and is not interested in keeping you around for a commitment. I need to find the article I read the other day. When I do, I will post the link for you. Move on and do yourself a favor! Go out and get your hair done, get in shape, get a manicure/pedicure, and just sit down and have a glass of wine with some good music. Men like this don't really know what they want. Good luck! ^_^
Author alexa137 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 violet,what do you mean healthy? ive only slept with 1 man in 3 yrs! not too many women can say that! if youre meaning Stds or whatever , i get checked every 6 months and im good!
Author alexa137 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 lizzy-they are getting a divorce, she moved out of town like 4 months ago and he now lives with his parents because he lost everything. i havent asked much because maybe he wants to be single since he went through alot with this b*tch! i kinda use him also, though, hes basically fulfilling my sexual needs until someone else comes alont, and beleive me he does do that! the best sex ive ever had in 20 yrs! lol yea post the article! love reading those kinda things thx
Kamille Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 i havent asked much because maybe he wants to be single since he went through alot with this b*tch! So he has answered your question about your situation. He considers himself single. It sounds to me like you know this deep down, but you struggle to accept it.
Author alexa137 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 he has never said or told me he was single, i just get a title out of him! he says hes not sleeping with anyone else, i dont know that because im not a spy! i dont know what to consider him! hes not my bf because we dont spend alot of time together, but im sure he wouldnt be too happy if i had sex with someone else!
lizzy22w Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 yeah, but girl..you need to think about something if he actually wants to stay single for a while. Even though he might not be having sex with anyone else...If he had real feelings (enough to be in a real relationship with you), then he would be all about being with you. The guy I last tried to be with said the same thing, and I kept hoping that his "heart would open up", but that was just a crock. Stop this destructive cycle, and move on. He has you around his little finger, and he is using it to his advantage. Also...don't ever sleep with a married man. If he is married, then he is OFF LIMITS. No if, ands, or butts. Respect yourself more and realize that if he is playing you this way at 40, then it will never change!!! You say you are using him as well, but you are not. That is trying to excuse what he is doing. If you were just using him, then you would not be upset about this, or asking the question of this being friends with benefits or not. Because if you are doing what you say, then your answer is already known. I don't mean to be harsh, and I know only you can finally see what is going on, but STOP LYING TO YOURSELF, STOP LETTING HIM USE YOU, AND GO GO GO GO. It is easier said than done, yes...but when you finally heal and reflect on yourself...you will feel alot happier. "Worry only makes a downpayment on a problem you didn't have" -Joyce Meyers.
Author alexa137 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 I know because every time i think im done with him and a few weeks go by and i do good by ignoring him i give in because no other men want me. its terrible where i live, seriously! alot have 8-10 babies, 3-4 girlfriends all by friends etc. and ive heard about 5 ppl so far with herpes! so thats why i dont start a new thing with anyone else. we know each other and get along and have good sex. Well, technically about the married thing, I was with him a yr before he got married, he did it when we were on a break, bascially for business purposes and he regrets it. but you know i dont know the REAL reasons and real situation.
TouchedByViolet Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 You don't stand up for your own emotional needs.
lizzy22w Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I know because every time i think im done with him and a few weeks go by and i do good by ignoring him i give in because no other men want me. its terrible where i live, seriously! alot have 8-10 babies, 3-4 girlfriends all by friends etc. and ive heard about 5 ppl so far with herpes! so thats why i dont start a new thing with anyone else. we know each other and get along and have good sex. Well, technically about the married thing, I was with him a yr before he got married, he did it when we were on a break, bascially for business purposes and he regrets it. but you know i dont know the REAL reasons and real situation. Well this sounds to me like you don't have any self esteem. You don't even give yourself time to work on yourself, and be happy with who you are. You might be 40, but it sounds like you are not READY for a relationship. If you only want sex, then keep doing what you are doing. If you want a real relationship, then you need to find yourself and be happy if you are alone. Go out with friends, do some projects, occupy your time with things that make you smile (this excludes men). If you need the attention that bad, then you are never going to have a successful relationship. You need to be able to be comfortable by yourself and realize you don't need a man for this. You can take my advice or not, but I have done this for myself and finally got out of the cycle of letting myself be the sideline girl, and that went on for a year. Give yourself at least a month to work on you, to the point where you are happy BY YOURSELF...then you are ready to be with someone.
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