Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 To address what I think you're saying is your problem, I would agree that lying about it was the wrong thing to do. Does he habitually lie about other things or is this an isolated incident? Perhaps he knows about your hard line on pornography and felt trapped into lying? I'm not condoning the act, only giving an explanation for it. However, just from your few posts it sounds like you're looking for reasons to be confrontational with him because you resent him being unemployed but i left it like this to him. don't talk to me until you have an adult excuse as to why you looked at porn when you've told me all this time you didn't like it. i told him i am not going to pretend to buy stupid excuses for his behavior anymore. this is small potatoes really in the things he has done before, but it mirrors his past actions to a great degree. the only thing he has in his favor is he did admit the truth on his own. which is huge for him. but that's not enough. i need to know how a man that denies porn for 4 years seeks it out. and i don't buy its because he is mad. its like he's treating me like i am stupid.
lizzibeth Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I can understand you're frustration if he's been against pornography, or said so, throughout your relationship and then he got upset with you and said "I'll show you" and went to watch porn? I don't buy it either. I agree with you that the lying is the biggest issue here. He might get some points for not laying it on your daughter's doorstep and letting her take the blame for it. I would guess that he has always enjoyed porn and didn't want to add this rather small thing to the gargantuan list of things he's lied to you about in the past. Just having my Miss Cleo moment.... I think that you've let him know you don't buy it and that he needs to come clean. If he cannot come clean on his own accord, then if it were me, I'd probably dump him.
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Do you live together? yes. he lives with me. we've been together for 4 years, but i have really come to find out who he is since we started living together. which is really the opposite of what he claimed. he said he's a hard worker. but since we've lived together he can barely keep a job. he says he hates liars, ok he is the biggest one i've ever met, he says that other men will sleep with a snake if it'll sit still long enough, but he cheated on me 2 years ago with the excuse of he felt guilty, he says he wanted to be father, but he doesn't see his kids from his ex or pay child support. yes this is due to financial reasons and all, but excuses only last for so long. so now, we have the porn thing. he's always said he don't get into it, but i find he is looking at it. just another one of his things, that drive me insane. not being honest about who you really are.
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Personally I wouldn't do that. That is pretty creepy. Dump him because he's a creeper not because he watches porn....and no they do not go hand in hand. Bob whats a creeper and how do you see him as one? funny, my cousin told me he gives her the creeps. she said just something about him that she can't explain.
hopesndreams Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 i am 35 and he is 36. first off, viewing porn on a computer that my kids use, is irresponsible. second, he wasn't working at the time, hardly has, so if he was that bored, get a job! to me, this is cut and dry. can't deal with the porn issue because according to him, he doesn't like it. no, i don't want porn in my life now. it helped destroy my marriage in the past. my ex used porn instead of having a relationship with me. It's not really the porn you are upset about it, it's the fact he is not working that really gets your goat. Completely understandable.
somedude81 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 (edited) Your issue isn't that he watches porn, but the fact that he denies it. That's perfectly understandable. Also him using your computer that your child uses, to look at porn is not right. Unless the person is very computer savy, porn can get unintentionally saved to a computer. There is the risk of the child seeing it. He also seems hypocritical. Edited October 8, 2010 by somedude81
atlnay Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 yes. he lives with me. we've been together for 4 years, but i have really come to find out who he is since we started living together. which is really the opposite of what he claimed. he said he's a hard worker. but since we've lived together he can barely keep a job. he says he hates liars, ok he is the biggest one i've ever met, he says that other men will sleep with a snake if it'll sit still long enough, but he cheated on me 2 years ago with the excuse of he felt guilty, he says he wanted to be father, but he doesn't see his kids from his ex or pay child support. yes this is due to financial reasons and all, but excuses only last for so long. so now, we have the porn thing. he's always said he don't get into it, but i find he is looking at it. just another one of his things, that drive me insane. not being honest about who you really are. Why are you still with him OP? What is a dealbreaker for you at this point?
hopesndreams Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 yes. he lives with me. we've been together for 4 years, but i have really come to find out who he is since we started living together. which is really the opposite of what he claimed. he said he's a hard worker. but since we've lived together he can barely keep a job. he says he hates liars, ok he is the biggest one i've ever met, he says that other men will sleep with a snake if it'll sit still long enough, but he cheated on me 2 years ago with the excuse of he felt guilty, he says he wanted to be father, but he doesn't see his kids from his ex or pay child support. yes this is due to financial reasons and all, but excuses only last for so long. so now, we have the porn thing. he's always said he don't get into it, but i find he is looking at it. just another one of his things, that drive me insane. not being honest about who you really are. He cheated on you????? Him looking at porn is the least of your worries.
Insanitylater Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 LOL your screenname is ENUFDRAMA yet your relationship is filled with it?
Author enufdrama Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 LOL your screenname is ENUFDRAMA yet your relationship is filled with it? isn't it! drama, drama, drama. at this point i think i am in some unhealthy cycle that i am trying to break out of. saving someone syndrome.
Author enufdrama Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 well. after avoiding him for almost 3 days he finally admitted to me this evening that he does on occasion watch porn as an aid. WOW! NEWS FLASH! he said he felt dirty about it. that he use to get playboy as a young adult to rebel against his parents? anyway. but he didn't want to admit it because its embarrassing. You would think he just confessed to murder. he's acting like it's embarrassing and totally drained. he doesn't want to talk about it any further. weird. i've decided to not engage as much. its up to him to the right things, i can't make him. what's with the exhaustion from the confession. is it really that big of a deal?
ComeUndone Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 yes. he lives with me. we've been together for 4 years, but i have really come to find out who he is since we started living together. which is really the opposite of what he claimed. he said he's a hard worker. but since we've lived together he can barely keep a job. he says he hates liars, ok he is the biggest one i've ever met, he says that other men will sleep with a snake if it'll sit still long enough, but he cheated on me 2 years ago with the excuse of he felt guilty, he says he wanted to be father, but he doesn't see his kids from his ex or pay child support. yes this is due to financial reasons and all, but excuses only last for so long. so now, we have the porn thing. he's always said he don't get into it, but i find he is looking at it. just another one of his things, that drive me insane. not being honest about who you really are. Porn aside, your relationship sounds really unhealthy and beyond the point of repair. If you can't trust him then you shouldn't be with him. You need a good foundation to build off of and it doesn't look like you have much of one left. Not saying you don't have reason, but... you don't respect him either. No trust, no respect: what's the point?
Insanitylater Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 isn't it! drama, drama, drama. at this point i think i am in some unhealthy cycle that i am trying to break out of. saving someone syndrome. Its because of women like you that I am stuck being single. You are addicted to a**holes and refuse to be with guys that treat you with respect in a healthy relationship.
Author enufdrama Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Its because of women like you that I am stuck being single. You are addicted to a**holes and refuse to be with guys that treat you with respect in a healthy relationship. first of all, i think your being single is your own problem. because you men sometimes think you are good and respectful, but you are not. my ex husband considered himself that way too, still does. but he isn't. he was selfish, porn addicted, verbally abusive, anger issues with some physical abuse is what it grew into it. and believe it or not, my current BF actually says he treats me with respect, he thinks because he doesn't yell at me or beat me, that this alone is respect. and you said there are good men out there? i'm sure there are, somewhere, but i honestly don't know any that aren't taken. and those that are taken, will usually cheat on their wives because they've hit on me before. boss's that i've respected who are married have hit on me. is it really just a sex circus?
Author enufdrama Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Porn aside, your relationship sounds really unhealthy and beyond the point of repair. If you can't trust him then you shouldn't be with him. You need a good foundation to build off of and it doesn't look like you have much of one left. Not saying you don't have reason, but... you don't respect him either. No trust, no respect: what's the point? you are correct i do NOT trust him and have very little respect for him. it actually has taken work to respect him any. its very hard to respect someone who has done nothing but lie and disrespect you. as the lies came out 2 years ago, i felt like this man had no respect for me at all and they came out slowly, but other means leading them out then he would admit them. he knew how bad they were and said if he told me all at once, our relationship couldn't have taken it. he promised true change a year ago, and i said i would give it a try but couldn't promise anything. everyday i wonder why am i in this? i am very emotionally attached, we still have alot of fun together when we can let go of the past pain, we have alot of chemistry, but i can not tolerate lying so any lie, no matter how small at this point can be tolerated. can trust and respect be rebuilt? and if you have this much problem before marriage is there any reason to work on it? my common sense says if you need this much help in a relationship prior to marriage what makes you think its going to work in marriage.
Author enufdrama Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) I am glad your ego feels better. yes, i do feel better. but no thanks to any man. and when you men lie, why should we have to just pretend that you are telling us the truth to protect your delicate ego's? you men are the ones with ego problems. expecting us to sacrifice self respect and dignity for your ego. Edited October 10, 2010 by enufdrama
ComeUndone Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 you are correct i do NOT trust him and have very little respect for him. it actually has taken work to respect him any. its very hard to respect someone who has done nothing but lie and disrespect you. as the lies came out 2 years ago, i felt like this man had no respect for me at all and they came out slowly, but other means leading them out then he would admit them. he knew how bad they were and said if he told me all at once, our relationship couldn't have taken it. he promised true change a year ago, and i said i would give it a try but couldn't promise anything. everyday i wonder why am i in this? i am very emotionally attached, we still have alot of fun together when we can let go of the past pain, we have alot of chemistry, but i can not tolerate lying so any lie, no matter how small at this point can be tolerated. can trust and respect be rebuilt? and if you have this much problem before marriage is there any reason to work on it? my common sense says if you need this much help in a relationship prior to marriage what makes you think its going to work in marriage. Then why are you? Your relationship is damaged enough that you think about it everyday and wonder why you are in it... doesn't that mean something to you? I realize you are emotionally attached to him and you have fun together, but you can achieve that within the first couple weeks of any new relationship. "Attachment" and "fun" are not that significant, particularly when it's just as easy to get attached to a loser as it is a genuine good guy. Trust and respect are far more important traits in a man. Trust and respect are very hard to rebuild, and this is if both parties are working at it. Is your bf working on your relationship or is he working for his own self interest? You already know the answer. Bottom line is, you're not happy. I was in your position before some years back. My ex was far worse than your bf and I was far more 'trapped' than you are... but I left him because I had to do right for myself and not stay with him out of fear of what the future holds. You only have one life... don't waste it on someone who doesn't give a s***.
Insanitylater Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 She will not leave him no matter what. Most women that post a rant on here about their man just use it to do that, rant. Most women like the OP dont have the strength/respect to remove themselves from the situation.
ComeUndone Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 She will not leave him no matter what. Most women that post a rant on here about their man just use it to do that, rant. Most women like the OP dont have the strength/respect to remove themselves from the situation. Very true. Was thinking the same thing while typing that last post.
Author enufdrama Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 She will not leave him no matter what. Most women that post a rant on here about their man just use it to do that, rant. Most women like the OP dont have the strength/respect to remove themselves from the situation. i can't disagree with this. i have accepted things that blow my mind. And today I find myself more mad at me sometimes than him because I have allowed him to treat me this way. he acts like he's changed, that he won't lie, but I am feeling like a halfway house. its definitely draining and exhausting being with someone you don't trust and are always checking up on. i know something must be lacking within myself to still be in this mess.
Insanitylater Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The good thing is that you ADMIT it to yourself. Thats a huge first step.
ComeUndone Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 i can't disagree with this. i have accepted things that blow my mind. And today I find myself more mad at me sometimes than him because I have allowed him to treat me this way. he acts like he's changed, that he won't lie, but I am feeling like a halfway house. its definitely draining and exhausting being with someone you don't trust and are always checking up on. i know something must be lacking within myself to still be in this mess. I've been in your shoes. I dealt with his BS for longer than I care to admit, but eventually I got to a point where I refused to put up with it for even another minute. I didn't care what it took, I was getting out and that was all their was to it. I left him and had many many hurdles along the road but that was just part of the process to finding myself again. I had let him take too much over the years. Hopefully you won't let your unhealthy relationship drag on for years and years like I did - only you are responsible for your own happiness.
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