abdellost Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I am an Egyptian. born and raised in America. I fell in love with a girl during a period of time that I was losing grip in life. I looked upon It as a sign and a gift from God. I got to know her and we really kicked it off. It was just like those movies, like the notebook. I decided I would want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. Now here is the issue,and it seems to get worse by the day : her mother is a devoted Christian. Her dad is a muslim but not very close to ther deen. In Egypt,society matters about what class you are,what is your last name,where do you live and how rich you are. Her dads first question was "what is his last name?". Her mom apparently does not find me good enough for her daughter cause I do not have "rich or royal blood" in me,I do not have unique features such as blue eyes,blonde hair, I do not have a vaulable name in this country and my family is close to the religion (something she frowns upon deeply). Her daughter loves the fact my family is close to the dean and that we are good muslims. My sisters been trying to help her start praying and such. Her mom found that threatening. Her mom forbid her to see me and my family again,but ask her daughter to hang out with people her "level". Those people her mom tried to suggest for her to go out commit sins such as occasionally drinking,adultery, smoking and the "normal" thing that society is known for now. It got worse yesterday when her mom cornered the daughter,threaten to kill her or me if we keep seeing eachother and warned us the worst. The mom called me up and told me some mean things,such as I am not her class,I am not worthy, and some things I would not like to mention. To make it clear, everyone around us,even her parent's friends, agree for us and are trying to help. They all met me and gave their approval. I met her brother and he liked me,but he is too scared to get involved and asked to stay out of it. So the only two people against us is her parents. I met her cousins,a few uncles know about me. They all said the parents have an issue and have the utmost worst thinking. then just last night, she text me. Telling me everyone is against us now. Her mom apparently scared them all to back off and they all are trying to pull us apart. I need help. The girl is very sick (has a rare heart disorder), and all her life her parents been caging her (she never allowed herself to hang out with such people and do what her parents want,which is usually against the dean). She really is a good pure girl, apparently born different than her parents, and she does not want to give in to the things they want. I tried to look at the point of view that maybe the parents are doing this because they love and care for her. All day do to her all day is yell and make her feel bad. She is born very unique and beautiful so her parents want to use that to let her marry someone in their standards and her looks. We really do not know what to do..
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I am an Egyptian. born and raised in America. I fell in love with a girl during a period of time that I was losing grip in life. I looked upon It as a sign and a gift from God. I got to know her and we really kicked it off. It was just like those movies, like the notebook. I decided I would want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. very close to ther deen. You mean she is Thirteen? That's not legal here in the U.S. back off until she is old enough to make legal choices! If your love is "meant to be" then waiting 5 years will not hurt anything... it will just make both your feelings stronger.
Aakash Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 You mean she is Thirteen? That's not legal here in the U.S. back off until she is old enough to make legal choices! If your love is "meant to be" then waiting 5 years will not hurt anything... it will just make both your feelings stronger. I assume you are not trying to be funny. When he says "ther deen", he means to say 'their deen'. Deen translates loosely from Arabic. It means 'way of life'. He is not referencing any age.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I assume you are not trying to be funny. When he says "ther deen", he means to say 'their deen'. Deen translates loosely from Arabic. It means 'way of life'. He is not referencing any age. Thanks for correcting me. I've never been a fan of trying to take a girl from her family. If you cannot win her parents over... move on. Otherwise... it's best not to be the wedge between them. It may still help at this point to know her age.
Author abdellost Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 You mean she is Thirteen? That's not legal here in the U.S. back off until she is old enough to make legal choices! If your love is "meant to be" then waiting 5 years will not hurt anything... it will just make both your feelings stronger. DUDE shes 21 lol. where did you get 13 from?
Author abdellost Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Thanks for correcting me. I've never been a fan of trying to take a girl from her family. If you cannot win her parents over... move on. Otherwise... it's best not to be the wedge between them. It may still help at this point to know her age. yeah, i meant to say their dean, meaning the way of life. Point is, shes 21 AND NOT ONCE in her life her parents let her make her own decision. they make her wear her watch the way they want to, make her eat what they want, shoot man they make her walk the way they approve. Shes been complaining to me long before we even got together, how she can not take it anymore and she can never live life. I showed her how to love by being free, eating out (her family never eats out! ever, not even ice cream). We just had a time of our lives. I am not a fan to take a girl from her parents. Why i told her if her family was good to her and if they were really caring for her and doing things cause they love her (they do things to show off to the public and everything is done for public show), then i would have backed out right away. shes always begged me that what ever happpens, never leave her because she cant stand living that kind of life style. Her brother is 25 and the kid has not grown up yet! he actaully cracked because of all that things their parents are doing to them that he literally acts like a child now.
denise_xo Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 The main two things that I've seen work in this kind of situation in the Arab world are i) keep building strategic alliances in the family, and ii) she has to refuse to marry anyone else. Apart from that, stop teaching her to pray and keep religion out of it. Certainly in the Egyptian context especially trying to convert her in the process sounds extremely unstrategic.
welikeincrowds Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 (edited) Something you should seriously consider is your own motivation for all of this. And I do mean all of it, starting from day 1, with this person. This is a very difficult situation you have gotten yourself into. Perhaps it doesn't seem like it's her that's causing the difficult situation, because you have witnessed her horrible mother breathing fire -- but it is her problem, something that she has brought into the dynamic between the both of you, whether she liked to or not. And now, it seems to have become your problem. It's not your problem, OP. This is not your problem. Everything you described in your post: these are all her skeletons. The only reason you are coming against them is because they are getting in the way of your relationship. In other words: they're signs of dysfunction, and they're coming from her. They're serious red flags. I am going down this line of reasoning because what you are describing is a very romantic fantasy. It's the most explicit tale of "white knight saving the damsel from the castle tower" I have ever seen. It must be nice to show this girl "freedom," as you have, and I'm sure at this point nothing would please you more than saving her from the witch. Especially when, as you say, she has a heart condition -- I'm sure, as the gallant knight, you'd like to show her the 4 corners of the kingdom before she passes. All this after she was graced to you by God, saving you from your problems. Are you sure about that, OP? Because that's not what it sounds like. You're not the first person to make out a woman to be your benevolent nurturer. Men have been deciding on that role for women for centuries. I don't mean to trivialize your feelings, but do look at the facts. You have a dysfunctional relationship resulting from very deep problems. You can stop looking at her family as external to her. I know you want to see them as the evil, the other -- but they birthed and raised her. They are not, nor will they ever be, going away. They are a fundamental part of her. And finally, you cannot teach someone to love. They can either love you, or they can't. There's billions of people on the planet. There is certainly another woman out there who can excite you just as well, whose family will love you as she does. In other words: there is a woman out there who is available, emotionally and romantically, unlike this girl. There is a woman who will challenge you solely by virtue of how she thinks and acts, and not because she offers you problems to solve. There is a woman out there with whom you can actually fall in love, who is ready to love you back. I know that this line of thought is tragic, and probably something you don't want to consider. I know you want to help this girl you care about. But realize that these feelings of yours are of chivalrous duty and suffering -- not love. These are epic poems that we've all learned and admired since youth. Let's be absolutely clear: you can't save this girl. You never could, and you never will. OP, it's not even your place to do such a thing. She is not available to love you, and she won't be until she solves these problems -- her problems -- for herself. Don't indulge in destructive behavior, OP. Be absolutely certain. You only have one life, and you would be a fool to ignore the facts. Edited October 8, 2010 by welikeincrowds
lizzy22w Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I have been in a situation like this in the past year, except it was his parents who did not want us together, and it had to do with his family judging me on my distant past (5 years). They even sat us down and told us WE were not ready to be in a relationship, because we were not spiritually ready. Yet when I got the mother alone, she distinctly told me she did not want her son hurt (which is funny, because he was the one cheating and lying). Anyways...It took me a while to realize this, but it was a matter of him not wanting to do anything for himself. He could be a grown man (he is 25, and I am 27. Yeah...I know...it is effed up.) and stand up to his parents, tell him how he feels, and finally live up to what he kept telling me, but that never happened. He would keep our relationship a secret, never invite me over, and pretty much made me invisible. She has the choice to be who she wants, do what she wants, and yes..parents are scary, but a child needs to turn into an adult sometime in their life. It is called free-will, and it is disappointing that many parents seem to go overboard and try to be dictator in their son's/daughter's life. So I am basically saying: It is up to her, and unfortunately their is nothing that you can do, except let her do what she needs to do. It is a hard lesson to learn. I'll be praying for you! ^_^
Author abdellost Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 The main two things that I've seen work in this kind of situation in the Arab world are i) keep building strategic alliances in the family, and ii) she has to refuse to marry anyone else. Apart from that, stop teaching her to pray and keep religion out of it. Certainly in the Egyptian context especially trying to convert her in the process sounds extremely unstrategic. She asked, well more like pleaded, for me to help her learn how to play and get back to the right way of life.
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