am i "rebounding"?

[pandagirl]

It's been a little over a month since my break up. I'm doing OK. I really miss him and still love him, but it had to happen and I'm trying my best to move on.

 

Recently, I've gotten back in touch with a guy I dated last summer. We didn't work out because I was more interested in a relationship and he wasn't. I was upset, but haven't given him any thought at all since I was with most recent ex. I have no emotional resonance with this guy, but he's cute and fun and we're going to meet up next week.

 

There's also another guy I've hung out with in a strictly platonic way. He knows I just broke up and that I'm not over it still. But he always pays for everything for me, and walks me home. I really enjoy talking to him and being friends, but nothing more. I won't lie and say that it is nice to have some male attention though.

 

Though I have no plans of dating either of these guys, am I in some way "rebounding" in a platonic way?? And am I leading guy #2 on? I have done nothing to imply that I like him in a romantic manner, but I am astute enough to know that he fancies me a little bit.

[Surrealist]

You likely are rebounding and using platonic relatonships as a means to help deal with the recent breakup.

 

I was going to say before you even popped the question, yes you are leading the second guy on. Have you made it clear to him that you have no intention of having a romantic relationship with him? If not then please do so and stop messing with this guy. Not nice.

[Star Gazer]

Given how much pain you're still in, and still thinking and talking about your ex, and still have strong feelings for him... Yes. You're absolutely rebounding, and leading them both on.

[OceanGirl]

Given how much pain you're still in, and still thinking and talking about your ex, and still have strong feelings for him... Yes. You're absolutely rebounding, and leading them both on.

 

+1.000000 you are still WAY into your ex...

[pandagirl]

You likely are rebounding and using platonic relatonships as a means to help deal with the recent breakup.

 

I was going to say before you even popped the question, yes you are leading the second guy on. Have you made it clear to him that you have no intention of having a romantic relationship with him? If not then please do so and stop messing with this guy. Not nice.

 

No, not at all leading him on in any way. He knows all about how I feel about my ex. I just know he might have a little crush on me.

 

Given how much pain you're still in, and still thinking and talking about your ex, and still have strong feelings for him... Yes. You're absolutely rebounding, and leading them both on.

 

Really? I mean, yes I am still getting over my ex. But isn't it ok to rebound in a platonic way?

[Surrealist]

No, not at all leading him on in any way. He knows all about how I feel about my ex. I just know he might have a little crush on me.

 

Okay then you'll have to introduce him to loveshack dot org so he can ask:

 

"Guys I'm really confused. I'm madly head over heels for this chick who recently broke up with her bf. I'm a NICE GUY and I buy her drinks, give her nice complements and listen to ALL her lamentations about missing her ex and all but she still doesn't show me any interest other than to say 'I just want to be friends'. What should I do?"

[Knittress]

You're looking for all the comfort and distraction you can get - totally understandable. You need friends and company at a time like this! You're obviously not a heinous b-word since you worry about other people's feelings - so I think the wording "leading him on" is a bit much.

 

But the thing with guys and friendship is tricky. If he gives you emotional support like any other friend, he might end up feeling used and you might end up feeling manipulated when you're at your most vulnerable. Women friends are easier.

[Star Gazer]

Really? I mean, yes I am still getting over my ex. But isn't it ok to rebound in a platonic way?

 

I don't think there's such thing as a platonic rebound.

 

If it's platonic, there's no rebounding. But this isn't strictly platonic. You're seeking out/enjoying romantic attention.

[Untouchable_Fire]

There's also another guy I've hung out with in a strictly platonic way. He knows I just broke up and that I'm not over it still. But he always pays for everything for me, and walks me home. I really enjoy talking to him and being friends, but nothing more. I won't lie and say that it is nice to have some male attention though.

Though I have no plans of dating either of these guys, am I in some way "rebounding" in a platonic way?? And am I leading guy #2 on? I have done nothing to imply that I like him in a romantic manner, but I am astute enough to know that he fancies me a little bit.

 

Your just assuming that he knows your not interested.

 

No, not at all leading him on in any way. He knows all about how I feel about my ex. I just know he might have a little crush on me.

 

Again... your messing with this guys emotions. STOP IT!

 

I don't care what you think he knows. Tell him directly that you have no romantic interest in him. Anything less is cowardly and rude.

[phineas]

Your just assuming that he knows your not interested.

 

 

 

Again... your messing with this guys emotions. STOP IT!

 

I don't care what you think he knows. Tell him directly that you have no romantic interest in him. Anything less is cowardly and rude.

 

if you continue to let him pay & don't flat out tell him your not attracted to him then you are leading him on because he is thinking if you spend time with him, you must like him.

[pandagirl]

You're looking for all the comfort and distraction you can get - totally understandable. You need friends and company at a time like this! You're obviously not a heinous b-word since you worry about other people's feelings - so I think the wording "leading him on" is a bit much.

 

But the thing with guys and friendship is tricky. If he gives you emotional support like any other friend, he might end up feeling used and you might end up feeling manipulated when you're at your most vulnerable. Women friends are easier.

 

Well, HE just also broke up with someone, so it kind of puts us in the same boat.

 

I don't think there's such thing as a platonic rebound.

 

If it's platonic, there's no rebounding. But this isn't strictly platonic. You're seeking out/enjoying romantic attention.

 

I am seeking out romantic attention from guy #1 (the guy I dated last summer). More than anything, I just find it comforting to be around men. Is that a horrible thing to admit?

 

if you continue to let him pay & don't flat out tell him your not attracted to him then you are leading him on because he is thinking if you spend time with him, you must like him.

 

Well, of course I like him. We get along great. I insisted I pay for my half of the bill, but he wouldn't let me. If I have led him on, it's for the mere fact that I actually hung out with him. What is a girl supposed to do? Just not make opposite sex friends?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well, of course I like him. We get along great. I insisted I pay for my half of the bill, but he wouldn't let me. If I have led him on, it's for the mere fact that I actually hung out with him. What is a girl supposed to do? Just not make opposite sex friends?

 

What a girl is supposed to do... is define the terms of the friendship clearly in advance. It seems you have failed to do that.

 

Your taking advantage of this guy and it's not right.

 

However, its your life... do as you wish. Just remember that how you treat others shows who you are.

[Knittress]

What would you guys have her do? Avoid the company of anyone who might possibly be attracted to her?

[pandagirl]

What a girl is supposed to do... is define the terms of the friendship clearly in advance. It seems you have failed to do that.

 

Your taking advantage of this guy and it's not right.

 

However, its your life... do as you wish. Just remember that how you treat others shows who you are.

 

I don't see how I am leading him on.

 

I met with him because he knew I broke up with my boyfriend, and he had just broken up with someone, too.

 

We each individually talked about our respective breakups. I was very candid about my feelings towards my ex.

 

Me saying: "BTW, I am only interested in a friendship," would be kind of ostentatious and presumptuous of me, when I made it clear in every other way, that I was not interested in him romantically.

[Jannah]

Panda, you are aware that you are rebounding, otherwise you would not have posted this thread. So, it is good that you are acknowledging where you are emotionally in terms of dating/relationships.

 

I would just let these men know, that you are fresh out of a relationship, and proceed from there.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't see how I am leading him on.

I met with him because he knew I broke up with my boyfriend, and he had just broken up with someone, too.

We each individually talked about our respective breakups. I was very candid about my feelings towards my ex.

Me saying: "BTW, I am only interested in a friendship," would be kind of ostentatious and presumptuous of me, when I made it clear in every other way, that I was not interested in him romantically.

 

That is exactly what you need to say, and no it isn't presumptuous.

 

Maybe he will say... "Uh Yeah I never wanted to be anything more than friends"... and then you will say "Good, because I'm only Chippendale Dancers from now on", you will both have a good laugh and move on.

 

If you can't actually tell him... then your clearly leading him on, and your doing it on purpose.

 

I seriously can't believe I have to tell you this. You've always done the right thing even if you don't like the consequences. Being shifty like this just isn't you Panda!

 

Panda, you are aware that you are rebounding, otherwise you would not have posted this thread. So, it is good that you are acknowledging where you are emotionally in terms of dating/relationships.

I would just let these men know, that you are fresh out of a relationship, and proceed from there.

 

Fresh out of relationship just means she is single.... at worst not ready to date yet.

 

That is very different from... "I will never be interested in you Romantically"

 

Do you see that difference?

[Jannah]

UTF, I see what you are saying, but if someone told me they were fresh out of a relationship - I'd proceed with caution - on my own, regardless. I would also want to know how long ago the relationship ended, and would either ask the person directly, or try to find out via other means.

[pandagirl]

That is exactly what you need to say, and no it isn't presumptuous.

 

Maybe he will say... "Uh Yeah I never wanted to be anything more than friends"... and then you will say "Good, because I'm only Chippendale Dancers from now on", you will both have a good laugh and move on.

 

If you can't actually tell him... then your clearly leading him on, and your doing it on purpose.

 

I seriously can't believe I have to tell you this. You've always done the right thing even if you don't like the consequences. Being shifty like this just isn't you Panda!

 

Fresh out of relationship just means she is single.... at worst not ready to date yet.

 

That is very different from... "I will never be interested in you Romantically"

 

Do you see that difference?

 

I'm not shifty! I promise!

 

I don't think it qualifies as "leading on" yet. If I keep on hanging out with him regularly and letting him pay, then it's going to get to that point. But I am good about setting boundaries with male friends. I've seen him ONCE.

 

Doesn't telling him: "I'm still in love with my ex," kind of a MAJOR hint that I'm not interested??

[Untouchable_Fire]

UTF, I see what you are saying, but if someone told me they were fresh out of a relationship - I'd proceed with caution - on my own, regardless. I would also want to know how long ago the relationship ended, and would either ask the person directly, or try to find out via other means.

 

This guy just got out of a relationship too. He may not be able to help getting his hopes up, if she doesn't tell him. Also a good chance he isn't thinking clearly.

 

Just because you have the guts to ask someone's feeling straight up doesn't mean others have that strength as well.

 

The thing about being strong... whether physically or emotionally... it means you should be gentle with those who lack your strength.

 

I'm not shifty! I promise!

I don't think it qualifies as "leading on" yet. If I keep on hanging out with him regularly and letting him pay, then it's going to get to that point. But I am good about setting boundaries with male friends.

Doesn't telling him: "I'm still in love with my ex," kind of a MAJOR hint that I'm not interested??

 

I know! Your one of the most kind hearted and honest person on this site.

 

I think your in that breakup mode where your still hurting.

 

You can't really just assume he realizes it. He is probably thinking that if he hangs around and plays his cards right... once you get over the recent breakup, you and he will start dating.

 

Of course if your open to the idea of dating him in the future... then you have no need to give him the "just friends" speech.

[Jannah]

This guy just got out of a relationship too. He may not be able to help getting his hopes up, if she doesn't tell him. Also a good chance he isn't thinking clearly.

 

Just because you have the guts to ask someone's feeling straight up doesn't mean others have that strength as well.

 

The thing about being strong... whether physically or emotionally... it means you should be gentle with those who lack your strength.

 

From what Panda has said, the first guy was not interested in a relationship back when they dated, so she doesn't owe him anything beyond that.

 

The second guy, knows she is just out of a relationship and that she is not healed from it yet....He's either going to use that as leverage....or will keep his distance emotionally if he wants to avoid being a rebound.

 

All Panda can do at this point, is disclose that she is fresh out of a relationship. The other person, then chooses what to do with that information.

 

I hope that clarifies it more.

[Star Gazer]

I am seeking out romantic attention from guy #1 (the guy I dated last summer). More than anything, I just find it comforting to be around men. Is that a horrible thing to admit?

 

I don't think it's a horrible thing to admit, but I do think it's a horrible thing to DO. You're using this guy to fill a void, knowing full well how he feels about you. That's not right, Panda.

 

Let me ask you... How did you two reconnect? And why'd you stop dating him back when you did?

[Jannah]

It's been a little over a month since my break up. I'm doing OK. I really miss him and still love him, but it had to happen and I'm trying my best to move on.

 

Recently, I've gotten back in touch with a guy I dated last summer. We didn't work out because I was more interested in a relationship and he wasn't. I was upset, but haven't given him any thought at all since I was with most recent ex. I have no emotional resonance with this guy, but he's cute and fun and we're going to meet up next week.

 

There's also another guy I've hung out with in a strictly platonic way. He knows I just broke up and that I'm not over it still. But he always pays for everything for me, and walks me home. I really enjoy talking to him and being friends, but nothing more. I won't lie and say that it is nice to have some male attention though.

 

Though I have no plans of dating either of these guys, am I in some way "rebounding" in a platonic way?? And am I leading guy #2 on? I have done nothing to imply that I like him in a romantic manner, but I am astute enough to know that he fancies me a little bit.

 

For emphasis.