Am I wrong?

[Lakeside_runner]

Please advise me on two things:

 

FIRST:

 

I met a girl on match.com about two weeks ago, we met up for coffee. Everything was fine. Just fine. Not extraordinary, not wow, just fine. Date ended with a hug. I invited her out for lunch last weekend, we had a somewhat good time, after lunch we took a walk and got coffee, sat down a talked some more. Date ended with a kiss on the lips. So as you see everything is ok.

 

Now, here is the thing. There is a couple of things that bother me. I can't judge if I am too picky or not but it just bothers me.

 

1. I had to pay for everything so far. I don't mind paying for the coffees on date #1 - that's normal. I don't mind paying for our lunch on date #2. What bothered me is that it would be nice of her to take care of the coffees on date #2.

 

2. She added me on Sunday on facebook. I don't facebook people whom I am dating - well she initiated it so... I found out that she got out from a 5-months relationship only two weeks prior to when we have met. I don't know the story but I don't want to be a rebound etc.

 

3. As far as the 'spark' goes, I think it's only moderately. It is there and it's not.

 

I am actually thinking of calling her today (I told her I am going to call her today) and thanking her and saying the usual "good luck"-thing. Why would I waist someones time, right? Am I wrong? Am I too picky?

 

SECOND:

 

A year ago I met a girl and we dated for three months. It ended in January because I had to move. We were very compatible as far as our lifestyle and interests are considered. It was one of these instances where I was attracted to her from the get-go. When I was with her, I had butterflies in my stomach . Recently (in the past two months) I went out on a couple of dates but none of these girls sparked the same feeling. I think I am over the break-up (it's been a long time since then) but I just long for that feeling. Is it possible to feel it again with someone else?

 

Thanks!

[Serenitynow]

My rule of thumb :

 

If you are questioning yourself about breaking it off with someone, then break it off.

[Star Gazer]

1. Given how inexpensive the dates have been so far, honestly, I wouldn't have paid yet either. True, it would have been nice for her to pick up something, but if that's going to be a standard "rule" for you to follow, then you're going to miss out on a ton of quality women. If you're getting upset about her not paying for coffee, then yes, you're being too picky.

 

2. You should talk to HER about how she feels about the end of that relationship. 5 months would mean nothing to some people, a lot to someone else. Maybe she ended it and she's glad she did. Don't assume that rebounding is automatic with the end of every relationship.

 

3. What's with a lunch date? Pretty hard to develop the za za zoo on a coffee/lunch date, IMO. You gotta have the right atmosphere...

 

As for chemistry... It's there, and it's not. I think you're letting the above control your heart strings too much, you're being too cerebral about it.

 

It's also not fair to compare her to someone from your past. Every relationship is unique, and you may never recreate that feeling with someone else.

 

Give it another shot, and do something romantic!! Go to a swanky bar/restaurant or something, and give her the opportunity to pick up the tab on something...

Edited October 5, 2010 by Star Gazer

[Star Gazer]

1. I had to pay for everything so far. I don't mind paying for the coffees on date #1 - that's normal. I don't mind paying for our lunch on date #2. What bothered me is that it would be nice of her to take care of the coffees on date #2.

 

I just came across another post of yours in another thread where you actually said that you don't want a girl to even offer to pay for the first THREE dates because it makes you feel like the date didn't go well. Did you change your mind?

 

Or do you think perhaps you're just reaching for excuses because you're not feeling for her what you felt for your ex?

[Lucky555]

If your not interested in her then don't waste her time.

 

OH the lovely Facebook!!! I dodged being a rebound by adding the guy was dating to facebook...I found out he had been in a relationship only 2 months before he dated me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know that until facebook. I was myself but it didn't work out obviously.

 

5 months..I would ask her about it. However it doesn't mean she isn't ready to move forward. Like myself i broke if off with someone because they didn't have time for a relationship and i felt like i was being used and the guy really didn't seem like he cared. Otherwise I'm totally ready to date someone else though. So i would ASK!

[Chocolat]

1. I think she should have offered to pay for something at this point. I certainly would have. Both parties should have an oar in the water, imo.

 

2. Yes, you will find it again, although possibly not with the woman from #1 and definitely not until you are over this one.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

If you were really, seriously, into her, would any of your numbered items matter? Would you be bringing up your ex?

 

I'd cut her loose.

[Lakeside_runner]

LOL oh man....I was never ever a "big spender" when I dated but I think a lot of people must be looking at this from a really "micro" financial perspective.

 

C'mon it's just a couple of coffees and then date no. 2 is lunch & coffees.

 

Like I said as a matter of principle I agree in equity on the dating costs but isn't $20-$30 for a coffee date followed by a lunch date completely trivial?

 

Well, the lunch was $64.00 in total, but it doesn't matter. There are some other underlying issues. I probably am just not that much into her. I'll set up something more romantic and will see then.

[Lakeside_runner]

I just came across another post of yours in another thread where you actually said that you don't want a girl to even offer to pay for the first THREE dates because it makes you feel like the date didn't go well. Did you change your mind?

 

Let's put it that way. What I meant was: "If I take a girl out to lunch/dinner whatever and she offers to pay for herself then yes - I feel like the date didn't go so well." I just feel like it's nice if the other party does something too. I didn't change my mind, I was just not precise enough in the other thread.

 

Or do you think perhaps you're just reaching for excuses because you're not feeling for her what you felt for your ex?

 

That.

[cabarc1]

Yes it is very possible to have those butterflies again. A year after my 5 year relationship i decided to get back out there and the 1st two guys were ok but the next 2 guys had me smiling 24/7 and produced major butterflies. If i can't feel that way about them then i won't even bother..

[welikeincrowds]

the za za zoo

 

The... t-the za za zoo?

 

What is za za zoo?

 

 

Anyway, I agree with SG. You need a do something more explicitly romantic. If you haven't been completely disgusted by her yet then those sparks definitely have a chance of coming.

 

You have to remember that we're pretty good at falling for the fundamental attribution error, and setting has a lot more to do with how you're feeling than you realize. Give it a chance.

 

Oh and don't let whether or not she pays so soon out the gates get in the way of your finding someone, either. In fact, it's kinda on you to pick places that are inexpensive but still great. She's paying attention, I'm sure.

[FL Lady]

I must be a terrible date then because it is not until the 3rd date that I offer to help pay. So far guys have been great and NO I'm not easy.

Edited October 5, 2010 by FL Lady

[Lakeside_runner]

LOL if you're going to spend that much money on lunch in the first place, you can't seriously do so resentfully.

 

Let me ask you something: Would you normally spend $64 for two people on a lunch, out of your own pocket? (Not talking expense account here.)

 

That works out to $32 for your own solo lunch.

 

Maybe part of the problem with this whole "who pays" issue is the notion people have that doing this is a way to "impress" the date?

 

If you want to get a relationship going good, with someone who's compatible, then when you buy her lunch, why not be natural about what you get? I'm not saying it has to be McDonald's (although I see nothing wrong with that actually if you care for the taste) but frankly there are NUMEROUS places that cater to working stiffs where you could def. get lunch for two people for under $20.00. No it's not going to be "restaurant" style food but hey--it's only LUNCH!!!! On a second date no less.

 

Even in NYC they have places like Orange Julius.

 

After all throwing down $64 on lunch, what does that really prove? Esp. if that's going to be enough to be a dent in your wallet that makes you somewhat resentful about it.

 

You're far better off getting a slice of pizza or something. Or do they have anything like Panera Bread where you are at? Or a diner or something?

 

Or a bar that serves good food?

 

Geez I don't think I've EVER spent that much for lunch. It just seems incredible to me. I mean for $32 you could get 5 or 6 foot long heros from Subway. That's a LOT of food.

 

Yes I can see if you're going to a reasonably fancy restaurant you can hypothetically spend that kind of money for lunch, but in the future try to follow the rule of not spending extra money doing something on a date just because you think you "have" to or it will serve to "impress" your date.

 

Next time when you take someone out for lunch on a date share a NORMAL lunch with her.

 

It was not meant to impress her and I don't resent spending that money. I enjoyed the meal very much and would do it again.

 

I have given it some more thought and I think the major issue is just the lack of the spark. I am moderately attracted to her i.e. I am not all over her. It's a situation where if she'd decided not to continue that, I'd be ok with it. It wouldn't make me sad.

 

I have to agree with SG though - I should give it a chance and do something more romantic and judge afterwards.

[bac]

Please advise me on two things:

 

FIRST:

 

I met a girl on match.com about two weeks ago, we met up for coffee. Everything was fine. Just fine. Not extraordinary, not wow, just fine. Date ended with a hug. I invited her out for lunch last weekend, we had a somewhat good time, after lunch we took a walk and got coffee, sat down a talked some more. Date ended with a kiss on the lips. So as you see everything is ok.

 

Now, here is the thing. There is a couple of things that bother me. I can't judge if I am too picky or not but it just bothers me.

 

1. I had to pay for everything so far. I don't mind paying for the coffees on date #1 - that's normal. I don't mind paying for our lunch on date #2. What bothered me is that it would be nice of her to take care of the coffees on date #2.

 

2. She added me on Sunday on facebook. I don't facebook people whom I am dating - well she initiated it so... I found out that she got out from a 5-months relationship only two weeks prior to when we have met. I don't know the story but I don't want to be a rebound etc.

 

3. As far as the 'spark' goes, I think it's only moderately. It is there and it's not.

 

I am actually thinking of calling her today (I told her I am going to call her today) and thanking her and saying the usual "good luck"-thing. Why would I waist someones time, right? Am I wrong? Am I too picky?

 

SECOND:

 

A year ago I met a girl and we dated for three months. It ended in January because I had to move. We were very compatible as far as our lifestyle and interests are considered. It was one of these instances where I was attracted to her from the get-go. When I was with her, I had butterflies in my stomach . Recently (in the past two months) I went out on a couple of dates but none of these girls sparked the same feeling. I think I am over the break-up (it's been a long time since then) but I just long for that feeling. Is it possible to feel it again with someone else?

 

Thanks!

 

IMO The reasons are wrong to stop dating because they are small irrelevant details.

How can she meet your expectations about the small details if you have never mentioned to her what they were. You have never told her that you expected her to pay on dates and what your rules about FB were.

The butterflies are 50/50 just BS.

In fact, if you pay money and you waste your time on the dates, you deserve the reward for your efforts or make sure that you dislike the girl enough that you refuse to get the reward.

Edited October 5, 2010 by bac

[alexlakeman]

OP you are just cheap... how can you really expect a woman to pay for a second date or second lunch, coffee?? GET REAL!!!!!!!! Did it break the bank??? You are a man, pay for the freakin date....lunch, whatever...

[Confusedalways]

OP I feel the same way about a date I was on-- everything just kind of middle of the road, spark there then not, etc.

 

I think we're both doing the same thing re: nitpicking because we're not all that interested.

 

FWIW I definitely would have payed for the second coffee. Is she even offering?

[OceanGirl]

I feel the same way about the guy I have now dated for over a month. From date 1 it was just blahh. It didn't really improve either so I decided to end it.