martina_1983 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 (edited) I've come to this forum since there's really no one I can talk to. Thanks so much for reading! I've been friends for many years with this guy I met in school. We've always flirted mildly but nothing ever happened. We'd go out once every couple of months and while nothing physical ever happened, it often felt like a date as we'd go to nice events and enjoy a good meal together. To make a long story short, I ended up getting married (to another man) and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 10 months ago. About two months ago I connected with my friend on facebook and we went out, just like in the old days. We went out late and had such a great time. And then last week we flew to New York to go to the opera. Again, we had a wonderful evening. I know this is probably my fault but I can feel that my friend is starting to have feelings for me. While I do find him very attractive, I am married and will not engage in an affair. My best friend told me I was a bitch for going out with him and then flying to New York for the opera must've definitely given him the wrong vibe. I thought it was clear that nothing would happen (despite the obvious attraction) since I am already married. I may end up losing a friend over this and I'm starting to feel bad about it. Do you think I did anything wrong? Is it my fault? Edited October 4, 2010 by martina_1983
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I may end up losing a friend over this and I'm starting to feel bad about it. Do you think I did anything wrong? Is it my fault? Affair or not... what you did is pretty skeezy. First... it's disrespectful to your husband... remember the guy who is the father of your child? Second, You are leading this "friend" on by your actions. Lastly, it is not sufficient to assume he knows nothing will happen, because your essentially going on a date with him. Hey... I also know you don't mean anything bad. You just want the friendship and attention... also maybe your having some post pardem stuff.
Author martina_1983 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 Affair or not... what you did is pretty skeezy. First... it's disrespectful to your husband... remember the guy who is the father of your child? Second, You are leading this "friend" on by your actions. Lastly, it is not sufficient to assume he knows nothing will happen, because your essentially going on a date with him. Hey... I also know you don't mean anything bad. You just want the friendship and attention... also maybe your having some post pardem stuff. Thanks for the honest feedback. Would you say I crossed the line? It definitely didn't feel like it on my end. Gosh I feel so terrible.
Maggotface Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Hmm not so much crossed a line, just kinda led the guy on. You never laid down before hand that nothing was going to happen between the two of you, that you are married and dont intent to cheat. Don't feel to bad about this, at least you didnt actually cheat on your husband. I don't think it was right of this guy to call you a bitch because of what you did but next time you go out with a guy friend tell him before hand that it's not a date and that you're married.
Author martina_1983 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 Hmm not so much crossed a line, just kinda led the guy on. You never laid down before hand that nothing was going to happen between the two of you, that you are married and dont intent to cheat. Don't feel to bad about this, at least you didnt actually cheat on your husband. I don't think it was right of this guy to call you a bitch because of what you did but next time you go out with a guy friend tell him before hand that it's not a date and that you're married. Thanks for responding. It's my girlfriend who called me a bitch, not the guy I hung out with.
Sabali Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Your friend is your D**k in a glass case. Make no mistake, you will break open that case as soon as your loving husband screw up in anyway, shape or form. Let you become suspicious that your loving husband is cheating on you... Time to break out that D**K. Let you find you out that your husband is spending too much time with his friends... time to break out that D**K. Let yourself feel as if your husband is not touching you enough... time to break out that D**K. I can see the glass splattered all over the kitchen counter already, girlfriend. No? You already said you find your friend "very attractive." If you really viewed him as simply a friend, you would have simply said "I don't even see him like that." By you stating that he is very attractive it means you are attacted to him. Discard your temptation/Discard your glass case. It will "accidently" slip inside of you one day if you don't. I can just hear you now..."Honey, we didn't mean for this to happen. We were just walking along on our way to the opera and suddenly he slipped and fell inside of me... I will keep the house and you can keep the dog and the car. You can pick up our beautiful baby girl every other weekend..."
mortensorchid Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I am assuming that your husband is/was ok with this. You can't exactly slip away for something you have to fly to do or see. If so, then you didn't do anything wrong in that department. As for the man that you went with, I'm assuming he also said that he was clear on this before you went away. If so, then you didn't do anything wrong. If not, then that was bad, and you should put the boundaries clear with him ASAP. As for your friend who was bent out of shape about this, hard to say. She (I'm assuming it's a she) sounds like the jealous type. She pointed out your flawed behavior. Chances are she didn't start here. Maybe she's not a good friend to begin with. Something like this happened to me recently. I was in New York in May for a concert, there I met and made many new friends there while camping out in line all day. One gave me his phone number and hoped that we would chat further about our wonderful time there. I called him a few weeks later and we chatted. He lives in Detroit where my other band hails from, so I called and asked if he would be around and maybe we could meet for lunch. When I got to his house, he was quite blue. His girlfriend (who I had met during the same New York trip) was angry with him for going to lunch with me. I offered to talk to her and tell her that nothing shady was going on. After all, if we were going to do something behind her back neither would have told her we were meeting. But, she didn't see it that way. I apologized to him, saying that I didn't mean to cause him any trouble and I was only interested in meeting him as a friend. I have since talked to him and they have smoothed it over. People have their own ideas about what others are doing, I'm sorry you are in this situation.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Would you say I crossed the line? It definitely didn't feel like it on my end. Gosh I feel so terrible. So, would you be okay if your husband did what you did? Same history you have with this guy, but he has the same history with another woman? You put yourself IN a situation where something could have happened. Point is, you need to have boundries with men friends. Especially those who are past flames, have had crushes on, or potientals that never panned out. And yes, you going away with that guy DID give him hope, an expectation that something could happen. Guys thoughts lead to sex and lust. Even if you think they aren't thinking it, they ARE. Doesn't mean they'll act upon it, but the thougths are definately there.
that girl Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Wait, did you husband know about the trip to NYC in advance? If he was fine with it, then you didn't disrespect your husband. I could kind of see going on that kind of trip with a very, very close friend who was far better off than me, but this guy isn't a super close friend, it would have raised alarm bells for me and I would have started questioning his expectations. This guy sounds like an acquaintance more than a friend. I think you were dumb and probably a little bit selfish, but I don't think you are the most horrible person ever. It sounds like you liked the attention and just assumed he liked some flirty banter in his life, but his guy likely spent $1000 on you and that should have made you think twice. At the same time, he is a schmuck for thinking you would cheat. That is insulting. The friendship needs to end permanently. I would send him a nice email or letter explaining how you have enjoyed knowing him but you're expectations are obviously different and as a married woman you cannot continue the friendship. Then delete him from your phone, email, and facebook.
Stung Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 OP, what are your husband's feelings about this? I can tell you that if my husband wanted to fly to another city to see an opera with a 'friend' he found attractive and leave me at home with the baby, I'd definitely be feeling unhappy and thinking he crossed a line. As for this 'friend', I'd cut contact way, way back to rein things in, and strongly consider dropping contact altogether. I do feel it's okay to have opposite-sex friends, but those friendships need strong boundaries set around them. This friendship is NOT purely platonic and you are playing with fire. You're using him--probably each using the other--for external validation and those exciting flirtatious feelings, for the reminder of what it was to be footloose and free before marriage and children, which is almost definitely giving him the wrong impression and could easily start you both down the wrong path to an emotional, if not physical, affair.
Recommended Posts