porter218 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I have been single now for almost 2yrs and finally back into the dating game. I finalized my divorce 1 1/2 years ago which some of you established LSers watched happen in front of you. I have gone out on a few dates and even had a short relationship(4months) in the last year but find myself making excuses to not date. I have found I have a pattern that I almost always stick to and I'm not 100% sure why. I will meet a guy on a dating site email a few times then start texting. Move up to phone conversations then he will finally put the pressure on to meet. On a rare occasion I will go through with it, one date. But more often I will start to fade away at that point. I begin to tell them I can't get a babysitter (I never even called the babysitter:laugh:), I'm too busy with work etc. Just random excuses. Sometimes they are valid but usually they aren't or they may be exaggerated. It's not that I don't like the guy, I really do. After the millions of excuses I begin to ignore texts for 48hrs before I respond...I know thats rude but I seem to not be able to help it. This will go on till they give up then months later I find myself thinking, "what if he would have been a great bf. He seemed so great. why did I do that?". I really do want to be in a R again but I have to date first to get there. I am wondering if this is common... anyone have any insight? ... possible way to break this cycle?
sanskrit Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 This is their mistake as much as yours. As the online approachers, men should hasten the meeting process as much as possible. I almost never go past two weeks from her first reply to an in-person meeting, and have never experienced the kinds of wishy-washiness you profess that stems from waiting too long. Once she responds to an Email, I will ask for her phone number in my reply. I have gotten the phone number 90% of the time then, and 100% of the time by the second round of Email. Call within 48 hours, do some very subtle screening during 5 minutes, then ask out for a date 3-5 days away. We meet and then we are into traditional dating land. Do you think that you would still have the sort of lukewarm feeling problems you have if the men followed something like the above process?
Author porter218 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 This is their mistake as much as yours. As the online approachers, men should hasten the meeting process as much as possible. I almost never go past two weeks from her first reply to an in-person meeting, and have never experienced the kinds of wishy-washiness you profess that stems from waiting too long. Once she responds to an Email, I will ask for her phone number in my reply. I have gotten the phone number 90% of the time then, and 100% of the time by the second round of Email. Call within 48 hours, do some very subtle screening during 5 minutes, then ask out for a date 3-5 days away. We meet and then we are into traditional dating land. Do you think that you would still have the sort of lukewarm feeling problems you have if the men followed something like the above process? And there is another problem. Those are the messages that I ignore. I feel uncomfortable when a guy wants my number so quickly.
sanskrit Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 And there is another problem. Those are the messages that I ignore. I feel uncomfortable when a guy wants my number so quickly. Well it's certainly your right to feel that way, but must ask why be on the site at all if you aren't ready to actually meet people? Have you ever had a man write you whose profile made a strong impression on you? Would your attitude be the same in that case or different?
melodymatters Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I can SO TOTALLY relate Porter ! I think perhaps we are not online dating material ??? I know I can meet someone at the most awkward time and silly place, but it all must unfold organically from there. I have talked to plenty of pleasant folk on the dating sites, but I follow the same pattern you do, and when I question myself, my answer is usually " Well, DUH, he's a complete stranger ?!? Why the hell WOULD you want to get a baby sitter, get dressed up, etc etc, to hang out with a stranger ???" I'm sure I have passed up people online who would have been lovely dating material if we had met...at a store...at a party... through a friend. I just can NOT get myself invested in even phone calls, let alone dates with complete strangers. I feel like an a** !!! ( Nothing wrong with it AT ALL: just might not work for some people)
sanskrit Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 You know I just realized something, have written some single mothers of young children, maybe 10-15% of my outbound first Emails, but have not gotten responses from many, maybe < 5, and don't think I ever actually dated a mother of small children from the dating sites. For certain, none of the women I've dated had to get a babysitter.
Author porter218 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 Well it's certainly your right to feel that way, but must ask why be on the site at all if you aren't ready to actually meet people? Have you ever had a man write you whose profile made a strong impression on you? Would your attitude be the same in that case or different? I dated a guy off of one of those sites so the whole thing isn't completely lost on me. I think it goes a little beyond just getting to the point of meeting them. I can actually say I never ever called the guy I dated, not one time. Some times I would do the same thing to him with ignoring his calls or texts. At least with him I got to the point of dating. I feel like I'm ready to meet people, or at least I think I am. I just feel overwhelmed by the online dating thing. How in the world to you actually pick who is worth your time and who isn't? I think I may be hung up a little bit on the whole 'waste of my time' thing. Like if he isn't what I want IRL and I wasted a couple hrs at dinner with this guy when I would have rather be at home with my kids.
Author porter218 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I can SO TOTALLY relate Porter ! I think perhaps we are not online dating material ??? I know I can meet someone at the most awkward time and silly place, but it all must unfold organically from there. I have talked to plenty of pleasant folk on the dating sites, but I follow the same pattern you do, and when I question myself, my answer is usually " Well, DUH, he's a complete stranger ?!? Why the hell WOULD you want to get a baby sitter, get dressed up, etc etc, to hang out with a stranger ???" I'm sure I have passed up people online who would have been lovely dating material if we had met...at a store...at a party... through a friend. I just can NOT get myself invested in even phone calls, let alone dates with complete strangers. I feel like an a** !!! ( Nothing wrong with it AT ALL: just might not work for some people) yea, that pretty much sums it up. And to be honest, I really have no idea how the guy I dated managed to get me to go through all that for him. I don't know what was different about his approach then the others. I actually stood someone up do go out with him on a last minute type of thing. I guess I already had the babysitter picking the kids up from school so going out wasn't a big deal. I think otherwise I would have doe the same thing to him too. meh...maybe online isn't my thing.
Author porter218 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 You know I just realized something, have written some single mothers of young children, maybe 10-15% of my outbound first Emails, but have not gotten responses from many, maybe < 5, and don't think I ever actually dated a mother of small children from the dating sites. For certain, none of the women I've dated had to get a babysitter. maybe they are like me and feel you are rushing them too much...?? haha, I think we are both realizing the other sides of the story.
Author porter218 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 alright... well one of these guys I pulled this stunt with I emailed him last night. I appoligized for dropping of the face of the planet and he responded saying he was glad to hear from me and will call in the evening after I put the kids to bed in the next day or two. Yay! He is really good looking and seems like a really genuine guy. You guys need to encourage me to follow through with him LOL. Seriously, I don't want to keep this cycle going.
ezrajames Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Every relationship you have ever had began as two relative strangers. If you're making excuses not to get on the phone with someone, you should spend some time addressing your fears. What are your goals? Do you want to meet new people, or would you rather stay comfortable and lonely? I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to do some introspective thinking, and think positively instead of making excuses.
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