Men: Would You Sign a Pre-nup to Protect Her Assets?

[Tiberius]

I agree that it's generally pretty well-defined. Once we know a person, I do agree that we can generally predict what they will or won't do, but there are those dark places, insecurites, addiction issues, and pain from childhood deep inside that can lead a person to re-define their character regressively; and those are the flaws in an otherwise exemplary, publicly-shown character that we cannot predict. Hence, a pre-nup.

 

Consider yourself fortunate that your experiences with people have always been predictable. Thanks for your input and I respect your position as well.

 

Well its all about what you can get away with. Many men shun signing the marriage contract and are interesting enough to get a woman who will cohabit with them and give them children without marriage, just the way they wanted it, with the woman they wanted, or get married with the prenup they deem safe. Then there are men who are not in a position to make as many demands.

 

If you are in a position where you would "lose" in a divorce, then a prenup is desirable, regardless of gender. If you think you can get him to sign one and marry you, go for it, there is no reason not to.

[PhoenixLady]

I agree that it's generally pretty well-defined. Once we know a person, I do agree that we can generally predict what they will or won't do, but there are those dark places, insecurites, addiction issues, and pain from childhood deep inside that can lead a person to re-define their character regressively; and those are the flaws in an otherwise exemplary, publicly-shown character that we cannot predict. Hence, a pre-nup.

 

Consider yourself fortunate that your experiences with people have always been predictable. Thanks for your input and I respect your position as well.

 

Let me clarify...my experiences with people has not always been predictable in all areas. I agree with you to a degree. But generally I would think most people would be aware of the dark places, insecurities, etc. before they marry a person. I don't think those things, including addiction, makes a person suddenly become unethical if they weren't before. But like I said, I can only go by my personal experience.

 

And like I said, I'd never ask someone to sign one and I'd never sign one...I'd sooner not get married again than do either of those things.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

But generally I would think most people would be aware of the dark places, insecurities, etc. before they marry a person. I don't think those things, including addiction, makes a person suddenly become unethical if they weren't before. But like I said, I can only go by my personal experience.

 

Can I give you an example? How about two?

 

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl start dating. They have an open and honest relationship where NOTHING is off limits. Boy tells girl his parents are divorced. They divorce as adults, and though he was sad about it, he says he has made peace with it and is happy for them both as separate adults.

 

Boy marries girl. Several years later, boy grows unhappy. Boy says nothing and avoids potential conflict, as is his birth family's pattern, the Girl learns. Girl asks what is wrong, boy says nothing. Girl believes boy because he has always been honest and forthright with her.

 

Boy meets co-worker. Boy falls for co-worker. Boy starts lying to Girl. Boy boinks co-worker. Boy leaves Girl and says he doesn't want to be "like his mom, and stay too long in an unhappy marriage."

 

Or

 

Successfully employed and never-unfaithful Girl marries boy. But, Girl conceals childhood sexual abuse due to shame and the fact she was rejected by a boyfriend after revealing the abuse in her 20s. Girl thinks marriage and family will make her happy - that's all she's needed! Girl discovers that, because she isn't happy with herself, that marriage and children doesn't fill the void. Girl starts drinking. Girl becomes alcoholic. Girl now starts making out with men at bars while drunk. Girl tries Cocaine. Girl becomes addicted. Girl starts lying, cheating and doing all manner of things against her character.

 

I'm the biggest proponent in the world of the predictive capabilities of human beings. But I can't accept that we're always in the position to predict eventual behaviors that the people who are actually engaging in those behaviors have been unable to foresee themselves.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I dont really see what the OP's problem is. I mean if you dont wanna share what you earned, all you have to do is simply not get married. Just date casually for the rest of your life. Easy and very simple.

 

You know its not like you are a man and it is hard for you to find a woman who will willingly be with you knowing fully that there will be no prospect of marriage. You are a woman and most men are not so obsessed with the concept of marriage.

 

Unless of course you are the one who want to get married in which case you cant have your cake and eat it too.

 

You have to make a choice. Which one is more important.

 

I don't have a problem. I was merely posing a hypothetical question to gather anecdotal data points should I ever be in the proprosed situation as I (believe) I clearly illustrated in my original post.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Your hypothetical question was not even very clear. Were you asking what if one day a man who were poorer than you proposed to you?

 

Honestly, I'm satisfied with the feedback and number of responses I've already received. It's nothing personal, and if your interest in trying to better understand my intent is genuine, I appreciate it, but restating the intent of my post to make it clear for one individual is of little interest to me.

[PhoenixLady]

Can I give you an example? How about two?

 

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl start dating. They have an open and honest relationship where NOTHING is off limits. Boy tells girl his parents are divorced. They divorce as adults, and though he was sad about it, he says he has made peace with it and is happy for them both as separate adults.

 

Boy marries girl. Several years later, boy grows unhappy. Boy says nothing and avoids potential conflict, as is his birth family's pattern, the Girl learns. Girl asks what is wrong, boy says nothing. Girl believes boy because he has always been honest and forthright with her.

 

Boy meets co-worker. Boy falls for co-worker. Boy starts lying to Girl. Boy boinks co-worker. Boy leaves Girl and says he doesn't want to be "like his mom, and stay too long in an unhappy marriage."

 

Or

 

Successfully employed and never-unfaithful Girl marries boy. But, Girl conceals childhood sexual abuse due to shame and the fact she was rejected by a boyfriend after revealing the abuse in her 20s. Girl thinks marriage and family will make her happy - that's all she's needed! Girl discovers that, because she isn't happy with herself, that marriage and children doesn't fill the void. Girl starts drinking. Girl becomes alcoholic. Girl now starts making out with men at bars while drunk. Girl tries Cocaine. Girl becomes addicted. Girl starts lying, cheating and doing all manner of things against her character.

 

I'm the biggest proponent in the world of the predictive capabilities of human beings. But I can't accept that we're always in the position to predict eventual behaviors that the people who are actually engaging in those behaviors have been unable to foresee themselves.

 

The lesson here is to never marry a boy or girl. One should only marry a man or a woman.

 

But in all seriousness, this just all seems a little farfetched (sp?) as examples go. Mature people don't usually do a 180 when it comes to their values and ethical behavior as I pointed out before. Besides, I don't see the point. How will a prenup protect you from all of that? The people in your example probably wouldn't have the audacity to then demand more than their fair financial share in the breakup.

 

I don't know though...maybe I've been living in a bubble or something. Or perhaps I'm just a really good judge of character?

[CrestfallenNoMore]

The lesson here is to never marry a boy or girl. One should only marry a man or a woman.

 

But in all seriousness, this just all seems a little farfetched (sp?) as examples go. Mature people don't usually do a 180 when it comes to their values and ethical behavior as I pointed out before. Besides, I don't see the point. How will a prenup protect you from all of that? The people in your example probably wouldn't have the audacity to then demand more than their fair financial share in the breakup.

 

I don't know though...maybe I've been living in a bubble or something. Or perhaps I'm just a really good judge of character?

 

Actually, I am intimately familiar with both scenarios, both in my own life and my extended family. You're fortunate in the circles in which you travel if you find them so uncommon.

 

If you wish to attribute your lack of running into those experiences to some superior people-judging skills, so be it.

[PhoenixLady]

Actually, I am intimately familiar with both scenarios, both in my own life and my extended family. You're fortunate in the circles in which you travel if you find them so uncommon.

 

If you wish to attribute your lack of running into those experiences to some superior people-judging skills, so be it.

 

Maybe my people-judging skills really are superior and maybe I've just been lucky. Who is to say? I'm sorry you've had so much drama in your life. If you feel that a prenup will save you from all that, so be it. I wish you luck.

[donnamaybe]

Let me clarify...my experiences with people has not always been predictable in all areas. I agree with you to a degree. But generally I would think most people would be aware of the dark places, insecurities, etc. before they marry a person.

If you think ANYONE, even your closest friend or lover, is going to allow you to be privvy to those dark places, you are very wrong. I would advise you to remember that in the future or you may well end up in an awful situation.

[PhoenixLady]

If you think ANYONE, even your closest friend or lover, is going to allow you to be privvy to those dark places, you are very wrong. I would advise you to remember that in the future or you may well end up in an awful situation.

 

Thanks for the advice but after nearly half a century on this earth I've done ok so far. There are ALWAYS warning signs, even if we don't know the particulars about a person's "dark side." It's up to us whether we ignore them or not.

[donnamaybe]

Wow. Where do I start? I'm sorry but I've been married and divorced and the person I divorced, was really the same person I married as far as character goes. He didn't magically turn into a person of bad character. I just realized that we were like oil and water as far as compatibility was concerned.

Hmmm... Didn't realize BEFORE you got married that you weren't compatible? Now how could that be if you are so astute at reading people?

 

You merely got lucky as far as the D goes.

[PhoenixLady]

Hmmm... Didn't realize BEFORE you got married that you weren't compatible? Now how could that be if you are so astute at reading people?

 

You merely got lucky as far as the D goes.

 

Of course I did. That's why I said we can choose to ignore the signs or not. I knew we were incompatible when we married. But I also knew that he'd never try to take what wasn't his and he didn't. We each left the marriage with what we had going in. He was fair and so was I.

 

Not sure what you meant about getting "lucky" as far as the divorce goes. Lucky in that I didn't get ripped off? Yeah, but it wasn't luck. I knew the man's character. And just because we were incompatible doesn't mean he was a man of bad character. He wasn't.

 

Look, I don't have a problem with people getting pre-nups. I just would never ask for one, nor would I sign one. As I said, it's all or nothing for me. If God forbid I'm ever in a position to be dating again, I'd more than likely not get married again though. But if I ever did, I'd never ask a man to sign a pre-nup. I would trust that I knew the character of the man I was marrying and that he'd never try to take what he had nothing to do with acquiring just as he'd trust that I wouldn't take such actions either.

[donnamaybe]

Just to add: Knowing a person really well enough to determine how they'll react in the event of a breakup requires one to not make decisions based solely on emotion. It's always a good idea to balance one's decisions between the emotional and the intellectual. Anyone who does just the former is a fool...and those who base their decisions solely on the latter are just cold and unemotional robots.

Perhaps I took this wrong, but you came across as quite arrogant in your superiority at how ell you judge people with this post as well as others. It is tantamount to saying "anyone who needs a prenup because their character judging skills aren't good enough are either 'a fool' or a 'cold and unemotional robot.'"

 

It just put me off, really. Sorry if I misunderstood and you didn't intend to come across that way.

[PhoenixLady]

Perhaps I took this wrong, but you came across as quite arrogant in your superiority at how ell you judge people with this post as well as others. It is tantamount to saying "anyone who needs a prenup because their character judging skills aren't good enough are either 'a fool' or a 'cold and unemotional robot.'"

 

It just put me off, really. Sorry if I misunderstood and you didn't intend to come across that way.

 

Sorry you took my post that way. The reason I posted that is someone on here said I judged my decisions on the emotional aspect only. (Not even sure how they came up with that. Wouldn't you have to know someone to be able to determine that?)

 

So if I came across that way, well it was because I was a little put off by that accusation coming from a person who doesn't even know me.

 

And really I don't think people are fools for wanting a prenup. I really, really don't. It's just not for me. It's not my way. But my way is not the only way, nor is it necessarily the right way. It's only right for me. Any other way wouldn't feel right to me and wouldn't be true to myself.

[Lionblade]

As usual a lot of people are going off topic. It's not about morality of prenups or women's views but rather how men in the boards would feel if a woman asked them to sign one.

 

Crest, I would not feel emasculated if my partner asked me to sign a prenup. To me, that shows me that she is financially responsible and isn't naive about life.

[donnamaybe]

Sorry you took my post that way. The reason I posted that is someone on here said I judged my decisions on the emotional aspect only. (Not even sure how they came up with that. Wouldn't you have to know someone to be able to determine that?)

Then I can certainly understand why you posted the way you did.

 

And really I don't think people are fools for wanting a prenup. I really, really don't. It's just not for me. It's not my way. But my way is not the only way, nor is it necessarily the right way. It's only right for me. Any other way wouldn't feel right to me and wouldn't be true to myself.

And what feels right for you is the way you should handle it.

[PhoenixLady]

Then I can certainly understand why you posted the way you did.

 

And what feels right for you is the way you should handle it.

 

Of course, as should anyone. But hopefully, I'll never, ever have to be in this situation!

 

And thanks, for understanding about my posting the way I did.

[donnamaybe]

And thanks, for understanding about my posting the way I did.

That's easy when I'm conversing with someone who is polite in their discourse.

 

I must admit, though, I give what I get.

[PhoenixLady]

That's easy when I'm conversing with someone who is polite in their discourse.

 

I must admit, though, I give what I get.

 

Thanks!

 

And I know you do. So do I, Donna.