At a cross roads

[brainygirl]

I am at a dating cross roads and wanting some input. I feel like, for the moment, I am just not in a great "place" to be dating. I want that adult, physical/emotional/friendship that comes with dating. But I don't want the drama of having to coordinate with another person all the time. And I feel like there is just NO ONE around who I even WANT to date.

 

So, do I just stop for a while? I've gone long streatches (think four years or more) in the past with no dating or physical intimacy. But it get lonesome, that's part of normal adult life. I'm not really wanting FBs or FWB type arrangements. And I'm not in a hurry to get married.

 

I dunno, maybe I'm not explaining this well. I just feel like dating isn't doing much for me lately but cut down my self esteem and raise my anxiety. I feel more aware of how alone I am now than I did when dating wasn't even on my radar.

 

Thoughts?

[sugarmomma]

I feel the same way most times but the only way to find someone special is to -date.

 

I just try to have fun on dates and keep my expectations really low. That way if no sparks fly, I can possibly build some lasting friendships.

 

Gotta stay positive.

[AverageJoe]

Why do you feel the need for someone in your life? Why do you possibly think someone else will fill that gap, that vaccum?

 

You say you have spent time alone, no dating whatever. But have you spent any time with yourself? I mean, to get to know YOU! Ever go anywhere by yourself, without anyone? Just because YOU want to?

 

Do you know how liberating that is?

You have half the battle won because some of the people that post here are relationship junkies. They HAVE to have someone in their life, they are not equipped to understand or even handle themselves, by themselves. They must fill that void at all costs. To me that is sad and pathetic. They need to have a counterpart of some kind, even if it makes them miserable to feel complete. And they put up with it!! Then they turn around and whine about the relationship, and wonder what the problem is. How sick is that? Just read some of the threads here.

 

Get comfortable with YOU. Do things, spend time with friends and family, do what you want when you want. Dont spend your livleyhood wondering why you dont have a boyfriend.

The best way to build your confidence and self asteem is to know who you are, why you are, and what you want in life and do not settle for anything other than that.

[carhill]

How would you feel, as a loving mother of three, if no man ever asked you out on a date again, ever? Listening to you, I sense you'd be ambivalent. Part of you would miss the companionship and the other part would rejoice at the lack of drama/expectation/anxiety, etc.

 

Well, that's kinda what it feels like. If a man could describe his feelings on such a matter, that would be close. Zero drama, zero validation, zero companionship, zero anxiety. Imagine living your entire life like that. Welcome to the world of the average man. Anything different takes a proactive effort. Any results are a balance. There is no panacea.

 

So, which way do you want to turn at the stop sign? Up to you.

 

I can empathize. I see many potentials but the desire, the impetus for proactive pursuit, is lacking. It's like 'why bother?'. Perhaps accepting that realization is part of the process.

 

Hope it works out

[brainygirl]

I think part of the problem IS that I like who I am. I like what I do. I enjoy my children and my work. Its like men, at least the ones around here, don't know what to do with a woman who isn't complaining about her job or her life or her kids all the time.

 

But for all that liking of my life, I'm only 28, well 29 next week. That's a long time to be alone if I say, "ok, I'm done now". But I get so tired of all the crap that goes into dating or pursuing dating as a woman.

 

You have to look right, all the time, you have to somehow show you are interested in dating without seeming like a slut or too aggressive, because aggressive women turn men off. It becomes very hard to "just be your self" and feel good about yourself, because "being myself" I get either ignored by men or I get used by them.

 

I'm not meaning to dog an entire group, I know there are good guys out there, but something about me is repellent to them. I seem to attract the mentally ill, or the socially inept. And if that's all I can ever attract "just being myself" I don't want to play anymore, because I know I deserve better than a guy with bi-polar who might or might not actually care about me, an alcoholic who only calls when he's home broke and bored, and a control freak who likes to make little "jokes" about how he's going to either fix me or punish me. (Summery list of the men I'v dated in the last year).

 

They say insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. Well, I am always going to be me. And if me dating gets those results. I'd rather not be dating anymore. I'm attractive, sweet, funny, easy going and kind to everyone I meet. I've declared war on women's shoes and refuse to wear heels. I don't know what all these things have to do with anything other than its very hard to be a genuine person and suffer this kind of epic failure and still feel like the endeavorer is worth pursuing.

[brainygirl]

Don't take this as an insult brainygirl but you do portray an image of a woman who has a huge wall around would chew up any man who tried to get past it. Maybe you are not like this but that is the impression you give and many men would stay clear. Men are sick and tired of dealing with the baggage left behind by other men.

 

This comment to me on another thread just makes me hurt. What the hell have I done or said to justify this?

[AverageJoe]

This comment to me on another thread just makes me hurt. What the hell have I done or said to justify this?

 

Hurt or not, is there any truth to it?

[brainygirl]

Hurt or not, is there any truth to it?

 

Do I have a wall, I dunno. I have secrets that I keep to myself. I have things from my past and childhood that probably left me a little scarred.

 

Do I chew people up who try to get close? No one's tried in so long I couldn't say.

[ascendotum]

I am not going to blow smoke up your arse and tell you, you’re just going through a bad luck phase and just hang in there a great guy will come along shortly. Given your profile brainygirl it is going to be tough for you, as you have found so far. I would say keep doing what you have been doing, alternating between short term relationships & FWB and periods of celibacy. I know it is bleak advice given that what you really want is a proper loving relationship from a non dysfunctional. I am just going on the experiences of the single mothers I know who generally seem to do this. The 'yummy mommies' with just 1 child though do still have lots of prospects, but I still see some of these women bounce from guy to guy because they don't want to lower their standards on the guys they used to get pre baby.

 

Given your last paragraph, I say definitely take a break for a while. You are still young though and you should have a sex/social life. Don't do like a lot of others and wait until your children leave home to then come back onto the dating scene in your 40s and find that now its your age that guys have a hang up on. Make the most of your youth, and try to have as much fun as you can given your circumstances. Maybe get together with other single mothers for social outings or get togethers at home during these 'crossroads' periods.

 

You would be much better targeting single fathers for a LTR partner, though I also realize this is not as easy as it sounds. The guys I know who are divorcee single fathers who are good looking and have good careers tend to play the field for a while then settle down again with an younger, slim, single (no kids) women. Its bugged some of unmarried single mates when we have competed with these guys for women, and these guys respond with 'no way man I already have kids in my life I don’t need any more and my ex missus was overweight, I want a woman with a decent figure again' when we have a go at them.

 

Looking at the single mothers I know, some do it because they give up on finding a 'decent' guy who is prepared to stick around, others do it because they are still very bitter over the divorce, others do it because they lose their confidence because of their post baby body & their limited opportunities to have a romantic life, and others because they are not prepared to lower their standards any more. Given that there is no one around who you would want to date, then I would have thought it would make things easier for you to come to terms with dropping out of the dating scene for a while.

[Taramere]

Don't take this as an insult brainygirl but you do portray an image of a woman who has a huge wall around would chew up any man who tried to get past it. Maybe you are not like this but that is the impression you give and many men would stay clear. Men are sick and tired of dealing with the baggage left behind by other men.

 

This comment to me on another thread just makes me hurt. What the hell have I done or said to justify this?

 

Don't forget that people are bound to project their own issues onto others on a board like this. I read that comment. It was on the thread that was generally negative about American women...and as I recall, you mentioned that this site gets you down re the whole dating thing. This site is good for some things. It's good for entertainment at times, and it can also be a good place to discuss and analyse human interactions, feelings, politics etc to a level of depth that you couldn't necessarily do in a social situation (other than one to one with a very good friend). What it isn't necessarily good for, however, is putting people in a positive frame of mind about dating.

 

Going to how you present yourself on the board, as that comment of Woggle's is getting to you. We can't see you or hear you. All we have is a username and a set of opinions. It's not really possible to get the essence of who a person is unless they really throw it out there on the board, and I don't think you do that. As you say, you're fairly guarded. You've selected a username that tells people "education and intelligence is very important to me". Which is fine, but educated and intelligent people can also have a fun and frivolous side.

 

You don't like high heels because they're uncomfortable. Okay, they often are. They're a nightmare if you have to walk any distance (but you could always carry a small pair of commuting shoes - ballet slipper type things - in your bag to change into). Nobody's forcing you to wear high heels of course, but that's just an example. Heels, dressing up, putting on make up, getting your hair done...all of that can be a really fun part of being a woman, but when a woman starts feeling tired of life and generally depressed that interest can be the first thing to go. Comfortable shoes become more important than sexy ones. A sensible hairstyle seems more realistic etc etc.

 

So if you're not really interested in clothes, make-up etc, men might form the view (rightly or wrongly) that you're either a tad too sensible to inspire their romantic tastes (which limits your pool) or going through a depressed stage (which might attract depressed or unstable men). It might seem unfairly judgemental of other people, but in a sense we're all victims of other people's judgements. If we want to play an active part in society, we often have to balance being ourselves with making certain social concessions in order to conform.

 

I've seen a couple of posts where you've made negative comments about other women - ie who you consider to be attention seekers. To be clear, I'm not coming down on you for that. I think there certainly are annoying people out there who will do all but stand on a table and pop pingpong balls out of their nether regions to get attention in a bar. However, it might be worth analysing your own reaction to those women. What button do they presss in you? Are you afraid that if you were to lighten up a bit and be more frivolous, other people might have a perception of you that is similar to the one you have of those women? Do they represent a light, free side of life that you feel is lost to you...and if so, is it really lost or are there ways you can bring some of the fun back into life?

[Woggle]

Don't take this as an insult brainygirl but you do portray an image of a woman who has a huge wall around would chew up any man who tried to get past it. Maybe you are not like this but that is the impression you give and many men would stay clear. Men are sick and tired of dealing with the baggage left behind by other men.

 

This comment to me on another thread just makes me hurt. What the hell have I done or said to justify this?

 

I was the one who made that comment and honestly that is the impression I get. That might not be who you are and I am not implying it but you comes across to some men as if you have a big keep out sign on your heart. In no way am I trying to put you down but to get to the root of the problem you have to realize what it is at first. You do sound somewhat jaded by your experiences and some men might mistake that as bitterness.

[EasyHeart]

Oh hell, we all get jaded and cynical now and then. The only problem is if it doesn't go away after a while.

 

Dating should be fun and exciting. If it's not, take a break. There's no requirement that you date all the time, and there's no requirement that you be in a relationship. I don't feel like dating right now because I have other things that are taking up my time.

 

I'm a big believer in dating sabbaticals, because sometimes you just need to re-energize. Take a few months where you don't think about men and don't think about dating, and I'll bet you feel a whole lot better.

[brainygirl]

Don't forget that people are bound to project their own issues onto others on a board like this. I read that comment. It was on the thread that was generally negative about American women...and as I recall, you mentioned that this site gets you down re the whole dating thing. This site is good for some things. It's good for entertainment at times, and it can also be a good place to discuss and analyse human interactions, feelings, politics etc to a level of depth that you couldn't necessarily do in a social situation (other than one to one with a very good friend). What it isn't necessarily good for, however, is putting people in a positive frame of mind about dating.

 

Going to how you present yourself on the board, as that comment of Woggle's is getting to you. We can't see you or hear you. All we have is a username and a set of opinions. It's not really possible to get the essence of who a person is unless they really throw it out there on the board, and I don't think you do that. As you say, you're fairly guarded. You've selected a username that tells people "education and intelligence is very important to me". Which is fine, but educated and intelligent people can also have a fun and frivolous side.

 

You don't like high heels because they're uncomfortable. Okay, they often are. They're a nightmare if you have to walk any distance (but you could always carry a small pair of commuting shoes - ballet slipper type things - in your bag to change into). Nobody's forcing you to wear high heels of course, but that's just an example. Heels, dressing up, putting on make up, getting your hair done...all of that can be a really fun part of being a woman, but when a woman starts feeling tired of life and generally depressed that interest can be the first thing to go. Comfortable shoes become more important than sexy ones. A sensible hairstyle seems more realistic etc etc.

 

So if you're not really interested in clothes, make-up etc, men might form the view (rightly or wrongly) that you're either a tad too sensible to inspire their romantic tastes (which limits your pool) or going through a depressed stage (which might attract depressed or unstable men). It might seem unfairly judgemental of other people, but in a sense we're all victims of other people's judgements. If we want to play an active part in society, we often have to balance being ourselves with making certain social concessions in order to conform.

 

I've seen a couple of posts where you've made negative comments about other women - ie who you consider to be attention seekers. To be clear, I'm not coming down on you for that. I think there certainly are annoying people out there who will do all but stand on a table and pop pingpong balls out of their nether regions to get attention in a bar. However, it might be worth analysing your own reaction to those women. What button do they presss in you? Are you afraid that if you were to lighten up a bit and be more frivolous, other people might have a perception of you that is similar to the one you have of those women? Do they represent a light, free side of life that you feel is lost to you...and if so, is it really lost or are there ways you can bring some of the fun back into life?

 

Ok, I work on my feet all day. And I mean ALL day. So, no I will not torture myself with high heels in order to appear a little more attractive while at work.

 

I Do use make-up. I do take care of my hair, I do dress in a nice, work appropriate way, I've just decided that I am not going to conform to a fashion norm that leaves me in pain. Uh uh not doing it anymore.

 

I do have fun, I do go out with friends, I do like music and friends and all those things. But I have been in situation after situation where a guy or multiple guys will chase after the girl that's the loudest, the most attention grabbing, and the most outwardly drunken. Its become about who looks easiest to lay. that's all they care about.

 

So I tried online dating for over a year. Same thing. My pictures weren't revealing enough so the assumption became, "well, I bet you top out over three hundred pounds (not even close to true)" and it was the same issue, I'd meet a guy, go out on a date, and its either sex now (one brought an overnight bag with him) or see ya later and then . . . . nothing.

 

I am generally an upbeat, optimistic, proactive person. four years ago I had just left my ex-husband, was homeless and living on my dad's couch and had just found out I was pregnant again. And I put in a lot of work to making my life and my kids' lives good. And all that time I felt like I wasn't in a place to even think about dating because I had so little to offer other than "here's my troubles". So now I have a great job, nice house, things are really good, and there's all these people basically telling me "no, forget it, you ain't nothing worth anything. Best lower your standards or be willing to be some dude's F***toy, cause that's all you are worth now"

 

SO thanks LS, thanks a F***ing lot.

[carhill]

At this point, my best friend would exclaim, as he did with me, 'bitter much?'

 

I got the humor in that. Perhaps it's a male thing.

 

Do you have a really good female friend, someone you can easily say 'I love you' to? If no, work on that first. It really helps

[brainygirl]

At this point, my best friend would exclaim, as he did with me, 'bitter much?'

 

I got the humor in that. Perhaps it's a male thing.

 

Do you have a really good female friend, someone you can easily say 'I love you' to? If no, work on that first. It really helps

 

And what would your reaction to multiple people telling you that the very things you were proudest of in your life were going to prevent you from ever having a real, loving relationship. That your own nature which tends towards the quiet, introspective, and sensitive is not an attraction, but a turn off because its not fun enough. That the children you raise and love are baggage and burdens so great that no one even will be interested in taking you out on a nice date. That being smart and sensible are bad things.

 

How would you react after months of trying and getting nothing?

 

That isn't bitter, its hurt and its sad.

[carhill]

Ha, walked that path many years ago. Add 'unattractive' and that would complete the picture for myself, as a male.

 

Read my signature line. Effective therapy