4givrnt4gtr Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 So...after three weeks of really trying to focus, and make my relationship work, I realized...its just not happening. (Three weeks after I attempted to break up with my bf but somehow I got convinced that understanding him would make it all better) Im exhausted, I can't focus in school, Im falling so far behind in all the things I have to do because all I can think of is my relationship and what I can do to make it better. We actually attempted couples counseling. After the session, which was very hard on me emotionally, as a lot of past trauma came up, my bf's first reaction was to say " I really gotta jet now"......awesome. We are doing a long distance relationship so I knew that if we couldn't discuss what happened before he left, we wouldn't be discussing it. I attempted to talk to him again in the car, but he wouldnt go there. He just couldn't give me the support i needed. In short, I realized, what really REALLY gets to me is that a lot of my needs are not met. I serve the purpose of shoulder to cry on constantly, to play therapist, to be supportive, but when I need that to be return to me, it just doesn't happen. Not his fault, as he has a lot of emotional issues to deal with, but i need that and he just can't give it to me, despite what he says. In any case, here I am back where I was three weeks ago. I have to drive up to where he is at and break it off....this time nothing will deter me. I guess I just need support somehow. Im in a new place with no friends to talk to, and the ones I have are so tired of my story that I dont want to bother them anymore. Good lord im exhausted.
Angel1111 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I think you're truly beating a dead horse in this case. I always say that a truly good relationship shouldn't be that much work. If you spend all your time trying to make it work and trying to figure out how to fix it, then it's pretty much doomed. I also often say that if you find yourself in couples counseling before you're married, it's also basically over with. You're doing the right thing. He behaves aloof and can't be there for you. I've seen so many men like this - they pick a woman who is strong and think she's there to be his mommy. And when you need him to be strong, he'll resent you for it. These men will completely wear you out because they themselves are so weak (although they appear to be strong) and unable to give. I'm sorry you're going through this but you're going to be better off ending this relationship than living with this agony. Let us know how it goes and how you're doing.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Thank you angel1111! (Im so gonna take your log in name as a sign! for years I would see 1111 whenever I wasn't sure about a choice and i would take it as a sign to go ahead with what I'm thinking) He actually doesn't play the tough guy, he actually is the reverse. He plays the victim a lot of the time, (which he actually was growing up, as his parents physically and emotionally abused him). What makes this whole thing difficult is that I feel horribly guilty about the whole thing. Last time I tried to break it off, he kept saying how much he loved me, how he would do anything for me, how much he had done for me so far etc. I just hate to have to face that whole thing all over again. I guess Im afraid, and drained and just have no energy to go thru it all, but know I have to in order to start feeling better again. Im thinking on going tomorrow......he has no idea what's coming (another reason why I feel so guilty). I wish I could just do it over the phone and get it over with.....so tired of all this mess ****haha i just realized I wrote death instead of dead....opps.
Angel1111 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 That's funny - I see 11:11 and 1:11 all the time - hence, my login name. That's been going on for about 3 yrs now. I have no idea what it's about but it's uncanny sometimes. Victim or tough guy, your bf is never going to be a man that you can depend on for support. He'll always expect it of you, but it will always feel lopsided from your point of view. I know the break-up stuff is really hard, especially with someone who's going to make it difficult and when it makes you feel bad. But you're right, you need to climb this hurdle in order to get past it and move on. Concentrate on school and you'll find a guy who's right for you; someone who isn't so much work.
carhill Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 OP, if you didn't have a broken childhood, it might behoove you to look for someone of similar background to yourself. IME, vastly different familial backgrounds can be problematical, especially in younger folks who haven't matured and faced their demons through life experience. You apparently saw signs of this dynamic in your R. It took me a dead marriage to figure it out. Best wishes that you do much better
Knittress Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 OP, if you didn't have a broken childhood, it might behoove you to look for someone of similar background to yourself. IME, vastly different familial backgrounds can be problematical, You likely have good reasons for feeling this way, and I'm not disagreeing - but this kind of statement (which I've read elsewhere as well) continues to irk me. It seems unkindly discriminatory towards folks who've already put up with their parent's BS drama ONE time around. Your line of thinking (which may not be wrong, merely personally irksome), continues to doom them to BS and drama ad infinitum...
Angel1111 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 You likely have good reasons for feeling this way, and I'm not disagreeing - but this kind of statement (which I've read elsewhere as well) continues to irk me. It seems unkindly discriminatory towards folks who've already put up with their parent's BS drama ONE time around. Your line of thinking (which may not be wrong, merely personally irksome), continues to doom them to BS and drama ad infinitum... What he's saying is mostly true simply because people who didn't grow up in highly dysfunctional homes cannot relate to the kind of behavior that a lot of people mimic when they come from abuse. Of course there are those who manage to rise above their horrible home lives but they are rare, and I applaud anyone who does this. I was married to a guy who was abused as a child and he was an absolute nightmare to be around. I didn't grow up with crazy parents and it seems all I've ever done is pick guys who continue to live out their insane pasts. I have actually been stunned to find out that abuse is so prevelant. It's very sad. Sometimes not growing up in this atmosphere can be a disadvantage in the sense that you're not aware that people can behave in such a way. It's not about putting people down who grew up in abusive homes, it's about realizing that a lot of times your backgrounds are too different to make a relationship work. I personally think that people who have come from abuse can actually relate to one another better, even if they have risen above everything. For me, after everything I've been through with highly dysfunctional men, I would be very cautious about dating someone who grew up with abuse. It's just been my experience that our worlds will clash and I end up heartbroken.
carhill Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 In other news, women continue to find me unattractive because I'm over 50 and bald. If that ain't an unfair death horse, I don't know what is. That's life. And that's women. Accepted. See where this is going? If not, I'll just leave it alone. Good luck
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