Untouchable_Fire Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 One of my really good friends has been dating a girl for about 2 months with nothing beyond kissing. Now, I think he would typically be Ok with this, but somehow he found out that she typically sleeps with guys early in the relationship. I know one of her friends and I get the impression that this is true. He is really worried that this means she doesn't find him physically attractive and has asked my opinion. Honestly... I have no idea, so I'm not sure what to tell him. He is a really stable guy who is funny and sometimes goofy. He is about 30-40lbs overweight and has a chubby face. Our friend group has jokingly nicknamed him "Pugs". He doesn't really have a strong personality. He tends to be sweet and caring, but not confident and aggressive. He works in banking. She really strikes me as a granola girl. Glasses, skinny... loudly political. I've found her on several occasions to be very argumentative. She often goes without makeup, but tends to wear nice clothes. She went to a private university and has a passion for social work. She is currently unemployed living with parents. So... here is the deal. I see that she does many of the things that would signify long term intentions. Says great things to her friends about him... ect, but she has actually turned him down twice for sex, saying that she is not ready yet. Honestly, I don't like her, she is loud and obnoxious. I want to give my friend the most accurate advice possible and not just trash on her. If she always waited 2 months, I would tell him that it's not a big deal and he should just enjoy the relationship until she feels ready. However, since she tends to have ONS, and not wait with other guys... who it seems have been very fit... I think she likes his personality and how he treats her... but has no physical attraction. Anyone else have an idea what I should tell this poor guy?
GooseChaser Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 It is possible that she is taking it slow with him because she is taking things with him seriously and doesn't want to rush things, but get to know him first. I wouldn't say just yet that she isn't attracted to him; after all, they are in fact dating. Therefore, she must see some potential for the two of them, and not just sexually, either! Tell him to keep his chin up and be patient. If he doesn't want to wait for her to be ready, though, he can always end it too.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 It is possible that she is taking it slow with him because she is taking things with him seriously and doesn't want to rush things, but get to know him first. I wouldn't say just yet that she isn't attracted to him; after all, they are in fact dating. Therefore, she must see some potential for the two of them, and not just sexually, either! Tell him to keep his chin up and be patient. If he doesn't want to wait for her to be ready, though, he can always end it too. If she was Ok rushing things with other guys... why make him wait? Why is waiting longer an indication of seriousness? It seems like manipulation. It makes him think she lacks physical attraction to him. He has a good job... she is unemployed. Maybe she is just using him, but I can't be sure.
Mad Max Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Quite frankly, if I was him, I'd be offended. I'd be pretty pissed that she won't have sex with me, yet gave it away pretty easily to other guys. Even if she decided to "change her ways" and not have sex so soon, he has every right to be offended. I noticed a lot of girls that slept around in their younger years have this issue later on. They had their "fun" in college and perhaps a bit after that and when they decide to settle down, the new guys doesn't get the sex that other guys got for free.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I don't see how it's anyone else's business to tell him anything. It's up to him to go on what he gets or doesn't get from her. Does he really need to know her "suspected" history? It's up to him to either talk it out with her, live with what she is "ready" for, or close her out.
make me believe Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 The way I see it: 10% chance she is taking it slow because she thinks hes a keeper. 80% chance she doesn't care that much for the guy and doesn't want to have sex with him. Included in this category: 1) He hasn't shown enough interest/commitment to warrant giving him sex 2) He doesn't turn her on enough physically to make her want sex 3) He's not doing the right things at the right timing - maybe she is willing to have sex, just he hasn't pushed for it well enough. 10% chance she is getting her sexual needs satisfied by another guy. Yep, I agree. She's not having sex with him because she doesn't want to have sex with him. Not because she likes him so much that she wants to take things slow. I'd up the odds that she's getting her sexual needs met elsewhere, though.
Tripp1 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Ok, I am pretty sure I have seen this before. There's a lot of things that could be going on. First, like you said, it's possible she likes him but isn't physically attracted to him. Have they done anything else? Like oral sex? That would be good to know to see if even something has been physicall going on with them. It's certainly okay that she is not ready yet. I would say that the other option is she has been very easy with her previous guys and has seen it not work out. So she is now taking the opposite approach and waiting for the "special time" for them to sleep together. You have to tell him that he needs to talk to this girl to get some answers. It's perfectly fine that she is rejecting him for sex. If she's not ready she's not ready. But it would be good to know if she doesn't find him attractive. I think he needs to be reassured about her feelings toward him. He should communicate with her and see how she feels about him. Because, I think that if he gets reassured that she is really into him and finds him attractive, etc he will feel better about the situation and will be less insecure about the whole thing. My initial instinct is that she likes him and just wants to wait because she finds this relationship special. Has she been only fooling around with really good looking guys in the past? That would be good to know as well. Tripp
that girl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 How do you "somehow" find out that a person typically has sex early in the relationship? I have a hard time imagining a conversation where that comes up, so I'm think what was actually said was vague enough to be meaningless. If she's living with her parents for the first time in years, it is possible that she doesn't feel comfortable spending the night with him until it is a well established relationship. If there has legitimately been a change in behavior, where she lives is a reasonable cause. First, like you said, it's possible she likes him but isn't physically attracted to him. Have they done anything else? Like oral sex? This made me laugh. Like this guy is thinking "why does she only blow me when the other guys got actually p-in-v?" But I do think if she kisses him eagerly and deeply, that is a very good sign. Even if she decided to "change her ways" and not have sex so soon, he has every right to be offended. I noticed a lot of girls that slept around in their younger years have this issue later on. They had their "fun" in college and perhaps a bit after that and when they decide to settle down, the new guys doesn't get the sex that other guys got for free. What is this, little league? Everyone should get the same turn? I never understand the bitterness some guys have around this type of girl. I only know one person who went from sleeping with guys quickly to waiting several months and I thought it was reasonable. In college, she had eagerly jumped into bed with a few guys she was really into (5 tops, I think it was lower but I never asked) but realized it didn't make her happy whether it turned into a relationship or not, the timeline just made her unhappy. So post college she took things slower, some guys didn't want to wait around and that was fine. She's now in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't look at it like "why did you sleep with that guy on a second date and didn't sleep with me until the 15th date?" He likes her and isn't bothered by her minor promescuity.
GooseChaser Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Yes, it could be that she wishes to not be as "easy" from now on. That is her right. She did not, upon getting involved with your friend, sign a contract stating, "I will, within two months of the beginning of our relationship, have sex with this man." NO. She is not OBLIGATED to rush to have sex with him-- she has free choice. He is not entitled to sex within X amount of months, though he might want it. Both people must be ready and willing. Perhaps it could help if he had a conversation with her about this to try to find why she is waiting.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 How do you "somehow" find out that a person typically has sex early in the relationship? I have a hard time imagining a conversation where that comes up, so I'm think what was actually said was vague enough to be meaningless. If she's living with her parents for the first time in years, it is possible that she doesn't feel comfortable spending the night with him until it is a well established relationship. If there has legitimately been a change in behavior, where she lives is a reasonable cause. He asked my opinion on it... and I talked to a friend of hers who is the little sister of a highschool friend. She spent a few years in Africa and South America with some non-profit saving women from domestic abuse. Besides that I don't think she has ever lived on her own. This made me laugh. Like this guy is thinking "why does she only blow me when the other guys got actually p-in-v?" But I do think if she kisses him eagerly and deeply, that is a very good sign. What is this, little league? Everyone should get the same turn? I never understand the bitterness some guys have around this type of girl. I only know one person who went from sleeping with guys quickly to waiting several months and I thought it was reasonable. In college, she had eagerly jumped into bed with a few guys she was really into (5 tops, I think it was lower but I never asked) but realized it didn't make her happy whether it turned into a relationship or not, the timeline just made her unhappy. So post college she took things slower, some guys didn't want to wait around and that was fine. She's now in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't look at it like "why did you sleep with that guy on a second date and didn't sleep with me until the 15th date?" He likes her and isn't bothered by her minor promescuity. I don't think it matters how "passionately" she kisses him if that's all she does. Look... Pugs is insecure. He is chubby and women tend to treat him like a floormat. I've never seen her be very affectionate with him in public. Personally I don't like this GF. I think she is garbage, but I'm willing to hear the other side because he likes her, and he is my friend As to your friend changing how quickly she gets sexual... It sounds like she uses sex to manipulate relationships. She tried sex right away and didn't get what she wanted, so she tried making guys wait instead. What a catch. However, we all learn through mistakes and I've made plenty myself. Yes, it could be that she wishes to not be as "easy" from now on. That is her right. She did not, upon getting involved with your friend, sign a contract stating, "I will, within two months of the beginning of our relationship, have sex with this man." NO. She is not OBLIGATED to rush to have sex with him-- she has free choice. He is not entitled to sex within X amount of months, though he might want it. Both people must be ready and willing. Perhaps it could help if he had a conversation with her about this to try to find why she is waiting. Basically what your saying is that she doesn't have any good reason for this? It really sounds like she is just jerking him around. Honestly... I think he wouldn't mind waiting 6 months, but she told him that she had sex with her last BF... and he knows they only dated for 3 weeks. So... in telling him that 2 months in... how do you think she expected to make him feel? Also... she would have to be a retard at this point to feel "easy" by sleepin with him... and she would similarly be stupid to think he would leave. I'm really hoping one of you can come up with a good explanation.
sanskrit Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 How do you "somehow" find out that a person typically has sex early in the relationship? People talk and gossip, I have a hard time imagining someone who has a hard time imagining that OP could have easily heard that. If she's living with her parents for the first time in years, it is possible that she doesn't feel comfortable spending the night with him until it is a well established relationship. What would living with her parents have to do with anything? People have sex in places other than their parents' houses and without spending the night together. I never understand the bitterness some guys have around this type of girl. What type of girl? teases? users? promiscuous women? There are just as many instances of those as your single anecdote. OP, take the most likely explanation. The girl regularly sleeps with other guys faster. She is not sleeping with your friend, and has in fact turned him down. The simplest and most likely explanation is that she just isn't attracted to him. Whether it's your place to bring this up is a matter of your relationship dynamic with your friend.
that girl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 He asked my opinion on it... and I talked to a friend of hers who is the little sister of a highschool friend. Yes, but what did she say and how well does she know this girl? How old are these people? I don't think it matters how "passionately" she kisses him if that's all she does. Of course it does. If she's not interested in him, she is unlikely to seriously make out with him. And it isn't that strange for a girl to wait awhile to sleep with a guy she is interested in. Personally I don't like this GF. I think she is garbage, but I'm willing to hear the other side because he likes her, and he is my friend But why do you think she is garbage? Considering you're the guy who has given up on American women, I wonder if you're projecting your own issues. As to your friend changing how quickly she gets sexual... It sounds like she uses sex to manipulate relationships. She tried sex right away and didn't get what she wanted, so she tried making guys wait instead. What a catch. Nope. Every guy she has ever slept with except one became a boyfriend. The issue for her is that when she let her sex drive make decisions she ended up dating guys who she later realized she didn't have much in common with. The sex would stop her from noticing how little they connected. And before anyone asks, they weren't bad boys. When she pulled back and focused more on getting to know the guy as a person (and waited much longer to sleep with them), she was happier. What would living with her parents have to do with anything? People have sex in places other than their parents' houses and without spending the night together. But not everyone wants to have sex in a Burger King bathroom or have to rush home afterwards.
sanskrit Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 But not everyone wants to have sex in a Burger King bathroom or have to rush home afterwards. Are you kidding? Everyone wants to have it "their way" at the Home of the Whopper! There's a difference between rushing away and staying all night. The guy presumably has a place, they both have cars, friends' houses, motels, hiking trails, etc. etc. If people want to have sex they can almost always find a pretty comfortable private place to do it.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Yes, but what did she say and how well does she know this girl? How old are these people? Of course it does. If she's not interested in him, she is unlikely to seriously make out with him. And it isn't that strange for a girl to wait awhile to sleep with a guy she is interested in. They are fairly close friends and confidants. She would not give me much info... but confirmed what I already knew from my friend. That her relationships turn sexual by the 3rd date. Kissing requires little to no emotional bond or physical attraction... thus is meaningless. But why do you think she is garbage? Considering you're the guy who has given up on American women, I wonder if you're projecting your own issues. Yes... I know for fact that my personal feelings are making this a bit murky. Plus... Her parents are straight up hippies, she isn't much better, and she is loudly opinionated about it. Hearing her constantly preachy tones about the evils of American Imperialism really grates on my nerves. I do agree with her crusade against Domestic Abuse. Nope. Every guy she has ever slept with except one became a boyfriend. The issue for her is that when she let her sex drive make decisions she ended up dating guys who she later realized she didn't have much in common with. The sex would stop her from noticing how little they connected. And before anyone asks, they weren't bad boys. When she pulled back and focused more on getting to know the guy as a person (and waited much longer to sleep with them), she was happier. If she was sleeping with the guys before she knew anything about their personality... that means she was looking for something more on the physical end. Honestly... I wouldn't want to be guy she thinks is less attractive, but is dating because we have the same favorite colors. There are different types of chemistry, and you need several of them to make a relationship last. Sexual chemistry is typically very important to most people, and if it's not important to her now.... it will be in 10 years! Are you kidding? Everyone wants to have it "their way" at the Home of the Whopper! There's a difference between rushing away and staying all night. The guy presumably has a place, they both have cars, friends' houses, motels, hiking trails, etc. etc. If people want to have sex they can almost always find a pretty comfortable private place to do it. OMG... Sanskrit that was hilarious! He has an apartment to himself and money for hotels if he chooses. He has worked as an assistant manager at a bank for several years.
BruceLeroy Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 This doesn't seem as sinister as you seem to assume. It could easily be just a change in MO to attempt a different result. Bed hoppin didn't do her well so now she is just lloking for what it is she contributes to the bad results she experenced. Really is what she doing any different than say, having 100+ bad experiences with American women and then deciding to not date American women anymore? You're wondering why she can't just go on hoppin in the sack quickly. So I ask you man - why coulnt you just go on dating american women? Other people can change there course too you dig?
flying Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I'm really hoping one of you can come up with a good explanation. Look, I get that he asked your opinion and you want to look out for your friend. But he likes this girl, and you don't. So, you're already not on the same page about her. It's entirely possible you could do more damage than good by making unfounded assumptions about her motivations. Aren't you just a little eager to assume she's using him or manipulating him? Seriously. If you want to be a good friend to the guy, tell him that he needs to get those answers from her. A bunch of people on the internet coming from various points of view are NOT going to give you the RIGHT answer, because there are too many variables. And it would be dangerous just to take the one you prefer and apply it to this situation. None of us is there or know her. This is for your friend to handle. You can be supportive, but don't tell him what to do. That's just infantilizing him. Tell him he needs to talk to her himself about why this makes him unhappy. That's on him.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 This doesn't seem as sinister as you seem to assume. It could easily be just a change in MO to attempt a different result. Bed hoppin didn't do her well so now she is just lloking for what it is she contributes to the bad results she experenced. Really is what she doing any different than say, having 100+ bad experiences with American women and then deciding to not date American women anymore? You're wondering why she can't just go on hoppin in the sack quickly. So I ask you man - why coulnt you just go on dating american women? Other people can change there course too you dig? I dig. I didn't really see it as the same kind of change, but maybe your right. Look, I get that he asked your opinion and you want to look out for your friend. But he likes this girl, and you don't. So, you're already not on the same page about her. It's entirely possible you could do more damage than good by making unfounded assumptions about her motivations. Aren't you just a little eager to assume she's using him or manipulating him? Seriously. If you want to be a good friend to the guy, tell him that he needs to get those answers from her. A bunch of people on the internet coming from various points of view are NOT going to give you the RIGHT answer, because there are too many variables. And it would be dangerous just to take the one you prefer and apply it to this situation. None of us is there or know her. This is for your friend to handle. You can be supportive, but don't tell him what to do. That's just infantilizing him. Tell him he needs to talk to her himself about why this makes him unhappy. That's on him. I think your right about that. He needs to find his own answers. I won't say or do anything unless it's for sure she is jerking him around. It's best I just keep myself to kind of a supportive role. In my opinion... if she was a good person he would not be having this issue. She would have communicated her motivations clearly... but whatever. It's his problem for dating her.
porter218 Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 If she was Ok rushing things with other guys... why make him wait? Why is waiting longer an indication of seriousness? It seems like manipulation. It makes him think she lacks physical attraction to him. He has a good job... she is unemployed. Maybe she is just using him, but I can't be sure. Because she doesn't want this one to fail like the other ones obviously must have since she isn't with them anymore....? Maybe she has learned that if one way doesn't work then it's time to change her ways.
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