amythan Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Hi, We have a casual relationship lasting for several months. From january we used to talk everyday. He was the one initiating it and he was always very into me. Both of us we know this could never be a "real" relationship but both of us accepting it. Last time i saw him he said: you know i miss you but we should not miss each other that much. I said: i know but i cannot help miss you anyway. From this day he contacted me and last weekend he went on a trip. I texted him wishing him to have fun and i also said that i wanted to see him and even if i shouldn't that i missed him. He never replied. Why is he doing this? If he is not comfortable why he is not ending it straight ? I do not plan to text him again though but i do not know what to do. I really like him but i am afraid i will never heard from him.
antistar Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Hi there, I can totally understand how you're feeling right now because I'm also currently in a similar situation - although, mine is a bit more complicated given the distance between this guy and I. Although we've only been getting to know each other for less than a couple of months, how he had approached and treated me was intensely affectionate, and as the weeks flew by, I found myself developing some feelings for him. A couple of days ago, I finally mustered up the courage to ask how he was feeling with the whole thing and there was definitely a mutual interest and we both agreed that what we were doing was fun for the moment, but definitely needs to be revisited at some point given the distance. I felt like we ended the conversation on a good note. Guess what happened next? He has yet to contact me - and there was not one day that would go by (before the conversation happened) where he would NOT text/call me. SO...I can totally relate to your situation. You are doing the right thing by just letting it be and not contacting him. You've done what you can on your end of things...give him the opportunity to reciprocate. Perhaps you expressing to him how much you miss him from time to time finally got to him (as he had somewhat conveyed to you when he said you guys shouldn't miss each other too much). Perhaps he finally realized that this thing between you guys REALLY wasn't going anywhere. Bottom line is...who knows exactly why things ended up the way they did. It would be awesome and comforting to get that closure/explanation from the other person. But from personal experience, you really just have to let things be...let the universe take control of everything. If he comes to his senses and contacts you, great...if not, that's fine as well. Regardless of what happens, don't wait for him...for an answer...for anything. Continue living your life for YOU! Smile
USMCHokie Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 From this day he contacted me and last weekend he went on a trip. I texted him wishing him to have fun and i also said that i wanted to see him and even if i shouldn't that i missed him. He never replied. Why is he doing this? If he is not comfortable why he is not ending it straight ? I do not plan to text him again though but i do not know what to do. I really like him but i am afraid i will never heard from him. Are you serious...? Your text didn't ask a question or even require a response...so why are you suddenly thinking he has ended it...? We have a casual relationship lasting for several months...we know this could never be a "real" relationship but both of us accepting it Consider yourself much like a government contractor. You can be nixed at any time without any advance warning...it comes with the territory...
Author amythan Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Thank you for your replies. I think i didn't explain correctly the situation. There is the physical distance between us but it is not platonic. We are going out for dinners, weekends and sleeping together for months. He used to contacted me all the time, show interest on the smallest thing of me, and he was the one saying he was crazy about me ! So it is the CHANGE on his behaviour which worries me ..
USMCHokie Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Thank you for your replies. I think i didn't explain correctly the situation. There is the physical distance between us but it is not platonic. We are going out for dinners, weekends and sleeping together for months. He used to contacted me all the time, show interest on the smallest thing of me, and he was the one saying he was crazy about me ! So it is the CHANGE on his behaviour which worries me .. I have stricken the irrelevant parts. When it comes to casual relationships, there are no rules...no expectations...don't stay in a casual relationship if you're expecting more...his change in behavior may simply reflect that he's ready to move on, which is perfectly acceptable given the circumstances...
Author amythan Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 I agree that maybe i should reconsider if this is working for me. But despite the casual nature of the relationship some respect is needed. I know him for four years and this is going on for a long time so yes, i expect some communication if he is moving on .. but this is just how i am and what i would do ...
USMCHokie Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I agree that maybe i should reconsider if this is working for me. But despite the casual nature of the relationship some respect is needed. I know him for four years and this is going on for a long time so yes, i expect some communication if he is moving on .. but this is just how i am and what i would do ... I agree that a little bit of respect should be paid to you, even if it's a casual relationship...does he normally initiate contact with you daily or during the week? If not, then why is this out of the ordinary? Again, the last text you sent him did not warrant any response, so don't assume that the ball's been in his court this whole time...
Author amythan Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Yes, he contacts me all the time. Now he is on holiday so maybe this is why .. Now you point this out maybe it is true that the text does not require any response. At the beginning i was very cool as i had fun with him and i had no feelings. I liked him, i laughed non stop and he was pursuing me all the time. I was the cutest and the best girl on earth. When we got physical he started to be less consistent with the communication but extremely caring and affectionate where together. Sometimes his words didn't match his acts, he said we should not spend too much quality time together and the week after he was asking me to go with him on a trip .. We had a great time and did lots of things together. I got feelings, i started to feel insecure and what it was right turned wrong. But this is a different problem and he is not the one to blame, it is just me. I used to feel very special with him, now sometimes i feel as the funny and cute girl good to go to bed. And i know this is not what he thinks but ...
make me believe Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I don't get it... If you go to dinner, sleep together, and spend weekends together, how much distance can there possibly be between the two of you? It sounds like that was probably his excuse for keeping you as his f*ck buddy and avoiding a real relationship with you. It sounds like you are way more invested in this than he is. He sweet-talked you and made you feel special to get you to have sex with him. Then once he was getting what he wanted, he dialed it back because he knew you were getting too attached to end things or demand exclusivity or more communication or whatever it is you want from him. I used to feel very special with him, now sometimes i feel as the funny and cute girl good to go to bed. Sorry, but....if you were special to him, he would want a real relationship with you. He just wants sex, and maybe a cool girl to hang out with when it's convenient for him. If you're not ok with that, you need to end this arrangement and find a guy who actually wants to be with you, not just have sex with you.
Tripp1 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Here comes the guy's perspective. There is something going on in his head that you will not be able to figure out unless you ask him. Stop trying to analyze it. STOP RIGHT NOW. You are going to give yourself a heart attack. On that note, I think that you can do 1 of 2 things. First, figure out what you want from him. It sounds like you want a relationship. If that is true then you must tell him. You need to "have the talk". It sucks, and people shy away from it because they don't want to face possible rejection but it's the only way to get things done. In my opinion, I never want to waste time on things just because I am afraid or unsure. Life is too short. Find out what you want and go for it. Sounds like a lame motivational speech, but I am sure anyone would agree. Another thing you can do is to stop communicating with him. Don't text, don't call. It might seem like you are playing games by doing this but he doesn't seem to deserve your line of communication. You are sending him very nice text messages and he is not responding? That sounds rude to me. Go out with the girls, start meeting new guys and start to forget about this guy. When you stop communication he is going to want to know where you are and start contacting you again. Right now he "knows he can have you at anytime" because you give him love and affection constantly. Let him know that you can't because you have your life and you don't need him to be happy. BECAUSE, happiness should never matter on how people feel about you, it's how you feel about yourself. Wow, I can't stop with the cheesy lines. OK moving on. When he comes back to you after the stopping the texts and calls, this is where you can now "have the talk" and let him know what YOU want. To try and give you another guys perspective, it's possible that he is seeing your casual relationship getting more intense and he is scared. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship or, unfortunately, maybe he doesn't want a relationship with you. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it sounds like you treat him great, but he may just be not thinking of you two like that. I know it hurts to hear it, it even hurts for me to type it to you, but the truth is the only thing that's real. I hope some of this helps, let me know how this goes, I'm curious to find out. Tripp
Author amythan Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Thank you very much. What you say makes completely sense. I am not going to contact him again. Not because i am playing games but because if i do i will be sitting here waiting again for a reply that maybe never comes. And even if he replies i would feel it is because i am being pushy. He knows where i am and what i feel. Now i made my mind i feel like more free. It was a mistake to stick around a casual relationship having feelings for him. I am not planning to wait again and again for his call and flight to see him and then be back at home wondering what is going on. I keep you updated if one day I hear from him again.
tincanman99 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Back off and make him come to you. Cutting off contact is best. You send texts and he doesnt respond? Thats rude no matter how you cut it. A lot of men dont seem to appreciate women they can easily get. Make him work, that will keep him on his toes. Trust me, I am a guy. Realize this, the person who cares least about a relationship is the one who controls it. Right now he is in control and you are not. I think you are overly invested emotionally and he is not. My opinion. He is viewing this as casual and loose and I think (but could be mistaken) that you are not. He may want a relationship and is scared of being intimate like that or its all sex and fun for him. Dont let him use you because you will the one later who is unhappy.
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