LoveLace Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 What can I say, I actually started experimenting with online dating in 1999! 95% over the years has been dead ends or just flat out disappointments for one reason or another, weather it was feelings not being mutual or just plain no connection. The only result that stayed consistent in my life was a guy that turned on and off without EVER agreeing to exclusiveness for as long as a few years. The last time I had a GREAT date was a few months ago, then on the 2nd date he went from totally hot to NOT for me. You would think there's no room for a huge disappointment after 1 good date. But on date 1 he was smokin', on date 2 I had no attraction what so ever. Anyway you get it...sooo many huge let downs that I have no optimism left. It's rare that I even get past 1 phone call with a guy from online, only because that one conversation either makes or breaks my interest. Obviously the conversation has to go well and it helps to like the sound of their voice, etc. It gives you a good idea of how shy or smart they might be, beyond what their profile says anyway. So I've been talking with a new man for a few weeks now, but we've yet the chance to meet because I was out of town for a while, blah blah...I've kept talking with him because I liked conversation with him from the very start. Liked his attitude, his intelligence, etc, and he's been very clear that his feeling about me is mutual so far. Of course we have seen photos and based on that, plenty attracted to eachother. We are very excited to meet each other. But here I am, already wondering what the deal breaker will be this time....I won't like him, he won't like me, I'll have to slap him for trying to sleep with me, it will strangely be awkward even though our talks haven't been, I don't know....there all kinds of possibilities, which I know since I've ran into so many. I never expected that 1st GREAT date with the one guy and thought I would feel like puking on the 2nd. Only the totally unexpected and most disappointing seem to happen to ME. So even though I'm excited to meet this man, I'm also bumming out already because I already anticipate some kind of deal breaker or disappointment, whatever it may be, and who's ever it may be. I'm too afraid to be optimistic because that will make the disappointment even harder to handle. I've been thrown back into Square One with dating so many times that I don't know if I can even handle it anymore. I'm almost 34 years old and with every frustrating occurrence it only gets more and more lonely and difficult to accept. Taking a "break" from dating doesn't even apply because I already go several months at a time without it. Sometimes that is by choice and other times it's just that way. I don't know why I keep trying and trying when it only makes me more and more depressed in the end, however if I don't make effort then it feels like my chances of staying alone will just increase. I just want it to be something that really sticks this time, because i"m SO tired of starting over. If the date ends up a disappointment, I don't even want to know how sad it might make me. I'm scared to death of 1st dates now for crying out loud. How can I make myself be more optimistic? Thanks for reading.
skydiveaddict Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Online dating is a load of bs. Go out with your friends and meet a real, live man for a change.
TouchedByViolet Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 preparing for failure you say? You are talking to a pro. Pessimistic approach: Life's a b1tch and then you die. Optimistic approach: Enjoy yourself, smile often, and be authentic. There is always a chance things can work out. Surely don't expect them too, but you may get lucky as long as you try. You got to be in it to win it.
GooseChaser Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 You don't have to rush to find a good man. If you find one in time, great, but you always have the option to adopt a child if you can't have one of your own. You have to decide what you want, though, and act on that.
GooseChaser Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Wrong goose chaser. The thinking that there was an infinite amount of time is what got her (and lots of other women just like OP) where she is right now. There would always be a tomorrow to work this stuff out. Well tomorrow is here. The future is now. The truth may not be fun but it doesn't help OP to sugar coat it. Yes she does have to "rush." She still has a chance to have her own kids if that's what she wants, why would you tell her to waste more time, she can adopt? But she needs to find a man who is marriagable rather quickly, say in the next year or two. She will have to make compromises obviously but her failure to be willing to do so in the past is why she is in the situation she is now. There is no perfect knight in shining armor who will rescue her. What she needs to be looking for is an imperfect/average man who may not be a GQ model, but as long as he is faithful, has a job, and is heterosexual, and hopefully doesn't have a serious criminal record or drug/alcohol addiction, she needs to grab that. Even if the guy is divorced with a couple of kids. She needs to "settle" and she needs to do it quickly. Even people in their 40s and 50s are able to find a partner if they really look and work hard. It's true that she should make this a priority and really work to meet someone while she's still fairly young. However, she shouldn't compromise her values more than she is comfortable with to find a man. People don't have to settle. She should look for someone she is really happy with. If she wants to have children of her own, though, that does cut down a lot on how much time she has left to find a man.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Wow xy STFU. I am over 30 and still have plenty of options left. I had 17 first dates in the last few months...so yeah, you have no idea what you are talking about. Show some compassion
Author LoveLace Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 First of all I want to say this: willingly have sex on a first date? That's ridiculous. I'm not one to hold back on it for months into a relationship, but I don't care how old you are, 1st date sex only results into a healthy LTR about 2% of the time for people, and obviously I am not going for odds like that. And XY's breakdown of my "fish in the sea" couldn't be more accurate. Single men my age are either completely undesirable and have always been single, or just don't want anything serious after being married once already. Also men with small children are too difficult to date because their free time is with their kids, and how can one compete with that. This man however, has a teenager which is more convenient for dating because teenagers are more independent and lead lives so seperately from their parents. I am undecided about having children. As of now I'm not even worrying about it as much as I'm worried to never find love. I think if I find real love and have someone to share my life with, that would be such a miracle alone that I've started to think I'd be totally content without having kids. Once I find the right one I want to focus on my happiness in that area, instead of going "okay now when can we have a baby"...I figure if that happens it will be accidental vs. planned. I don't want to be one of those women who start to revolve their lives around trying to get pregnant in their 30s and being devastated over and over again. I already have that problem with dating so I won't be looking to put myself in that kind of position for yet another reason. And it's true that over the years I "flew" through many good opporunities with perfectly good guys. But the way I see it, I was just not truly ready then. I enjoyed my 20s and the growing as a person it provided me as an individual. I spent much of that time learning about men and relationships because I ended an LTR at the age of 20 when I went away to college and discovered the bliss of total independence. I have no regrets about any of that. My friends tell me all the time that I'm only here now because of how picky I've been, and in the end that will only make me happier. But the problem is people you date are picky too...rightfully so. Especially at this age when we pretty much ALL know exactly what we want or don't want by now. That makes it even harder for the definition of a "good match" to come along. I'd say I'm less picky than I was in my 20s however, when it comes to physical attraction. Now I"m more picky about what kind of guy a man really is, although attraction is still very important to me. Back then I was more likey to fall for a hot guy with crap for a lifestyle. Funny thing is I had a LOT more dates because of that. Now that I want the whole package to be morally acceptable, even on average terms, the dates are fewer. I have a good feeling about this man but I've had "good feelings" before that turned out wrong. He said he thinks "everything will be great" when we meet. I agreed but I was lying through my teeth. I don't believe he's right, at least not 100% (I'm at 50%) But I'm going to keep pretending I agree until proven wrong. That is about the best way I can think of to approach it. And yes sometimes we do have to "settle" to a certain extent but if I have even the slightest inkling a guy isn't a match for me, I'm outta there. Once I lose interest, it's really lost. Aside from that, I'm certainly not looking for George Clooney. It's funny how I feel so excited to meet this guy and yet so bummed out at the same time, because that is just how adapted I am to total disappointment. But I realize I can't show any sign of low self esteem or insecurity with this guy or I'm more likely to blow the whole thing. It's as though I have to put on the face of the 25 year old, care-free woman with many options, when in fact this is rarely the case for me anymore. But if I stop carrying that mentality I'm more likely give off negative vibes and fail miserably. Thanks we'll see how the date goes.
GooseChaser Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 It's a good thing to be able to be fully happy being single. It shows that you don't need a man to be happy. That is a strength.
Author LoveLace Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 It's a good thing to be able to be fully happy being single. It shows that you don't need a man to be happy. That is a strength. In my 20s yes happy being single, now it's just more like I'm just very used to it It's way more frustrating than it was then.
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